Friday, March 7, 2014

on loss [& songs of]

My thoughts go out to a friend tonight. He was pretty sure this would happen before the week ended. His mother died. This again takes me back to my earliest memory. My Mother loosing her Mom. When I was 4. Back to the Red Velvet Cake that is part of my only vague memory of her. [she made it for my birthday. And, in a little over a month, I'll have some for my b-day again] I'm not really sad. I am, however, pretty gone. I got 1 1/2 hours of sleep last night. So, after this I will be acting out a band name: "sleeping at last".
I've thought of writing on loss lately. So I think I'll do that a bit tonight. As I so enjoy music... I have music that speaks to me on loss. So I'll post them here.
While I do, I'll think of two people from/ connected to TWLOHA who lost a very close important friend over a year ago. I pray for them, on the 14th of each month, lately. Think of them... ask God to... "hug them for me". Maybe this post could comfort them. [they love music like me]
[kind of afraid to share this. Don't know if any of my family read this anymore.]
When I was 21... I lost a cousin, Heather. She was 17. Car accident. For whatever reason, songs from The Choir's Circle Slide disc seem to remind me of it...
Blue skies
Merciful Eyes Fav lines: "...Heaven come near, whisper the answer. did a dead man arise when she entered the room? did I smell love decaying, & call it perfume? Can a justified man, know the grave from the womb?..... Baby come close, sorry words spoken, Would the spirit of truth, make a liar understand. If I reach for the blue with my face in the sand. Can a justified slave call himself a free man? When I turn from your face, render mercy & grace, red blood rain, from the sky, God have merciful eyes..."
Restore My Soul
I call to you
With one lung exploded
From breathing the dust of the earth
With my tongue eroded
From licking the crust of the earth
A tear away from reconciled
A prayer away from whole
Restore my soul...

I cry to you
With two eardrums blistered
From laughing with preachers of night
With my vertebrae twisted
From dancing with creatures of night
A day away from sanctified
A breath away from whole
Restore my soul...

I crawl to you
With ten fingers smoking
From turning the pages of sin
With my spirit choking
From earning the wages of sin
A bridge away from justified
A step away from whole
Restore my soul... 

I remember when my Great Grandmother died as well. If she had lived another 3 weeks she would have been 106 yrs old. She spent the last week of her life in the hospital, her very first time in there, ever. It was a Sat. Mom read her favorite Bible verses to her. She then asked Mom: "I don't know what to do. Should I stay, or should I go?" Mom: "You should ask Jesus what he wants you to do. If he wants you to go home, then go home. If he wants you to stay, then you need to stay & do whatever he wants you to." We drove home from [Lititz?] the hospital... & there was a message for us from them. After listening to it I told Mom, "I guess Great Grandma beat us home."
One thing I remember when she would visit. After she was 101, she began to say, every time I saw her: "You know, this might be the last time you see me." Being myself, I get tired of saying the same things after a while, or hearing the same things. Over & over. So I finally replied: "Why do you say that? You DO believe in God, in Jesus & what he did for us...right? You believe you're going to heaven, right?" she  said yes. "...then we will ALWAYS see each other again. The only question is... how long will it be, between this time... & the next time." She totally loved this.
Sting - Why Should I cry for You? fav. lines: "...sometimes I see your face, stars seem to loose their place, ....why should I cry for you? why would you want me to? what would it mean to say: I have loved you in my fashion..."

When my Dad's Mother died it was hard. We got the sickening "opportunity" to decide when & what she died from. Let her go soon [i.e. less painful], or hold on & let her die a very painful way. So our choices were: sucks vs sucks even worse. Wow you shouldn't have. No. Seriously. Please don't ever do that again. If I want to feel that way again, I'll go into my kitchen, grab a knife & stab myself. It's faster.
We decide to go with "option #1",  by the way. It was either with Grandma Noll or Great Grandma that I began to no longer say good bye. I replaced that with: "I'll see you soon...sooner for you than for me, I'm afraid." When I would go to the funeral, I would thank God...for giving me the gift of a relationship with the one lost.
U2 - One Tree Hill "...I'll see you again, when the stars fall from the sky, & the moon has turned red, over one tree hill...  rainin' rainin' in your heart rainin' in your sea."
U2 - Where the streets have no name "...I wanna run. I want to hide. I wanna tear down the walls, that hold me inside. I wanna reach out, & touch the flame. Where the Streets Have No Name.....[from the live version on Rattle & Hum, the movie] Oh darlin' ...oh now darlin'... i wanna go there with you, yeah." [too many lyric lines to post all my fav parts]
U2 are four men who really have no idea how much they have meant to me. Just by writing & releasing songs. I carry their songs like a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. Or... a sword & a shield to do battle...often with myself. ["...I can't fight you anymore, it's you I'm fighting for..."] They help me to cry, & not be afraid or embarrassed to do so. Bono can break my heart with his voice. Vocal chords plucking heart strings. [not that they read this] Thanks guys. two small words to cover a dictionary of emotions, & thoughts.

Then, of course, there was the loss of Mare's twins. Mackenzie is 9 as of yesterday. [my oldest niece] That means that my nephews would have been 9 this year also.
Mom cried when I told her. And said: "My Momma will enjoy them till Mare gets there."
This where I am most thankful for U2. Mare had a tough year. So Walk On became my "song to her". [never really told her that] I've sang this one at the top of my lungs though a veil of tears so many times I've lost count. It's rare I get through it without some tears, honestly. I still remember 2 friends from church telling me "it's ok if you're mad at God." I told them: "I know God too well to be mad at him, but not well enough to know what he's doing." So it was cool last summer to have someone from Growth Group play a song by JJ Heller that seemed to be written from this quote of mine. I went back through all the previous songs during this time. I took long walks alone. Silence ...inside & out. There just weren't words that worked. Just some songs....
U2 - Walk On
"...and love, is not the easy thing, the only baggage, that you can bring, love, is not the easy thing, the only baggage you can bring, is, all that you can't, leave behind...[the "gets me every time" part:] and. if. your. glass. heart. should. crack. or for. a second. you turn back, oh no, be strong, oh, walk on, walk on, what you got, they can't deny it, can't sell it, or buy it, walk on, walk on...STAY SAFE TONIGHT. and I know it aches. & your. heart it breaks. you can only take. so much. walk on..."
JJ Heller - Who You Are "...sometimes life doesn't make any sense, full of wars & pain & accidents, we keep praying I don't know, I don't know, what your doing...but I know who you are. You have a father's heart, & a love that's wild...and you know what it's like, to loose....what it's like to loose a child...."

May you be comforted... when you feel like the world is either falling apart or trying to beat you down. Hold tight to those who will sit in your hell with you. Those who will bring "light into dark places, when all other lights, go out."
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
So for Jay...[and a few others, who, if they read this. will know who they are...j&r]
after all this, there's only one thing left to say...
May His grace drip from your fingers,

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