Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The April problem [the month, not a girl]

ok... I'm gonna post this. I wrote it a while ago. Earlier in the month. April has been ...not always a horrible month, yet often it is. I'm still working on the details of it. Can I find a why? Can I figure out a way to fix the problem? If no -to either of these... can I find a way to fight it? YES, I can. So I've assembled music, 2 books, a couple of movies. Think of them as... Swords, taping up my hands for a fight, guns & ammo, ...whatever works for you. Whatever analogy is vivid for you. It seems to be working. However, the one thing I'm a little nervous about... call it "nervously determined". I'm planning to assemble a few people who will know my story better. So I can share a bit better how I'm feeling. If I can't put into words what I'm feeling they will have a sliver of an idea what it comes from at least. I struggle still with who should know how much. Yet, as I read blog posts from To Write Love On Her Arms... I cannot help but see how helpful it is for me to be able to read many of their posts. They are a big proponent of community. And our need for it. Like many other things, I seem to live this "it's important for others to have... not me." Which is a very pathetic lie [if ever there were one]. So I'm trying to apply their People Need Other People to my own self. Which isn't very easy. Yet I feel it's necessary. 
So all that to explain the poem that follows, & the few sentences after. I've been up & down since. This week is no different. Tomorrow is my last work day for the week. Then I'm going to try to relax a bit. Well, my version of relax, anyway.  Baking Red Velvet cake, photohiking, driving. I can not wait. Hopefully tomorrow I'll pass my CDL test. I think so. I've been practicing. You haven't lived till you've tried to parallel park a 26 foot box truck.  
Take care of yourself. Make sure, sooner rather than later, that you have some people who know the darker pages of your story. You never know.... your struggle may very well help someone else's struggle... their struggle... my very well help yours. 
May His grace drip from your fingers,

over again
like a scratched record
I get up
I beat myself up
till I fall
in a heap
on the floor
What did I do
oh no
not again
here we go
over again
back to the same
wretched place
how many times
can I go through this?
how many times
must I?
will this ever end?
am I doomed
to this
I want to be done.
for this
to be over
it isn't.
So I beat myself up
till I
it continues
like I'm circling
the drain
& over
& over
over again
one day
it will be

Sorry, I'm a bit up & down lately. Things coming & going round again. Same struggles, different year. It's not "getting old". It's not new enough, anymore. 
So I'm working out a ...well, a new fight strategy.