Thursday, February 26, 2015

Bring Into The Light

I have so much to say...
I'm going to narrow this particular post down to a painting of mine. My wife has been loving my photos. Every so often she says to me: "You need to print out & have some of these framed. Then DeAnn [From LWCC] can hang them up in the coffee bar! I'm sure she'd do it, & be glad to display them." 
So... it was with that voice in my head that when the "call" went out to give art to an up coming display in the coffee bar, I said ok. I'd give one of my paintings. I'll step outside my comfort zone. 
then came time to get the wire put onto the back of it. I went to The Framers Workshop up near Vo-Tech. It's right about then that I thought: "B... what WERE you thinking? Have you COMPLETELY lost it?" I went in like I was robbing a bank. Fish out of water anyone? Self conscious much? Me? No. Why are you looking at me? Seriously, enough already. Take a picture, it lasts longer. Wait for the movie, k? So they kindly fixed that for me. It's ready to be dropped off. Then I dropped it off. While going back to pull the screws & hook off the wire I see a painting from a local artist I really dig. It hits me. No... Why is my little piece going on display when HE has something for this? This. is. weird.
So I nervously wait/ wonder what it'll be like to have something I did, called art, & hanging in the coffee bar with other works of art. I don't want to admit this, I freaked out a bit. So I keep going to the coffee bar every Wed. wondering what I'll feel when it's actually in there. then...
Tonight, I get an email: What's the title of your painting? ......[cue crickets] Title for a painting. title for MY painting.... I have been so nervous about even letting it hang on a public wall it never even occurred to me that I might want to give this thing a title. So now I feel stupid. -actually, I just feel bad for the gal. Had I thought of that I would have written it on the back of the painting. So she wouldn't have to waste time with me. Emailing, waiting for my sorry butt to reply. As I stared, blankly, at her email... I have to admit my first thought was: "B... don't EVER do this again. This whole wasting other people's time business. If you don't know what your doing, don't punish someone else for it." Well, I shook that off as best I could, & thought I'd give myself a small window of time to come to a title.
So after some google-ing  I came to "Bring Into The Light"
Well... because..... Because I felt put "on display" when I was abused. [among a great many other feelings] Which I detested. So I went the other way. I hid myself. Except for groups of people that I knew for quite a long time, I hid. In the back. In the shadows. I felt like I was not worthy of the company of others. Like my very presence would ruin whatever it was for them because they saw me there. Then, later on I'd go ...for lack of a simpler way to say this, I'd go Robin Williams on them. I'd become the life of the party. Or at least the most fun sober guy you knew. Lately, as I have been in the same group on Wed nights for years now, when we went to the cabin, I let my "fun self" out. Like really out. It felt good, yet I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want the joking side of myself to be another form of hiding. So as I thought of how I'm stepping out "into the world", I started thinking of titles for my painting to symbolize this "stepping in a new direction". This coming out into the open. Also, I think in the back of my mind I heard a voice mail message that a friend left me years ago. When, on a trip to Record & Tape Traders in Towson, Md., I told him & another friend about my abuse story. In his message [that I still replay every so often] he mentioned bringing out into the open,  into the light this darkness that had been hiding in my soul. Also, I've been thinking of To Write Love On Her Arms a lot lately. As the movie comes out Tues. They are always talking [& printing t-shirts] about being courageous with your story. How it's important to care for your story. To be bold with it. I must confess, I love it as long as I don't have to do it myself. Being able to do it kinda their point. 
So this painting is part of me bringing myself out into the open. Into the light. [thus the title] If doing this "means anything"... I don't know what. Just to save you asking me. 
So this is my long winded explanation of the title. 
I'm hoping to write a lot more on here in the coming days....

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Thursday, February 5, 2015

a selfie....sorta

[this is what my arms looked like earlier today.]
I don't know if you've ever had an allergy test. This is what "part 1" looks like for a person who has a lot of allergies. I don't do this much... "this" being: share about my health, share directly from my journal, etc.  However, today I thought I would.....

so.... I sit here, realizing I forgot a book to read. 
staring at my arms.
the numbers 1 to 43 written in crayola green marker. itchy...
wondering what the results will be. -& glad it's winter. 
go figure, I HATE drugs...& I'm STILL gonna have track marks for a couple of hours.
however... I'm upright & didn't scare them this time, improvement.
[after the nurse comes to check if I'm ok, & to see how my arms are doing]
I'm doing A LOT better... YEAH! wo-ho!
I able to eat carrots again!
and got to encourage a young boy as he got his first skin test.
and help his mom.

The last time I got a skin test, they had to give me a coke, & some cookies, & some pills to help me make it. I also had to sit down, in a big chair. I had severe allergies to so many things. I think the numbers went from 1 - 83. I had a reaction to all but all of them. It looked like a mountain range. [on both arms] 
I not only did well. There was one where I had no reaction. Which is great. 
They gave me my allergy shot afterward. After all that I'm doing pretty good. I was [& still slightly am] a bit hypersensitive to my personal space. Being poked, having several needle sticks, & having someone lightly touching me & measuring the reactive welts on my skin for quite a bit at one time really "filled my quotient" for a while. It can't be helped really. I needed to endure it to get the results. I just... I'm not in a touchy/ feely place right now.

Took the next step with my CDL Class B license test. I failed it. Though everyone was nice to me about it. Everyone but me, at first. So I kept telling myself: "No one else is flipping out about this. So... I'm disappointed, bothered, annoyed... AND -I'm over it now. I'll get it next time" Yesterday was the kind of day I like... when it's over. By the end of the day, I felt a micro similarity to the Navy SEAL saying: "the only easy day was yesterday."
Today was better. 

As for the title of this blog, those pictures were of my arms earlier today. That's what they looked like.  So it's a "selfie"...sorta.

May His grace drip from your fingers,