Saturday, September 27, 2008

Fear [a comment/ continuation of a post on Vertical Creativity]

I hear the old "...the only thing we have to fear is... fear itself."
The only fear not worth getting over is the fear of The Lord. ...and the greatest fear of God is standing before Him & instead of "well done, My good & faithful servant." ...getting this:
"What... -you mean that's it?" -OUCH.
Ok. time to admit stuff. I love to climb, since I was quite small. I'm afraid -not so much of heights, but the fall from them, the "rapid decent" scares me. But "with a little help from my friends" [sorry] I not only Repelled, & rock climbed a 45 foot cliff... I cliff dived, too. AMAZING... but if fear had been left to reign... I'd have never enjoyed "weightlessness", like that. That's just a human example.

I really appreciate a few people who are in my life to spur on my creativity.
I pray for them as well. I'm not the easiest person to know. Not the easiest person to get along with either. Yeah, Carol... not give 100%. -been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.
I laugh at myself for what I fear...& what I don't. I've taken Systema [a Russian Martial Art] & you would be surprised by what scares me. As I type this I'm smiling over the old A-Team show. Rough, tough MR. T... afriad to fly. Could beat anyone up...afraid to fly.
I have been [still somewhat am afraid] to let people know:
I write poems,
I take photos,
I used to play guitar,
I draw, sometimes...
but the thing is... there are times, when I've done any of these & it felt like Jesus walked into the room... sat down near me, ...& smiled. It gives me chills just to think about it. There are a lot of little "admittences" that I'm beginning to get used to. To allow myself to be fearful... & walk toward that fear. I was fearful to send deAnn my first poem, to comment to her blog, to send her my first picture. "she's gonna say: 'LOOK, jerk, quit wasting my time... Got it creep!" fyi -she's never said that. Not once.
I've grown up with this thought from my mom & I feel it from others at times. This feeling that I am "destined for greatness". I'm afraid of greatness. I've seen what greatness can do to an ego.
Doug Pinnick sings it so very well "...little do we really know, the river ego deep & wide..." [from the song: Human Behavior, by King's X]
The only time I loved it, other than with Jesus, [a man getting glory] was with Aragorn from Return of the King. Because he answers "I keep non for myself"

I like watching some TV & some movies. I've gotten amazing things just from trailers [the little adds in theaters about up coming movies].

Hancock is this self absorbed person with an amazing gift, a "reluctant superhero" ...or the "not-so-super" hero. One line grabs me from the trailer for this movie:

“You have a calling. You’re a hero, Hancock. You’re going to be miserable the rest of your life… until you except that”

so... all this long windedness... wonderfully typed "musings"...
are you miserable?
...could it be...
just maybe...
that you are not quite yet...
what you were born to be?
are you creative? have you used it lately?
what ever you do... that brings you & Him closer... please make time for that. You'll never look back & wish you hadn't.
I'm learning to say: "Brian is a creative person."
[you have no idea how badly I want to erase that... but whether I delete it or not... it's true]
I've just about had it screamed to me. I've tried learning to speak French, that phrase... is harder to say, than anything in French.
I'm also learning just how destructive it is let a week go by without using my gifts.
I've said this before, but it seems so much louder now... not being able to snap a few photos or write -for a week- ...I'd rather be dipped naked in rubbing alcohol, & drug slowly across a yard of razorblades.
It makes me a "not fun" person to be with.
Yeah, what if they laugh? what if they go "yuck!", or "I could do better than that!"
...I had a friend, who could draw [I've probably posted this before] he'd throw out his drawings.
I got up, walked over to the trash can, grabbed them out, & reverently flattened them back out. I walked, angrily over to him & said: "don't ever do that to my friend's art again. I don't CARE if you hate it. My friend can draw, he's awesome at it! ...if you want them thrown out... you'll have to do it when I'm not around -got it."
...I never even got letters in the mail without him drawing on the envelope, after that. [& I still have them]

I'm not sure how to end this... so I'll end this by "revisiting" something I talked about earlier.
I said I thought I knew what deAnn would say about my poem: "she's gonna say: 'LOOK, jerk, quit wasting my time... Got it creep!"
below is something she actually said to me...
"You have a voice. Your voice is no less valid than anyone elses. let it speak. don't let it be drowned out."

Don't let yourself be drowned out. You have a voice. Let it speak. Let Him use it. Yeah there are probably things that are pretty dark parts of your story... give them to Him. After all...
where do you think they got the idea for "extreme makeover", anyway?
[...and I'll try to "practice what I type"]

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