Sunday, October 5, 2008

a T-shirt , a notebook, & words

Ok. I told someone I'd put up some of my drawings. So why is this a pic of a T-shirt? I couldn't find a King's X T at any store in or around York. So, while at Lake Champion with Young Life [Young Life is where I met Jack Dyson] I made one. The Graffiti ish logo was my own creation, I used the concentrated dye used to make the Tie-Dye shirt to write it. The scribbling is the signatures of the band members [Doug Pinnick, Ty Tabor, & Jerry Gaskill]. I was wearing the shirt at a show, that I couldn't get into [21 & over]. Doug came out after the show & saw it & said "That is cool!" I asked them to sign it & they did. The irony was that the girl on staff at Champion was named Gretchen...
This one has no real title. Not even much of a story. And I don't like how it looks in this scan, I think it looks better "in person". It isn't a picture of anyone [real or fictious]. My hair, long, wouldn't look like that, either. [even though my hair is extremely curly, if left alone & left to grow long enough...don't hold your breath]. I seem to remember drawing a few shots of people. This was one of my first attempts at a human [as opposed to a stick figure]. I remember being down as I drew this & another one that I cannot find "at present".

The last 2 are from one of my journals. The last couple of journals have had some drawings or "doodles" in them. And as a friend suggested I've bought a new journal that isn't lined [my first "unlined" journal]. The strange thing is I'm afraid to start writing in it. [Should it just be a "journal of drawings"?]

This one is called "The Broken Puzzle". A sad sort of self portrait. A "how I've veiwed myself". I cannot really see myself like this now. [or I probably wouldn't have posted it here] At work, at church, in my life... I've often felt, perhaps not all the time, like I just don't fit. Like the top of a fountain soda lid. There's diet, cola, ice tea, ...& other. I'm other. ...only, I'm just me now. Still not always sure I like it, but I'm me. I'm becoming more comfortable with me as this year goes on. And I have people who make me feel like I fit. Especially at church. And, the worship area has become a "safe place to land" for me. So if I don't feel... "up to being around people" I'll go there to kind of "get away". There's always a lot of people there, but the core staff I feel connected to & I feel like they will "help me hide" if [for whatever reason] I feel the need. And if I feel vulnerable or need anything they moblize like they're a Navy SEAL team.

This last one is called "Love Demonstrated". Mom always said: "love talked about, is easily cast aside. Love demonstrated cannot be denied." -thus the title. This image just came into my head one day. And I felt I had to "get it out"... so I've drawn this many times. This is probably my favorite version. Though all of my doodles seem really kind of lame to be putting them "out there", for all to see. I'm kind of afraid to let people comment to this post.
Not even six months ago I would never even have contemplated doing a post like this. Whether it's photos, poems, or drawings... I've not really been comfortable with "sharing myself" with people. I'm just not that trusting of people. For that matter, just last April or May I wouldn't even have done a blog at all.
I told a friend that I would do this. [truthfully, partly because I want to encourage her to share her paintings... & partly to "make myself do this"]
On Vertical Creativity, & on her Woman's writing blog, deAnn mentioned [& it's been mentioned more than once] about the "inner critic".
Even if you don't do anything artistic. [..or at least "don't think you do"] you have one of these. At least one. Mine is pretty rough, & graphic. So I've written to myself [my poem "But Me", for example. from another post]. I also have held onto things that speak to this struggle that all of us have. I really don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with voices in there head saying things like:
"You are such a looser, Brian" "you are a mistake" ... [quite honestly, I'm stopping there -at least for now. You've heard these, I'm sure.] And these are extrememly mild compared to what mine say to me. You may look at these drawings & say "I could do better than that", or "a five year old could do better". Or you may say you love them, they should be in a gallery. The voices are still louder than you. I want to write more on this, but I must stop for now at least. The group that wrote the song I'm posting here, is where I first heard of To Write Love On Her Arms. [I may post a bit on them in the future as well. At least to share from the story a part I have come to call "The LW paraghraph"]. but for now...

I told deAnn I'd post these lyrics. And to another friend of mine. If you remember me telling you about a playlist called hope, this is another song on there...


By Between the Trees
from the cd The Story & the Song

This night, this night just like the rest
These same thoughts running through my head
Same reckless phrase with a different face
They say, they say that I am worthless
But I'm not listening
I swear, and yet
Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes built to be broke down
Around and around
I'm falling down, again

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill

This feels the same
Complications in different situations
I am holding out for love
Is it worth it
To die a little each day
All for unseen grace

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
(meant to be broke down)
Surely kill
Your words are breaking down now

I would say
Where I've been to where I am
It is worth it
His grace
When all else fades
You can see it
His face
So now...

Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes meant to be broke

These thoughts were meant to be broke down [x11]

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill
They surely kill
Your words are breaking down now

Take care...

you are loved...

more than you know

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