Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I'll be here

Last night I ran out. I just didn't want..... anything. Didn't want to eat. So I didn't. I don't let myself skip meals often. Last night, I did. Yesterday had a few "hiccups" yet nothing to make me feel the way I felt. I told a friend in an email about it. They were so very kind:
"... write whenever you want to ... I’ll be here..." 
I really needed to hear..... just that. Just to be told: It's ok. I feel that way too sometimes. I'm not going to think less of you. I love you as you are. 
So beautiful. So necessary. All of us need people like this in our life. 
Anyway, in my Wed night group we talked a bit about the Apostle Paul. Specifically his writings on "the thorn" in his life. We never learn any other name for it. So we don't know what "it" was. 
I think it's a wonderful thing that we don't know what Paul's thorn was. 
Why? Because then we can substitute a struggle of our own in it's place. 
With this in mind, I give you a poem that I wrote. 
I'm kind of scared to share it because I wrote it about a "thorn" in my own life. 
I never name it, of course. I just hate it. Hate that I have to fight it. Hate that I loose. 
However, I keep fighting..... 
so here is the poem,
may it encourage you.....

I want you to feel that good
I just don’t want that to be how you get there
You are worth more than that
Mean something to people
Are important
Your story
Is too beautiful
To have even a sentence wasted on that
So please
As fast & as far
Away from that as you possibly can
Please stop thinking you don’t matter
You do
Not kidding
No exaggeration
You need to have joy
That is just the wrong way to get there
So please step away from there
Move into where you are loved
You are loved
You need to be loved
Are beautiful
Your story
Is better than that
Your story
Is wonderful
You have amazing characters
In your story
There are amazing chapters
In your story
Don’t let them be ruined
There’s too much at stake
You are too beautiful
To be soiled
Like that
So don’t let that
Be the end
Don’t let that
Put a shadow
On you
On your story
Too many people
Are invested
In you
In your story
Walk away from that
Don’t walk away
Your too much fun
To do that
live into a better story....

b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

me too

ok... first off, I wanted to post very soon after my post on suicide. I just didn't want that to be the last, most recent thing from me for a very long time. Yet, that's how it played out. Tonight, a friend posted a writing from Anne Lamott on facebook. I really liked it. 2 things hit me from it. the title: "Grace bats last"..... & "me too". So, I haven't posted a poem on here for a while. [don't know if this is a "stellar" one or not, yet here we go...]

Me too
I know
I know that you feel it too
that feeling of being
"the only one"
The only one:
who feels broken
this much
The only one
who struggles
with this
No one else
could be this weird
this broken
this twisted
"just me"
only me
you feel
like a category
of one
No one could understand
my life is a story no one would believe
you say these things
guess what?
me too
I've said them
I've felt them
felt alone
even though
I wasn't
I had just pushed
the people who care
I couldn't help it
you weren't there "then"
so why should I believe that
you'd be here now?
You didn't know about "then"
so how could you?
you know
you are here
You believe me
Even though
if I named my story
it would be called:
"I don't believe it either [& I was there]"
are here
I'm not alone
You feel this too
you aren't alone in this
I feel this too
by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,