forgiveness [...really?]

"unforgiveness is like waking up everyday, drinking poison. Hoping someone else will die." -unknown [Pastor Brian would probably know]

[you may want tissues for some of this]

Forgiveness is tough to talk about. Never mind where you draw the line... between "I forgive you" & [with heavy, dripping sarcasm] "oh, please do it to me again. Once just wasn't enough." [wow, I think I actually offended myself] I've had some interesting conversations about this after telling a few people about my past. I've also gone back & forth with it. You can't blame me, can you? I mean, he did some serious "stuff" to me. So how do you forgive someone like that? Honestly, I can't do it by myself. I'm not... big enough, strong enough, like Jesus enough... to pull this off.
I follow Jesus... I never said I was good at it.
In my story, there is much to forgive... & more than just one human [an abuser] to forgive at that. Turned out, forgiving myself takes a lot longer than forgiving him. Go figure. If you have been abused, you may not be at this stage yet. That's ok. Every story, every journey is different. Turns out God likes variety too. I have forgiven this man for all he took from me. We don't speak much. And, honestly, while my heart tries to forget... my body remembers. He was behind me in line for food once. He put his hands on my shoulders... & I almost killed him. It took every ounce of strength, to reign myself in from it. Some friends, well meaning though they are, want to kill him. For me.
Thing is, killing him ...doesn't erase what he did to me. Harder to swallow still, if you could erase what he did to me... Who would I be then? Renee Yohe is right: "you are not your story". However, your story is part of you. It is how you got to be this person. It is an explanation, yet it's not a definition. As I've said, I've forgiven him... & then been mad all over again, or hurt. As I write my story I relive much of it. Sometimes it comes close to re swallowing me whole.
"...you can surrender without a prayer, but never really pray...pray without surrender... you can fight, fight without ever winning, but never, ever win...win without a fight..." -Rush [from Resist, from the disc: Test for Echo]

"...used to be all I'd want, to learn...was wisdom, trust, & truth... but now all I really want, to learn, is forgiveness for you..." - Collective Soul [from Forgiveness, from the ironically titled disc: Disciplined Breakdown]

It's taken a long time to get to this point. Much of what is worth while is a struggle. A very long journey. That I don't want to be on some days. Yet... the best stories... are full of these gut wrenching moments. "all is lost" [or at the very least, misplaced] You have to keep going. Which is easier to say/type... than to live. I don't know if this post is... quite the way I'd hoped. I may revisit this over time.
I stumbled across a video that I thought did this topic so very well....
Forgiveness [a final journal entry]

to my abuser
I really don't know
what you were thinking.

Why you chose me
to...
"experiment on"
Like the video above
mentions
you eroded my trust
you made it hard
to trust anyone
[even God]
you made love
seem
like science fiction
you
made me
hate
me
you made me
hate being alive
you made me feel
like I was
not a person
but
an object
instead
a broken
worthless
object

I forgive you
and...
I have
a lot of people
who are
undoing
what you have done
this
is not the end
THIS
is only
the beginning
"what you
may have ment
for evil,
God will use
for good"
God
can do anything
he wants to
baby
he
ain't lost

b.e. noll

Well... I must go. get some sleep. hopefully, before this week is over, I'll breathe normally again.

May His grace
drip from your fingers.... [& perhaps love, mercy, & peace as well]
B

stumbling forward [or this isn't the end, either]

...well. I was hoping to be in a quite different frame of mind to write a followup to my previous post. However, life doesn't often follow the script we write for it. Does it? C'est la guerre. [pronounced "say lah g-air"] Or, to say it another way: "it is what it is". [and it's not what it's not] I'm a bit "under the weather". Which, in this case, is not simply a geographical statement. I did get to do all I'd hoped. I got to: hike [only 3 or 4 miles, but I got to hike], take photos [love fall photos], EAT [I won't need to eat again till Thurs.], We drove some "road not maintained" roads [even one we never get to drive on because it's usually closed -so awesome!], & wrote several poems. My buddy/brother, Rod, picked on me @ 1 point. "still doing your homework?". This was a major breakthrough for me. I never, until this trip, wrote with anyone in the room with me while I was writing. Well, anyone other than my wife anyway. 
While I may be humorous here, I haven't been ...as funny or fun as I was @ the cabin in... a very long time. I think I was in my late teens early 20's, the last time I was quite so "on it" with regard to humor. I think my Father & my Uncle have missed "this me". Everyone else was kind of like, "where did this come from?". Though there was some very heavy sarcasm. "It's a gift. It's a gift. I... don't talk about it much."  -I know, it's not really a spiritual gift, either. ..."well, if he's picking on me, @ least he's not picking on anyone else." -"don't bet on it, he's a multitask-er." I do think pretty fast on my feet. -may not be good thoughts, but I can think 'em up pretty fast. And looking for stuff... then finding it "right in front of you". ...[me] "yeah, we put it out in plain sight. Nobody'll EVER look for it there." [thus my thought that we should just learn to "low-jack" everything. Of course...if you forget the password to the program that links all your low-jacked stuff, well... I guess your "hosed", then, huh?]
Did I mention that I did want to write a serious post? It's the thought that counts, that's why I think a lot. Have I also mentioned that I'm also ambidextrous? I can make mistakes with both hands. Actually, ...when I was quite small, a little known fact... I had no dominant hand. This is to say that I literally switched hands every time I did something repetitive. Like eat. I'd use my left hand, set the fork down, then switch to my right hand for the very next bite. My Dad had hopes that I would become the first major league
ambidextrous pitcher. [This did not happen. -I know, "thank you Captain Obvious"]

Ok, since I can't really get serious tonight. I'm going to sign off. I just wanted to break the silence. The heaviness. I didn't... I don't want darkness to be the end. I want a better ending. I guess... I'm just gonna fight... till I get one.
and be encouraged by other stories till then.
Unconditional
October Baby  [if you watch this, watch the bonus features. It'll really get you.]
oh... & now I have two true stories to be anxiously waiting for...
Ragamuffin
[& Day One]
anyway, must go...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

This is not the end

Tonight at growth group, I made this title the theme of our beginning time together. I quoted Pastor Brian from Sunday morning.  At any given moment you have the power to say: "This is NOT how the story is going to End." Then played Gungor's This Is Not The End [live]. This seems like a fitting beginning to this post. While I am writing my story, what I share here is not in story form. It is subject headings. Naming it, while not being vulgarly descriptive. I don't believe I can really help anyone person or large group to navigate through this by myself. If you have similar "pages" in your story, I can sympathize with you. I can try to encourage you. However... to borrow from Coldplay, slightly, [I can't really] Fix You. Nice song, love it. I, myself, cannot fix anyone else. To be truthful, this is, to an extent, a "selfish" post. Pastor Steve spoke a week ago about our three lives. Public, private, & secret. I want my secret life to become smaller. Secrets... are a pain. I myself have posted over the last weeks/ month that when we keep secrets from those who care about us, we allow ourselves to excuse away the love being shown to us. I, myself, am tired of doing this. So I'm also attempting to live what I write here.
I should also point out that since I'm not telling any one of you personally, face to face, I'm not sure we can bump into each other & begin talking about/ unpacking what is said tonight. If you wish to do that we might want to pick an appropriate time & place to discuss this if we both deem it beneficial. [sufficiently redemptive]
From this point you may want to consider when, where, with whom you wish to read further. If you have been through a trauma you may want to come back to this post at some later date. As brief as it will be, it could still bring unwanted memories to the surface for you. To write something I told my therapist, it came to me the other day. I think it's by tweets I've read from Renee kicking around in my head.
This is an explanation of how I got to be this me, it's not a definition of who I am.








[This is pretty much the way I have always done it. For the handful of people who know the "short version" this will be familiar]
I was abused from the age of 5 to the age of 11.
[this way, I don't have to name them all]
You ask: Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually?
Me: Yes [meaning all of the above]
Oh, & no. My abuser was not either of my parents.
If you've been reading my blog you might ask:
Is this the person who shot you?
Yes
So... how old were you?
10.
Though, thankfully, it was a bebe gun. as opposed to being clipped with a 9mm round or hollow point. [or other "serious" projectile]

again...
"This is NOT how the story is going to End."

So... not much else to say. I gotta try to catch up on some sleep. make sure I didn't forget anything. I'm ok by the way. I'll feel a bit better when I've posted & moved on. Still can't wait to sit with blank pages & write poems, hike, take photos, sit by the fire [& dream of snow & snowboarding. yep, I'm still weird], last but certainly not least Muddy dirt roads. [Off roading r us] 'nuff said!
ok... time for some songs. [I need a little of my own spin on TWLOHA's "heavy & light"]
Fix You - Coldplay  "lights will guide you home, & ignite your bones"
[I can't fix you...but I can inspire you to change... for the better]
JJ Heller - Control
Switchfoot - Dare you to move
Krystal Meyers - Beauty of Grace
U2 - Grace    "...grace makes beauty, out of ugly things..."
JJ Heller - Loved
Gungor - This is not the end

Enjoy the rest of this week. Live a great story. Embrace the weekend. Seek what brings you joy & peace. Be creative [it's fun... & people will wonder what your up to. me... i'm up to about 5'5" ;) ]
and...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

People need other people

I'm moments away from "locked & loaded" for Thurs. I leave after work, probably not immediately. However, I'm pretty well ready. A few strategical packing choices left tonight, then fini. If I "go through with my plan" on here, I'll do it tomorrow. Don't think I'll have time Thurs. 
Meanwhile TWLOHA has asked "What does People need other people mean to you?"

Be... & Breathe
If I sit in ashes,

I don't sit alone

if it feels

like

my heart

has swallowed a hand-grenade

someone will help

find
& pick up

the pieces

someone will kneel

down next to me

in the silent

undoneness

of my life

we don't have to speak

they know

they don't have
to say a word

they just need

to be

& breathe

next to me

knowing that,

hearing them,

makes a difference

 

we don't always need answers

we don't always need a song

we don't always need a book

we just need

each other

someone

to be with us

no matter what

people

need other people.

by b.e. noll


I'm loving this song: JJ Heller - If You Fall
"You are a house that’s broken down
You are a house that’s burning
And everything in me wants to run
But that’s not love

If you fall, I fall with you
If you hurt I feel it too
Even if my heart turns black and blue
I will love you..."
 
...see, TWLOHA isn't just a non-profit... it's kind of the answer to their own question.  What does People need other people mean? ...it means having someone to write love on your arms.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

days to go, till I'm off in the woods

First, just a heads up. I will be "off the grid" from Thurs. to Sun. my growth group brothers & I will be headed to the cabin. This will hopefully [usually is] be a recharge for my low battery. Hiking, hanging out, relaxing by the fire. A slight sadness, will go with me. First time back to the cabin since Uncle John Williams passed. He owned it when I was young. So many memories. We've gone there off & on since I was... oh my, 8? 10? Only good memories up there. Now, with my growth group, including my Brother-in-law, & my Uncle John Noll [who owns it now] going up there... it's like a "heaven teaser". I can write a little, go down by the creek a little, photograph a little. Mmmmmm... only three days left.

As I wrestle with writing my story, as I write poems... I am writing a draft for a post, that I'm not sure I want to put on here. I'm feeling more & more like it's the only way to freely write on here in the future. So a battle begins....
...and a poem is born.

feels like good-bye

I sit here

writing the "preface"

to a subject

I don't like to share

a part of me

that is painful

to see

What do I say?

doesn't matter

so much will
still be left

unsaid

yet

once I post it

it'll still

feel

like good-bye

watching the door

waiting to see
you walk out

through it

never to be seen
again

It doesn't
have to be true

to feel like it is

yet

even though

this is always the feeling
when telling this

it hasn't

always

been what happened....
by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

just a poem today

Inspired during writing an email. Partly from the talk this morning...

an ending of light

It's so hard to believe
that a dark story can be given
an "ending of light".
...yet it is so very necessary

one story

of darkness

being overtaken

by light
can give rise to
so many others

it can help others to keep pressing forward

in hopes

that their story, too

can be rescued by light
by b.e. noll

some words on the other night

ENCOUNTER was great. I LOVED that we got to have the younger worship bands lead us. Pulse & Fusion bands brought back memories of the youth group I was in. [though we weren't lucky enough to ever have a drummer. Drummers are awesome. Just sayin'] Enjoyed meeting my "partner in crime", photography wise. I had family & friends there silently cheering me on. A friend [/family friend/ sister] Shirley came over to me, "Can I see it?". "um...please define 'it' for me?". "The camera, silly.". "Oh, ok, ...this button, calls NASA." She rolls her eyes, & chuckles. I also enjoyed the prayer times we had. Adults praying for the different age groups in the room. The best was that in the end they asked the adults to stand, allowing the children to pray for them. TOO COOL. I wanted to walk over & pray for one of our pastors, even though it would have elicited a joke. There's no way I'm young enough to be his kid, and we both like jokes. Yet, if I wasn't taking pictures, I would have.

I made it most of the way through no problem. Yet, by the end, I was feeling physically sick & a bit trapped there. The one, kind of leads to the other pretty fluidly for me. So, at the end I just sat. Praying for & trying to design my exit. While still enjoying the music. And the fact that all the bands went up on stage & sang the last 3 songs.
The... dark pages of my story have feelings of being trapped in them. So that feeling really makes me want to be alone in wide open spaces. Preferably invisible to the naked eye. Thankfully my photography partner came, & offered to take the camera back to the gentleman who lent it to me. One less thing to do before I leave. I tried not to appear overly thankful. Even though I very much was. I was sore as I was leaving. Similar to, yet, not nearly as bad as when I almost got electrocuted. [fyi, "boring" is not a word used to describe my life. "eventful" however...] I have to go through my photos to see if I really like any. I came home & kind of fell apart. A "Just everything" kind of meltdown. The photos look like anyone with a pulse could have taken them. So, bummed & feeling bad, I ended up going to bed. Yeah, I'm probably the worst critic there is. Not to mention very double standard. If you had taken some I'd love them, I'm not as critical of others as I am of me. Guess I'm my best frenemy. [there's a t-shirt waiting to happen, huh? could sell it @ cynical.com]
So, I guess I'll sign off for now. Still not feeling the best. I'll try to post a few photos from the event later on.
Oh. One last thing. As we were asked to pray for the younger ones among us last night. [I'll let you look up the sobering stats yourself.] I'd just like to say as we pray for them. Pray for those who will [or have] gone through rough experiences. Abuse, abandonment, loosing a parent [in any way], depression... pray for them that they will find people who will reflect the love God has for us. People they can feel safe with. People they can trust to "let in" on their secret. That with God, telling him what we don't want to say... is a really good way to draw closer to him.
May His Grace drip from your fingers,
B

Well... I doubt I'll be online tomorrow. LW has ENCOUNTER. A... "themed worship experience." I don't know how else to describe it. This one will be "many ages 1 voice". So every worship band they have will be playing. From 56 band [made up of 5th & 6th graders] all the way up to the Sunday morning worship team & the Choir. Good? they're ALWAYS good. Can not wait. If I can get things to line up right, I'll be helping to photograph the event. Using a camera I haven't ever used before. Nervous? [shaking] who me? nah.

Don't think I'll post much else here tonight. Though, I just saw a new trailer for
THE HOBBIT: The Desolation of Smaug [1st trailer]
Several things pop out at me with just this trailer.
Tauriel: "When did we allow evil to become stronger than us?" 
Somehow this speaks of an unwillingness to fight/ rage against it. An unwillingness to bring it into the light. [evil, that is] I also like her defiance of it. Her willingness to engage against it.
Legolas: "It is not our fight."
Tauriel: "It IS our fight." 
this seems like it ought to be a TWLOHA shirt. It's so easy to let others fight for someone. Rather than getting involved ourselves. To see a struggle... & only to see it. rather than to risk stepping into it. So we can aide the correct side... in winning.
...

Radagast the Brown: "What if it's a trap?"
Gandalf the Grey: "It's... undoubtedly... a trap."
...and then there is the realization that getting involved may mean stepping into a minefield. It might mean the unthinkable. Stepping into a train wreck. On purpose. Why would anyone, willingly do that? People matter, everything else can be arranged.
New Trailer
While there are other reasons why I like these Tolkien films. There are two running themes that grab me the most.
1. As a post on TWLOHA [& a shirt from there] says: People need other people. I get to see the characters grow to respect & help each other. Celebrate together, laugh together, cry together, stand in fear together, journey together. I get a reminder that no one really makes it alone. this dovetails with the second...
2. I have often remarked that Lord of the Rings is "The Journey of Faith". It is long. Sometimes, you don't want to keep going. Thankfully, hopefully, you have some people who help you to keep going anyway. In spite of your inadequacies.
Blessings. Enjoy those in your "company", who walk with you through the storms.
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

For Jodi, Aunt Shirley, Aunt Kim, Lisa... [Renee, & Jamie...]

Sorry to quickly change direction from earlier. 2 quick things & then a few words & a poem. 1, somehow I got an envelope in the mail the other day. Not a letter, or a return address... just an envelope. Which had box tops in it. Postmarked from Phoenix, Az. Um... thanks. [not really sure what else to say. Not knowing who it's from]
2, I have an interesting opportunity on Friday. I'm being lent a DSLR camera to take photos for LW [church]. So I'm slightly nervous, I want to serve them well. Otherwise, this is going to be like Heaven/ Christmas morning for me. "More fun than 1 person should legally be allowed to have in a 24hr period." So, for those attending ENCOUNTER Fri. if I ignore you while holding this camera, I'm just concentrating, on being present in the moment. Please don't be offended. Hopefully I won't get too lost in the worship. Which is what usually happens.
Oh, and 3, I have reached the end of an era. Mom's grand piano is leaving her house tomorrow. She played it for me tonight. 1 last time. Oh the memories. Such good ones. When I was little, I used to play underneath it while she played it. I loved listening to her play. At home, at church. I'd go with her to choir practice. Play with matchbox cars in the isles & on the pews while they rehearsed. I even, as I got older, got to help Grandpa [her Dad] string a few pianos. We replaced the bass strings on the "upright" at Warwick Junior High [where I attended for only 1 year, before moving to York]. I get my "ear for sound" from Grandpa, through Mom. He tuned pianos by ear, & sang in quartets. I still remember playing guitar in the basement, playing "moveable chords" from Yes' Starship Trooper song. Right when Rick Wakeman would come in & solo on the studio version, Mom had snuck to the piano & soloed over the chords I was playing. I'll never forget that! I didn't want our 'jam" to end, but I got too excited to keep it going. We both had such a laugh.

Ahh... from laughter to sadness. Briefly. Those listed above, have lost someone. The first four are related to me. I might have posted that we [The Noll family] lost my Uncle John Williams in Aug. Thus naming my cousin Jodi & my Aunt Shirley. This week, Aunt Kim lost her Mother [Lisa's  Grandmother]. I've been playing with a title for a poem for a little. So here is the latest string of words for this title.

The Other Side of the Door

It hurts

To see you go

To know

You’ve left

I know

That it is easier

For me to loose you

Than for you

To loose me

It still hurts

Though

Even

After years

The wound

Has healed

But you can still

See the scar

Yet

I have learned

Not to say good-bye

Not that good-bye

Isn’t appropriate

It’s just

I know

That I will see you again

In a land

Where good-bye

Is obsolete

A land

Where that

Will never be spoken

I’ll see you again

Soon

[sooner for you

than for me, I’m afraid]

I can’t wait

Keep each other company

Till I get there

[enjoy

my nephews

can’t wait to meet them]

Till then

I’ll have the

Memories

I’ll keep them with me

Till

Our last hello

On the other side

Of the door 

by b.e. noll

songs that have ...traveled this road with me.
U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name [a fav version. with a tag line for me to Mick... "...oh darlin' oh now darlin' I wanna go there with you"]
U2 One Tree Hill  ["... I'll see you again, when the stars fall from the sky, & the moon, has turned red, over one tree hill..."] 
oh... for the curious. Renee & Jamie are 2 cool people that I, well know of. We've never really hung out. They have inspired me a lot. They lost someone very dear last year.

grace, rest, peace, &
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

to continue...

I "got bit" by some powerful memories the other day. Guess that's the occupational hazard of writing a story that has it's dark moments. You have to be careful. Nothing like having your own mind be a mine field. I'll live. I know I'm moving forward. Not only will I live, I'm actually liking the idea. This isn't new, like right now new. However... it's not as old...as maybe it should be. No matter, I've become a sucker for redemption stories. No matter how long it takes to get to the "good part".
Though...I am thankful for the people who help me along. Very True... "People need other people" [thanks TWLOHA] I'm glad for each of mine. New & old.
I'll post more later...

Unspoken

I just can't talk tonight.

The words just run away tonight.

How can this be?

To have so much to say

And have

All the words

Stolen away

To stretch fingers

Across keyboard

They fall

Stumbling to press

The right keys

Fumbling for

Words that aren’t there

So

Then what?

Just

Because

The words won’t come

Today

Doesn’t mean

That they won’t come

Ever

Sometimes

I guess

I just

Need to keep trying

To put the words to paper

To keyboard

Till the right words

Find their way

a couple of poems for now

While I work on a post that is a bit uncomfortable. I thought I would share some poems that came to me over the past few days. One friend may recognize some of the words from a very short email I sent. [some of these came during that email]

A Deep Forever

This

Is what I need

What I want

Is “safe love”

Safe, shallow, small

Fake plastic, love

Because it can be

Dismissed easily

What I need is

Love

Unbound

A love that not

Only

Is willing to die

For me

He already

Did

That’s what I need

I need it

So bad

I can taste it

A love so big

I can get lost

Inside it

I can

Drown in it

Be swallowed up

By it

A love

That

-to my foes

To the voices in my

Head

Is a ferocious

Roaring lion

It is nice

To know

I am not alone

My cries

Are heard

To borrow from

Jamie Tworkowski

I have people

[& people need other people]

I am not one…

WE ARE

Still Here

[1^st version]

I feel

Like we haven’t talked

For quite a while

I want to say something

Something you need to hear

I

Just don’t know what that is

What words to string together

So

I feel

Like I’ve failed you

I haven’t

It sure feels like I have

Though

I guess

The truth is

I haven’t failed you

And

I’m not your hero

Either

Only one

Can be

So

Since I do not know

What to say to you

I’ll talk to him

Because

He knows

What I want to convey

Maybe

He can whisper

What words cannot say

Maybe he

Can help you know

I’m not going to get in the way

I’m not going to go away

Or stop praying

For you

Maybe

That

Can be

Enough

At least for now

so i had a bad day...after a good one

My drive yesterday was wonderful. So much so I missed a turn. Yet I recovered quickly. An accident on I-83, caused Mick & I to meet for supper like we were dating again. Great meal. Didn't do much so I couldn't eat it all. Wonderful growth group night. Mick could join us as we had Mike & Terri McComb speaking about what's going on in Guatemala. Contemplating actually going. Though I'm not sure how I could help them at all. Some days seem like God designed them to "make up for" other days.

So, yes, today stunk out loud. Not sure why, exactly. But it did so in such splendid fashion. Couple of hours in & I was pretty much thinking of the old high school saying:
"due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled". Label me "not a fan". What didn't help was [for lack of a better term] "old voices". You know them quite well, don't you?
In the midst of all the craziness, feeling inadequate for...just about anything. Which seems to only make a day worse. Guess that follows the "as a man thinks in his heart so is he." [Prov. 23:7] Which lead to songs I've posted somewhere before. Van Morrison's Days Like This, & U2's Some days are better than others.

Despite my feelings of worthlessness, a line came into my head & just would not leave. It makes me think of Laura Barton's blog post over on TWLOHA. And that's where this poem came from.

The Final Band Aide
had
numbers
on it
like several
before it
morphed into
a heart shape
stupid
and I was told so
many times
what they
-perhaps you
did not know
is that when my skin
gets cracked
[& even at times
when it doesn't]
I pick at it
tearing away
at me
till it bleeds
one more way
to be a freak show
so
some where
some how
I have been carrying
those numbers
with me for years
so I could discover
an out
so every
band aide
for a month
or more
had that
not for you
silly
for me
to remind me
He cares
He sees
He's here
with me
147:3
so simple
short & sweet
thanks
Jesu
I needed
[I still need]
to carry this
with me
[it helped so very much]
by b.e. noll

"He heals the broken hearted & binds up their wounds"
- Psalm 147:3
I've been kicking around the idea that on March first I might wear a sort of homemade band aide bracelet with that on it.

Thinking about our uniqueness. [might have to repost that poem sometime]
This song came to mind. One of my all time favorite Rush songs...
Entre Nous

have a great one,
B

a sort of prelude

I'm still thinking about stories. Our stories. The stories we allow to be part of our lives. Fictional or non-fictional. I've begun a few poems. Not necessarily safe, warm, "fuzzy" poems. Stories that are not any one actual person's story, though they are made up of pieces of actual people's stories. Maybe this is my way of easing into a more shared version of my own story.
I'll try to post one or two tomorrow or Thurs.
I have an extra early day tomorrow. I'm delivering to Delaware again. [my Uncle's place]
So I'm hitting the road early. 
take care,
enjoy the day,
live your story,
B

[if you could channel surf on a blog...]

Pastor Steve spoke yesterday. He said a phrase that he's said many times before. "If you are better tomorrow than you were today, God won't love you any more. And if you are worse tomorrow than you were today, God won't love you any less, because God loves you to the maximum." I really enjoy this quote.... I really need this quote. It's easy to hear. Easy to like. Yet it's hard to live day to day like you actually believe that it's true. My head knows it. Yet the thought fades rather quickly. He went on to speak of "barrels of love" being poured over him at one point in his story. Which got pen flurrying over paper...

Your Love
Your love
washes over me
like a mighty ocean
crashing
onto my rocky shore
slowly wearing away
eroding my rocky exterior
smoothing the rough eadges
pulling the excess
sand into you
the stuff
I have too much of
changing
my intellectual, emotional, spiritual
landscape
as your waves of love
wash me
into another
of your exquisit
works of art.

Sunday was great. In case you missed it, & would like to hear...

Though, I didn't get to be with Mick as much as I planned. I felt sick off & on. Fri night & Sat morning. I didn't go into full fledged "BRAT diet" mode. I did have a banana, which makes me think of Despicable Me. 
Her sister sent one of her homemade cards. I love that she does this. [thanks Mel, they are always cool]
Oh, for those of you not familiar with the Brat diet. mom & I have trouble with our stomachs from time to time. So this seems to work better than anything else for us. B.R.A.T. Banana, Rice, Applesauce, & Toast. I usually start with toast, Mom usually starts with Rice Crispies [no milk].
Saturday afternoon I seemed to rebound & we got to run around together. Sunday, for some reason I had a bit of trouble breathing in church. So I had to move to the coffee bar. Which seemed to help. [not sure what all that was about] Thankfully that is a rare occurrence.
Well, since I seem to be in a switching gears throughout mode....

This is the casualty of the storm that rolled through York today. Mick's mums fell over & the pot cracked. Which reminded me of something that seemed to make it's way into my head a few weeks ago. I think I posted it, perhaps not. So if I did sorry [I know, in the dictionary under redundant it says: "see redundant"] We are are cracked. The patterns may be different, yet we are all cracked. And the cracks are all the same depth. We can't "hold water till someone fixes the cracks. Bono sings "...Some people get squashed, crossing the tracks, some people got high rises on their backs, I'm not broke, but you can, see the cracks, You can make me perfect again, all because of You, ...I AM...."
I have this friend. Kind of a new..."er" friend. Who's been praying with me for some of the friends I've mentioned. We somehow got to talking about this blog, the fact that I write, & somewhere in the middle she asks me if I write stories. I've thought about it. I have a few vague ideas floating around in the ether. Then somehow writing my story came into the conversation. Well, I've been writing it. It's strange, which is kind of easy to be. A lot of my poems are "stream of consciousness" writing. They come out pretty much done. I rarely go back & tweak them. THIS, however, is a totally different animal. I've resigned myself to the probability that it will come out as a jumbled mess. So much so that when [if?] it's ever finished just for my own sanity I'll have to, at the very least, cut & paste it together into some semblance of the timeline it occurred in. Which is fine. To allow myself the complete freedom to get it out at all, I refuse to publish it. At least in this first, raw, terrible form. I think it's too graphic to put "out there". A more "redemptive" form may present itself at some point. The emotions are, well, every one you can think of. At points it is re-living it. At points I have to "come up for air". Which means looking up & realizing what year I am actually in. What place I am in in reality. Some days I write pages. Some days I write 1 to 3 sentences. All of which seems to allow me to go to the "edge of the cliff" without going over & getting lost. If I may say so, this is the strangest journey God has gone on with me yet. So we'll see where this leads. I've written at least 10 poems to this person, about not sharing my story. She seems excited to read it. [which I cannot figure out for the life of me why, it's so not: tame/pretty/clean] However, in the midst of writing those poems... I've been writing a few to myself, I guess. That seem to suggest that at some point I should share my story, somehow. In some form. I've told some things about myself. And as time goes on, I may share short stories from parts of my life. Though I will avoid the darkest part for now, at least.
So here is [after all that long winded-ness] one of the poems I wrote to a friend who wants to read my story...
[untitled. or why not, or why share?]
I know
you would like me
to share
to put my story
out there
the exposure to
day light
has it's merrits
I know
I've been glad
to hear others
stories
no matter how
dark
parts of them
are

my story
tells explanations
of idiosyncrasies
yet it's not who I am
it's how I got to be
this person
so it's not a definition
by any means
you do need a life
outside of your
past story
and the labels
it thrusts upon you
I'm not sure
the redemption
chapters
have been written
yet
so I don't have
a "resolution" to it
so...why share? 
do we need anything
more
that is devoid
of hope?
no
so I haven't
now you know
why not.

The sky tonight.

to distract me

This poem just sort of fell onto the page. I got on here to distract myself from the  disgusting way my stomach feels tonight. I thought Mick & I might go out for breakfast tomorrow, however I may be just stuck on the brat diet. Lovely. I don't need to feel Mildly fantastic tomorrow... better than this would be quite nice though. Well, I believe I'm going to be donning my "tech support" hat here in a few. Mick needs help with pictures. Then I'll hopefully sleep my way to feeling better.

 

Don't feel good

I lie awake

on the floor

feeling beneath it somehow

yet this feeling
isn't true

I'm in a much better place

than this

even if

my stomach

doesn't agree

so glad
that I'm no longer living

in the dark corners

poisoned

by lies I was told

by actions

that break down

who you could be

to keep you from getting there

I won't be kept

from

who I was meant to be
by b.e. noll

about story

Don't know if I'll post much over this weekend. If I do it'll be at weird times. Celebrating my girl. Her birthday is next Wed. Celebrating who she is & how she's made. Been thinking of love songs and such. Just the way you are by Billy Joel, The Way I am by Ingrid Michaelson, In your Eyes by Peter Gabriel, All I want is You by U2, Born by Over the Rhine, etc.

Got to talking with some people the other day. Talking about story. When have you ever watched, read, listened to a story where nothing bad happened? Can that even be a story? The stories we enjoy are stories where something bad happened. It changed the whole landscape. "Will it ever get better? ...will the darkness ever end? ...will the pain ever go away? ...will I ever be whole? ...can I be loved...now? ...can good come out of this?" These questions & others drive us to persevere to the end. To find out how the story ends. We do this in the hope that a story will give us the courage to keep fighting... for our own story to resolve well. To hopefully inspire others to bravery in their story. In their struggle. Because they listened to our story. Which might help our story to have been worth surviving. It is...I don't think that ends up being the only reason. It's ok for a start, though. I love watching, reading, hearing stories like these.
This doesn't make telling your story any easier. Though we don't cheer for people who do what's easy. Do we?
I want to say more... but for now the words won't come...

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

stuff

You know... it's nice to have people you can "let your hair" down with. You can be "the real you" with. You know, the gloves are off [good or bad as that can be]. "You uncensored". All your colors out there to see. Hope you have a few. People who are pulling for you. I got to briefly share with a couple of guys tonight why praying for a few people pulls at my heart strings. They calmly listened. Feels kind of like the air smells just before it rains.
Sometimes we are all a bit too private for our own good. Was listening to earphones this morning when I heard these sad, yet hopeful words of struggle to be helpful:
"...Press my nose
up, to the glass
around your heart
I should've known
I was weaker
from the start,
You'll build your walls
and I will play
my bloody part
To tear,
tear them down,
Well I'm gonna tear,
tear them down..."
-Babel by Mumford & Sons [from the disc Babel]
I need to get some sleep. I know I've been posting links to stuff a lot lately. Here are a few more...
a new & good blog post from twloha: Finally Recognized
time to laugh: Tim Hawkins "The Chick-fil-a song"  [sorry if I posted this before]
Mr. Hawkins... thanks for the laughs. They are needed.
bohemian rhapsody by the muppets

Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am [thanks to my Babe & her sister Mare for this]
King's X - Dream in my Life
King's X - I just want to live

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B