Monday, June 30, 2014

2 poems & some other words

 Ok... a couple of poems. I can't believe the first one came tonight. I wrote 2 emails that were so brief, the one could have been a tweet. I'm just "not ok" at the moment...& yet, as I've written tonight, I'm feeling better. So enjoy these. I may not be online much the next couple of days. Especially "socially". I have a drive that might make tomorrow a 12hr day for me. Then I'm going to try to go extremely early for my usual drive to Delaware on Wed. I honestly don't know how long Wed. will be. I'm catching a movie with the guys [my Wed night group]. Actually I'm BRINGING the movie, Ragamuffin. Then I'm going to try, really hard, to finally make this the summer I "make good" on my "threat" to go to an artists group @ LW. Thurs. night. It's going to center on photography. So I'm equal parts: excited, nervous, to try this out. 

The first poem is kind of written to 2 people. Or with 2 people in mind. Partly to myself, to just let go & allow my natural self to be. To be me, without thinking about it so much. [analyzing myself too much]. The second person is working on their next disc of music. An encouragement, not just to keep going with it. To go with it in joy. To enjoy the process of making her record. On her own terms, in her own time. And her fans, the ones to REALLY write to...they will be glad she took the time to make something she's proud of. After all, if even one of the songs goes big...she could be singing it for a very long time. She might as well like the song. [songs, disc]
I think of weird things like that with the bands/artists I like. Don't just do it for me. Enjoy doing it. as Robert Fripp rehearses for a new King Crimson tour, I'm hoping/praying that he enjoys the whole process. From rehearsals to every tour stop. I'm hoping to catch them in Philly. They're touring with three drummers this time. Should be a fun time to sit "in" music & just drink deep. That's kind of what a "Krim show" is about. I so enjoyed it last time. To me it's a Hard rock band that not-so-secretly enjoys a bit of Jazz. I would also say they are the reason Surround sound was invented. -ok, enough "leaking words endlessly onto the screen"... I gotta go. Enjoy:

Leave them alone
please let go
stop trying so hard to be
whatever THEY want
be you
let them be them
the REAL them
and focus on the REAL you
don't do it
for fame
for a label
for something they can see coming
and let them go
let them be
yet, one more thing
don't JUST be you
enjoy doing it
enjoy the process
so you don't do things the way others do
You can be a clone
or a masterpiece
masterpieces are
one of a kind
it's so much better to be one of a kind
[after all...they can't say you did it wrong...
if it's never been done this way before -right?]
it's fun to keep them guessing

I'll live
it may not always be fun
I'll live
I do not know
what my story can do
to help you
or anyone for that matter
and yeah
I am scared to death
to tell my story
to share my story
to write it
it's so ugly to stair at
some of my very FAVORITE books
are of similar stories
similar parts of stories
where the author
didn't want to share it
yet friends convinced them
that they should
that they NEEDED to
even though it was
painfully uncomfortable
for the author
it might just be
THE most important book
they would ever publish
what if
this is true
of me?
what do I do
life is harder than I thought
[more worth it than I've thought, also]

[both]  by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Sunday, June 29, 2014


Well... I'm back from a small vacation. A very nice one. The photo is from last Thursday. Even though it looks like a fall one. The sun shown in such a way it made the trees look golden. It was such fun to just sit there & drink it in....

So I did take  my camera. Enjoyed taking Mick away with me. Got away as they say. It's nice to slow down & just sit still for a while. Even though that can be extremely difficult for me at times. [turns out I am my father's son]
Before I left I had some interesting moments. People talking to me about age. Mostly mine.
While I don't really care much how long my physical form has been on the planet... it is one more way I have felt very... "not normal" for a human. Or perhaps it would be better said it is another reminder that I'm not like most people. I don't feel this way as... "Mon - Sun" as I used to. There are still times, moments, conversations that bring it back to mind, though. So I'll speak of this here. From multiple angles.
First. I was, by the knowledge of that time, "scheduled to arrive" on April the 25th, 1971. For those of you who are not like my Dad, that would mean I am 43 as of right now. Again, not that it is terribly important. Due to "complications" I was not born until 5:30am the morning of the 26th.
NO... I do not "remember it well". I remember Mom telling the story countless times. [I'm not upset about that. It's just the facts] The details of that I will leave to my Mother, who never tires of telling it. I have been told for quite a long time that I appear much younger than I am. How much depends greatly on whom you ask. One friend states that I am: "forever green" "You look so young. You should tell people you are 25" Another recently said: "I had no idea. I thought you were maybe 30." [he was fun -& one to talk. I never would have guessed he was older than me. I thought HE was 30! He & his wife look MAYBE 30, if that. It's nice to tell people what I've heard most of my life]
I even had a police officer apologize to me once. He thought I had a "Cinderella license". "No disrespect, officer. How old do you THINK I am?" "16" I was around 28. I told him I would love this when I was 40. Love is a strong word.... maybe when I'm 80? Anywho.
While I'm not fond of the grey hairs that are slowly taking over. Or the fact that I no longer have an extremely thick head of hair. What I really don't like about the prospect of aging is 2 fold.
1. Having people older than me. To go to & say: "So. Is this a thing I should worry about? Or is this a 'huge thing now & totally forgotten in a week' thing?" I like being able to go to people older than me to ask things of. To ponder things with. I've spent a great deal of my life hanging out with people older than me. I'm an only child. I've been doing it for a long time, now.
2. as I talk to aging folks...there is the realization that we spend 21 years becoming independent. We really want to spend zero time going the other way. TWLOHA has ...a blog post, a shirt, even a hastag "People Need Other People". Yet... many of us are really bad at letting other people help us. I am chief among them. I really suck at letting others help me. Be there for me. Don't get me wrong. I love the slogan. I think it's true. Just... "when the time comes"..... I fail at this. Which will make me more of a pain as I get older.
Though, while I still have trust issues, I'm thankful that I have people who try to be there for me. Even though I do not make it very easy for them. [pray for them. they need it.]

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Thursday, June 12, 2014

This is not the end [this is not the end]

If you can understand it. This is from a song by Gungor, a song by Christina Perri, & listening to an interview [Conan interviewing Jack White].

This is not the end [this is not the end]
This is the end
It is
So very over
I have walked
Through the door
I could walk back
There is no point
In doing that
I’ve been there
And done that
I wanted to do that
I don’t want to be
A scratch on a record
Playing the same
To the same melody
And over
While this is the end
I’ve come to it at last
Gladly terrified

…and yet
Is not
The end
Not the end of me
The end of us
This is not the end of me
This is the beginning
One book ends
One movie
Rolls credits
And a new movie
A new book
Where will
This character
This me
Go now?
I’m scared
And I’m excited
Can it be
That what scares me
Is the very point of origin
Of my excitement.
So this is the end
This is not the end
[and ok, I’m done now]

May his grace drip from your fingers,
b.e. noll

the reason my skin feels too small......

Hello. I'm going to start with something I said to a "sister & brother" from LW.
I feel like my skin is too small for me, tonight. I'm relieved. I'm thankful..... I'm ALL over the place.
This is partly due to the fact that I drove, for the first time, a 26' long box truck. Then had to back it into a garage door, in the side of a building, in downtown Elizabethtown, Pa. It was like parking an aircraft carrier @ THE MALL. Your first thought is "WHY?".... & then we move to "how the... what.... -WAIT, huh??".
Yeah, it was a lot like that. So that was today. I did it in 2 backs, WITHOUT scraping any paint off.
Go me. I got done & I walk up to someone to get my "pick up". 3 skids. And...what song would be playing? Ain't It Fun by Paramore. See? God & I have this "thing going". Our own little "inside joking humor". Irony? yeah, we got that.
I've been this way with driving. I took Mick to visit my Aunt & Uncle, at a farm. They were home visiting from France. Staying at a farm. That had 4 wheelers. So we took some out for a spin on the dirt course they had there. I went. Then I took Mick for a ride or two. Then she asked: "will you teach me to drive one?" "Sure." I said. She gets on the front with me behind her. Stops. Looks back at me & says: "Hey, how long have you been driving one of these?" ..."ah...I don't know. How long have we been here?" Mick:"We've been here about 2 hours." Me: "about 2 hours." She just rolled her eyes & laughed. "How do you DO that? -I mean, you just pick it up & can do it." Me: "I don't come you can't?" That's the thing about gifted-ness, sometimes. If you were "born with it" you don't really know how you can "just do it". You only know that you can. It's as weird for the talented person as it is for someone who isn't gifted in that area. [it really is. It makes me think of the movie Good Will Hunting. Which has a great scene in it about explaining gifted-ness]

Ok. So the reason my skin feels too small...... Tues night was my last therapy appointment. So tonight, I was talking non stop to a couple I know from LW. I haven't talked like that in a LONG time. It's been really good.
I slowly shared that I was even in therapy with only a few people. I did so for many reasons. I share this for many reasons as well. I think it's better to be honest. I think it's important to allow each other to know we are human. Forgive the "shameless plug" here. It's good to share our Fears vs Dreams. It's good to share our accomplishments. To share our arrivals.
I have arrived... at a place where I don't need to see a therapist anymore. I liked seeing her.
I love being here. At this point. Staying up too late. Hoping my computer doesn't crash or freeze up as I type this. Hoping... that you get that I feel very hopeful right now. Hoping that if you don't feel hopeful right now..... that you will hold on. Stay alive. Long enough for hope to surprise you, too. I sit here, in my newest TWLOHA shirt. and. I. feel. good.
And I'm not sorry for feeling this way. I feel good enough that I've actually shared this fact on facebook, twitter, & my Wed evening group. Glad that one guy from group just couldn't stop telling me afterward how happy he was that I got to this point in my story. He doesn't even know what I went to therapy for. He didn't even ask. "IT" ...isn't the point. I'm healthier now. THAT'S the point.
And it's why, my skin feels too small.
I gotta run for now.
Thanks for listening.

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

a new poem from the day's travels...

Once again I was inspired by what my eyes feasted upon today during my road trip. So, yet another traveling inspired poem....

The Fog

Mystifies everything
A milky white-ish veil
The countryside
From my view
Only part of it
Like it’s “cousin”
[only…less unpleasant for others]
It makes the same hills, trees, & houses
Seem to have a magic
That was somehow
Missing before
It turns
Swords of light
Through the gaps
In the trees
Like sharp fingers
Beckoning me
Toward them
“Come & play...won’t you please?”
The only playing
Is on the movie screen
Of my mind
As my eyes
“Snap” photos
And my heart joins
The wistfulness
With the “rumblings” of this poem
Not quite forming
Till long after the stress
That others share with me
Washing away
Like the tides

My soul rejoicing over a newly birthed poem
Like it so often does
Why DO I wait
So terribly long to write these?
They do me such good
What did my “cyber friend” say to me?
So long ago
…something about
Not putting off doing
What’s good for you.
Do I?
So thankful for this morning’s fog
To pull me
To me.

by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,