Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sabbath [restless thoughts on rest]

So... 2 friends of mine have "initiated" 2009 as a year they will observe the sabbath more... "intentionally". Which is good [not that they needed my approval at all, mind you]. One of my favorite blogs is seedlings in stone. Some time last year I read a post from L.L. Barkett. Who mentions not using computers on her sabbath. I think it's good to give things a rest. To "take a day off" from different things.

I, myself, have been struggling to give myself a sabbath. Nothing makes me want to do something more than saying "just not today".
Now that I've prefaced this with an apology... here's why...
Do any 2 people "rest" the same way? Maybe what I call rest... you call torture. Maybe. I'm in the midst of healing. [on many different levels] Maybe I'm thinking about this right now because I've been sick [since about last Thurs.]. What does everyone tell you to do when your sick? [besides drink lots of fluids] "get lots of rest". Now, they mean sleep, when you're sick. But that has made me wonder... maybe that's sometimes why we get sick. We cram so much into our lives that the only way our bodies can make us rest is to get sick. Sad, huh.

What is restful? I default to sleep. But is sleep restful? [...I know it should be] Is sleep all there is to resting?
What is relaxing for you?
for me...

Hiking is relaxing to me. For that matter, just being in a park doing just about anything is -for me- the epitome of rest. I think better. I breathe better [except for when my allergies kick in]. I write better [& more often]... when I am surrounded by nature. Able to drink it in. Summer is more relaxing for me because I make the time to go to a park to just "be". working on my computer is fun & relaxing for me. Sometimes it's the only way to write for me. [this is weird, to me anyway] I don't know why I favor typing on my pc over writing in a journal, but some days I just cannot pick up a pen & write. But on my pc, it "just flows out".

Driving. I got sick of driving once in my life. [I drove home from Pensacola Florida, pretty much non stop. 18 hours? anyway...] I love to drive, especially the Jetta. My honeymoon was driving Mick through the Blue Ridge Parkway. I loved it! She loved it because she got to travel without driving much at all. She hates to drive, but loves to go places.
THERE. There it is. For Mickey, driving wouldn't be a "sabbath thing". She just does not like to drive much.

So, what is restful for you? What relaxes you? what makes you breathe easier & draws you into His presence? you have a regular time/ day when you do that?
if not... maybe you should.

Well, this is the latest I've been up since I got sick. So, since I don't want to get sick again...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

trying to speak

I'm in a non-communicative funk. I don't feel right. As a result, I just don't feel worth being around. I want to write here... but I cannot seem to find words that work. I want to post on facebook, but... again feel all I could write is both down & hopelessly inadequate. I have a lot I'm trying to initiate in this year. Trying to reshape my life. This post is kinda part of that. Stepping out enough to say "I don't feel like stepping out". I don't feel comfortable ...even stating the painfully obvious. I've learned over the past year or so to write in a journal. To just spew/ vent/ "verbally throw up" everything that's on my mind. Engraving my screams on pages.
My actual blood is on some pages. To explain: it's winter [in case all the snow & parkas didn't give it away]. My skin gets dry, painfully so. So when you see me, I'll have band-aids on my fingers. They crack & bleed. Upset at things going wrong one day, in frustration, I wiped my bleeding finger on my journal. "bleeding my thoughts", using it for emphasis.
My mind is going in one hundred directions at once. I missed seeing a group of friends tonight. I didn't feel like I had the strength to drive there, for one. I didn't feel "comfortable in my skin", either. Physically so. [I do feel it the other way at times, also] Thankfully it's the first time in a while, for feeling kind of paralized, stuck at home. So I crawled into a chair & just sat there. Zoning out.
I want to comment to some friends & their blogs/ facebook discussions... but, again, I just feel like I cannot get the words out. ...are my thoughts worth hearing/ reading?? [I am writing now just to end the dry spell/ tell myself that my thoughts are no less valid than someone else's]
I should go for now. ...but this seems very down, so I'll leave you with a song that I heard somewhere & kind of liked. It speaks to the need to be loved as we are [the good, the bad, the ugly, & the ewww]. It's kinda sappy... but I like it's simplicity.

The Way I Am

Written by Ingrid Michaelson

If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I'd find a match

Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I'll make it better

Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
You take me the way I am
You take me the way I am

Friday, January 9, 2009

a new year, a new dryer

Well.... I put a new [clothes] dryer in... I have been reminded [over the course of several breaks, "give ups", & depressive "time outs" to clear my head] that I am not a "handy man". In any way shape or form. I have a friend [maybe 2 over the course of my life] who are "good with their hands". I have nothing but respect for this, ability. I, however, suck to the umpteenth power, at this. If you "aren't a guy unless you are a handy man/ fix it guy"... guess I'm not one then. And I cannot get people to understand this, at all. I can probably change the position of a satellite with an iPod. [you should have seen the stereos I've "Frankensteined" together. They looked hideous, but they sounded good!] But, sadly, I'm no good at stuff that "normal people" can do. But my Dad [parents think you can do anything, build a third world country with tin foil -no problem] said "it's easy, you can do that yourself". sure. He helped me get the old one to the curb, put the new one in the laundry, & away we went [to return the truck]. So I went out & got that "non flexable" vent duct work "stuff", & went home to put my dryer in. [that was Thursday] I just about had it when it hits me: "I had a door on here at the front, where's that white little square on the bracket for the closet door... oh, there it is." [about 5 inches behind the end of the dryer, nice] So I tried, unsucessfully, to fix it & just couldn't get things to line up. So I gave up for the night. I came home tonight & tried again. Again, after several "time outs", it just didn't look like it would work. So I took yet another break [to remind myself how much I suck at home repairs] & Mick comes upstairs to me & says "how about I call my Dad & see if he can come over & help you?". At this point I inform her that it isn't helping me, but he can take over & "do it right" if he wants to. So, she calls... & I decide [after a few more moments of hating how bad I am at this crap] I decide I'll go do & try one more thing that popped into my head. Now that help was on the way [&, honestly, a conversation with Him. That you wouldn't want to eves drop on] I went downstairs to give it one more shot. And it worked. So, when my Father-in-law & brother-in-law came over they looked over my work & both thought it looked good. So, partly feeling badly for them coming over for nothing, ..."could you help me with my micro?". So, finally, both are replaced & working well. I do feel a little bit of satisfaction with having done the dryer myself. [wish I'd have been able to be a little better at the how I did it/ felt while doing it, but you sometimes take your tiny victories where you can get them]

As for the new year... I don't really remember being very into doing the whole resolution thing. I did try to go a whole year without buying a single piece of music. I think it took three years of trying before I succeeded. This year I am more setting goals, making plans & time lines for doing/ finishing things. Having the micro & dryer done were on the list. I've resolved to keep a bit of a journal/ word doc. on these things. So that when I get to the end of this year, I can see how far I've come. My sinuses seem to be clearing, but I am still getting "chunks" out at times. And when I "rinse" my nose every night, I'm choking a bit while doing the left side [it's not draining as well as the right is currently]. I'm getting more energy, which is mostly good.

I saw a really cool website tonight. Points with a Purpose. It's art with a purpose. How cool is that? Sad, that each dot in the picture represents a sexual abuse or rape survivor, but wonderful that an artist would think to do something like that.

well... we all need to sleep sometime. I'm just really glad that the dryer & micro are in. up, faucets [ugh]...