Friday, April 15, 2016

my strange April

Life is so weird. While I've been up & down, lately. [pretty "standard fair" for April] I've been able to go to the Infused Arts stuff at LWCC. Pretty much all month. I actually wrote about 5 haiku poems tonight. I went through my usual: "Wow, I really don't do this well at all." first.
As we were sharing our poems with each other. I heard something from one of the gals there I never thought I'd hear. A woman named Beth said: "Hup, nickel in the 'jar'. [puts her finger on the center of the table] We don't say we're stupid here." 
In a way you feel like your back in grade school. Yet, why DO we tolerate calling ourselves stupid, anyway? I mean, like that'll make you do better..... at anything. Wrong, thank you for playing. What's actually worse is, I wouldn't tolerate anyone I know saying that about themselves. So why do I give myself permission? Yeah, guess what needs "voted off the island"? Ah huh. I thought you'd see it my way.

So I'm working on writing a post for another blog. Welcome to the latest edition of: "sentences I never thought I'd type, with your host..." I've been invited to write one. It doesn't mean I'll actually get posted there. So I'll link to it if it actually happens. Which will be the latest "wow, this is weird/ surreal".
What's more, I'm going to try to squeak out some money to have 1 or 2 of my pictures framed so they can hang in a gallery. Me. Artist. ....who knew? [not me, THAT'S for sure] So welcome to my "it doesn't feel real" life.
Welcome to the strangest April I think I've ever had.
Maybe it WILL snow on my birthday....
[yeah... don't hold your breathe]


[the rules as a haiku]
five, is it's beginning
seven, is what comes after
concluding with five

as he drew his sword
like he did, in days of old
his nemesis, bold

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Ode to a Thorn

ok, so I posted this poem on facebook first. I'll say some similar things here that I said there.
First, I wrote this last night. During the 10 year celebration of TWLOHA. You can watch it on live stream here. It's about 2 hours long. My poem is inspired by Sierra DeMulder & Tonya Ingram & their spoken word poems [probably why I think mine would sound better spoken, than read]. I began to write a poem, didn't like it. I started over. The following is what came next. After I wrote it, the title became obvious. Though as I got more than half way done, I realized it has a bit of a similarity to the Apostle Paul. Who wrote of having a "thorn". While never naming what the "thorn" was. I'm glad he never named it. That way, we can each put our struggle in there as the word or words that replace the word "thorn". So this is a poem about thorns. I hope you get the point. Without getting stuck by it. [couldn't help it] So, here is my "ode to a thorn"....

when your tired
of "this"
whatever your
that part
of you
of your story
that you want to
just hit "delete"
-or maybe "undo"
yet you know
you can't
it's there
staring at you
you look at
you think
you just say to yourself:
I am "this"
nothing but "this"
"this" is all there is
to who I am
is all I am
just wait
it's not true
are more
than "this"
your story
is way more
than just
"this" is a chapter
in your story
not the story
not the plot
certainly not
the theme
isn't you
or who you are
so please
don't live &
die like
is all you are
ever will be
we don't believe
should you?
not for one second
are way more
than "this"
it does not
need to be
part of the present
or the future
not YOUR future
not my future
not anyone's
so grab
a shovel
IT'S journey
ends here
the ONLY thing
is good for
is to share
was in your life
you ask
so everyone knows
are not alone
in "this"
are not the only one
dealing with
to tell
or remind
each of us
that we all
a "this"

by b.e. noll

p.s. I reserve the right to add to or subtract from this version of this [or I may not be finished with it yet]
p.p.s. TWLOHA, thanks for all you do. So glad & honered I got to meet Jamie, Renee, Chad, & Jessica.
Thankful for Jessica giving us a tour. When I flipped the calendar to April I heard her asking to see the calendar making sure the birthday sticker was in there.

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Hello out here in cyberspace. I have really "gone silent" online as of late. No emails.... no facebook posts... no tweets..... nothing. [cue crickets here]
There are two parts to this.
The first part is that the business I work for is changing.
I think for the better. Not that I feel that way every moment of the day, mind you. However, in the long run, I think it will be an improvement. I like everyone I've met from "corporate". [Which I call them because I'm not quite sure what else to call them. People from the company that basically bought us out.] Change can be a lot of things. It can cause a lot of emotions. Not all of them desirable. I have been given the chance to drive commercially. Which I've done for a while now. I've learned quite a bit about myself through this. One thing I've learned is that while I am an introvert. This does not mean I want solitary confinement. To be alone every second of the day. I like being around people, I just don't recharge around them. [I get Donald Miller's "when I'm alone for too long, I get a little strange" statement] So I'm no longer sure I will end up driving "for a living". Which is sad of course. One can make a lot of money doing that sort of thing. So the thought, now, is that I will be a back up driver. [vacations, sick days, etc.] Though, I'm not sure that's settled yet or not. I'm still glad I went through it. Glad I tried it. I'm really good with GPS now. I'm liking traveling a lot more now. It made the Disney trip a "cake walk". [though why you'd need to walk a cake, I'm still not sure] With the work hours I'm getting & other things in life I haven't been very chatty. [in person, either]
...which leads to the second reason.
I'm really bummed. I sleep more. I sit in front of the TV more lately. These two things seem to blur into each other. I watch the first part of something, wake up an hour later. Which I'm not a fan of, really. I don't feel like doing.... well, anything, really. This feeling has got to go. I am voting it off the island. So I'm slowly can I say? "pushing back" as it were. Trying to push myself to things. I've been depressed before. So I'm pulling out those things that I use for meditation. Trying to push myself to write & take photos more. Pushing myself to write this. I really don't like being honest... when being honest entails telling you that I'm not ok. I don't want people to worry. [which not saying anything doesn't really fix, or avoid] I don't want to "be a bother" to anyone. Sadly, what no one tells you... is that when you try too hard to "not be any trouble" ...that, itself, can be the problem. If I really want to help others.... I need to let myself be helped. It was never really a one way street. It wasn't meant to be, either. What's worse, to me anyway, is I really like & support twloha. Who, as a general rule, are trying to shout the very sentences I've just said. Who really want this last paragraph I struggle to write [let alone post] to be more easily shared with people. To be shared among people. For us to quit hiding the "not so fun" posts [words, parts of our lives] from each other. Largely because it helps no one. Yet I still do it. And I know some of you still do, too. We have to allow people to see the down with the up. Because when we do, we realize that struggling... is a common experience to all. Your struggles & how you handle them can help me. Mine can, maybe, help you.
Only if we share them.
So this is me, sharing my bummed out feelings with you. Wherever you happen to be on your journey.
Stumbling... falling on the journey isn't our problem. Refusing to let others help us back up is.

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

I know I'm silent right now... [a poem] by b.e. noll

[this is a "stream of consciousness" poem. spawned by an email...
& a video by Sierra DeMulder + Tonya Ingram for TWLOHA]

I know I'm silent right now
the inbox
shows only old conversations
said in a million yesterdays
know this
I am still here
even though my facebook feed
dries up
I check my inbox
and it reads you have
with some strange number next to it
from facebook
a plea
from somewhere in cyberspace
saying please reach for me
when my twitter feed
seems all tweeted out
when my pinterest
holds no new interest
when the pins are dusty
and my keyboard seems rusty
you may want me to speak
and I'm silent
and you think
"must he?"
keeping you in suspense
please don't be too tense
really am
a "work in progress"
it is that I just
'wall myself off"
from people
afraid my junk
is far too much for them
that I am not worthy
of your worry
even though
we both know that is a lie
we both know
that that is a lie
thank you
for living out
the fact
that I am worth knowing
worth sharing the darkness
it's strange
to think my hell
could be the path
to your heaven
that somehow
what I lived through
could help you
live through
your own
it's scary
a good kind of scary
perhaps a necessary kind
yet still not the easy kind
it's hard to let go
of the bad habit
of keeping your hell to yourself
I must try
I must push through
the only thing better than surviving my hell
better than breaking out of my own hell
is seeing you
break free too
so I know I'm silent right now
all it is
is silence
not death
not the end
not the end of me
not even close
I'm still here
still breathing
still living
still fighting
for a better tomorrow
one day
a better day
May His grace drip from your fingers,