Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The ENT [a longer explaination]

I went, disc in hand, to see the ENT. [The disc had my Head CT's on it.] It was a bit weird, as well as extremely wild, to watch my doctor use a laptop to scroll though [starting at my face & scrolling -strolling?- through to the back of my skull]. For the squeamish, it wasn't in color. It was an x-ray, black & white. Black is what we were hoping for. Showing unblocked sinuses. My right side is totally solid, save for the sinus above/ behind my eyebrow. My right eye seems to tear up periodically. I assume it is because of this, as well as because of my allergies. Which add to the mess. I'm kind of self conscious about it, to be honest.
So I'm on Prednisone, & Avalox. The Prednisone is a "flu type" regimen. 4 a day for 2 days, 3 a day for 2 or 3 days, then 2 a day, then -you get the picture. For 10 days. The Avalox is one a day for 14.
Side effects... Any Ray Stevens fans out there? "doctor doctor, have mercy on me. Doctor your cure, is worse than my disease. Practice of medicine is a must.... but, must you always practice on us?" a few lines later... "...practice, practice, 'till you get it right".
I'm also reminded of a Frazz cartoon. Where one of the young students gets a small scrape on the monkey bars. The student asks "will I get addicted to vitamins?" "...Vicodine? No."
Where was I? oh, yes... side effects. Trouble sleeping, water retention, puffiness, ... the list goes on -far too long for my tastes. Oh, & did I mention these are for each type of pill?!? So, yeah, don't worry... I haven't even shared the worst ones. [but I am one to monitor myself rather well. So I'm trying to keep them in the back of my head. Without manufacturing the symptoms because I read them, & it seems more than a little ironic that I'm reading them near Halloween.]
The plan, as it stands:
is to use the med.'s.
Another Head CT [to see where we are at]
And to then decide if I need surgery. He thinks I will. As only one side is blocked.

The surgery would be outpatient. They would snake up my nose, if they can, & remove any "growths" that are hindering the normal flow of things. Or cut under my lip [inside my mouth] & go up through that way.
The downside is: no heavy lifting for a couple of weeks. No exercising. Possibility of nose bleeds that I'd need to go to the ER for. [but they would be for the first week or 2]

So, there you have it.

Being able to see all that in the scans, was just amazing. The more I learn about the engineering of humans, the more fascinating God becomes. To have made people so complex is so very captivating. Technology has a similar effect. We humans make computers for various tasks, yet we ourselves were made by loving hands. Computers work & talk to each other in a "binary language". A language that consists of 2 symbols a 1 or a 0. All of this... blog, windows, etc. all are created using a binary language... the human, English language consists of 26 symbols for the construction of words. And 10 symbols representing value or quantity.
Which makes me wonder...
How many symbols are in God's alphabet?
I love the verse that speaks of this:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Romans 8:26-28 [The Message]

This has been a helpful verse for me over the past couple of years. As I have said to a few close friends: "I'll tell you [or email you] later, when I can put it into English." Sometimes, both good things & bad, can be "beyond human language". I feel a need for a language not yet given to me. A language that the current body & mind I posses, is incapable of speaking. [perhaps a language that has yet to be born?] Truthfully, though, the last sentence can be hard [in dark times] to not look at as "really cheesy". But it is accurately written, "That's why we can be so sure..." can be... not "are", can be. I must admit, I'm certainly not always so sure. You bored up there?? My life not interesting enough for ya? or perhaps: yeah, I'm awake. I'm still here.

I'm searching for a drawing I made [in "other news"]...
I'm going to conclude with a quote, & the verse the drawing is based on...

He heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

I know God too well to be mad at Him, but not well enough to know what He’s doing.


Friday, October 17, 2008

And my soul has been kissed

A friend of mine posted the song 40 by U2. Mentioning songs that we are given to sing.
Songs to The Father. "Hymns to Him". This song is on a playlist that I have. A list of songs that are "between Jesus & me". Many are desperate cries to the Almighty. Many are... vivid descriptions of how badly I need Him. [in the vein of my statement: I need Him so bad I can taste it]
From [I think it's called: "You Are"] a hidden track at the end of Stereotype Be by Kevin Max,
You Are
...you are
the shelter from the pain
you are
the drugs that kill my pain
you are the one
you are the one
you are my God
and you are

A very favorite song, gives the title of this playlist [& the title of this post]
Wind at My Back
by Spock's Beard
How can you be
Like a sky stretched out before me
And the world is turning your way
Even darkness is better this way

Can it be true
That it all comes rushing from you
When my resistance is gone
And there's nothing that I can lean on

You are the wind at my back
You give what I lack
You're the jewel in my hand
You're like rain on dry land

You're the focus the beam
You're realities dream
You're the blue in my black
You're the wind at my back

All of the above
I'II have the lot for my love
And as we're becoming somehow
As we're changing the future to now

I just want to live
In the place that you have to give
I let the heat beat me down
Until the water comes down

You are the wind at my back
You give what I lack
You're the jewel in my hand
You're like rain on dry land

You're the focus the beam
You're realities dream
You're the blue in my black
You're the wind at my back

You are the wind at my back
You give what I lack
You're the jewel in my hand
You're like rain on dry land

And my soul has been kissed
Just because you exist
You're the dream that's a fact
You're the wind at my back

You're the wish that I make
You're the prize I might take
You're the gold that is free
You're the groom on one knee

You're the focus the beam
You're realities dream
You're the blue in my black
You're the wind at my back

There are 2 versions of this song on Spock's Beard's cd Snow...

I love the second version, the final song on the set. There is a point where it feels like the band -collectively "looses it". The band is no longer performing the song, the song is "singing itself" through the band. Almost like the song is in control. that happens at this verse:
You’re the ocean

The tide

You’re the door

Open wide

And my soul has been kissed

Just because you exist

You’re the dream

That’s a fact

You’re the wind

At my back

Another U2 song, for me, is Hawkmoon 269.

[fav. verse...]

...like comin' home

when you don't know where you've been

like black coffee

like nicotine

I need Your love...

There are so many more. Perhaps later this weekend or next week I'll post the playlist's songs.

Anyway, these are "songs I sing". As we used to joke, I sing them solo... that is to say: "so low you can't hear me". When I'm alone, I really do sing them. Some would find the list ir-reverant, or "sinful" maybe. Maybe they are for other people. But they mean something to Him & me.

They are "our songs".

Hope you & Him have a few of your own...

Thursday, October 9, 2008


I have been writing a post, I'm not sure how "finished" it is, that began as a statement from group on Wed. Sort of a "how I got here" -LW that is. I've been "up & down" the last few days.

Tues. night was a blast. Got to hang with my Aunt Susie, Uncle Marlin [who for the last 24 years have been missionaries in France, at The Chateau De St. Albein], my cousins Ben [& his girlfriend Holly] & Phil [& his girlfriend Freddy -short for Frederica]. Phil is computer savy & was on the tech team in Black Forrest [a school in Germany where he met Freddy].

You'd think I wouldn't be down after that, or "not so soon" anyway. Wed. I was really down [& parts of today, really]. I almost didn't go to group, & didn't really feel like talking much. I sat in the parking lot & thought "why am I HERE?". I went in, went to the worship area, & talked to 3 good friends. It just felt soothing to be able to listen to them talk to me. To just have them acknowledge me, & let me be near them. They "hugged my weary soul" yesterday. And it felt good. One part anti-depressant, one part a "massage of the soul" -if you will.

I'm just "like that" sometimes, don't know why. I tried to talk to my friends. I just... it was easier & nicer to let them talk instead.
well, I'm off. [to listen to "sounds of hope"]

Sunday, October 5, 2008

a T-shirt , a notebook, & words

Ok. I told someone I'd put up some of my drawings. So why is this a pic of a T-shirt? I couldn't find a King's X T at any store in or around York. So, while at Lake Champion with Young Life [Young Life is where I met Jack Dyson] I made one. The Graffiti ish logo was my own creation, I used the concentrated dye used to make the Tie-Dye shirt to write it. The scribbling is the signatures of the band members [Doug Pinnick, Ty Tabor, & Jerry Gaskill]. I was wearing the shirt at a show, that I couldn't get into [21 & over]. Doug came out after the show & saw it & said "That is cool!" I asked them to sign it & they did. The irony was that the girl on staff at Champion was named Gretchen...
This one has no real title. Not even much of a story. And I don't like how it looks in this scan, I think it looks better "in person". It isn't a picture of anyone [real or fictious]. My hair, long, wouldn't look like that, either. [even though my hair is extremely curly, if left alone & left to grow long enough...don't hold your breath]. I seem to remember drawing a few shots of people. This was one of my first attempts at a human [as opposed to a stick figure]. I remember being down as I drew this & another one that I cannot find "at present".

The last 2 are from one of my journals. The last couple of journals have had some drawings or "doodles" in them. And as a friend suggested I've bought a new journal that isn't lined [my first "unlined" journal]. The strange thing is I'm afraid to start writing in it. [Should it just be a "journal of drawings"?]

This one is called "The Broken Puzzle". A sad sort of self portrait. A "how I've veiwed myself". I cannot really see myself like this now. [or I probably wouldn't have posted it here] At work, at church, in my life... I've often felt, perhaps not all the time, like I just don't fit. Like the top of a fountain soda lid. There's diet, cola, ice tea, ...& other. I'm other. ...only, I'm just me now. Still not always sure I like it, but I'm me. I'm becoming more comfortable with me as this year goes on. And I have people who make me feel like I fit. Especially at church. And, the worship area has become a "safe place to land" for me. So if I don't feel... "up to being around people" I'll go there to kind of "get away". There's always a lot of people there, but the core staff I feel connected to & I feel like they will "help me hide" if [for whatever reason] I feel the need. And if I feel vulnerable or need anything they moblize like they're a Navy SEAL team.

This last one is called "Love Demonstrated". Mom always said: "love talked about, is easily cast aside. Love demonstrated cannot be denied." -thus the title. This image just came into my head one day. And I felt I had to "get it out"... so I've drawn this many times. This is probably my favorite version. Though all of my doodles seem really kind of lame to be putting them "out there", for all to see. I'm kind of afraid to let people comment to this post.
Not even six months ago I would never even have contemplated doing a post like this. Whether it's photos, poems, or drawings... I've not really been comfortable with "sharing myself" with people. I'm just not that trusting of people. For that matter, just last April or May I wouldn't even have done a blog at all.
I told a friend that I would do this. [truthfully, partly because I want to encourage her to share her paintings... & partly to "make myself do this"]
On Vertical Creativity, & on her Woman's writing blog, deAnn mentioned [& it's been mentioned more than once] about the "inner critic".
Even if you don't do anything artistic. [..or at least "don't think you do"] you have one of these. At least one. Mine is pretty rough, & graphic. So I've written to myself [my poem "But Me", for example. from another post]. I also have held onto things that speak to this struggle that all of us have. I really don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with voices in there head saying things like:
"You are such a looser, Brian" "you are a mistake" ... [quite honestly, I'm stopping there -at least for now. You've heard these, I'm sure.] And these are extrememly mild compared to what mine say to me. You may look at these drawings & say "I could do better than that", or "a five year old could do better". Or you may say you love them, they should be in a gallery. The voices are still louder than you. I want to write more on this, but I must stop for now at least. The group that wrote the song I'm posting here, is where I first heard of To Write Love On Her Arms. [I may post a bit on them in the future as well. At least to share from the story a part I have come to call "The LW paraghraph"]. but for now...

I told deAnn I'd post these lyrics. And to another friend of mine. If you remember me telling you about a playlist called hope, this is another song on there...


By Between the Trees
from the cd The Story & the Song

This night, this night just like the rest
These same thoughts running through my head
Same reckless phrase with a different face
They say, they say that I am worthless
But I'm not listening
I swear, and yet
Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes built to be broke down
Around and around
I'm falling down, again

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill

This feels the same
Complications in different situations
I am holding out for love
Is it worth it
To die a little each day
All for unseen grace

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
(meant to be broke down)
Surely kill
Your words are breaking down now

I would say
Where I've been to where I am
It is worth it
His grace
When all else fades
You can see it
His face
So now...

Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes meant to be broke

These thoughts were meant to be broke down [x11]

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill
They surely kill
Your words are breaking down now

Take care...

you are loved...

more than you know