Thursday, September 10, 2015

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is....yourself. [do it anyway]

I haven't been online very much this week. 
It's been "a week". One of those oh-my-gosh-can-this-end-soon-please weeks. 
I often refer to them as: "Waiter, check please." times.
[you know, I'm ready to leave now. That feeling that makes you say: "it's not 'getting old''s no longer new enough. It's fossilized."]
I just need to make it through tomorrow.
With all of it's "your not fast enough" "you're not doing it right" "what IS your problem?"
I had something that happens to me from time to time. A "pull" if you will, to see a movie.
Not as an escape.... for a "deeper reason".
The movie this time was: INSURGENT.
I'm nervous to post a link to a clip from it. Wondering if someone involved with the film will be offended & have it pulled. I can't help it. ...for another thing. Today, World Suicide Prevention Day, seems like as good a day as any to post it. So I think I'm going to post it everywhere. 
It's an example of why I really like sci-fi. Because sci-fi & fantasy films can find a way to let us see things that don't happen in the physical/ visible world, in a visual way. 
I don't know if you've ever actually beat yourself up inside your imagination. ...I have. 
The clip I'm going to post shows what it might look like if you could see such a thing happen. 
I like the clip for how the clip ends. 

Ok, so... ready?
Here it is: Tris fights herself

....I still remember the cruelest thing I ever said about my negativity toward myself. 
In high school, in a peer counseling group I was in, we had a meeting. It was a horrible day. So I just kept wishing I could disappear off the face of the Earth. A fellow peer counselor was there. Joking with me. I would always have a snappy come back. Till she finally ran out of ammo. While she didn't mean what she said...[she was just frustrated at running out of witty things to say] I, unfortunately, meant my answer.
Her: "I hate you, B"
Me: "get to the back of the line, honey....I was here first."
I cannot adequately describe her look. 10 min later she came back to me. "Do you really feel that way?" The first of many questions. I just, slowly, got real with her about it. [my feelings, not any kind of why I had them] So it became "her question" to me whenever she saw me.  "Do you feel 'that way' today?" Along with ones like: "How can I help? What can I do to make you feel differently about yourself? Is there anything you do to feel differently about yourself?"
I've been blessed to have good friends..... family..... "brothers" & "sisters".....
I'm thankful for each & every one of them. 
I'm thankful for those who know my story. For those who don't. For those who know there IS a story....& each group doesn't care that there's a story. only matters that I'm still living it.

To Write Love On Her Arms has been giving out cards that begin with:
"let me count the ways" [in no order whatsoever]
1. a message I keep on my phone. It's from a friend I told my story to. He's telling me it was good to tell him, he's still my friend, & he's glad I got help. [he didn't think his message was all that great or helpful. I still have it & listen to it..... 10 yrs later.]
2. Another friend. Who keeps taking photo hikes with me. We love taking nature photos. I end up feeling like I'm 5 yrs old again. [& it feels good. it feels alive]
3. Long walks [hikes] & conversations with my Dad. His voice is an ocean of calm, in a sea of crazy.
4. being in nature alone with God. The one I've given every reason not to look at me or speak my name, let alone love me. There are no words for how he makes me feel.
5. TWLOHA who prove that there are people all over the world who want to see others live to see a lot of tomorrows. [I hope each of you who is a part of this organization is blessed so much you can't sit still]
6. Writing. Some of the most helpful screaming/ bleeding I have EVER done. The freedom to put the awful on paper. If for no other reason than to close the journal. Get up. And walk away from it.  [it's how I feel... not who I am.] 
Writing poems. To give others concrete proof that they aren't alone. [& i'm not either] To write encouragements to... us. [you & me]
7. drawing. because I can. 
8. music. [I could write a few books on this, easy] Cheep therapy. A way to remember how to feel. Remember THAT I feel. To express my feelings... to let them out. so I can move on. 
and, of course, someone else had to feel the way I feel in order for there to be a song about it. [hallelujah, praise God & pass the ammunition]
9. painting [thank you Infused Arts. for letting me try. And encouraging me when I felt totally stupid for trying. ....and then you hung it up in the coffee bar. they say I'm crazy]
10. A friend who.... what can I really say? [I know you'll read this, too] I'm not sure who's getting the better end of ..."us". I love that we a native tongue. That we can .....
[let's call it what it really is] I love us helping us keep going. You helping me helping you. Our emails, our talks, seem to heal us both. Only God could be so clever, eh?
11. singing solo [as in: by. my. self.]
12. Because who makes you laugh like me? no. seriously. Who else? That's right, nobody.
Someone has to do it. Someone has to be "this weird". ...ok, if I have to...[sigh. pretending it's hard.]

ok. Well... I should try to relax, unwind, & prepare for tomorrow. 
...I'm going to throw this out there. 
Since TWLOHA's slogan for today is: "We'll See You Tomorrow". 
Can I ask a favor? If you're on any social media, post a pic of yourself tomorrow. with: #'s of: WSPW15, TWLOHA, Tomorrow15.. maybe even: ImeantIt. thanks.
by the way, if you want, you can donate to them here
May His grace drip from your fingers,

In case the clip gets pulled from youtube, here it is from an email I sent to someone in the hopes of encouraging them. [oh, & I seem like I'm making fun of the plot. For all the parts you "see coming" there ARE some nice twists in the film]
Saw a good movie. A bit "sci-fi". Based on a book series.
The first film was: Divergent. It's a Dystopian future. People are divided by "factions". In a post-apocalyptic Chicago, survivors were divided into five factions based on their dispositions: Abnegation, for the selfless; Amity, for the peaceful; Candor, for the honest; Dauntless, for the brave; and Erudite, for the intellectual. Then... there are the ones who "must be eliminated". They are more than one or two factions. They are called, the divergent. They are being hunted. The second film is called: Insurgent. This is what I watched last night. As it progresses, The woman in charge of humanity "behind the wall" finds an ancient artifact. ...wait for it...wait for it..... only a divergent can open it. So... "the hunt is on" for "The One". Many divergents die trying to open it. Only the female lead can do it. [didn't see that coming, right?] "What percentage is she?"
[computer voice answers] "100% divergent"....
"of course it's you." So they put her in the simulation. She has to pass all of the cast/faction tests in order to open the box. [here's where it becomes worth me telling you all of this.]
She has Amity to pass. [her very last test before opening the box] So the test is an antagonist bent on making her fight to the death. Inside a simulation. [a computer generated world] At first she sees the woman in charge......
Jenine: "Back again are we? Your an even bigger fool than your Mother."
Tris: "Say whatever you want to me, Jenine, but I'm not going to fight you."
Jenine: "How very Amity of you."
Tris: "I mean it. ...not going to fight you." 
Jenine: "Of course your not. Your going to fight HER..... 
the one you REALLY hate." 
She stares across the room at..... herself. 
The "all too familiar negative self" with ALL of the negative self talk that goes with it.
Tris: [staring at a "copy" of herself] "What ARE you?"
Simulated Tris: "I'm you, Tris.... I'm the REAL you."
Real Tris: "I'm not going to fight you."
Sim Tris [hitting her]: "I'll MAKE YOU FIGHT ME!"
RT: "You're not me!"
ST: "I am. I'm what they see when they look at you......
You killed Will... & your parents. Your deadly.....
No one's gonna love you, Tris.
They're never even gonna miss you.
This world will be better off without you.
One less divergent, ruining everything....
and NO one...
will EVER, EVER forgive you for what you've done."
RT: "You're wrong....
[slowly opening her fists & lowering her hands]
...[almost breathing the words] cause...I.....
[whispering, slightly louder] cause, I will."
The False, simulated Tris, runs full on at Tris. When she hits the Real Tris..... she shatters into pieces.