Thursday, October 30, 2014

about a photo & a comment...

"This is my bliss face. I've never seen it before."
You know, it's funny how someone can innocently teach you something just by speaking. [or, in this case typing]
This is my sister-in-law. On her wedding day. I posted this photo on Facebook. The quote is her comment to me on the photo......
You know what? I think that's what I want to do to/for people with my photos. -well, some of them anyway. Show them what they've never seen. I'd like to do that with my portrait photos. Show people... the beauty & joy of themselves. Beauty they might not stop to see. A value in themselves that maybe they haven't believed in.
I've seen Marianne ["Mare" as we call her] go through struggles... maybe that's part of the joy I feel in her comment. That I could capture for her a moment of bliss. A spark of joy. The beginning of a new chapter in her life. Honored that I could be there. Thankful to be able to stand with her family. To be able to stand with Ben's family. To be able to stand with their friends. [they have such cool friends]

Though, my thoughts on this... as they wash over my mind like waves on a beach. Make me realize how selfish I've been. How my own insecurities... punish more than just me. Rob others as much as myself. For so long I haven't "enjoyed myself". To some degree, I've kept others from their ability to enjoy me fully as well. Not that my life has been all painful. It surely hasn't. It surely could be much worse. [& could have been so for a great deal longer] I'm just continually becoming aware of how my brokenness ...the depth of it. the height of it, the insidiousness of it. The limitations it put on my.
Yet I am also becoming aware of how to gently step outside of it. And live. Marianne's comment... so helps in this regard. It's like a nudge or an alarm. Wake up. Keep going. There's so much more to see. So much more to journey to. Even if getting there isn't any of the fun. Arriving will be.
I guess it also reminds me that I've been seeing ...ways to joy in my life. I never realized how alive I could feel... till I began to take more forays into artistic endeavors. Hiking...painting... writing... photography... cooking...baking... I want to eventually break out my guitars & play them again. Just to see where that might also lead. I'm ..."excitedly scared"... or, is that scared excited?
How can you be someone who enjoys being a "wall flower" & end up being the center of attention somewhere?
How do you live as an introvert in an extrovert role?
[can there be such a thing as an extroverted introvert?]
So this is me. Learning to call myself an artist. Learning that being one...might be freeing.......
maybe freeing for more people
than just me....

I've been an only child my whole life....
yet, I find myself with sisters now....
brothers now... [so glad for Ben Krouse. my "new" brother-in-law]
thankful for my brothers from Wed night.
guess..... I'll never be an only child ever again.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

not sure I should say this. [is it helpful?]

So I'm wondering if I can pull this off. A friend wants to talk about suicide with me. Which causes a swirl of thoughts. Can I give them hope & encouragement? Can I really be honest? Can I really "get back there"? Into those moments of hopelessness. I'll admit, it's kind of nice to struggle to get back there. [instead of the struggling to get out & away from there. Which was very hard to do] Which also begs the question will it get me stuck again? -doubtful.
My question "can I really be honest?" isn't quite what you might think at first, either. What I mean is:

This isn't just a "Can I be brutally honest to them without hurting them?"
I actually am thinking more along the lines of: "Can I push the truth out through my lips"
Will I be able to really let them go "all in" into the nuances & crevices of it. [thoughts, feelings, actions] Can I do this in a truly helpful fashion? How do I let them know that what worked to pull me out ...probably won't work exactly the same for anyone else? We are all unique. 

The thing we all have in common is we are all different.
Not to be preachy, God doesn't want to have your relationship with him...with me. 
He's not a manufacturer. Making one cool thing... & making a ga-zillion of them.
Nope. God is an artist. He makes one... & never makes anything like it again. 
I used to think he looked at me & went: "wow.... I'll never do THAT again."
The words are correct. The vocal inflection is wrong....
"WOW.... I'll NEVER do that again." .....meaning: "I like him/her.... so much, that I'll never do that again. They are too beautiful to repeat."
So I'm praying about this conversation.  Not so much that I "save the day". More that he uses what I say..... however he wants. Somewhere between my voice & their ears... HE gets to say what ever he wants..... & we "have ears to hear". He can speak to us both at the same time. Who knows? ...he just might.


So I'm thinking of some quotes/ lines from different people as I think on this, too.
Please don't hide your scars - let them shine as lights to help the rest of us find our way - in the darkness. - Aaron Kunce


The way you treat your heart and speak of your story is what you encourage me to do with mine.   Please, be kind with your heart and courageous with your story.  [click on these sentences to read the whole blog post. I really liked it. From TWLOHA. Thanks Aaron Moore]


"...And I'm a long
long way
from your hill
on Calvary 
& I'm a long
way 
from where I was
where I need to be
& if there is a light 
we can't always see
if there is a world
we can't always be
if there is a 
kiss

stole 
from your mouth
& there is a light
don't let it go out"
from the aptly titled: "Song for Someone" by U2
I want it to be just about reaching out to someone who no longer wants to live here. Meaning the planet. I'm not sure now, though. As I listen to it more... Which means it's classic U2.
[btw, I really like the new disc, Songs of Innocence. Reminds me of the early stuff. Boy, October, & War... without being those tunes with different lyrics. I also hear a bit of a "punk vibe" in this, that I haven't heard for a while from them. And am thankful for.]

Obviously, you can pray for me on this. That it goes the way it should. That we give it the proper amount of time. That wisdom prevails. See, the friend is close to someone who has meantioned wanting to kill themselves. Which is why I'm nervous. Why I want to help. It would be nice to play a small role in making sure someone doesn't end their story...before it's meant to be over. Every person counts.
I am typing this as I listen to Person of Interest. 
Reminding me of two lines: "Everyone is relevant to someone, Mrs. Groves." 
& "That's the thing about the world... it doen't come with extra pieces." both spoken by Harold Finch.

So I think, for now, I'll sign off with some words from To Write Love On Her Arms...
Your story is important.


People matter... everything else can be arranged. [or lived without]

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I wanted to paint out of love, kindness, hope


Tonight I went out on a limb. I decided to paint. Which I've done before...to my house. I have never considered myself a painter. At all. I like to look at other people's paintings, & "wish I could do that". That's me. Infused Arts @ LWCC, is an artists community, at my church. I decided [after saying I was gonna for about 2 yrs]  to go. So I went in July [for photography]. This month I wasn't sure of.
However, as these photos prove, I went. I really wasn't prepared for my evening. It was fun....





 

 I like the way light plays off the paint...


It was a real internal struggle for me, though. I guess I want everyone around me to think that I'm smart enough to know what I really am not good at. Smart enough to not go & do what I can't do well. Thing is... how am I supposed to know if I'm good at it if I never actually try doing it? Further, I can't expect myself to be a professional "world class" or "world famous" anything without trying it. Practicing it. Honing my skills at it. Wait... I should say that I "shouldn't expect that".... The problem is, that's EXACTLY what I expect. From myself. I only expect perfection. Well... from myself. YOU? I got all the grace in the WORLD for you. Just.... not for me.  ...why is that? Beats me. All I know is THAT is something I might just be "The World's Best" at.
After that paragraph, you can imagine how my night started. I began confident... which lasted about 9 nano seconds... & promptly fell off a cliff. Internally: "Why did you think you could do this? This. looks. dumb. Seriously, what ARE you doing? This, is garbage. ..." And on & on it went for a bit. I seriously had to force myself to stay. To keep trying. Is it a masterpiece? I don't know.... I don't care, really. That wasn't the point. The point was to step... into something a bit scary. Something out of the ordinary for me. As I pushed through the negative thoughts racing into my mind, I did what I usually do. I encouraged others. I enjoyed their paintings taking shape. I began to realize that I was one of many who really weren't sure they were "cut out for this". We encouraged each other. As I just kept playing around, dabbling in this paint & that one. I began to force other thoughts. "I like that color.... Mick would like that color.... What if I try this? nope, not liking that. Ok. How about this? -ooooh, I like what she's doing there. Can I make my own version of that happen in my painting?"
Turns out..... the answer was yes. Then one woman came up to me & said: "I like that. I like the hands upraised above the heart. Did you try that? Do you see what I'm talking about?" At first, no. Then...yeah, I do. No, it wasn't planned. Had a great conversation with another gal about how helpful art can be. How therapeutic it can be.
honestly, tonight.... with these people.... was therapy, in the most unusual way.
I really enjoyed this. Especially when I stood up to the inner struggle against myself.

The heart, in the corner, I sign notes to my wife & my Mother with that. I sometimes put it on an envelope as the "postage" on a card I give them. I wanted to paint out of love, kindness, hope..... it never occurred to me that I might be struggling to give myself hope.
It was worth the struggle.


I painted that. I painted the heart with my finger.

May you feel loved.
and may His grace,
drip from your fingers,
B

Please... don't go [a poem]

Please... don't go

it can be hard
to stay here
when all you see
is broken
when it all seems
like it's your fault
like everything you touch...
just goes away
when you feel
like your dreams
thumbed a ride
and all you can do
is watch the tail lights dissapear
And all you wanna do
is "go with"
however
as tempting as it can be
to end your story
please...don't
please stay here
we need you
your the only you
we'll ever get
No one else can do that job
but you
We need you
we want you
even
if you don't
don't
let
go
life is a gift
please share yours
with us
b.e. noll


"...& be.....
be yourself.
There's no one,
who does it
quite
like you
& be.....
no one else
cause if you don't
then who is going to?
your a tribute to the best of us..."
from "Be" by Kevin Max

more fragments [or what a fractal would look like if it were made with a typewriter]

No One Else Can Play Your Part I just liked this.
Sorry the individual song on my last post has been taken down. [I'm more sorry that it wasn't legally put up. Feel like I should apologize to U2 & UMG, however, I didn't put it up] You can still listen to the album on iTunes, it's still free. Though, I plan on getting a physical copy. I can't say I support a band when I didn't buy their disc. [My Mom thinks it's cool that she has a U2 disc in her iTunes library. I'm probably the only "kid" -I am 43- who's Mom not only prays for his friends...she prays for the bands that move me. At least the ones I tell her about all the time.]
Been wearing my TWLOHA T's this week. Tomorrow will probably be "brown's turn" [if not it'll be: "La Vie Est Belle" which, in English, means "Life Is Beautiful". My Limited Ed. Sevenly & TWLOHA shirt
I'm not sure why, I seem to be attracted to "interesting" movies lately. 
This looks good: YOUR NOT YOU. Heart breaking moment: when the caretaker says "You wanna die, & you know I won't let you." ouch.
Sobering conversation tonight with a friend. He shared that his Mom committed suicide...& his son has talked about it. We've agreed to talk about suicide at some point. Then he said something I... couldn't think of a response to. "Glad you're still here, B." ...what, exactly, do you say to that?
He knows that I came pretty close to it.... [seems like someone I knew, a lifetime ago]

"...there is a light, don't let it go out..." by U2 from: Song for Someone, from the album: Songs of Innocence.

"There is no end to LOVE."
- BONO [from: Bono's note, on U2's website: "Remember us?"]
[not that he's ever gonna be bored enough to read this]
Dear Bono,[Edge, Adam, & Larry]
Remember you... I'll never forget you. Though you don't know me from Adam & Eve's house cat, your songs are: nostalgic, comforting, give me permission to cry [& help me do so], give me permission to scream.... many are like old friends. We have secret stories. They are encouragement letters set to music. Post-it notes to keep me going.

Thanks, take good care of yourselves.
No one else can play your part.
Thanks, for playing your part.
B

I need to go for now. Get some sleep, so I can try my had at painting "Jackson Pollock style" tomorrow. I know... push your luck much? ALL the time. But, hey...I AM good at it, no?

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

You matter, no matter what

I have so many thoughts in my head.
I should be sleeping.
and I can't keep my head still.
Still... I think & try to find
a way to settle this
ever plaguing thought process
swirling in my head
though
I should be asleep
instead.
I'm going to wear my TWLOHA shirt
[well, one of them, anyway]
tomorrow
-wait, today. it's after midnight.
Welcome to today
welcome to
your life
right now.
already running
spinning in or out of
control
I get to drive today.
I can't wait.
though, it would have been nice to listen to the new U2
on my drive.
Anyway, as you can see I'm not really doing anything,
just playing.
So for tonight...
i'm gonna sign off with some small random quotes & links
if your iTunes works [mine doesn't] you can go to iTunes & get the new disc by U2, for free.
if yours isn't working either. Here, you can listen to it. U2 - SONGS OF INNOCENCE
I feel like, in light of today being World Suicide Prevention Day, this feels like a theme song for today: U2 - Song For Someone
ok, now for rAnDoM things of moderate interest.....
Great words from TWLOHA
Welcome to midnight. Glad your here. To new beginnings [& greater chapters]

This came to me last night…

Perhaps we are all like nuts.
The “meat” on the inside is the real us…
The shell to be discarded is who we wish we were…
 
To the wrong person, you'll never have any worth. To the right person, you mean everything. from God's not dead.  
 
"We all need people to fall apart with."  
 
Repost of the poem Unique [on Tumblr]

Remember that you matter...to more people than you think.

May his grace drip from your fingers,
B

Thursday, September 4, 2014

a poem

who you aren't
you
are not what you drive
you
are not
where you live
you are not
how good you could look in a digitally altered photo
you are not
what you do "for a living"
you are not
what you wear
you are not
what you eat
you are not
any disease you have
or might get one day
you are not
simply "what your gifted at"
you are not
who you hang out with
you are not
your favorite color
or song
or movie
you are not
the library of
books
movies
or music
that you own

you
are not
a mistake
you
are not
an accident
you
are not
your story
You are not
an object

...
you
are
SO MUCH MORE
than any of these lesser things

by b.e. noll