Tonight at growth group, I made this title the theme of our beginning time together. I quoted Pastor Brian from Sunday morning. At any given moment you have the power to say: "This is NOT how the story is going to End." Then played Gungor's This Is Not The End [live]. This seems like a fitting beginning to this post. While I am writing my story, what I share here is not in story form. It is subject headings. Naming it, while not being vulgarly descriptive. I don't believe I can really help anyone person or large group to navigate through this by myself. If you have similar "pages" in your story, I can sympathize with you. I can try to encourage you. However... to borrow from Coldplay, slightly, [I can't really] Fix You. Nice song, love it. I, myself, cannot fix anyone else. To be truthful, this is, to an extent, a "selfish" post. Pastor Steve spoke a week ago about our three lives. Public, private, & secret. I want my secret life to become smaller. Secrets... are a pain. I myself have posted over the last weeks/ month that when we keep secrets from those who care about us, we allow ourselves to excuse away the love being shown to us. I, myself, am tired of doing this. So I'm also attempting to live what I write here.
I should also point out that since I'm not telling any one of you personally, face to face, I'm not sure we can bump into each other & begin talking about/ unpacking what is said tonight. If you wish to do that we might want to pick an appropriate time & place to discuss this if we both deem it beneficial. [sufficiently redemptive]
From this point you may want to consider when, where, with whom you wish to read further. If you have been through a trauma you may want to come back to this post at some later date. As brief as it will be, it could still bring unwanted memories to the surface for you. To write something I told my therapist, it came to me the other day. I think it's by tweets I've read from Renee kicking around in my head.
This is an explanation of how I got to be this me, it's not a definition of who I am.
[This is pretty much the way I have always done it. For the handful of people who know the "short version" this will be familiar]
I was abused from the age of 5 to the age of 11.
[this way, I don't have to name them all]
You ask: Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually?
Me: Yes [meaning all of the above]
Oh, & no. My abuser was not either of my parents.
If you've been reading my blog you might ask:
Is this the person who shot you?
So... how old were you?
Though, thankfully, it was a bebe gun. as opposed to being clipped with
a 9mm round or hollow point. [or other "serious" projectile]
"This is NOT how the story is going to End."
So... not much else to say. I gotta try to catch up on some sleep. make sure I didn't forget anything. I'm ok by the way. I'll feel a bit better when I've posted & moved on. Still can't wait to sit with blank pages & write poems, hike, take photos, sit by the fire [& dream of snow & snowboarding. yep, I'm still weird], last but certainly not least Muddy dirt roads. [Off roading r us] 'nuff said!
ok... time for some songs. [I need a little of my own spin on TWLOHA's "heavy & light"]
Fix You - Coldplay "lights will guide you home, & ignite your bones"
[I can't fix you...but I can inspire you to change... for the better]
JJ Heller - Control
Switchfoot - Dare you to move
Krystal Meyers - Beauty of Grace
U2 - Grace "...grace makes beauty, out of ugly things..."
JJ Heller - Loved
Gungor - This is not the end
Enjoy the rest of this week. Live a great story. Embrace the weekend. Seek what brings you joy & peace. Be creative [it's fun... & people will wonder what your up to. me... i'm up to about 5'5" ;) ]
May His grace drip from your fingers,