Thursday, September 18, 2008

Down [pt2], allergies, & dizziness

...ok. Pt 2 -down as a location

I have allergies. My running joke is:
"I have so many that soon I'll be allergic to having allergies".
-but does that mean I'll be cured?? ...hum.
So almost a week ago, I took Mick to the Conawago Inn. For supper, for our anniversary. We had never been there. She loves to try new things. On special occasions. Especially on these times -I don't. Too much can go wrong. Well, Fri. went well. [for you vegetarians, I'm sorry] I tried a meal of pork chops with a raspberry & strawberry gaze on them -amazing. Turns out Mick works with the owner so he went "all out" for us. His wife sang to us at the end [those who know me know I was very self concious -I positively despise being the center of attention], it was very sweet & touching. Also, he gave us a complimentary glass of wine. [for the very first time in my life I realize why, at my cousin's wedding, the French gave us so many different wines with each course. As -to me anyway- this wine, didn't seem to go with what I ate/was eating. More on my "French Connection" & maybe some pic.'s later]
What does all this have to do with allergies? -or down as a location??
I now have food allergies. Wonderful, I was bored with the other ones anyway. Not to mention used to them. Before Fri. I had one. A wonderful, kind, & artistic friend of mine makes a [sorry for the pun] "killer" carrot cake. "Tres Manifique" as the French say. [or less formally, "oo la la"]
Unfortunately, I'm allergic to carrots. The technical term for my allergy is "Cross Polination" which means that I'm not actually allergic to them. I can not have them during my "peak allergy times" as they become a "last straw", when combined with the allergies to: grass, hay, pollen, pet dander [read as: skin], rag weed, dust, [not making this up] Smut -never liked Playboy anyway -oops, not that kind of smut [but I can pretend], smoke [i.e. cigars, cigarettes, ...], ... I'm sure I've left some out.

I woke up Sat. to a swollen tongue, dizziness [could hardly stand up all day, fell a few times], sore slightly swollen throat, a headache from the back of my left eye down to my throat. However, I could breathe fairly well. [those who are familiar with food allergies know that you can go into anaphalactic shock, & even die from a food allergy] I think I was awake -collectively- for maybe an hour or two on Sat. to go from sleeping in bed, to sleeping on the floor, to sleeping on the couch, [repeat]. I watched 5 or 10 min. of the beginning of about 3 movies & 2 shows. I was supposed to be serving on Sun. [A/V "tech" team, on camera]. I was stuck at home all weekend. It was pretty much unsafe for me to walk, let alone drive. I guess now would be a good time to state that: a) I hate asking for/needing help [with the white hot intensity of a 1,000 suns] b) I cannot state strongly enough my distaste of feeling trapped in any way. I am an "always have an exit" kinda guy. I hide this, at times, by allowing certain people I trust to "be in the way"/ blocking an exit. I do that because I know [usually by looking at them] that if I need to leave they will "not stop me". Not even as a joke. I'm not at a really phobic state about it. But I do get uncomfortable with it, especially at certain times or in certain situations.
The dizziness wasn't as bad as it sometimes paralizingly has been. And is not connected "per se" to my allergies [the ENT: Ear Nose & Throat doctor, is working to asertain where this is coming from. My worst dizzy spells mean laying on the floor only. And -this being the weird part- I feel better if I'm on the floor in the basement than on the floor in the living room [one floor above], & better on the living room floor than on the floor in the bedroom. [again, bedroom is on the 2nd floor. So, the closer to ground level I am the better.]
I have another appointment with the ENT on Oct. the 20th. To give me a balance test. My Systema instructor would laugh at my having my balance tested. "he has better balance than I do", he's said. I was also told to "bring someone", as I won't be able to drive myself home. Can't wait. [heavy sarcasm] Actually if it gives me too much of a problem I may get sick riding home, which concerns me.
All of which gives me a bit of a depressed feeling overall. I feel so weak/stupid/worthless when I'm stuck on the floor. almost like a broken toy.
Well, I must "get on with it".
Packing for a trip to the cabin with my wife. [where I'll spend a little time figuring out what God wants me to do about the 2 groups I'm in this fall.]
I have to rest, we [both her & I, & God & I] need to talk. Hopefully this will be restful for her back, which she has a lot of trouble with. So I've got dishes, laundry, & things to do. I need to finish packing [both "normal" stuff & writing stuff. going into nature intensifies my love of creation/need to be creative. Maybe I'll post a new poem when I get back.]
I also watched a show with Mick that delt with death. [I'll have to post on this later, along with other thoughts]
for now, I leave with another poem that I wrote a long time ago now...

The war for normal

[edited version]

I am



Of having

To bleed my conversations

To retread

The same ground

Trying desperately

To be understood

To “say it right”

Why is communication so hard

For me


Why am I so immobilized

By how I really feel?

Why does it seem

Like there’s an ocean

Between me

And those

Who seem

To care?

Why must it be so thick?

Why must the wall

That separates us

Be so hard to

Tear down?

Why does

Telling about myself,

And my feelings

Feel so much

Like a steel cage match?

Why do I feel

Like I’m

Being held down

With rope?

Like there’s duck tape

Over my mouth

Like there's a knife

To my throat?

Why is talking such a struggle?

Why does

Telling my story

Seem like a crime?

…and why do I

Have this

Dangerous thought

That my story will one day

Be very public?


Please help me

Please keep them

From giving up on me

Please help them understand me

[as best as one can without living my nightmare]

Please help me understand them

[..& keep me from pushing them away all the time]

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