Wednesday, April 23, 2014

random silliness, & continuing with "gifts" I'm glad I have


Random conversation with a new co-worker:
Her: "You ever see The Foo Fighters?"
Me: "Live? No."
Her: "oh, they are great live."
Me: "I can imagine. I can't believe Dave Grohl has played with such a diverse group of musicians. He played at MTV music awards with Chick Corea. Most people don't even know who he is."
Her: [questioningly] "yeah, um who IS he?"
Me: "ever hear of Miles Davis?"
Her: "um, no."
Me: [trying not to seem like I'm insulting her. So I move on] "He's also played with Paul McCartney."
Her: "cool."
Me: "I think I want to play with Dave Grohl someday."
Her: [laughing "gently". Probably trying not to insult me] "why? -I mean anything's possible."
Me: "He plays with everyone. I just want a turn."
She laughed. Then gave me a look like "that sounds reasonable."
Of course if Mr. Grohl called or tweeted or whatever...I'd probably be the quietest person he's ever met. The thought just popped in there. The "I just want my turn". This is how my mind works.

Ok. In the “continuing thankfulness” category. [or thankful for the gifts I already have.]
I’m thankful for my families. The Nolls, the Amspachers, the Ness’. So many stories.
My Mother & Dad. I’m an only child. Sort of. See, biologically, I’m an only child. I don’t really remember how this began. [or when] Dad became good friends to a secretary he had in Lancaster. Working for a company called Anchor. She still calls me her “little brother”. Though I don’t remember when she began this. She’s thought of Dad as her “second dad”. As he & Mom got involved with Living Word, they began to be called Dad & “Momma Nance”. My mom is “mom” to so many at LW. They asked me once. [they EACH asked me once] “B, are you ok with these people calling us ‘mom & dad”? “If not, we’ll tell them to stop.” I told them “I’m only going to be upset if they stop.”
[& Randy Turner is going to tell me again he wants in on the will. I love your humor Randy.] So now I have lots of brothers & a few sisters, too. So LW is a “family” too.
Well, I’m going to stop here for now.
Got my Delaware run tomorrow. Another gift this week.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Monday, April 21, 2014

thankful for...Mick [& a bit of my love life before her] a rambling

Hi. I am really sucking at this whole thing I had kind of planned for this month. Now we are at the end of it. I might just "stay sloppy" & let the idea spill into May. I have a busy week. Drive to Delaware again Wed. Which will be relaxing. To add to the "hike-apalooza" of Fri & Sat. [I so need to empty my camera cards for those 2 days.] I also hope to post some more photos & poems here. I've been wanting to pick up my guitar again. Just to fool around, & get re-acquainted with it. I have junk to go through & kick out of this place.  It's just time.

As for my continuing thank you notes, I'm thankful for Mick. We do have some special times. Like realizing we had the evening all to ourselves last night. Didn't do anything major. [I mentioned the Mandela movie] We drove around & got mini red velvet cakes. Marriage is a cure all... till you in one. Afterward, it is an element of your story. Which means that it has everything your story has. Everything life has. Sadness, joy, laughter, seriousness, fights [sometimes with each other, sometimes FOR each other]. Moments when you feel like "why did I DO this?" For me, moments of "I never intended to punish anyone this much ever." We have both got our share of "Wow, you REALLY screwed up." Followed by "Wow, I REALLY screwed up."
After all: "two imperfect people, living together in an imperfect universe. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? -only everything."
I'm glad we have weathered all that we have. I'm glad we can still smile at each other. Get lost in the moment together. There are romantic moments [not as often as one would think or perhaps want], yet they are not "lonely". As mentioned above. I'm still glad for her, she's still glad for me for some reason. Which I guess all of these words are the reason I like Paramore's Still Into You. Why I understand Plumb's Say Your Name, At Arm's length.
So anyway. Still glad there's an "us". Glad we are growing. Growing toward each other. Nope. Easy isn't in there. Never is. No relationship is without it's fair share of bruises. WE want to escape that. We will... just not here. Not the way things are.
Mick has issues.
And I joke, "I don't have issues. I have a subscription." Yeah, I'm a mess. Though...not always. Sometimes this mess is funny. Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes I just don't see the light. Sometimes I run from it. And sometimes I can't out run it. [and that's beautiful]
We always come back to us.
It's not sweet enough to be a love song. Not a bad enough train wreck to be a break up song.
We're just us.
I'm glad there's an us.
I look back & realize I pity every girl I ever dated. [yep, that means even Mickey]
Though Mick not as much. Cause I'm doing better at this.
[I should for crying out loud. I had a good enough example. The best, really.]
None of this is to "feel bad for me". Just to share that I'm human, too.

And I remember being single. Wanting to be married. Though not bad enough to just marry someone who's breathing.
I remember being set up with/ asked about every girl I spoke to for more than 5 seconds. People could not stand for me to be single.
"Is SHE your girlfriend?"
"ya know, 'if you have to ask'..." or
"TRUST me. When I have a girlfriend, I'll make a public service announcement."
"I get to pick the girl I'm marrying, right? -just checking."
Seriously, They'd have me married with 2.5 kids. [in 12.5 seconds. White picket fence-I don't want to paint that every year!]
Just a tip, nothing is worse than being set up with every girl that still has a pulse & walks past you. NOTHING. A single person KNOWS they are single. They haven't forgotten. They don't need a reminder. We need to love people where they are. Not where we create them to be. It is tough, most worth while things are. [oh, & for girls, all you do is switch a word. K?]
Anyway. I never really loved a girl till there was Mick.
So... even though she'll never read this, a last song.
a Paramore song.
cause it was nice to think of who I might date. Yet, there's only one girl for me. I honestly never thought I'd find her [let alone have her become interested in me]. I thought I'd be alone. Forever. I eventually gave up. I began to see it as something that wasn't for me. Romantic love was for other people. I'd never have that. I'd never fall that far "in love". So I began to "dust myself off" & go on. No love for me...
But Mick became
The Only Exception.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a sideways post

continuing on [with everything].
Just saw MANDELA: A Long Walk To Freedom. So good, yet so sad. Some really good dialogue in there.  Hate... is a corrosive emotion. Hate is the only weapon that is more dangerous to the person holding it, than to anyone that person uses it on. The only thing worth hating...is hate, itself. I don't remember if I ever posted this on here or not. One of my dreams is that everyone in heaven...is a different color than everyone else. This way, we can give racism the finger, without moving a muscle. Without having to do anything, at all. Why waste time on something that is a waste of time, itself? After all, we all bleed the same color.
Looks like a chance of rain Fri. & sat. I hope at least one of those days looks better. I can work around the other.
this isn't turning out like I was hoping at the beginning... however. I thought I'd post a comment I posted on: Stuff Christians Like. One of the blogs that's linked to on the side of mine.
He talks about allergies. So, If you were wondering if I have any... well, the list goes like this:
cats, dogs, hay, cut grass, mold, dust, ...& then there are the "out there" ones. carrots, & smokes [from least to worst: cigarettes, cigars, everything else]. So here was my comment:

I get pretty much all of this [even the comments]. I have so many allergies, I’m afraid the next thing I’ll be allergic to is having allergies. I joke about it A LOT. I have to. It’s either that or be mad.
So… I don’t do drugs, I just wait for allergy season so I can feel that way for free. The only allergy I like is that [believe this or not] I’m allergic to cigarette smoke [as well as the "other" smokes]. So seeing Rush live for my birthday was fun, years ago. Even though I paid for it for about a week afterwards. “you ok?” “yeb, I’b fibne. lobed ta concert” I was a mess. Allergy shots have worked wonders for me as well. I have a few minor moments, nothing like I used to, though. my favorite joke? Begins with my being allergic to carrots. A gal at my church still hates it when I say her carrot cake is “killer”. [carrots give me Anaphylaxis] It’s a “cross pollination” thing. So I have it “part time”. SEE? the economy is messing with everything. I can’t even get a full time allergy anymore. The REAL joke was years later. My Allergist: “you can try carrots again. Just make sure you have someone with you when you do.”
Me: “so…let me get this straight. I’m 36 years old, & I can’t have carrots without ‘adult supervision’?” If you hate something bad enough, there’s a joke in there somewhere. Thanks for making me laugh. Sorry your suffering, though. We could all buy stock in Kleenex. [it's the thought that counts. That's why I think a lot] - See more at: http://stuffchristianslike.net/2014/04/16/pretty-sure-devil-invented-allergies/#comment-197110

I get pretty much all of this [even the comments]. I have so many allergies, I’m afraid the next thing I’ll be allergic to is having allergies. I joke about it A LOT. I have to. It’s either that or be mad.
So… I don’t do drugs, I just wait for allergy season so I can feel that way for free. The only allergy I like is that [believe this or not] I’m allergic to cigarette smoke [as well as the "other" smokes]. So seeing Rush live for my birthday was fun, years ago. Even though I paid for it for about a week afterwards. “you ok?” “yeb, I’b fibne. lobed ta concert” I was a mess. Allergy shots have worked wonders for me as well. I have a few minor moments, nothing like I used to, though. my favorite joke? Begins with my being allergic to carrots. A gal at my church still hates it when I say her carrot cake is “killer”. [carrots give me Anaphylaxis] It’s a “cross pollination” thing. So I have it “part time”. SEE? the economy is messing with everything. I can’t even get a full time allergy anymore. The REAL joke was years later. My Allergist: “you can try carrots again. Just make sure you have someone with you when you do.”
Me: “so…let me get this straight. I’m 36 years old, & I can’t have carrots without ‘adult supervision’?” If you hate something bad enough, there’s a joke in there somewhere. Thanks for making me laugh. Sorry your suffering, though. We could all buy stock in Kleenex. [it's the thought that counts. That's why I think a lot]
 I hope this made you laugh. [I hope it made Jon Acuff, & his readers laugh, & not just hate me]
anyway. that's the 411 on "me & allergies".
I'm thankful for humor. I need to laugh sometimes.
I get pretty much all of this [even the comments]. I have so many allergies, I’m afraid the next thing I’ll be allergic to is having allergies. I joke about it A LOT. I have to. It’s either that or be mad.
So… I don’t do drugs, I just wait for allergy season so I can feel that way for free. The only allergy I like is that [believe this or not] I’m allergic to cigarette smoke [as well as the "other" smokes]. So seeing Rush live for my birthday was fun, years ago. Even though I paid for it for about a week afterwards. “you ok?” “yeb, I’b fibne. lobed ta concert” I was a mess. Allergy shots have worked wonders for me as well. I have a few minor moments, nothing like I used to, though. my favorite joke? Begins with my being allergic to carrots. A gal at my church still hates it when I say her carrot cake is “killer”. [carrots give me Anaphylaxis] It’s a “cross pollination” thing. So I have it “part time”. SEE? the economy is messing with everything. I can’t even get a full time allergy anymore. The REAL joke was years later. My Allergist: “you can try carrots again. Just make sure you have someone with you when you do.”
Me: “so…let me get this straight. I’m 36 years old, & I can’t have carrots without ‘adult supervision’?” If you hate something bad enough, there’s a joke in there somewhere. Thanks for making me laugh. Sorry your suffering, though. We could all buy stock in Kleenex. [it's the thought that counts. That's why I think a lot] - See more at: http://stuffchristianslike.net/2014/04/16/pretty-sure-devil-invented-allergies/#comment-197110
I get pretty much all of this [even the comments]. I have so many allergies, I’m afraid the next thing I’ll be allergic to is having allergies. I joke about it A LOT. I have to. It’s either that or be mad.
So… I don’t do drugs, I just wait for allergy season so I can feel that way for free. The only allergy I like is that [believe this or not] I’m allergic to cigarette smoke [as well as the "other" smokes]. So seeing Rush live for my birthday was fun, years ago. Even though I paid for it for about a week afterwards. “you ok?” “yeb, I’b fibne. lobed ta concert” I was a mess. Allergy shots have worked wonders for me as well. I have a few minor moments, nothing like I used to, though. my favorite joke? Begins with my being allergic to carrots. A gal at my church still hates it when I say her carrot cake is “killer”. [carrots give me Anaphylaxis] It’s a “cross pollination” thing. So I have it “part time”. SEE? the economy is messing with everything. I can’t even get a full time allergy anymore. The REAL joke was years later. My Allergist: “you can try carrots again. Just make sure you have someone with you when you do.”
Me: “so…let me get this straight. I’m 36 years old, & I can’t have carrots without ‘adult supervision’?” If you hate something bad enough, there’s a joke in there somewhere. Thanks for making me laugh. Sorry your suffering, though. We could all buy stock in Kleenex. [it's the thought that counts. That's why I think a lot] - See more at: http://stuffchristianslike.net/2014/04/16/pretty-sure-devil-invented-allergies/#comment-197110
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Thank you note for gifts...

So my birthday is a week away. I thought I'd turn the tables on this. Seeing as I am different anyway.
[though first a random thought]
As I was tweeting about my day, I was listening, again, to How love wins & thought it a bit ironically perfect to be scrolling through photos of people in their #RunForIt5K shirts [from TWLOHA's Run for it 5K run today.] as I hear the words "...this is how love wins, every single time, climbing high upon a tree, where someone else should die, this is how love heals, the deepest part of you, letting himself bleed into, the middle of your wounds, this is what love says, standing at the door, you don't have to be, who you've been before, silenced by his voice, death can't speak again, this is how love wins..."
Instead of mentioning gifts that I would hope to get, this is a thank you note for all the gifts I have.
We are in the middle of the greatest love story ever. Tomorrow is Easter.
For it is written, & Jesus said: "behold, I am making all things new."[Revelations 21:5]
You know, if he's going to make all things new...... death is a REALLY good place to start. To me, tomorrow, Easter morning, is the beginning of this statement. I'm thankful for ALL Jesus has done for me. All that he has lived through with me. All the times he has kept me alive, even against my own will.
Jesus is who this series of thank you notes is to.

So I'll sign off for now.
Those of you who follow my postings here & twitter, facebook, pinterest, tumblr... a word for you all, who might worry. Starting this Thurs & going to Sun I may drop off & not say much if anything. Here is the why: Fri = grand canyon of Pa, Sat = Rickett's glen, Sun = Aunts & Uncles going to LW & then out to eat. So I'll be pretty busy, a nice kind of busy.
I'm jokingly calling Fri & Sat: "hike-apolooza".

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Friday, April 18, 2014

a feable attempt at Good Friday

It's Good Friday. I'm glad for today. ...and tomorrow, & Sunday. I'm glad it's three days. I'm glad that Jesus is no stranger to pain. No stranger...to abuse. Today...is when we...when I, remember just how loud Jesus says: "I love you."
This is when Jesus dips his finger into his own side...& gently grabs my arm, & writes with his finger, with his own blood: I love you. ...this is how bad he wants me. I think he's crazy. All this...& I'm the prize? Really? You sure about this? That this is what you want? I cannot put into words how I know His answer is yes. what it means. Tonight was cool. My Dad sometimes helps pass out the communion elements. He did tonight. And he handed them out to our section. So He handed them directly to me. the bread...the cup. The irony was not lost. My Heavenly Father gave me the actual elements: Jesus. Jesus body. His sacrifice for me. So we can live together forever. He gave me my Earthly Father, who gave me the symbols of this sacrifice. I am so very blessed. I have not one but two great Dads. [& the one gave me the other.]


To me, Jesus didn't go through abuse once. He had it done to himself once... but he was there when I was abused. He saw all of it. My abuser told me that no one could hear me [cry for help] & no one was coming to save me. He...was...WRONG. Someone was there.
I remember asking Jesus ...asking God, if he could see me. As I lay there, unable to move. Unable to escape. In my mind's eye I suddenly could see the ceiling disappear. It was replaced by a face. A sad face ...the size of the ceiling. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. I wasn't freed. I had someone to sit in that hell with me.
I remember asking Jesus... if this was what the cross felt like. Of course, it wasn't. I was lying down. I wasn't in front of a crowd of people. So no. Yet it was a beginning of me being able to realize that Jesus was no stranger to such evils. Jesus was a real guy. Not just he really existed. He understood how ugly life...people... can be. He wasn't scared of blood, of bruises, of pain. No one scares him. No one shuts him out... of anywhere.

I know that my relationship with Jesus is unique. I still cannot believe all that I have lived through. All the conversations I've had with him. Good... & soul crushing. Wanting out...wanting to die, to be "un-created"... wanting to understand. Wanting answers...& being afraid that the answers won't make me feel any better. Knowing... that he loves me, anyway. Knowing that nothing & no one can shut him out, away from me.

Jesus,
thank you.
for listening to my cries
for hearing my pleas for help
for sitting with me
when I was bruised
when I was bleeding
when I wanted to disappear
thank you
for going through
what I have been through
for being willing to:
"embrace the suck"
that can happen in life
thank you for being willing
to be my rescue
for listening to me
when what I said
was totally against
you
and your love
for me
thank you for winning
for me
for making me yours
there will never be
words
poems
songs
to tell you
what being loved
by you
means
thank you
for dying
so I can live
with you
thank you
for being you
and loving me

yours,
b.e. noll

How love wins

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Sunday, April 13, 2014

the week


 I had a tough week last week. I really fell apart. I had some lifelines made available. I got to go to something at LW. Quite a few years ago they started creating a Sacred Space. A place to slow down & experience God. To savor being still before Him, & with Him. I so needed it. My modem died, my mp3 player died, & my car's fan that circulates air inside the car is on the fritz. Beyond all this I simply fell apart. I haven't felt like that for so very long. One gal from the class I have been going to, made me nervous. I thought: "How am I going to tell her that sometimes touching me just isn't any shade of fun?" What I wasn't expecting is that I have been changing. She hugged me. She hugged me more last Wed. than she's hugged me in the whole nine weeks! Like every five minutes after class was over. She seemed to just know I was really ragged. Normally, well...the previous normal, I would have been very "unpleasant" to be around & especially to hug. I was ok with it, though. The second gal this year to do this & get this kind of reaction. Which is SO unlike me. It is nice to see change. Nerve wracking, yet kind of cool. Another gal saw me coming into the coffee bar [me on my way to The Well -what we call this Sacred Space these days]. I didn't acknowledge her at first. She was in a conversation & I didn't want to disrupt the flow of it. So I was totally unprepared for her to pause it & go "Hey B, loving the book." [or words to that effect]. I'm feeling like I shouldn't even be seen, & so I stop. And "I'm out". I got nothing. I never did handle compliments very well at all. So, I'm my usual awkward self. "uhh, cool. So...glad." I honestly don't know what I said, but it was painfully weird. She was trying to be nice & I just don't know what to do with it. Cause I'm in a bit of a dark place. A bit isolating & solitary. And frayed. Wishing/hoping she can't tell. [& afraid she's nowhere near that naive, or stupid. Briefly wishing she was.] So I move on, "man on a mission" style to The Well. And beginning to pray that no one else I know will be around me for the rest of the night. Why punish people? Though, my church family would never see it that way. I was in The Well for 2 hours. I've never spent as much time trying to pull myself away & calmly enter into it. Everything was just swirling. I just could not quiet my mind. As time lapsed I felt increased pressure. "I can't be here all night." I finally begin to quiet down & settle into my more open calmed rhythm that usually accompanies these things for me. And the knots begin to loosen. I'm still down. Still a bit "to myself", though, that's kind of the modus operandi of this space anyway. You & God. Mono et Mono.
Sat. I got to take a long walk. As you previously read I could use all the calming/centering help I could get. So the following poem came from that.  

I Can Exhale

Now

I can

Breathe again

I’m

Allowed

To be alive

To roam

In free

Clean air

I can walk

In

“The Wild Places”

and

I

Can exhale now

Enjoy

The wind

In the trees

The breeze

As it kisses

My face

See

My eyes

Can drink

In the deep, long

Colors

As spring

Returns

By b.e. noll

I feel more ready for what's next now. Enjoyed a 50th wedding anniversary surprise party for my Aunt & Uncle. So fun. I like surprise parties. As long as I'm not the guest of honor. Not really a fan of being the center of attention. Got to hang with my cousins.
And I dusted off a song from an old playlist. I have a list that is kind of personal songs to Him.
So I thought I'd place a few of the songs from there here...
Martika - Love... Thy Will Be Done
U2 - Hawkmoon 269
The Who - Bargan
Spock's Beard - Wind at My Back
TransAtlantic - Stranger in Your Soul
Paul McCartney - Follow Me
The Call - Uncovered
Kevin Max - You are [this song begins after the poem @ about 1:50 into the video]
ok... I want to post some photos & get off line for a bit.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

 
 
 
 


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

a color poem [the t-shirt poem]

Well, I'll say it briefly here as well. I feel like 2014 is the year of stretching me & moving me into things that fall squarely on the list of "never in a million years [at least not if I can help it]". I'm not only driving tomorrow, I'm driving a box truck. Not just to my usual stops, to 2 extra stops on top of it. I'm not really sure I want to know how this year is going to end. Seriously. I got to meet people this year that I think are way cool. And it's only April! Sounds like my birthday weekend will be packed. 2 hikes in as many days. [THIS I could get used to] At least if all things work out ok. Jamie posted on twitter about TWLOHA's colors. Since I had just got back from The Well [which was awesome. Not surprised that it was. I SO needed it.] @ LWCC. I took his post & rhymed my response. So here is the poem that grew out of that...
The Colors of Hope, the colors of conversation
[or the t-shirt poem]

Black & white & blue
The colors
Of me & you
Holding
Onto hope
Together
As we ride out
The storms
Wearing t-shirts
Using them
As keys
To unlock prisons
Ours
Others
Shirts
Who knew
The doors
They would open
The words
That were
locked behind them?
The breaking down
Of old little boxes
That people
Were never meant
To be put in
Phrases
To start a rebellion
With
The chance
To not be alone
To not feel alone
All starting
With a boy
[several]
A girl
A story
A shirt
And
Words of courage
Showing
As they say
And wear it
That
LOVE
IS THE MOVEMENT
RESCUE
IS POSSIBLE
The bleeding
Really can stop
That it is
Not only possible
But very worth it
To
Write
Love
On Her
Arms

By b.e. noll
[thx Jamie, & friends]

Hopefully I won't get out of work too late or get back too late for my class tonight.
Oh, & you can hear Jamie's interview from Relevant magazine @ 2pm today. Unless you will be "unavoidably detained" like me.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B