Well, I made it through yesterday fairly well. However, I spaced on Sunday. I usually try to eat at fairly regular times. This is "just healthy", to an extent. If you quit eating 2 hrs before you go to sleep it's healthier for you. It's also a digestive problem I have. I don't really fast using food. Most of a day without food isn't really that noticeable for me. At least, not at first. I can't really say when I started eating more regularly. Three squares a day. What I vividly remember was helping out at church. We started the "gig" at 1pm & it lasted till about 5pm. The suggestion to grab a bite was made. I was totally agreeable. We went to Giant, since we all wanted different food. I got a whole chicken, bag of chips, & a soda. I ate half the bag of chips, drank down to the top of the soda label, & ate the chicken. Yes, the whole chicken. By the time I was done, it had become a spectator sport. Without my knowledge [or consent]. "Um... what's up?" I ask. "I can't believe you are so skinny & yet you ate an entire chicken in one sitting." "Metabolism is my friend." I replied. Then there was the "that can't be good for you" -what is? This was the topic for a few minutes until I told them something that made them get a bit more worried. "Well, I haven't eaten much all day." So they asked me what else I ate that day. Which brought up the fact that this was the first meal I had all day, at 5:30pm. So the prerequisite, "Why didn't you eat before?". I irritatedly answer: "I was busy."
I guess I should say that talking about myself has a shelf life. I usually measure it in 20 minute intervals... like 20 minutes per day at the very most. Though my least favorite thing to do is talk about how I'm "different" than everyone else. My toleration of this can be measured in nano seconds. [that would be ninth's of a second, for the uninitiated] I am getting better at this with some people, however, it "in no way" changes my feelings about the idea. Aka: "not a fan".
I realized that my mood can be effected by my eating habits. So the days of eating one rather large meal a day are long over. I also realized that part of the reason I ate this way was my thoughts about myself. Most of which were along the lines of my value, or lack there of. Which was going on for a long time, longer than I think I'd like to put in print here. I am far removed from these thoughts now. At least on the regular "day in day out" of my life. Yeah, they can sneak back if I'm not on my guard, which I try to stay firmly on.
Sunday brought all this back to my mind. I didn't eat supper till about 7:30 or so. When I did, I had fries & funnel cake. Then ate a sandwich at about 8 - 8:30. So Monday rolls around & I feel horrid. Partly physically, & partly "now you know better". This isn't the first time I've had this. I ended up calling off work, which I loath. It was easier, since I can text the person. When I don't feel well, the first thing that happens is I don't want to be around people. I just want to crawl in a hole till I feel better. I can stand my wife being around, however she's the extent of the people I want to see. So Monday was a watch the beginning of a dvd, wake up for the end, kind of day. In the middle "Z offerings to the Almighty". As the day wore on, my stomach settled & I returned to normal. The strange thing was that each meal, yesterday, was like a mini mental celebration. Not just because I could eat it without feeling sick. It seemed like I was... I don't know, celebrating that for the most part, I really try to take care of myself now. On more levels than just eating. Like I was saying with each meal, reaffirming, that I am valuable enough to take care of. Which felt good. Maybe I'm reacting this way because I have begun writing a story. Well, trying to. I don't know if I'll share this writing. I believe it's redemptive for me. I'm not sure, however, if it would be so for anyone else.
choose to live,
May His grace drip from your fingers,