Thursday, May 29, 2014

a new poem [from a photo a friend posted recently]

Butterfly soul
Your wings & fly
Little one
I know
That sometimes you feel
More like a scorpion
A spider
Something scary
I know that you
Scare you
I still feel
The same way
About myself
Defending myself
Does not make me a monster
[irregardless of feeling like one]
I still got to fly away
In the end
I’m still afraid
Of hurting someone
By accident
I have patient people
Around me
Who love me anyway
No matter
How I view myself
I sincerely hope
You do
As well
by b.e. noll

Hope you like it. Hope it doesn't scare you.
May His grace drip from your fingers,

Friday, May 16, 2014

Because You Are

Because You Are
was never about
were you came from
was never about
where you
or I
think or thought
you were/are going
It’s not about
who you became
or will become
it’s about
loving you
because you are
you exist
”just be & breathe”
Mom always said
that’s why
because you do
we all need
to be loved
not because we are funny
not because we are serious
not because we are artistic
not because we are strong
not because we are intelligent
not because we are wise
not even because we are a good friend
because we are.
that’s all
which brings me to Jamie
I hear his voice
over & over
”we’re probably more loved
than we’ll ever know”
thanks, Jamie
for reminding us
that you’re loved
because you are

 by b.e. noll

This sort of came from reading a post by Michael Gungor. About his new born daughter. The joy & the sorrow. ...ever since Mare lost her twins... I don't pray the same way about children. When I hear someone is pregnant [like Mick's friend Lauren right now] I pray for health for mother & child. So much can happen. Death is merely one possibility. I used to think that if a gal got pregnant that she HAD to have the child & the child would be healthy, live a long life. When Mare lost her twins it was such a cruel reality. Not that I hadn't already been "formally introduced" to the cruelty of life, mind you. This was just a whole new wrinkle. [that's for those of you who were tired of the old one] There are so many things that can happen in our lives that can rob us of a feeling of value. I guess that's why so many of my poems are about loving/ being loved "just the way you are". We all need people who love us outside of a reason. I'm reminded of a group of friends. We all joked about calling one of them "THE [their first & last name]". As I've gotten to write/ talk to some people who are famous in one circle or another, I think back to that. I wrote to Plumb once. And she wrote back. I've been able to meet many musicians. [Rich Mullins, Bryan Duncan, Steve Taylor, King's X, Adrian Belew, P.F.R., Guradian -so many times they would say high to me & 2 friends whenever they saw us, Iona,...] As well as meeting people like Renee Yohe & Jamie Tworkowski. Sometime along the way I remembered & thought "I do not want to treat these people like they are 'THE whoever they are'. I want to treat them like a good friend. As a valuable person, in spite of whatever fame they have."

In another way, from the opposite direction. It is nice to be treated [if you've never been "famous"] like you ARE somebody. To have people who treat you like a "wow person". 
I, myself, have had this a few times & I never handle it right. EVER. I'm so bad at it that we have to create a new catagory for it. ["taking 'suck' to a whole new level"] If you do this for someone, don't take it personal if they are a "fish out of water" with it. Some of us just do not know what to do when we become the center of attention. We just sheepishly grin [& begin looking for the exits]. I can phychoanalyze this, but I won't. 
No matter where you're at, deep it or not, we all need to be loved by someone. To be valued. We become horrible things when we aren't. Which brings me back to the quote from Jamie. Every so often I hear him saying it. I can picture the video it's from. [one of the many youtube videos you can see of Jamie's talks/interviews.]
"We're probably more loved than we'll ever know." - Jamie Tworkowski

Well, I'm off. To write some more, sleep some, & to begin to sort the plethora of poems I have printed out into, perhaps, catagories or themes. 

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

You or somebody like you

It all began with a playlist. I've shared some "day" playlists on here. I've got one for Mon. through Fri. Truthfully they are loosely titled something like: Modern Mon's, Prog/Jazzy Tues. [with some jam band "flurishes", mostly Phish & Umphrey's McGee], Truth in song Wed.'s, Nostalgic Thurs., Fri.'s are "us" Fri.'s. [meaning stuff Mick & I like].
Then there are some unique playlists. The first one I posted of was a... not really worship playlist I posted in parts over many Sundays. Though it began as a mix tape in 1990. [titled: GOD... to, from, about, & because of] There was at least one song that fit each of those words/phrases. It was the first of my quite unique mix tapes that have since become playlists. Below is the very next one. I began to pour myself out about the beginnings of it the other night.
After a severe depression. I began to look at the brokenness of us... of me. Which became a playlist called: You or Someone Like You. An honest look at humanness. You won't like every artist listed here. Maybe you'll stop reading this blog. That's ok. In person, as well as on here. I'm just being me. I'm hiding it less. Because hiding who I am is more work than making new friends. Who will love me for me, as I really am. Not only that, I've come to realize that if you keep things from people... who really do love you "as is"... you are hiding their love from yourself. [I see no reason to do this]
It's become boring. [not to mention too much work]
By the way, to understand the title of the playlist. It might be best to imagine me [or yourself] standing in a bathroom, looking into a mirror, & saying the title. That's kind of the place I was mentally coming from when I started this idea...

So, as scary as this seems to me, here it is. a quickly linked set up of that playlist.

I will say again, what I quoted several places: "...I don't know who else to be, more & more I'm secretly just me..." - Goodbye[this is not goodbye], Over the Rhine [from the disc: Films for radio]

you or someone like you
everybodyduck suzie's diet
wishlist by Pearl Jam
Led Zepplin - Nobody's Fault But Mine
King Crimson - Indiscipline
Megadeth - Seven
Megadeth - ecstasy 
Rush - Half the World

Now I have King's X's tune Human Behavior in my head:
"some of crime we find is just human behavior, everybody's in the line"

Well, take care... have a great one

May His grace drip from your fingers,

p.s. I didn't publish the words that fell out as I wrote a longer version of this post because... I'm going to put it into the "book"/story of my life that I'm writing.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Pictures [I told a friend I'd do this]

I told a "newer" friend I'd do this sometime. So this is me making good.

For those of you who follow me on facebook, I'll explain. I started at the end & went backwards through my photos. [that's why none of these are on facebook yet] I so very much enjoy hiking, & taking photos. I probably say that too much. Yet there is no way to say it loud enough. My need is very great. This is so healthy for me. Also healthy...
I got through another box of "stuff unavoidably shoved into my basement till I get the chance to go through it" this weekend. Which makes me feel a bit better. I've got a lot of things most of which falls under two opposing lists. Things to start doing.... & things to stop doing. A "stop doing" is having/getting things just to say I "have stuff". I'm moving away from allowing myself to have stuff just so the house doesn't feel empty. I'm trying to streamline stuff. If it has a purpose it can stay...if not, well...maybe it'll have a purpose in someone else's life.
I should go. It is much later than I like to be up.