Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Down ...pt 1

Down definition #1
I've been feeling down, lately. So I haven't posted for a while.
If you can't improve upon the silence,
-don't end it.
As I have ..."processed through the darkness" of my own story, I have been able to watch/ read through a plethora of things that are every emotion that one can have. At least in regard to the "dark night of the soul". Some of it is jarring, it almost seems like they want to hurt you so you understand how hurt they are. [like they will feel better if you hurt like they do. I won't feel any better if you hurt like I do, or feel like a freak -like I sometimes do.]Somethings, though they mean well, are just to shallow to really feel like they understand what a person has been through. They want to show Jesus as our hope... but they make Him seem fake [at least to me]... kind of like a cardboard cutout. And, whether it's through: poetry, this blog, or conversations with others... I would really like to walk a fine line between "vividly painting the reality of the pain we feel" & the truth that there is hope. [...& perhaps that hope is a person, who is running toward us, rather than running away from or hiding from us] This would, of course, be easier if... I didn't feel that He is running from me sometimes. [or if He isn't running from me -He should be]
One of my favorite song writers is Neal Morse. He expresses this last sentence best when he sings "...all I have is Yours, [laughs] I don't have much to give -but a heart that needs forgiving. The flesh is tired, but the spirit's willing..." from the song Father of Forgiveness. [Basically the story of the prodigal son as a song]
Pastor Brian mentions the "depravity & the glory". Neal writes very well about both -sometimes within the same song- pretty much on every one of his discs since his crossing the line of faith.
I love the honesty & the fact that he doesn't end "down in the dumps". Neal is one of the few songwriters who can make me cry listening to his stuff. On a disc titled "?" [said: question mark] Neal writes about the tabernacle. He writes [from the "down/ depressed" feeling]
"...I'm a mistake
i guess i was
made this way
...there must be a place
i belong
but i'm outside looking in
they all look so pretty
but i feel so ugly..." [from Outside Looking In]
a few tracks later he writes from the perspective of having God restore their relationship, & the symbolism of the temple:
"...from a list of laws
seeing all our flaws
to the blind
the lame
we are all the same
our High Priest
has come
to make us all as one
in Him...
...& God's Spirit poured out
to all the one's without
now the temple
the Living God
is you..." [from Inside His Presence]
This song is part of a playlist between God & me. Songs that are "Us".
I use a line from another song Neal wrote as the title:
" ...and my soul has been kissed, just because You exist..."
From the song "Wind at My Back", from Snow, by Spock's Beard.
[a concept album -that is to say, the album is like a book & each track is a chapter in the story. This story is the testimony of a character named John Snow]
...so, anyway, I felt down for a few weeks. [this happens to me now & again]

This is a poem I wrote after feeling down,
"curling up" with my sadness, acting like it was my friend...
[please forgive the 4 letter word in here -I'm posting it as it's written]

I will post the poem if I can find out what I'm doing wrong

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