Wednesday, March 19, 2014

a thought today

Sometimes things just come gushing out. I'm hoping to pick up Gimme Shelter when it comes out on DVD. 
I liked it because of the people who come into Apple's [the main character's] life.
Today I was thinking of when her mother [June] visits her at the shelter. When June thinks no one is watching she begins berating Apple. Then she begins hitting her. Mostly just slapping her. Apple leaves the room & when June goes after her, the woman who runs the shelter, gets between them. "No. No. have to leave now. You should go. I've called the cops. If you don't want to go to jail, you should leave now." The woman, after closing the door & locking it, goes over to Apple. Who has started crying & slid to the floor. "It's ok now. I got you."

It's ok now. I'm here. I've got you. I'm not going to let anything happen to you.

This does not mean that nothing bad will ever happen to you again. It does not mean that you will never get hurt again. No.
The beauty of these statements is this: You will not have to go through stuff like this alone again. Because I'm going to go through it with you.  This is what love is. It's not a guarantee that you will never face darkness again. It's that you won't face it ALONE. It’s “having backup”. It's someone sitting in it with you. Someone willing to hurt… simply because they know you do. Someone choosing to hurt when you hurt.
This is good. …& it’s scary. We sometimes think that when we do something [say something, think something], we are only hurting ourselves. However, when someone loves us, we are hurting them too. Even if we “get away with it”. Even if no one saw it/knows we did it [said it/thought it]. This is a scary thing. This “being loved”. It means that eventually I need to take care of myself. I need to love myself. As odd as it may seem [as hypocritical as I feel writing this. I don’t do this very well, so I’m kind of writing this to me as much as I am allowing you to read it] As odd as it may seem, a part of loving God is healthily loving myself. I need to do it for Him, for my wife, for my parents, for my wife’s family, for my church, for my friends…
I don’t know what “this” [me being healthy] looks like for you.
For me? It means three squares a day [at least most days]. It means sleep. Good sleep, regular sleep. It means tunes. It means long walks roughly once a week. It means writing, Cnctema, cooking, & photography. It means people. It means hugs. [As I think of my “brothers” from group. Who first had to get me used to receiving them again. Then had to get used to me actually seeking them out to get one.]

You have to learn what your list is. This is mine. I think this is complete. Maybe it’ll change. I don’t know. I just know these things work. I have reminders all around me. Conversations, emails, some folks telling me what I write on here [& twitter, pinterest, tumblr, facebook] means something. Which is nice. I never know what to say back. I got an email that said about “bringing my creative self” somewhere. I thought I was creative, yet, as soon as I read that I recoil. “Am I really?” Now, they probably wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it.
I’m going to stop here, for now at least. And I’m going to end with an excerpt from the Story: To Write Love On Her Arms. [thanks Jamie]
"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. …

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."
– Jamie Tworkowski

May His grace drip from your fingers,

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