Wednesday, January 21, 2009

trying to speak

I'm in a non-communicative funk. I don't feel right. As a result, I just don't feel worth being around. I want to write here... but I cannot seem to find words that work. I want to post on facebook, but... again feel all I could write is both down & hopelessly inadequate. I have a lot I'm trying to initiate in this year. Trying to reshape my life. This post is kinda part of that. Stepping out enough to say "I don't feel like stepping out". I don't feel comfortable ...even stating the painfully obvious. I've learned over the past year or so to write in a journal. To just spew/ vent/ "verbally throw up" everything that's on my mind. Engraving my screams on pages.
My actual blood is on some pages. To explain: it's winter [in case all the snow & parkas didn't give it away]. My skin gets dry, painfully so. So when you see me, I'll have band-aids on my fingers. They crack & bleed. Upset at things going wrong one day, in frustration, I wiped my bleeding finger on my journal. "bleeding my thoughts", using it for emphasis.
My mind is going in one hundred directions at once. I missed seeing a group of friends tonight. I didn't feel like I had the strength to drive there, for one. I didn't feel "comfortable in my skin", either. Physically so. [I do feel it the other way at times, also] Thankfully it's the first time in a while, for feeling kind of paralized, stuck at home. So I crawled into a chair & just sat there. Zoning out.
I want to comment to some friends & their blogs/ facebook discussions... but, again, I just feel like I cannot get the words out. ...are my thoughts worth hearing/ reading?? [I am writing now just to end the dry spell/ tell myself that my thoughts are no less valid than someone else's]
I should go for now. ...but this seems very down, so I'll leave you with a song that I heard somewhere & kind of liked. It speaks to the need to be loved as we are [the good, the bad, the ugly, & the ewww]. It's kinda sappy... but I like it's simplicity.

The Way I Am

Written by Ingrid Michaelson

If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I'd find a match

Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I'll make it better

Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
You take me the way I am
You take me the way I am

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