Solitude

Solitude

It can mean

Lonely

Walled off

Unwanted

Un

Searched for

Un

Noticed

Under

Rated

…or

It can mean

Rest

A chance to clear my head

A chance to hear

From Him

Who is

The origin

Of all things

To listen to Him

To speak to Him

Slowly

Unhurriedly

A chance to breathe

A chance

To write

My thoughts

A chance to

Understand

My own thoughts

A chance

To exhale

Slowly

Evenly

To set in

And realize

That I’m smack

Dab

In the middle

Of the single

Largest work

Of art

Known to man

A

“Living Masterpiece”

A break

Before I

Become

Broken

Again

Perhaps

Instead of

Becoming broken again

Lord…

I hope so

Thank you

Oh God

For rest

For solitude

Thank you

That there are those

Who miss me

Help me

Not

To make You

One of them

[don't know how to title this, either]

I'm not sure what to say. Anything that comes to mind seems like it is a broken record. So, I'll just say [health wise] I'm doing better, all indications are that I'm healing & the surgery was a success.
Christmas wasn't "the best one ever". Having said that, it oddly seems like a necessary step toward ...well, where ever it is I'm going. I don't know where I'm going in life at this point. I do know I can't stay here. It does not work. [for anyone] My friend Brian asked, on Facebook, if anyone had new years resolutions. [this is way too big for a resolution] My blog posts may be sparse for a while. [till I really get things going] I also tend not to talk when I feel like I don't have anything good to say. [or I'm too busy to be taking the time to give the 411] I'm told that I "should be doing a lot better in 2 weeks". Please don't misunderstand, they have been really great over there. Answering questions, telling me things, explaining things, 'n what not... I want it to be over -like yesterday. [yeah, I am my father's son] If I put off learning patience... does that count?? [as getting some?? ...oh well, I tried]
Well, I need to wrap up for now. I have a good bit to do, & the only thing "Sabbath like" I'm going to be doing is not getting online. [this is the one part I've been successful at]
I'm hoping to finish getting ready for New Yeears Eve on Sun.
Shop for a dryer [finally got a new Micro... now I just have to install it]
And try [again] to desparately fit in a showing of Seven Pounds [hopefully no later than next weekend]
Hope you enjoy your New Years

continuing journey of healing... ['n other stuff]

...which sounds so much more like it should be a book title.
My healing is still a bit roller coaster-ish, to be honest. Though I am starting to be convinced that I'm on a steadily improving road to recovery. Saw the ENT again on Mon. I'm doing well. He removed some scabs & stuff. I'll see him again on the 23rd. Gave me an antibiotic prescription "in case". [I told him about my weekend, more on that further down] I still have moments of head aches. Though, after my visit, I'm not having any dizzy spells anymore -WOO-HOO. Also, he had every test "known to man" done on [to be brief & polite about it] "the stuff" he removed. Nothing, meaning no cancer or anything. Which is good. My Mom didn't get cancer till she was in her 40's [I think]. And her mother died of cancer in her 50's, 55 -if I'm not mistaken. I might have stated that she died when I was very young. I think I remember saying that I was 4 & a half around that time.
a side note... Many people at LW tell me that my mother is "always happy". Interestingly, my earliest memory of my Mother is her crying over the loss of her mother. [many different times] I used to be told I was a good listener. Well, I began listening to Mom talk about missing her mother. So, I kind of hope I'm a good listener. [I hope I'm still a good listener. I have my doubts lately]
To end this thread, I'll say this. When you love someone, you never really get over loosing them. You just learn to live with the pain of not having them for now. Put another way, you can heal the wound, but you can still see the scar. [I could say much more about my "view of death", but not here, in this post]

Anyway, Getting "on with it"...
I went to first Fri. in Lancaster. After visiting New York City, I don't hate cities. They are facinating, but I'm still much more of a "cabin in the mountains" kind of guy. Fun to visit, wouldn't wanna live there -thanks anyway. Lancaster, I must confess, I don't know very well... at all. I probably should, but don't.
I found Mulberry Art studios easily enough. And I loved it. The only thing that wound have made it better was bumping into a good friend there. I got there late, like 7:30 -7:45. I love old buildings, especially when they turn them into something unique & cool like that. Doc was playing his beautiful black Gretch, Tuck [Andress] plays them & they are just sweet guitars. I do tend to like hollow bodies. So, as I am walking through, the music of "Doc + 1" is meandering around & up the stairs. Soaking through the walls & floors of the place. Reminding me of gigs that my guitar teacher did. As well as the "bootleg" of one of his bands. [it's not really a bootleg, he gave it to me] There was a alluminum? guitar there. With a note to play it if you feel so "inclined". Nah, I don't need a guitar to make a fool of myself. [in my defense, it was strung for a "lefty". if no one was in ear shot...] I saw a beautiful large blue piece. It so reminded me of the cover to "A Blessing of Tears" by Robert Fripp. Those who were there as part of the "staff" seemed nice enough. It was really cool to see Michael Novak's & DeAnn Roe's stuff in a REAL art gallery [where it belongs, if you ask me]. Though as I stared at DeAnn's macros, I was reminded of the first time I picked up an "issue" of Inklings, & saw a poem of mine in it. With her photos I just thought I know this person [which I said to myself again looking at a really awesome peice of Michael's work. Placed on top of an upright piano, in all it's glorious yellows & oranges]. When I look at DeAnn's stuff, or Michael's, or Kevin's... I think, I know these people. And I again tell God how thankful I am to know them. How thankful I am that He "gifted" me with these freinds. How beautiful I think these people are. Loved that I got to see the "perfect dew drop" again. Looking at the close up of a daisy... & remembering "my flower" [that would be Mickey]. Daisies are Mick's favorite flower. Downstairs, in the room that Doc was in [now I feel like a narrerator] There were these really big paintings. I loved the detail in the "tractor one" [sorry I forget the titles] The way light was captured... oh, man. The light "peircing" through the flag. The shadows cast on the tractor & the grassy hill... mmm, I could smell what it would smell like to be setting there. [I grew up close to farms. And with Dad working in Farm supplies, taking me to Ag Progress days & Empire Farm days -farm "shows". I've seen old tractors like that. I think a relative HAD one. ...Uncle Ralph, I think] There was one that looked like I should be on a snowboard. [And made me wish I was going to be soon]
I did walk over to The Prince Street Cafe. It is quite small. Was VERY crowded. Needless to say, I didn't stay long. I'm still a bit "funny" about small places. More so, since I am "still mending". I've... spent time confined to small places, involuntarily. ['nuff said] It was the one time I wished I would have bumped into DeAnn & Dave. [or brought someone along] Certain people make things like that a little easier. [which is a reason I love LW. I have "exit people" there.]

Well, I need to do a few things to continue healing my nose. So I'll have to stop listening to BFFT [Bela Fleck & the Flecktones] live in Hawaii, & Tuck's Hymns, Carols, & Songs about snow. I only have BFFT's show in FLAC & my mp3 player doesn't "do" FLAC.
I want to "vote for my favorite Christmas song" [can it be songs, DeAnn??] But, being the difficult person that I am, mine aren't part of her list...
my top fav's are [in no real order]:
Cry of a Tiny Babe by Bruce Cockburn [from Nothin' But a Burning Light]
this one might be my fav. -at least of "new" songs for Christmas.
Christmas is Jesus by Bryan Duncan
In The First Light by Glad [from Acapella Christmas]

"post Op"

So, it’s been about six days since my surgery. Tues. went fairly well. I’m told the surgery was a complete success. The only glitch I had, was waking up in recovery. I’m not one to like waking up somewhere different than where I fell asleep. I kind of have to “take a mental inventory” of my surroundings. I knew [& planned for the fact] that I would go to sleep in one room/ area, & then wake up hours later somewhere else. It still threw me. So there was a nervous few moments, between me & the nursing staff. They kept pushing my arms down, which lent to a feeling of being restrained. [which I abhor] Unfortunately, this made me want out of there more than just the fact that I was uncertain as to how many people were standing around me. Part of me kept searching for a familiar face [Mick, Kevin, Dave, Mom or Dad, one of my other friends at LW…] Since I didn’t see any of them, I was really debating grabbing someone, you know the ol’ action movie line: “release me” [“…& no one will get hurt.”] After a few moments “Julie”, a nurse there, came over to me slowly & said “Are you claustrophobic?” No, not really. I said [not really convincing either of us]. “…just… too many people in here.” [I cannot keep track of them all. Some touching me lightly. –I’d rather be grabbed by a handful of razor blades]. Upon saying this, however, many of them exited. [all the ones who left larger/ thicker shadows] One nurse kept walking past the room I was in. I made clear that “I’m watching you as well" Thankfully, that was the only real glitch, though. Julie kept asking me how I was. Asking if I was comfortable. “Better now?” “Yeah, now that there are fewer people around.” So besides that things went fairly well.

I felt immediate results from the surgery. I feel like I have “more room” in my head. And, for the most part, less stress/ pain in there. Now I do have pain, even now yet, but it doesn’t last as long. I’ve had trouble sleeping [mostly Wed. night to Thurs.]. Thurs. was rather rough. I was breathing & eating from the same place. Ever hold your breath while eating? Yeah, this should be an Olympic sport. I’ve had this during allergy seasons before, but it’s been a while. So, Thanksgiving was a bit hard. But fun. My crazy, wonderful Dad came over. Picked me up, took me to his place, & we ate Turkey & homemade stuffing, had pumpkin roll, cranberry sauce, et al. Then took me home right after. As it took a lot just to eat & breathe. And I not long ago had wonderful “Leftover Casserole” & Hamloaf [earlier today, actually. Tres Manifique].

Sadly, I didn’t get to see my cousins. They’re home from France & it’s still hard to get to see them. My cousins [Julie & Etienne Cavalero] have a little girl, Gabriella [“Gabby”]. This would have been my first chance to see her. I’m kind of in a phase that my niece said quite well while visiting her Grandpa in the hospital a few weeks ago. [That would be Mick’s Dad, for appendix] “I don’t like this. I want it to be over now.” Yeah, that about covers it. I’m with you Payton.

Long about Thurs. to Fri. & most of yesterday, my right eye hurt when I moved it. This seems to be gone now. I also no longer have gauze under my nose. So I don’t really look any different, now. Nor do I look like I had anything done. I’m still not ready to drive. I’m not quite “all there” just yet. I’m hoping to be better before Tues. I have an appointment on Tues. [& gg on Wed.]. It was really awkward to let my friend Jared take my trash to the curb for me, tonight. I’m not allowed to lift till Tues. Tues. [for the next week, 7 days] I’m only allowed to lift about 18 lbs. Ugh. I loath asking for help/ needing help [or feeling helpless/ powerless].

Well, I need to stop for now. [headache] So I’ll post more later…

Currently listening to:

[my “if I owned a radio station” playlist]

“Your pitiful” by “Weird Al” Yankovic

[into every life, a little Weird Al must fall]

[for the curious…]

“Leftover Casserole”

Is, quite simply, made by taking a casserole dish & put:

pieces of turkey all over the bottom

pour on gravy [cover turkey pieces]

put filling on the top

cook/ reheat

“Voila”

My Christmas list, is my list for Thursday

Dearest Lord Jesus,
Thank You for always giving me the very best gifts....
Mick, Mom, Dad, Kevin, deAnn & Dave, Jared & Becky, Gordon, Connie & Greg, Heather & Matt, Joe, Donnie & Heidi, Brian & Becky....

Your love is too much for me.
Thank You, for being with me
for painting the sky on my way home
to keep my mind off of things
for the divine way that I ended up borrowing Dad's iPod
...so I wouldn't miss mine so much
thank you for songs
thank you for the song of my wife
my mother &
my Earthly father's voice
Thank you for the prayers offered up for me today
they fill my house
like the smell of traditional foods
that would be cooking/ baking
in my mother's house on Thanksgiving
Thank you
that I am not alone
you are here
You Jesus, Mick, The thoughts & prayers of many
and Your Great mighty, holy, gracious, & gentle Spirit
which wraps me
in a robe
a robe so close
that it it cannot be seen
because it is under my skin
wrapped
around my soul


Thank You Father,
for giving Jesus to me...
for forgiving me,
for what I did to him...
for bringing him back to life...
and, thus sharing with me
Your escape route.
thanks for hearing my cries
that there is something wrong with this place
and telling me
That it had a beginning....
and
"everything that has a beginning
has an end".
Thank You
for not having
a beginning...

Dearest Spirit of the all powerful One,
Thank You that
when I cannot find the words
to say to the Master....
it is because they are in a language that I am incapable of speaking
a secret language
between You & Him
please whisper
in His ear
what my fingers & tongue cannot say
please tell Him
what He already knows
tell Him for me
Kiss each other for me

Love,
Your child

[do please help me sleep...
in Your arms, Thanks Dad, for everything...]

last post for a while

This'll be it for a while. I've been trying to get ready for surgery. My friend deAnn posted a macro of snow [not realizing that I was going to ask her & Kevin if they could do that for me. since I don't have a camera that will let me do such things.]. I was not prepared for what I saw. It's so cool. And I LOVE snow. I love to drive in it [well, as long as I'm not on a "time crunch"]. I love to shovel it. I love the tranquility of the snow. The sound of it falling. The way it quiets everything. I think I've mentioned [either here or else where] that only God can change a landscape by adding just one color. To see the pic. click here: vertical creativity. I'm going to end with something I wrote while looking at this picture...

Touchable grace

Snow is touchable grace

It falls

All over the place

Changing the drab usual world

Into a seemingly magical wonderland

It is a temporary glimpse

Into Jesus’ words

“behold, I make all things new”

For snow

Renders objects

Unrecognizable

Even when you finally know

What it is

Underneath all that “white stuff”

You find yourself thinking

“really?”

Snow makes us

Change our plans

Drive differently

Snow

Makes us

Look out the window more

Sigh

And marvel

At the beauty of nature

And…

Snow

Makes me think

Of grace

Grace

Changes everything

You find it

In the weirdest places

You find it in dingy

Imperfect places

But grace never gets marred by it’s surroundings

And grace

Always transforms

What it “lands” on

It always makes things better

It is survival

For the “unfit”

It makes it fit

Grace

Like snow

Is a reason to get up

In the morning

Throw open the curtains

And

“check out” a brand new day

It’s a reason

To explore

It’s a reason

To “borrow images”

[it’s a reason

To lend images]

Grace gives the courage

To be creative

Grace gives a reason

To share what’s created

Grace…

Celebrates

What is created

Grace

Speeds healing

Grace helps us

To see white

White

As snow.

an update [sorta]

first, forgive misspelled words/ forgotten punctuation/ or any other anomalies.
I'm typing with one hand. [for those that have known me for a long time: no. the other hand is not missing/ broken/ or sliced open. my sinuses are dripping -leaky faucet all the way. so, tissue to nose -one hand, and "hunt and peck", the other. i am seven shades of happy...yes, add heavy sarcasm]

i went for round 3 of head CT's. now, this time, they gave me the films and a disc! so i can scroll through my own head @ home. [why is it that as i look at this post, it looks like a ransom note??]
as i look at it and extrapolate from what i was told by the ent, it looks like surgery will be inevitable. but i am still praying that i won't have to go through that. and beginning to pray that mick is doing better by then. also beginning to pray for the details if surgery happens.
1st, that they won't have to cut me open.
2nd, that i can go back to work asap. [as i have no vac. time. new jobs tend to have that down side.]
3rd, that mom will be able to take me and bring me home. [or Kevin. who shocked me by mentioning that he might be able to take me if i need him to. i'm very thankful for my church family. who are amazing beyond words.]
4th, is a tricky/painfully honest one. despite this post....
i'm not one to do things like this. tell people that i'm "not well". or ask for help. were you to know my complete story, it would be heartbreakingly obvious why this is. it would be understandable... -not ok, but understandable. i'm trying to "break out" of this practice.

the blog is "bought as is"... how-some-ever, while i am bought -by Jesus, exactly as i am. "warts 'n all"... he loves me as i am... but too much to just leave me here. busted and sharp edged. a "ghost peep" along the side of the road, that no one wants. no. as P. Steve said a few weeks ago. Jesus has come to make all things new. all things... not just some. welcome to one angle, of my all things.

well, i'm off. to quickly update a few people who probably don't read this...
this is a sort of re production of the drawing i did about psalm 147:3
[it's supposed to be a band aide.]
the pic at the top of this post is a photo of my toolbox from my days at york label.
yes, i like phish. is that good or bad?
later,

The Election post I... "have to write"

So, I have to write an election post, huh?

Ok... you asked for it.

I voted.

Yes, God is sovereign.
I voted for president of a country.
I still follow the maker of the universe.
Someone said to me today [after I voted] "if Obama becomes president we need to pray for our country."
Was there a time we were supposed to stop?
is it not written: "...pray without ceasing..."?
Obama himself said: "God bless America".
which is nice...
but what about: God teach America. God heal America. [why stop within our borders?]
Yeah, we need alternative fuels... we need alternative thoughts, too.
To rely less on foreign oil, & to rely less on just domestic currency.

I, myself, watching Biden step out to stand beside Obama, faintly heard -yet again- Martin Luther King... "I have a dream today..."
I think if King were here, he would be smiling. [I think he has better things to occupy his time...]
I am a bit of a cynic. I want to see him move us out of this crisis. It is one thing to promise stuff... & quite another to begin the process of delivering on those promises. I'm glad so many of us voted. I'm sorry that I haven't always. I have enjoyed making fun of the "broken records". [I'll end this post with a different slant on that joking]
I'm glad there is a clear winner, & not a "return of the son of the recount" as was the case last time out.
Glad that the only ones talking about "dimpled Chad's" are grandmothers.

Well, I need to get some sleep. My latest Head CT is just hours away. I'm a week from knowing if I need surgery. [so: "stay tuned to this station for further reports"]
And I can begin, again, to pray for a named president. President Obama. To pray for an imperfect man, running an imperfect country, in an imperfect universe.

Thankful that imperfection... [as of a Friday long ago] is on the endangered species list.

I'm Brian Noll...
...& I wrote this message.
[this message was not paid for by anyone, who would spend money on this?]

The ENT [a longer explaination]

I went, disc in hand, to see the ENT. [The disc had my Head CT's on it.] It was a bit weird, as well as extremely wild, to watch my doctor use a laptop to scroll though [starting at my face & scrolling -strolling?- through to the back of my skull]. For the squeamish, it wasn't in color. It was an x-ray, black & white. Black is what we were hoping for. Showing unblocked sinuses. My right side is totally solid, save for the sinus above/ behind my eyebrow. My right eye seems to tear up periodically. I assume it is because of this, as well as because of my allergies. Which add to the mess. I'm kind of self conscious about it, to be honest.
So I'm on Prednisone, & Avalox. The Prednisone is a "flu type" regimen. 4 a day for 2 days, 3 a day for 2 or 3 days, then 2 a day, then -you get the picture. For 10 days. The Avalox is one a day for 14.
Side effects... Any Ray Stevens fans out there? "doctor doctor, have mercy on me. Doctor your cure, is worse than my disease. Practice of medicine is a must.... but, must you always practice on us?" a few lines later... "...practice, practice, 'till you get it right".
I'm also reminded of a Frazz cartoon. Where one of the young students gets a small scrape on the monkey bars. The student asks "will I get addicted to vitamins?" "...Vicodine? No."
Where was I? oh, yes... side effects. Trouble sleeping, water retention, puffiness, ... the list goes on -far too long for my tastes. Oh, & did I mention these are for each type of pill?!? So, yeah, don't worry... I haven't even shared the worst ones. [but I am one to monitor myself rather well. So I'm trying to keep them in the back of my head. Without manufacturing the symptoms because I read them, & it seems more than a little ironic that I'm reading them near Halloween.]
The plan, as it stands:
is to use the med.'s.
Another Head CT [to see where we are at]
And to then decide if I need surgery. He thinks I will. As only one side is blocked.

The surgery would be outpatient. They would snake up my nose, if they can, & remove any "growths" that are hindering the normal flow of things. Or cut under my lip [inside my mouth] & go up through that way.
The downside is: no heavy lifting for a couple of weeks. No exercising. Possibility of nose bleeds that I'd need to go to the ER for. [but they would be for the first week or 2]

So, there you have it.

Being able to see all that in the scans, was just amazing. The more I learn about the engineering of humans, the more fascinating God becomes. To have made people so complex is so very captivating. Technology has a similar effect. We humans make computers for various tasks, yet we ourselves were made by loving hands. Computers work & talk to each other in a "binary language". A language that consists of 2 symbols a 1 or a 0. All of this... blog, windows, etc. all are created using a binary language... the human, English language consists of 26 symbols for the construction of words. And 10 symbols representing value or quantity.
Which makes me wonder...
How many symbols are in God's alphabet?
I love the verse that speaks of this:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Romans 8:26-28 [The Message]

This has been a helpful verse for me over the past couple of years. As I have said to a few close friends: "I'll tell you [or email you] later, when I can put it into English." Sometimes, both good things & bad, can be "beyond human language". I feel a need for a language not yet given to me. A language that the current body & mind I posses, is incapable of speaking. [perhaps a language that has yet to be born?] Truthfully, though, the last sentence can be hard [in dark times] to not look at as "really cheesy". But it is accurately written, "That's why we can be so sure..." can be... not "are", can be. I must admit, I'm certainly not always so sure. You bored up there?? My life not interesting enough for ya? or perhaps: yeah, I'm awake. I'm still here.

I'm searching for a drawing I made [in "other news"]...
I'm going to conclude with a quote, & the verse the drawing is based on...

He heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

I know God too well to be mad at Him, but not well enough to know what He’s doing.

B

And my soul has been kissed

A friend of mine posted the song 40 by U2. Mentioning songs that we are given to sing.
Songs to The Father. "Hymns to Him". This song is on a playlist that I have. A list of songs that are "between Jesus & me". Many are desperate cries to the Almighty. Many are... vivid descriptions of how badly I need Him. [in the vein of my statement: I need Him so bad I can taste it]
Examples:
From [I think it's called: "You Are"] a hidden track at the end of Stereotype Be by Kevin Max,
You Are
...you are
the shelter from the pain
you are
the drugs that kill my pain
...You
you are the one
you are the one
you are my God
and you are
you...

A very favorite song, gives the title of this playlist [& the title of this post]
Wind at My Back
by Spock's Beard
How can you be
Like a sky stretched out before me
And the world is turning your way
Even darkness is better this way

Can it be true
That it all comes rushing from you
When my resistance is gone
And there's nothing that I can lean on

You are the wind at my back
You give what I lack
You're the jewel in my hand
You're like rain on dry land

You're the focus the beam
You're realities dream
You're the blue in my black
You're the wind at my back

All of the above
I'II have the lot for my love
And as we're becoming somehow
As we're changing the future to now

I just want to live
In the place that you have to give
I let the heat beat me down
Until the water comes down

You are the wind at my back
You give what I lack
You're the jewel in my hand
You're like rain on dry land

You're the focus the beam
You're realities dream
You're the blue in my black
You're the wind at my back

You are the wind at my back
You give what I lack
You're the jewel in my hand
You're like rain on dry land

And my soul has been kissed
Just because you exist
You're the dream that's a fact
You're the wind at my back

You're the wish that I make
You're the prize I might take
You're the gold that is free
You're the groom on one knee

You're the focus the beam
You're realities dream
You're the blue in my black
You're the wind at my back

There are 2 versions of this song on Spock's Beard's cd Snow...

I love the second version, the final song on the set. There is a point where it feels like the band -collectively "looses it". The band is no longer performing the song, the song is "singing itself" through the band. Almost like the song is in control. that happens at this verse:
You’re the ocean

The tide

You’re the door

Open wide

And my soul has been kissed

Just because you exist

You’re the dream

That’s a fact

You’re the wind

At my back

Another U2 song, for me, is Hawkmoon 269.

[fav. verse...]

...like comin' home

when you don't know where you've been

like black coffee

like nicotine

I need Your love...

There are so many more. Perhaps later this weekend or next week I'll post the playlist's songs.

Anyway, these are "songs I sing". As we used to joke, I sing them solo... that is to say: "so low you can't hear me". When I'm alone, I really do sing them. Some would find the list ir-reverant, or "sinful" maybe. Maybe they are for other people. But they mean something to Him & me.

They are "our songs".

Hope you & Him have a few of your own...

sometimes...

I have been writing a post, I'm not sure how "finished" it is, that began as a statement from group on Wed. Sort of a "how I got here" -LW that is. I've been "up & down" the last few days.

Tues. night was a blast. Got to hang with my Aunt Susie, Uncle Marlin [who for the last 24 years have been missionaries in France, at The Chateau De St. Albein], my cousins Ben [& his girlfriend Holly] & Phil [& his girlfriend Freddy -short for Frederica]. Phil is computer savy & was on the tech team in Black Forrest [a school in Germany where he met Freddy].

You'd think I wouldn't be down after that, or "not so soon" anyway. Wed. I was really down [& parts of today, really]. I almost didn't go to group, & didn't really feel like talking much. I sat in the parking lot & thought "why am I HERE?". I went in, went to the worship area, & talked to 3 good friends. It just felt soothing to be able to listen to them talk to me. To just have them acknowledge me, & let me be near them. They "hugged my weary soul" yesterday. And it felt good. One part anti-depressant, one part a "massage of the soul" -if you will.

I'm just "like that" sometimes, don't know why. I tried to talk to my friends. I just... it was easier & nicer to let them talk instead.
well, I'm off. [to listen to "sounds of hope"]

a T-shirt , a notebook, & words

Ok. I told someone I'd put up some of my drawings. So why is this a pic of a T-shirt? I couldn't find a King's X T at any store in or around York. So, while at Lake Champion with Young Life [Young Life is where I met Jack Dyson] I made one. The Graffiti ish logo was my own creation, I used the concentrated dye used to make the Tie-Dye shirt to write it. The scribbling is the signatures of the band members [Doug Pinnick, Ty Tabor, & Jerry Gaskill]. I was wearing the shirt at a show, that I couldn't get into [21 & over]. Doug came out after the show & saw it & said "That is cool!" I asked them to sign it & they did. The irony was that the girl on staff at Champion was named Gretchen...
This one has no real title. Not even much of a story. And I don't like how it looks in this scan, I think it looks better "in person". It isn't a picture of anyone [real or fictious]. My hair, long, wouldn't look like that, either. [even though my hair is extremely curly, if left alone & left to grow long enough...don't hold your breath]. I seem to remember drawing a few shots of people. This was one of my first attempts at a human [as opposed to a stick figure]. I remember being down as I drew this & another one that I cannot find "at present".

The last 2 are from one of my journals. The last couple of journals have had some drawings or "doodles" in them. And as a friend suggested I've bought a new journal that isn't lined [my first "unlined" journal]. The strange thing is I'm afraid to start writing in it. [Should it just be a "journal of drawings"?]


This one is called "The Broken Puzzle". A sad sort of self portrait. A "how I've veiwed myself". I cannot really see myself like this now. [or I probably wouldn't have posted it here] At work, at church, in my life... I've often felt, perhaps not all the time, like I just don't fit. Like the top of a fountain soda lid. There's diet, cola, ice tea, ...& other. I'm other. ...only, I'm just me now. Still not always sure I like it, but I'm me. I'm becoming more comfortable with me as this year goes on. And I have people who make me feel like I fit. Especially at church. And, the worship area has become a "safe place to land" for me. So if I don't feel... "up to being around people" I'll go there to kind of "get away". There's always a lot of people there, but the core staff I feel connected to & I feel like they will "help me hide" if [for whatever reason] I feel the need. And if I feel vulnerable or need anything they moblize like they're a Navy SEAL team.

This last one is called "Love Demonstrated". Mom always said: "love talked about, is easily cast aside. Love demonstrated cannot be denied." -thus the title. This image just came into my head one day. And I felt I had to "get it out"... so I've drawn this many times. This is probably my favorite version. Though all of my doodles seem really kind of lame to be putting them "out there", for all to see. I'm kind of afraid to let people comment to this post.
Not even six months ago I would never even have contemplated doing a post like this. Whether it's photos, poems, or drawings... I've not really been comfortable with "sharing myself" with people. I'm just not that trusting of people. For that matter, just last April or May I wouldn't even have done a blog at all.
I told a friend that I would do this. [truthfully, partly because I want to encourage her to share her paintings... & partly to "make myself do this"]
On Vertical Creativity, & on her Woman's writing blog, deAnn mentioned [& it's been mentioned more than once] about the "inner critic".
Even if you don't do anything artistic. [..or at least "don't think you do"] you have one of these. At least one. Mine is pretty rough, & graphic. So I've written to myself [my poem "But Me", for example. from another post]. I also have held onto things that speak to this struggle that all of us have. I really don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with voices in there head saying things like:
"You are such a looser, Brian" "you are a mistake" ... [quite honestly, I'm stopping there -at least for now. You've heard these, I'm sure.] And these are extrememly mild compared to what mine say to me. You may look at these drawings & say "I could do better than that", or "a five year old could do better". Or you may say you love them, they should be in a gallery. The voices are still louder than you. I want to write more on this, but I must stop for now at least. The group that wrote the song I'm posting here, is where I first heard of To Write Love On Her Arms. [I may post a bit on them in the future as well. At least to share from the story a part I have come to call "The LW paraghraph"]. but for now...

I told deAnn I'd post these lyrics. And to another friend of mine. If you remember me telling you about a playlist called hope, this is another song on there...

Words

By Between the Trees
from the cd The Story & the Song

This night, this night just like the rest
These same thoughts running through my head
Same reckless phrase with a different face
They say, they say that I am worthless
But I'm not listening
I swear, and yet
Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes built to be broke down
Around and around
I'm falling down, again

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill

This feels the same
Complications in different situations
I am holding out for love
Is it worth it
To die a little each day
All for unseen grace

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
(meant to be broke down)
Surely kill
Your words are breaking down now

I would say
Where I've been to where I am
It is worth it
His grace
When all else fades
You can see it
His face
So now...

Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes meant to be broke

These thoughts were meant to be broke down [x11]

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill
They surely kill
Your words are breaking down now

Take care...

you are loved...

more than you know

multi tasking

Ok... so I'm now on facebook. [as ...like ...me]
So... as I tried to type on facebook moments ago...

I am currently
#1. paying bills
#2. listening to Infrared Roses [among other "spaces"] by The Grateful Dead
#3. figuring out how to separate my "friends" on facebook into manageable sections so as to not have ...like 20 responses to "being friends" on facebook when I've been friends for years with them [well, some of them, anyway] face to face.
#4 checking the tape I'm "taping TV with" to watch at some fictitious point in the future, you know, "when I have time". I did, however, "give in" to one show I like to watch, NCIS. That & "The Unit" are 2 shows I kind of keep up with more than others.

I multi task a bit. I have a thousand things in my head that I want to have already done, but sadly haven't yet. I recently found out that my worst allergy season is... this one.

[switching gears a bit]
This is a slight apology to anyone who knows me & wondered why I put "them" in as my friends & not you, I'm just trying to manage things here a bit. [& sadly I'm not doing very well at it.]

So, if you see me in your "this could be a friend of yours" "column", & want to add Brian Noll
hey, that's cool. You'll know it's me because there will be a few pictures of France & some fractals as my 2 "photo albums" on there. ...and, of course, no picture of me. I hate every picture ever taken of me. [to the dismay of my Mother] How-some-ever, it is a "thing I am working on fixing" [one of the many, as previously stated] ...so who knows?
I must go, I'm working on an email to a friend as well. I'm putting together some poems I've written over the summer [that I will send] & maybe a photo that she could possibly use.

in closing, as Colonel Ryan [the unit] once said:
"have a good 'n"

Fear [a comment/ continuation of a post on Vertical Creativity]

Fear...
I hear the old "...the only thing we have to fear is... fear itself."
The only fear not worth getting over is the fear of The Lord. ...and the greatest fear of God is standing before Him & instead of "well done, My good & faithful servant." ...getting this:
"What... -you mean that's it?" -OUCH.
Ok. time to admit stuff. I love to climb, since I was quite small. I'm afraid -not so much of heights, but the fall from them, the "rapid decent" scares me. But "with a little help from my friends" [sorry] I not only Repelled, & rock climbed a 45 foot cliff... I cliff dived, too. AMAZING... but if fear had been left to reign... I'd have never enjoyed "weightlessness", like that. That's just a human example.

I really appreciate a few people who are in my life to spur on my creativity.
I pray for them as well. I'm not the easiest person to know. Not the easiest person to get along with either. Yeah, Carol... not give 100%. -been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.
I laugh at myself for what I fear...& what I don't. I've taken Systema [a Russian Martial Art] & you would be surprised by what scares me. As I type this I'm smiling over the old A-Team show. Rough, tough MR. T... afriad to fly. Could beat anyone up...afraid to fly.
I have been [still somewhat am afraid] to let people know:
I write poems,
I take photos,
I used to play guitar,
I draw, sometimes...
but the thing is... there are times, when I've done any of these & it felt like Jesus walked into the room... sat down near me, ...& smiled. It gives me chills just to think about it. There are a lot of little "admittences" that I'm beginning to get used to. To allow myself to be fearful... & walk toward that fear. I was fearful to send deAnn my first poem, to comment to her blog, to send her my first picture. "she's gonna say: 'LOOK, jerk, quit wasting my time... Got it creep!" fyi -she's never said that. Not once.
I've grown up with this thought from my mom & I feel it from others at times. This feeling that I am "destined for greatness". I'm afraid of greatness. I've seen what greatness can do to an ego.
Doug Pinnick sings it so very well "...little do we really know, the river ego deep & wide..." [from the song: Human Behavior, by King's X]
The only time I loved it, other than with Jesus, [a man getting glory] was with Aragorn from Return of the King. Because he answers "I keep non for myself"

I like watching some TV & some movies. I've gotten amazing things just from trailers [the little adds in theaters about up coming movies].

Hancock is this self absorbed person with an amazing gift, a "reluctant superhero" ...or the "not-so-super" hero. One line grabs me from the trailer for this movie:

“You have a calling. You’re a hero, Hancock. You’re going to be miserable the rest of your life… until you except that”


so... all this long windedness... wonderfully typed "musings"...
are you miserable?
...could it be...
just maybe...
that you are not quite yet...
what you were born to be?
are you creative? have you used it lately?
what ever you do... that brings you & Him closer... please make time for that. You'll never look back & wish you hadn't.
I'm learning to say: "Brian is a creative person."
[you have no idea how badly I want to erase that... but whether I delete it or not... it's true]
I've just about had it screamed to me. I've tried learning to speak French, that phrase... is harder to say, than anything in French.
I'm also learning just how destructive it is ...to let a week go by without using my gifts.
I've said this before, but it seems so much louder now... not being able to snap a few photos or write -for a week- ...I'd rather be dipped naked in rubbing alcohol, & drug slowly across a yard of razorblades.
It makes me a "not fun" person to be with.
Yeah, what if they laugh? what if they go "yuck!", or "I could do better than that!"
...I had a friend, who could draw [I've probably posted this before] he'd throw out his drawings.
I got up, walked over to the trash can, grabbed them out, & reverently flattened them back out. I walked, angrily over to him & said: "don't ever do that to my friend's art again. I don't CARE if you hate it. My friend can draw, he's awesome at it! ...if you want them thrown out... you'll have to do it when I'm not around -got it."
...I never even got letters in the mail without him drawing on the envelope, after that. [& I still have them]

I'm not sure how to end this... so I'll end this by "revisiting" something I talked about earlier.
I said I thought I knew what deAnn would say about my poem: "she's gonna say: 'LOOK, jerk, quit wasting my time... Got it creep!"
below is something she actually said to me...
"You have a voice. Your voice is no less valid than anyone elses. let it speak. don't let it be drowned out."

Don't let yourself be drowned out. You have a voice. Let it speak. Let Him use it. Yeah there are probably things that are pretty dark parts of your story... give them to Him. After all...
where do you think they got the idea for "extreme makeover", anyway?
[...and I'll try to "practice what I type"]

A hero, mirrors THE hero

I am attracted to heroes more than I used to be.
...yeah, the DC, Marvel heroes.
I feel a connection to them.
I feel a connection between them & Jesus. Tonight [for whatever weird reason] I watched "Smallville" -Superman, the teenage/ young adult years. I'm half watching as I'm trying to set up the DVD/VCR to tape Grey's Anatomy for my wife. On a side note, I have a love/hate relationship to "doing it for her". I like people learning how to do it on their own. They feel smart, perhaps smarter. I like people learning how to think, not what to think. Being needed is nice, but being wanted is devine. It means [or says] we can live without you... but we don't want to.

Ok... back to comics, childhood for some of us. Tonight, for the second time, as I watched a superhero... I saw THE hero in the hero. Again, near the end of the show, "Clark" reaches out to a girl who can "throw fits"... & the planet shakes, & she can make things explode. Clark reaches his hand out, & she says to him "how can you be nice to me? ...after all I've done?" Clark: "You didn't know any better. You listened to the wrong poeple. Come, I will help you learn to use your gifts... for the benefit of others."
...why does this sound like a book that's been around, a lot longer than comics have?
He goes on to say that we all have secrets. Things we don't tell anyone. Gifts that we are afraid to share. What will people think? will they think I need to be locked away? Will they run away? ...or will they want to "study me" like I'm some kind of "neat anomaly"? Or will they simply laugh... "ya call that art? wow... you don't know much about art, do ya? ...I've seen art, & that isn't art."
If you are human, someone does say that to you [just like I hear it].
...thing is, it isn't who I think should say it. It isn't my friends, ...it isn't my parents [but we sadly write our parents off in these matters... unless they actually do say nasty things like that], ...& Jesus certainly does not say that. You will never read in the Bible: "...and God said: 'oops ...I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to make them"
So... [don't know about you] why do I live like He does say things like that? ...and how do I stop?
How do I let Jesus [in my own life] walk in as Wolverine. I eluded to another scene, in a superhero story. It's my favorite. I almost lost it in the theater, & cry every time I watch it on disc. To me, it is a comic book, personalized, Good Friday. I talked about it to a friend. After seeing X3: The Last Stand, I emailed him. I titled it "Jesus as Wolverine". The chapter is appropriately called "Because of Love". I can describe it, but it's better witnessed that told. I somehow see myself as Jean, & Jesus as Wolverine. Through out the movie, he never gives up on rescuing her. "You can't save her." Storm says. "I have to try", is his response. I will share their 2 lines at the end of the scene.
Jean: [agrily spits out] "You would DIE for them?!?!"
Wolverine: "...no Jean, not for them...for you"

With You
I walk through
the woods today
...feeling like
a lost prince
...found by
his beloved King
like a strange
"shadow of a 'rough
around the edges' hero"
of a long lost
story
I drink in
every smell
every sound
every color
every image
I walk
through
the rough
draft
fo a
kingdom
soon coming

the world has
seemed
[over the last 3 years]
like it was
wearing thin
-almost
"tired of itself"
but as You
seem to keep
doing to
[or is that with?] me
it is always
the most dry
...just before
it rains
it felt like
it was raining
all the time
-it still does
...but now
it is a different
rain
cleansing
refreshing
painting
-in new, vivid colors
all I see
all I smell
dark
is not as dark
desparate...
is less hopeless
hope...
oddly blooms
like a flower
in the desert
my life
isn't different
hasn't changed
...but I have
I see that I can
go back
to my
"self made trap"
I...
don't...
wanna
I...
like it out here
...with You

[...currently listening to "Children of the Chosen" by Neal Morse, & "I Just Wanna Live" by King's X. The Morse tune, for a few friends who rely on me to tell them about new Morse stuff. Is available as a free, single version, from nealmorse.com, & is from the upcoming disc "Lifeline". It sticks in your head, Morse is very good at this. This also, is the first disc since his convertion that is not a concept disc]

Down [pt2], allergies, & dizziness

...ok. Pt 2 -down as a location

I have allergies. My running joke is:
"I have so many that soon I'll be allergic to having allergies".
-but does that mean I'll be cured?? ...hum.
So almost a week ago, I took Mick to the Conawago Inn. For supper, for our anniversary. We had never been there. She loves to try new things. On special occasions. Especially on these times -I don't. Too much can go wrong. Well, Fri. went well. [for you vegetarians, I'm sorry] I tried a meal of pork chops with a raspberry & strawberry gaze on them -amazing. Turns out Mick works with the owner so he went "all out" for us. His wife sang to us at the end [those who know me know I was very self concious -I positively despise being the center of attention], it was very sweet & touching. Also, he gave us a complimentary glass of wine. [for the very first time in my life I realize why, at my cousin's wedding, the French gave us so many different wines with each course. As -to me anyway- this wine, didn't seem to go with what I ate/was eating. More on my "French Connection" & maybe some pic.'s later]
What does all this have to do with allergies? -or down as a location??
I now have food allergies. Wonderful, I was bored with the other ones anyway. Not to mention used to them. Before Fri. I had one. A wonderful, kind, & artistic friend of mine makes a [sorry for the pun] "killer" carrot cake. "Tres Manifique" as the French say. [or less formally, "oo la la"]
Unfortunately, I'm allergic to carrots. The technical term for my allergy is "Cross Polination" which means that I'm not actually allergic to them. I can not have them during my "peak allergy times" as they become a "last straw", when combined with the allergies to: grass, hay, pollen, pet dander [read as: skin], rag weed, dust, [not making this up] Smut -never liked Playboy anyway -oops, not that kind of smut [but I can pretend], smoke [i.e. cigars, cigarettes, ...], ... I'm sure I've left some out.

I woke up Sat. to a swollen tongue, dizziness [could hardly stand up all day, fell a few times], sore slightly swollen throat, a headache from the back of my left eye down to my throat. However, I could breathe fairly well. [those who are familiar with food allergies know that you can go into anaphalactic shock, & even die from a food allergy] I think I was awake -collectively- for maybe an hour or two on Sat. to go from sleeping in bed, to sleeping on the floor, to sleeping on the couch, [repeat]. I watched 5 or 10 min. of the beginning of about 3 movies & 2 shows. I was supposed to be serving on Sun. [A/V "tech" team, on camera]. I was stuck at home all weekend. It was pretty much unsafe for me to walk, let alone drive. I guess now would be a good time to state that: a) I hate asking for/needing help [with the white hot intensity of a 1,000 suns] b) I cannot state strongly enough my distaste of feeling trapped in any way. I am an "always have an exit" kinda guy. I hide this, at times, by allowing certain people I trust to "be in the way"/ blocking an exit. I do that because I know [usually by looking at them] that if I need to leave they will "not stop me". Not even as a joke. I'm not at a really phobic state about it. But I do get uncomfortable with it, especially at certain times or in certain situations.
The dizziness wasn't as bad as it sometimes paralizingly has been. And is not connected "per se" to my allergies [the ENT: Ear Nose & Throat doctor, is working to asertain where this is coming from. My worst dizzy spells mean laying on the floor only. And -this being the weird part- I feel better if I'm on the floor in the basement than on the floor in the living room [one floor above], & better on the living room floor than on the floor in the bedroom. [again, bedroom is on the 2nd floor. So, the closer to ground level I am the better.]
I have another appointment with the ENT on Oct. the 20th. To give me a balance test. My Systema instructor would laugh at my having my balance tested. "he has better balance than I do", he's said. I was also told to "bring someone", as I won't be able to drive myself home. Can't wait. [heavy sarcasm] Actually if it gives me too much of a problem I may get sick riding home, which concerns me.
All of which gives me a bit of a depressed feeling overall. I feel so weak/stupid/worthless when I'm stuck on the floor. almost like a broken toy.
Well, I must "get on with it".
Packing for a trip to the cabin with my wife. [where I'll spend a little time figuring out what God wants me to do about the 2 groups I'm in this fall.]
I have to rest, we [both her & I, & God & I] need to talk. Hopefully this will be restful for her back, which she has a lot of trouble with. So I've got dishes, laundry, & things to do. I need to finish packing [both "normal" stuff & writing stuff. going into nature intensifies my love of creation/need to be creative. Maybe I'll post a new poem when I get back.]
I also watched a show with Mick that delt with death. [I'll have to post on this later, along with other thoughts]
for now, I leave with another poem that I wrote a long time ago now...

The war for normal

[edited version]

I am

Truly

Tired

Of having

To bleed my conversations

To retread

The same ground

Trying desperately

To be understood

To “say it right”

Why is communication so hard

For me

Anymore??

Why am I so immobilized

By how I really feel?

Why does it seem

Like there’s an ocean

Between me

And those

Who seem

To care?

Why must it be so thick?

Why must the wall

That separates us

Be so hard to

Tear down?

Why does

Telling about myself,

And my feelings

Feel so much

Like a steel cage match?

Why do I feel

Like I’m

Being held down

With rope?

Like there’s duck tape

Over my mouth

Like there's a knife

To my throat?

Why is talking such a struggle?

Why does

Telling my story

Seem like a crime?

…and why do I

Have this

Dangerous thought

That my story will one day

Be very public?

God,

Please help me

Please keep them

From giving up on me

Please help them understand me

[as best as one can without living my nightmare]

Please help me understand them

[..& keep me from pushing them away all the time]

Not My Friend

you are not my friend

I don’t know why

I spend so much time with you

you really can’t hate me

But

Then again, you cannot love me

Either

you’d have to be alive

To do either one

But I carry you with me

…and…

I just have to stop

Gotta put you down

Cause I’m tired of you

Bringing me down

Getting in the way

Of The One

And those He sent to me

When I see you

…I cannot see them

I don’t care if I hurt you

…but I don’t want to

Hurt them anymore

They love me

you don’t

yep, they probably will hurt me

…eventually

But at least they might apologize

you never will

you are a part of me

…but you

Are

Not

Me

Part of the story that is me

But not the complete package

you are a poison

a prison cell

a spiritual cancer

I don’t have to live in your town

I don’t really have to visit, either

So I guess I’m just trying to say

That I’m leaving you

For actual people

People who give a damn

Why?

Because

…you

…are

…not my friend