Monday, September 30, 2013


I had an interesting weekend. Up & down. Two conversations I really did not wish to have, swirling around a theme. I didn't back down from them. I didn't hide from them. I did squirm though. The nice thing was, after the first one, I saw the second one coming from a mile away. Sunday was a bit of a loner day. I needed to get alone for a while. Don't know how to describe the feeling. Maybe I just felt... corrosive. Maybe I just recharge better alone. So I did get to spend time with the story I'm writing. I got to put to paper a large chunk of the darkest part of it. Which does feel mighty good. Disgusting to look at, but it's written. So now I get to see where it takes me from here. Still the strangest thing I've ever written. The longest I've ever gone in a somewhat singular direction. Now that I think of it, it's like hiking on an unfamiliar path. I don't know how long the journey will be, since I've never been here before. I don't know what "vistas" I'll get to see. What views there will be. What pictures I'll take. [which might take the form of poems] I just know that nature is where I reset. I go there to recalibrate my soul. It's where I can re-find the quiet ocean of calm. To sit next to.
Well, I think I'll go for now. I feel the need to write some more. And for some reason I've got some "drawing thoughts" that float around a TWLOHA theme. So I think I'll explore them.
I'll leave you with one of a few bands that really grab me lately. This is the "official" music video for the title song from Gungor's latest effort: I am Mountain

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Saturday, September 28, 2013

a post, a poem, pictures, & a song

[deep breath] Well, where do I start? How 'bout the beginning. In the beginning God created... -oops. went back too far. So Thurs. night I decided to make pizza, on the grill. Not bad, not "Mildly Fantastic" or anything, but not bad. I'll have to play with it some more. I've had some down moments over the past few days. Thought I was immune? "Ya thought wrong, Dude." [imagine that said with a gravelly voice, it makes it funnier] I'm recovering from them. I'm not kicking them off the island, they can stay... I'll go. I don't mind, I like to travel. So I have been enjoying TWLOHA's "social presence". They posted a few days ago a video of a High School, most of the students it looks like, "lip dubbing" Katy Perry's Roar. Very well done. They commented "dare you to watch without smiling", I couldn't. So I'm linking to it. Don't smile alone, it's more fun to share. Had a fun morning today. Went to a very out of the way field to watch my niece play soccer. I'd say it was "miles from nowhere", but I think it was closer than that. [probably more accurate to say minutes from nowhere] Had fun, cheered Kenzie on. Then we went for pizza. I had to sit in the middle, according to two little voices. Yes, it's nice to be fought over a little. "Sit next to me Uncle Brian".

I'm getting a little bit more brave... or maybe I'm learning to "not care" in the right places.
[l-r: Kenzie, me, & Payton]


Of us
Easily said
I do
To our list of important
we had cake
we stood
up front
[not my favorite place to be]
we committed to each other
then we wondered
years later
about having ourselves committed
for committing
to this adventure
you think you know
that you can live with this person
which is good
that you probably can’t live without
this person
you find out
how selfish
you really are
how much junk you have been carrying
you get to see
[like it or not]
how that junk is poisonous
to this person
whom you love so much
you HAVE to find a way
to make it’s power
go away
you realize that this poison
has been infecting
every relationship
you’ve ever had
it’s time for the
to stand up & say
you are being written
out of the story
this island
I’m on
You can stay
I’m leaving
I’m voting myself off
Out of this prison
So make yourself at home here
Cause you’re

No longer welcome
In my story
by b.e. noll

Spock's Beard - Goodbye to Yesterday 
I love the line: "do you have your baggage, or do your bags have you?"

photos, top photo "sunset with a friend", taken by b.e. noll. photo of me & the girls taken by Mickey Noll.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

a fine day, & some musings [w/ a "revisit" to "The Healing Colors of Sound"]

 This was the sky that greeted me this morning as I drove down. [above] I did get "turned around" a bit. Around Rt. 1 near Harrington, DE. Otherwise I did better than I thought. Had such fun. I took about a thousand photos. Too bad they were taken with my eyes, so I can't post them. Oh well, it's the thought that counts. That's why I think a lot. I so had to laugh at myself. Imagining how long the trip would have taken if I had stopped every time I wanted to take a photo. It's so nice to be able to laugh at yourself, with yourself. [can I say that? -too late]

Then I went to group tonight & took some photos with a friend. to "bookend" the day.
I am so thankful for art. It is such a healing force. Below is a photo of the sky here tonight....

Twloha has a post on their website: "The Healing Power of Art". nice post.
I guess this would be my comment to it:

music was the first art I just could not get enough of. To borrow a bit from my mother, I listen to music because I'm mad, sad, or glad. And I'm usually one of those. Saw a frame once with this in it: "music is what feelings sound like". Music can be "painting with sound". It's helped me get my sadness out side of me, so I can move away from it before it swallows me whole. As I've dealt with the darker chapters of my story, I've learned to journal, which gave way to writing poems. Some of my writing is so much "venting". The cool thing is once it's on paper I can close the book & walk away from it & live [like Renee tweeted: You are more than your story]. Now I have recently begun writing my story out. It's very rough [not to mention graphic]. In it's current form it's redemptive to write it out of me. However, probably not sufficiently redemptive to read. Yet as I write it an odd thing seems to be happening... I'm writing myself out of a prison I never knew I was in.
And then there is photography.  Which makes me feel "alive in the moment". I've begun this strange habit of laughing while I'm in the middle of a good photo day. It seemed so strange that once I just blurted out: "God, this is so stupid". Then I felt like He whispered: "yeah, isn't it great?". I laughed today, at the fact I couldn't just pull over & take photos for about an hour.
Thanks for the post.

As I was listening to my mp3 player today on shuffle this song came on: The Book of My Life by Sting. It seems appropriate for my story writing. 
ok. So another fun/funny thing was as I looked at the sunrise I got this poem formulating inside. It bugged me all day till I got to church tonight. I just sat there & wrote it out furiously. You should see it in my journal, quite funny to look at my scribble.

"A Morning so fine"
the sun crawls up the back of mountains 
the clouds
stretch out their arms to play
with the first rays of sunlight 
that leap over the mountains
then oranges 
sliding in underneath
taking it's turn
I sit enjoying them all
drinking in another sunrise
another original artistic peice
like thousands before it
and thousands 
that are yet to be
by b.e. noll

have fun. be creative. laugh [they'll wonder what you know that they don't].

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Meaning of Loneliness [maybe sort of]

Do you hate to be alone? I used to. I couldn't stand it. I had to find a way to get friends to do things with me. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy getting friends together. Oh... the stories. I can still see the strange looks when we walked into Pizza Hut. The waiter seated us. "Can I take your order?" "um... actually we already ordered. Can we eat it here instead?" "ah...sure." We waited to laugh till he walked away. We didn't have the nerve to tell him we ordered from their pay phone. Left to see if we could hang at a friend's house [who wasn't home]. Then came back. Ever sit in a Pizza Hut & eat it out of the take out box? "Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt". Unique, that's us. Look at it this way, you won't hear stories like this anywhere else! Guts or stupidity... YOU decide. [no comments from the peanut gallery! You know who you are -& I do too]
Where was I? Ah yes, Loneliness. It bothered me for a long time. One summer, that was especially black & cruel, After I survived the cell I put myself in. I came to the beginning of an enjoyment of loneliness. A longing for it. It's been said:
"Take time for quiet moments. For God whispers, & the world is loud."
That's what seemed to happen to me. No music, no cell phone....sometimes no notebook or camera. Just me, myself, & Him. I learned something I never would have imagined. God actually wants to be with me. Wild huh? That was the death of "fear of being alone". Now I need some of it. So we can hang out together. It never goes "as planned", usually because I'm the planning committee.

Meaning of Loneliness - Van Morrison
How to be Alone by Tanya Davis. 

It can be very helpful to be alone. I'll get a unique chance on Wed. My Uncle works for the same people I do. Only he lives & works in Delaware. I will take a delivery to him. I leave York early morning on Wed. & [hopefully] be back about 3 - 4pm. 8 to 9 hours of solitude. Me, myself, & Him. Oh, & of course, my tunes. My mp3 player, which is affectionately known as "B's band in a box". Coldplay to King Crimson, Neal Morse to Jack Johnson, Galactic Cowboys to Adele, with some Weird Al, Queen, Rush, Gungor, U2, etc. thrown in for good measure. It's going to be a nice "open road" day. Looking forward to it.

I posted a link
to a "music only" trailer for Day One quite a few posts ago.
Here is a trailer "with dialogue"
Day One [formerly called "Renee"]
[yeah, as we used to say: "shameless plug # 487.2"]

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Saturday, September 21, 2013

sharing an email [sort of]

I've felt this urge to send an email to a friend. So I did today. Kind of raw, close to the bone. This is a "friend on a short list". A list of people who know a decent "chunk" of my story. I shared... well, I tried to anyway. I tried to put into words what it was like from my end. How hard it was to share it with him. As I think of it, it doesn't really matter what you've been through. What your "headline" is. Abuse, neglect, mental illness, something you did on purpose, something someone did to you... sharing the deepest wounds of our life is a tough decision to make. You can't really know how it will be received. You assume the worst. You assume that once you get done telling them, if they even wait for you to finish, that they will be leaving. Never to return, or be seen by you again. You imagine them going home to take a long shower to wash off what you've said. To scrub it out of their brain. That your relationship with them is now over.
So, if you figure this is how it will go... what possesses you to tell them anyway? ...dumb luck? ...haven't done anything stupid in a few days? Nope. Something in you [some one?] starts this gnawing, this inescapable thought that [lets see if I can say this right]. I think I'll just copy & paste it. I just don't know if I can say it better than I did here:[from email]

 "...You have to work up the nerve. You come to this strange, hard to describe, place. Something in you tells you that ...they are valuable enough to take the risk. They just might be strong enough to survive being told. and maybe, just maybe, they will still be in the relationship they have with you. So you tell them... & you pray a lot first! Sadly, you never get around to telling them what it meant to be able to tell them about you. Not to mention the indescribable relief if they actually still stay your friend.[in the relationship they have with you]
And those of us who do this, don't often realize that those friends... have always loved us that much. We couldn't feel it because as long as the secret lay between us, we could always excuse the love we got. The inner critic in us just says: "Of course they love you. They don't really know you, but if they knew the real you they would drop you like a bad habit."
Once they know, we can tell this voice that it's a liar.
Yet we never tell our friends this.
So I'm telling you. Thanks..."

I guess if you're one of those who know at least some of my story, this post is for you. I think, in all honesty, I told Mick much of this post. Yet I never considered, it never occurred to me, to say it to others.

So, perhaps you have some really dark parts of your own story. Maybe you've never told anyone. Hopefully this will give you hope to share it with someone who you experience life with on a daily basis. Someone you get that gnawing inside to tell.

Maybe you've told someone, & you had a similar experience as me. Meaning the person didn't leave. Maybe it's time to tell them what it meant. [you can borrow this if it helps]

Perhaps you were the friend. The someone who got to sit there, & listen as a friend tells you the anguish of their soul. As your friend told you of the broken places in them. Letting you see the shame they feel covered with. You have no idea how liberating it was for your friend. What you probably mean to them now. One of my friends left me a voice mail of encouragement after I told him. He didn't think he could say anything that would really help me or touch me. As I type this I still hear his voice, he ended his message with: "I'm just a guitar player. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about." It's still in my phone, time stamped something like 2007. So much for not knowing what to say...
Anyway, thanks for listening. Hope this is hopeful, & not draining of hope.

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Thursday, September 19, 2013

[sort of a "pt 2"] sort of an explaination, maybe

Please do not ask why I posted a prayer as my previous post. I don't know either. I guess I'm just kind of dealing with "emotional channel surfing". I feel ...a lot lately. Good, great, "mildly fantastic" as we used to say long ago. I also, have memories wash over me. Some want to drown me... they just can't lately. Oh, they threaten, they roar... & I remember when they could swallow me whole for days. I mention about a "wall of grace", about the loss of children...if you wish to read about it, to learn why I sign my emails & sometimes here: "May His grace drip from your Fingers", you can read the post here:  [for L.L.] Grace found me anyway.
As I sit here writing, listening to "I need you here" by Plumb. I can think back to those days. I'm feverishly praying for these friends of mine. Each with their struggle. Many, oddly enough, bringing my own life to mind. This is very strange to me. 
For now, I'm going to cut this short. 
I've posted a bit about self-injury. Here is a great book on the subject, if you happen to wonder about it, or otherwise want to read about it.
 It's called "Inside a Cutter's mind" by Jerusha Clarke w Dr. Earl Henslin.
When my sister-in-law lost twins, I went to a dear friend I've known a long time, who happens to own Hearts & Minds bookstore in Dallastown, PA. Suggested the book pictured below. [actually, if memory serves, he recommended both books to me]
 Called: "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. This book is his journey through the grief of a car accident that claimed the life of his Mother, Wife, & daughter. It is a wonderful book. I've given it away now to about 3 people. So this is my fourth copy, pictured. 

I should sign off & decompress.
I'll leave you with another version of "I want You Here" in which Plumb explains the writing of the song in detail [first 5 minutes of video]. I'm glad for artists like her, who are willing to write about stuff that some can't or don't want to.

take care,
know you are loved,
know that whenever your gone you are missed,
May His grace drip from your fingers,


I really do not understand you. I know this shocks neither of us. These days I sit & write my own story, just to stare at as much of it as I can at a time. To find a healthy way to cut somethings out of me. So I use pen, & paper. As I do this, as I find relief...
It seems that many around me are suffering. One with depression. One with childhood sexual abuse, as if that were not enough, she self-injures. One is dealing with the end of a marriage. One who's lost a child. And with this last one, Jesu, I am swept back to the wall of grace, when I walked into that sad hospital wing. When my life, gained a memory of words in your book: "The peace that passes all understanding." To sitting in my living room, with Mare, as I got to say what Mom always said: "cry, honey, just cry & let it out. let go & let it out. It's ok." as Mare & I held each other & cried. Thank you that you know how to give a great eloquent speech, without ever saying a word. Thank you that while you may not wave a magic wand, & fix every broken thing in my life, just because I ask you to... you show up. And you stay. Like no one else I've ever known, you know how to fill a room, with just you. Thank you that I can be as painfully, & brutally honest as my mind, heart, & lips can stand. It doesn't phase you. You get it. You get me. I could write about you forever.
Please be with these friends. In their various stages of struggle. Their very personal "dark night of the soul". Bring them to a deeper place with you. May Your presence, & your word, "be a light unto them in dark places, when all other lights ...go out." Please hold them tonight, please heal them tonight. Would you please create for them, what you have for me in my similarly dark moments.
Thank you that as long as there is you, Yahweh, when our hearts break... they do not make a noise, because you hear them.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

an interesting day

Well, I made it through yesterday fairly well. However, I spaced on Sunday. I usually try to eat at fairly regular times. This is "just healthy", to an extent. If you quit eating 2 hrs before you go to sleep it's healthier for you. It's also a digestive problem I have. I don't really fast using food. Most of a day without food isn't really that noticeable for me. At least, not at first. I can't really say when I started eating more regularly. Three squares a day. What I vividly remember was helping out at church. We started the "gig" at 1pm & it lasted till about 5pm. The suggestion to grab a bite was made. I was totally agreeable. We went to Giant, since we all wanted different food. I got a whole chicken, bag of chips, & a soda. I ate half the bag of chips, drank down to the top of the soda label, & ate the chicken. Yes, the whole chicken. By the time I was done, it had become a spectator sport. Without my knowledge [or consent]. "Um... what's up?" I ask. "I can't believe you are so skinny & yet you ate an entire chicken in one sitting." "Metabolism is my friend." I replied. Then there was the "that can't be good for you" -what is? This was the topic for a few minutes until I told them something that made them get a bit more worried. "Well, I haven't eaten much all day." So they asked me what else I ate that day. Which brought up the fact that this was the first meal I had all day, at 5:30pm. So the prerequisite, "Why didn't you eat before?". I irritatedly answer: "I was busy."
I guess I should say that talking about myself has a shelf life. I usually measure it in 20 minute intervals... like 20 minutes per day at the very most. Though my least favorite thing to do is talk about how I'm "different" than everyone else. My toleration of this can be measured in nano seconds. [that would be ninth's of a second, for the uninitiated] I am getting better at this with some people, however, it "in no way" changes my feelings about the idea. Aka: "not a fan".

I realized that my mood can be effected by my eating habits. So the days of eating one rather large meal a day are long over. I also realized that part of the reason I ate this way was my thoughts about myself. Most of which were along the lines of my value, or lack there of. Which was going on for a long time, longer than I think I'd like to put in print here. I am far removed from these thoughts now. At least on the regular "day in day out" of my life. Yeah, they can sneak back if I'm not on my guard, which I try to stay firmly on.

Sunday brought all this back to my mind. I didn't eat supper till about 7:30 or so. When I did, I had fries & funnel cake. Then ate a sandwich at about 8 - 8:30. So Monday rolls around & I feel horrid. Partly physically, & partly "now you know better". This isn't the first time I've had this. I ended up calling off work, which I loath. It was easier, since I can text the person. When I don't feel well, the first thing that happens is I don't want to be around people. I just want to crawl in a hole till I feel better. I can stand my wife being around, however she's the extent of the people I want to see. So Monday was a watch the beginning of a dvd, wake up for the end, kind of day. In the middle "Z offerings to the Almighty". As the day wore on, my stomach settled & I returned to normal. The strange thing was that each meal, yesterday, was like a mini mental celebration. Not just because I could eat it without feeling sick. It seemed like I was... I don't know, celebrating that for the most part, I really try to take care of myself now. On more levels than just eating. Like I was saying with each meal, reaffirming, that I am valuable enough to take care of. Which felt good. Maybe I'm reacting this way because I have begun writing a story. Well, trying to. I don't know if I'll share this writing. I believe it's redemptive for me. I'm not sure, however, if it would be so for anyone else.

Take care,
choose to live,
May His grace drip from your fingers,

Saturday, September 14, 2013

National Suicide Prevention Week

So... as the last day of National Suicide Prevention Week is expiring... They [twloha] asked people to write: "Why can't you be replaced?". I don't know if I'm the one to answer this question. I guess a quick answer is God doesn't really get into copies of people [or stories, for that matter]. He makes us all unique. Which, ironically, is something we all have in common. why can't I be replaced.... because no one looks at the world the way I do. No one jokes the way I do. No one tries to give hopefulness away like I do. No one will love Mick [my wife] the way I do. No one loves God quite the same way I do. I look through a camera lens in my own unique way. I write in my own unique way. Who will be "Uncle Brian"... if I don't? Who will be a brother-in-law if I don't? will my story be redeemed... if I end it?
We can't replace people..... we break, we loose apart of ourselves. our wound heals after loosing them, but we can always touch the scar. #NSPW13

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Friday, September 13, 2013


So I have a thousand things running through my head. Not one of them is in the lead.
I'm thinking of how we [myself especially] hate to really share ourselves with people. To share the good, the bad, the ugly. Yet it is when we share the things we think will make people run away from us...only to find they don't move, that we really feel loved by them. Only then can we realize that we cannot force love from someone to us. We can only share ourselves, & pray they don't slam our heart onto the ground just to see what kind of splatter pattern it makes. Thing is when we share, & people stay with us, we can silence the "inner liar voice" that tells us "if they knew the real you, they would drop you like a bad habit".

Jamie Tworkowski in a post has asked three questions:
What do you love?
[not a complete list, nor in any real order]
God, that God loves to be with me, that God is an artist, that I can feel his pleasure when I take photos & can laugh with him while doing so. That God loves to redeem stories.
family. [wife, parents, "the Noll clan", sisters, nieces -I never thought being called "Uncle brian" would sound so cool, LWCC/growth group family]
friends [you know who you r. and our own wacky language: "that stinks out loud; they may have my stereo, but I have their brick; If I'm going to 'red' out the closet, do I need paint?; I are a college student; misunderstand me right the first time; let's put procrastination off till tomorrow; don't look at me in that tone of voice...]
the therapy/release/head-clearing ability to write [which some call poems]
What would you die for?
the people listed above,
What will you live for?
the chance to see life stories redeemed, people healed/healing, the chance for God to use me [even if I don't know He's doing it]

I'm becoming a fan of true stories, stories of hope, stories of redemption.
I've enjoyed:
The Soloist
Soul Surfer
The Vow
I saw another trailer for Day One. Hoping they soon get someone to put this out in theaters.
If I was asked to add anything about this film...
[these would be my ideas]
It's been said that a journey of a million miles begins with a single step.
Change begins when we wake up & decide not to stay "here".
Every new beginning has that defining moment.
Based on a true story
that's hard to believe
and impossible to resist
Welcome to a story
of one of those moments
one of those journeys
Day One

Peace, rest, laughter, & joy

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


It's 9.11
I remember a great many things. When asked on Facebook, where I was...
I was weeding, out back of the house. My wife, Mick, came out & said: "you need to come inside & see this, you won't believe it". "what's going on?" I asked. "Someone flew a plane into the World Trade Center". It never occurred to me to even think it was on purpose. As I sat there & just stared... waiting to hear some announcer tell me this was a new movie coming out... I just couldn't believe that as I watched the smoke rise it just kept saying "live" in the corner of the screen. Then, I saw the other plane fly in... & make contact. Then watching in horror as the towers fell. Then, of course, there are the "why would someone do this?" Know what, I don't ever want to understand why someone would just kill people because they are in a populated area. Major building, mall, church, school, movie theater... to "go after" someone who hurt you I get, not the best idea anyway -but at least I get that. I don't get this. I'm thankful for those who rushed in to help.
It was hard to visit New York City. Even though it was years later. When you go to ground zero, the city whispers... & the whispering itself hurts. There is a reverent quiet there. The people seem to become...gentler.
On the late news the evening of 9.11, I saw a woman who was wondering away from the cloud of ash. She just said, mournfully, "where is God?" Somehow I knee jerkedly thought, "Honey, your the one who just got here. God's been here, in this day, for centuries. And, at least you get to leave this day. Since God is everywhere He never leaves...He is still in every single day." We teach children that God is everywhere. Tibet, Hong Kong, L.A.,... That's half right. God is everywhere. Which also means that He is...standing on a ship that He "can't sink" looking at an ice burg headed straight for them. While He's standing near what would have seemed weird to us then, as a pair of brothers finally did what birds do, fly. Standing in Auschwitz... Still standing, in a building...looking out a window, at a plane that is headed straight for him. at the very same time, standing a few years later, in a room watching as quiet men in dark combat B.D.U.'s sneak in & kill the man responsible. Allowing a helicopter to be the only other casualty of the event.
I'm sorry it took this to bring out the "family" in this country. Once the events of 9.11 happened. We seemed to close ranks.
I'm glad we seem to be more able to appreciate/be aware of our military.
Yet even as I write this, & think of those I know who have served &/or are serving our country. I cannot help but think... I want more than a salute to them, a thank you & a free meal once in a while. If these folks, so many of whom I'll never know, are gonna risk their life for me... I want to live, in such a way as to at least make it seem worth it.
Which brings me back to God... to Jesus. If he went through all that... I'd at least like him to think that it was worth it, that it wasn't a waste.
One of my favorite Bible verses is in Revelations...
21-27 The main street of the City was pure gold, translucent as glass. But there was no sign of a Temple, for the Lord God—the Sovereign-Strong—and the Lamb are the Temple. The City doesn’t need sun or moon for light. God’s Glory is its light, the Lamb its lamp! The nations will walk in its light and earth’s kings bring in their splendor. Its gates will never be shut by day, and there won’t be any night.

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.
As I read that last line in Rev. 22:2 I just keep thinking... that tree... must really have an awful lot of leaves... sadly, we'll need every one.

I'd like to say more... usually there seems to be an ocean of words.... I think I just ran aground. 

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Tuesday, September 10, 2013


Well... today is World Suicide Prevention Day. To Write Love on Her Arms has been posting of this. They will all week. They began by trying to help one girl realize that in spite of what has happened to her, she is valuable. Now they are trying to tell everyone that their story matters. My story... your story... our stories. It dove tails with the way my Mother is about all people. Every person matters.
Some things try to rob us, rape us [if I may use strong language] of our value. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional... abandonment. "If this can happen to me", we think, "than it must mean I have no value". WRONG. What happens to us does not define us. It is not "our story" in, or of itself. Part of our story yes, not the theme though.
As I have shared with a few people about the "darker pages" of my own story. If these pages were not there... would I be the me you know? Probably not. Does that mean I like those pages? definitely not. I keep going back... to all the times I've heard people tell their own stories, the sad, heart wrenching ones. They cry as they tell them, we we hear them. However, we cheer when we see the redemption of their story. When we remember that they are somebody. You have no idea how many talented, beautiful people I know who have at one point or another, contemplated suicide. Or actually tried to go through with it. Don't let darkness... be the end of your not let it win. Rebel against it. Live. forgive my bluntness... the only person not worth anything is the person God didn't make. Let me know if you find one...42 years, I haven't found one yet. I've been a good many places.
A good clip from Person of Interest.

it seems
the only thing to do
is end the story
when you hate being the main character
we don't like to watch stories
that just have sadness in them
we love stories
in spite of the darkness in them
the main character
rises up
to face
the scary plot
we believe
that if they
can over come
we might too
what if
those characters?
in spite of
perhaps because of
those darknesses
we stood our ground
what if we
bring the flashlights
what if our story
can be the courage
for someone else
to face down their own hell
& leave it
only to turn around
share it
in the right moment
with the right person
to inspire them
to do the same
b.e. noll

truthfully, I myself have wasted far too many days of my life wanting to die. Seems strange to write that now, it's like looking for a stranger with my face. Stranger still, before my worst bouts of it, I thought I might die at the hands of another. And I had the audacity to fight back. Even though he had already shot me. What a strange tale my story is.... now I know someone I desperately want to help get "away from the edge". This person is why I share what I do. Hoping against all hope, that God may use my story yet. I pray, I pray my but off. And I wait...I wait for their story to resolve. I will not stop, until it does.
May His grace drip from your fingers,

Monday, September 9, 2013

I don't really know how to title this so I won't

Had a nice weekend. Me & my gal. mostly just hung out, attached at the hip for most of the days. We just don't always do that. Talked... I think we're going to have to "play this game again"...sooner this time. Watched my niece play soccer, Sat. Which was fun. Made a homemade pizza, & experimented with it, which makes me feel like a kid again.
My friends are certainly "not out of the woods", however, I did get a brief bit of encouraging news "on that front". Which pleases me.

You Give Me Courage
there are still a few moments
when I want to dissapear
not be seen
there are still times
when the voice
isn't you
couldn't be you

don't talk like that
you give me strength
you still stand
with me
you came
into the hell
& darkness because
you've alreadybeen there
nothing scares you
scare everything
with your
inexhaustible power
you are my courage
go with me
where you go
it is not dark
if you stand with me
are all who stand against.
by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Friday, September 6, 2013

just before a pause

I've posted a lot this week. However, I'll be trying not to post for the next several days. [F - Sun.] Sat. is our anniversary. I've been married 17 years. Truthfully, there were times I wasn't sure we'd survive the day we were in. This wouldn't be quite so sad, if it weren't for my parents. 43 yrs, & they act like they got married last Sat. Turns out what Mom has written in an old Bible is true: "knowing what to do must be translated into doing what you know." Liking me as a blogger & living with me are completely different animals. -I'm just sayin'. Though I'm sure I'm not even close to the only one.
Anyway, since this will be it for a few days. I wasn't sure what to put here.
so lets try a bit of everything.
[everything, almost]
For Mick. I know "us" hasn't been easy...
Kevin Max - On & On "...take me to your drawbridge, come take me to your door, take me when I'm hungry baby, take me when I'm poor, take me when I'm sick of love, take me when you've had enough, take me when I'm lost alone & don't know the reasons why..."
Over the Rhine - Born "...put your elbows on the table, I will listen long as I am able, there's nowhere I'd rather be....whatever you got, I don't mind...we've seen the landfill rainbow, we've seen the junkyard love, baby it's no place, for you 'n me..."
I love the story of how the album this is from came into being. Sad it had to go that way, love the results. behind the album drunkard's prayer,  Recorded in their living room, the whole disc is very "close to the bone". Written after the husband & wife "nucleus" of the band almost divorced. The story in the liner notes is as valuable as the songs. Thanks Linford & Karen.
Another jem from the disc. Might not seem that great for a post near your anniversary. Too bad... Over the Rhine - Little Did I Know. The ones you love, the ones who love you... are the easiest to hurt. Just remember, love isn't's pretty necessary. To borrow from the pilot episode of Person of Interest: [Finch to Reese] "Told you I'd tell you the truth....didn't say you'd like it."
I want to end with hope. I was really struck by the story To Write Love on Her Arms. I loved that this girl, in all of her pain, when asked "what would you say if your story had an audience?" Renee:" I would tell them to look up, to remember the stars. The stars are always there, but we loose them sometimes, in the dirt & the clouds. remember hope, we have hope."
so here are some songs that seemed to give me some hope. Some recent, some for years...
I hope you dance Lee Ann Womack
Wasted - Carrie Underwood 
Krystal Meyers - Beauty of Grace
Gungor - Beautiful things Please be my strength
U2 - Moment of Surrender
Leeland - Carried to the Table

why does this seem
like such a joke
like it's on an island
we can barely see
and never reach
when you get some
it can be such a huge thing
"game changer"
doesn't seem to cover it
nothing else seems
to either
it seems flimsy
till you have some
then suddenly
it can be a lion
ready to bite your head off
you look at things that made you wither
and laugh at them
feels stupid
and you don't care
no matter how dark the night
if you can reach the dawn
you just
make it
there is
after all...
b.e. noll

thank you
for not being afraid of brokenness
not being afraid of darkness
for wanting to be a part
of all of my life
the good & the bad
thank you that I can say
with Michael Been
"I ain't gonna pray for you to love me
because I know you will
I just know it"
I know you do
thanks for your ruthless love
thanks for grace
like an untamed river
washing over everything
thank you
that while I "don't have all the time in the world"
you still do
while I don't have all the answers
I still have you
while I'm no hero
you will save me
mostly from myself
thanks for being you
and loving me

the trumpet child
Drunkard's prayer
Kiss Your Feet - delirious?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Well...I haven't posted photos for a while.

I always like the way the rays of the sun seep through the clouds. You get that pillars of light effect. This seems to reflect my mood quite a bit, lately.

My sister-in-law, "Mare" grew this [I think]. She has a green thumb. She seems to grow anything. It was among a bouquet of flowers she brought to older sister Mel's b-day party.

while on vacation 2 weekends ago I took some photos as the sun crested the mountain @ the start of the day. Pulling back the curtain of night. I was enjoying the artifacts I could get on the lens [the little yellow dot just bellow your 3 o'clock on the pic].

Every time we go to the campground I see this pull off on a mountain top. I keep saying: "we should stop there sometime." Sometime turned out to be the way home that Sunday. Sometimes I think it would be nice if I could pull back on my life & get this view of it. More of a "big picture" view. I think it would make me feel better [but, I've been wrong before...].

Just felt like mixing it up a bit.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

some more poems

I've been writing poems a lot lately. Still feeling both good & bad. Not bad enough... to be swallowed by it, thankfully.

A Part, but not the Whole
I want to help
not hurt
to be a part
without pretending
to be the whole
to adie
the true rescuer
without pretending
I'm Him.

Waiting on Redemption
I sit here
I might as well be
on another planet
I want to fix you
-what a joke
a flawed person
trying to fix
so much easier
to tell someone else
than to stare
into a mirror
and fix
the guy who stares back @ me
begging you
to help us
yet I sit here
with my
fragile little faith
that as I
for friends
[& mostly more often than that]
I wait
for you to
redeem their stories
I know you can
I believe you will

please help
every word
from facebook
to email
to spoken
be [for them at least]
"sufficiently redemptive"
I cannot really help
[you can use my feeble attempts]
I don't really know what it's like
for them to go through this
[I only know my experiences & what worked for me]
some titles to chapters we may share
because you are there
so let your
presence be felt
strengthen all
those who walk
daily with them
so that one day
all of us can see
this as part of
a redemption story
your redemption story
where we'll all say
that you "showed up"
we know
we were there
we saw it happen
[...and it was good]

A Memory of Ghosts
as I listen back
look back
over my life...
over dark chapters
I now experience
glad memories
of fading ghosts
of darkness
it isn't all fixed
it isn't gone
is rising in it
like the first rays
of a new dawn
& it was worth
the clawing
& the climb
to get here
as long
as I can
if you can use it]

all poems b.e. noll

[it's gonna be tough to sleep. -in a good way...
Switchfoot - Dare you to move
for me this can only be sung to one person: Robert Randolph - Born again]
be safe.
keep moving forward...

Monday, September 2, 2013

a good day

Today was great. I didn't get half way through the list. You know, that ragged old "to do" list. [or perhaps more accurately: "to have gotten done a long time ago & what am I waiting on" list] #3[of 9,847,368.2]. It'll wait on me.
Took a walk. Over the last 3 to 4 days I've been writing again. So here are a few poems.
enjoy, pray, be healthy.

Doesn't matter
it doesn't matter
where you've been
what "hole you crawled out of"
[or are trying to]
if you came from money
or never had much
whether your life story
is G rated
or R...or X
has it's claws in you
whether you gave yourself to sex
or were dragged kicking & screaming
harm yourself
[& what that means/ how that helps]
whether you know your parents
& wish you didn't
or never met them
& wish you did

it's not where you've been
it's not what you've seen
it's where your going
& who's taking you there
that counts

Out Live
life can
really knock you down
it's done well
in this me

thought I was down
for the count
and some days
I really wanted to be

I just can't stop
getting up
and trying again

but one day
one fine day
I will....

I will out live
I will out live
I will out live
I will out live
I will out live
I will out live
I will out live
I will out live
color & skin

some day
some how
I will die
...only once
[but I will live

all poems b.e. noll

" can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug, you can be the outcast, be the backlash, of somebody's lack of love, or you could start speaking up...... maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live, maybe one of these days you could let the light in, show me, how big your brave is..."
       -Sarah Bereilles, Brave, from: The Beautiful Unrest

I want to email a few friends, almost a vein attempt to be their help.
Perhaps it would be better to write here. So they can read it without me feeling so pushy. Also, this way if they can't write back I won't care. So [deep breath], I may seem a little darker at times here, for a "spell". I'm in a good place though. I've been asking people I know to pray for them. And many have said they would pray for me as I try to be there for them, somehow. I want them to not feel alone. some topics I share here may be foreign to some of you, & that's ok. Please bear with me as I try to be a bit braver here.

"...You should know
you're not on your own
These secrets
are walls
keep us
I don't know when
but I know now
we'll make it
through somehow..."
-from courage by Superchick [just a heads up, this song is written about anorexia]

a few songs about self injury. For a gal who does...& the people who love her. [of which I am one]
Plumb - Cut       [cnn interview with Plumb]
a great book I have read on the subject is Inside a Cutter's Mind by Jerusha Clark & Earl R. Henslin

Between The Trees -  A Time for Yohe
The Way She Feels
Where I first saw the link to To Write Love On Her Arms. First time I saw this video it ended with these words after the screen went blank:
Stop the Bleeding.
Rescue is possible.
Love is the movement.
write love 
on her 

2 last links on this...
I REALLY hope this at least comes out on DVD. I keep hearing old news on it, Sounds like it might be finished, yet I'm not sure. So here's hoping it sees the light of day.
Day One [formerly called Renee] staring Chad Michael Murry & Kat Dennings as Jamie Tworkowski & Renee Yohe respectively.
Renee Yohe in her own words. [& from nbc nightly news]

I'm going to end this with just a few songs to God. You probably won't hear them in a church. I listened to them during a dark summer...a long time ago.
The Call - You Were There
Michael Roe - Hold Dearly to Me, I need God 
[this is the link I could find you can hear the songs by pressing play before the title]
[& a song I listened to today on the way to church]
David Crowder Band - How He Loves

...yeah it's late, so poems will come later...
so... I sit
& pray...
and wait
for another story to be redeemed
please hold them tonight
give rest to their bones
deep rest
drown them in your love
surround them
with your peace
guide them
into the story
you have for them.
help them
this Jordan
and thank you for an army of prayers
from people they don't know
[but will one day
on this side of the door
or the other]