silence
so loud
then the solemn bells rang
measuring
silence
and the hole
that is left in us
like loosing a limb
you learn
to live without
you never learn
to like it


Dearest Jesu,
I pray that you will create for Newtown the same indescribable peace you created for me. When She lost twins. You gave me a new perspective on "the peace that passes understanding". It felt like walking into a wall of water. I felt drenched in your grace. Like I was swimming in it. When I left that hospital room... somewhere down the hall I felt like I walked out of that "wall of water", & yet... like your grace was dripping off of me, off the end of my fingers & oozing into the walls & the floor. To seek out others who need it. I pray that grace descends on Newtown. That they would feel your peace filling the streets.  That you would be felt there, in their midst. Watching over them, comforting them, holding them.

As we celebrate your birthday, I pray that we will be thankful ...
for you coming to change the world forever
for those people you have allowed to walk or be born into our lives
that we will see again, the people we wish would fill the empty chairs around our tables
for families
both that we are born into
and the ones
who have elected us into their fold

personally,
thanks for my families,
for Living Word,
growth group
that LW's kindness
is matched by their giving hearts

I've heard so many vigils & random acts of kindness that are going on. Today, as I listened to Christmas carols at work, & thought of the solemn bells that will ring this Fri. makes me want to call in a request to play a Christmas song or two around the time of, or shortly after the bells toll.
Ring Christmas Bells - Ray Conniff
Prince of Peace - Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Oh Holy Night - Harry Connick Jr.
Cry of a Tiny Babe - Bruce Cockburn
and casting crowns version of I heard the bells on Christmas day
[fav. line: "redemption rips through the surface of time, in the cry of a tiny babe..."]
In the First light - Glad

Ring Christmas bells, merrily ring, 
Tell all the world Jesus is King.
Loudly procalim with one accord 
The happy tale, Welcome the Lord.

Ring Christmas bells, sound far and near 
The birthday of Jesus is here.
Herald the news to young and old,
Tell it to all in every tongue.

Ring Christmas bells, tell loud and long 
Your message sweet, peal and prolong,
Come all ye people, join in the singing,
Repeat the story told by the ringing.

Ring Christmas bells, through out the earth
Tell the glad news of Jesus' birth,
Loudly proclaim with one accord 
The happy tale, Welcome the Lord.

"This will be our reply to violence: to make music more intensely, more beautifully, more devotedly than ever before." - Leonard Bernstein
[quoted from twitter, by @theStOlafChoir, via @bellasoul]

the story above is where my sign off came from...
 May His grace drip from your fingers,
  B

[I posted about the loss a long while ago here.  if your curious]

I heard...

"...I heard the bells
on Christmas
day
their old
familiar carols
play
wild and sweet
the words repeat
of peace on Earth
good-will to men...
...and
in despair
i bowed my head
there is no peace
on Earth
I said
hate is strong
and mocks the song
of peace on Earth
good-will to men
...
Then pealed
the bells
more loud and deep:
"God is not dead,
nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth,
good-will to men."
-from the poem/song "I heard the Bells on Christmas day"
I kept listening to this today after hearing the news from Connecticut, a version by Casting Crowns
the story of the song is here

A dark day, of a bright season
I heard the news ring out
today
someone else
killed kids today
while part of me
can't wait to see
The Hobbit
tomorrow
after the news
today
I can't wait
for The Return of the King
And as the news sinks in
and hurts
from core
to skin
How do we explain
to kids
what we don't understand
"smart people"
will try to tell me why
part of me
doesn't wanna understand
the rational
of killing fellow man
a high school friend's
t-shirt flashes cross
my memory's movie screen
"save the humans"
a whale pickets
can't we occupy
decency?
love?
how
oh great
and High King-God
do we reach
those who could do this next?
how do we rescue them
so we don't need rescued from them?
when will you come
again?
we need you
to come
to tell tanks
their job is being phased out
to put death
out of business
...
days like today
I long
to see Death
at the unemployment office
"sorry, sir
you benefits
are being denied"
[with heavy heart,
while holding onto the end of The Book]
b.e. noll








Jesu, at times like this.... I really do wonder
how long [lyrics]

My friend Byron posted a link on his facebook page of sad songs at Christmas.
Snow Angels by Over the Rhine




...so many thoughts about today. On a personal note, I was hoping for a phone call about a job...that never came. I felt really bummed about my day & myself... until the news came... & washed my "personal hiccup" away.
Neal Morse does a great job of sharing darkness in his "story albums". Yet, he never ends them in the darkness.
So, if you don't mind, I'd like to do the same...
Over the Rhine - New Redemption song
This post is mostly about a random act of violence...so, as I posted on facebook, I'll end this post with a random act in the opposite direction...

not so unexpected [@ least for me]

Yes, I am excited that next Sat. I will be in a movie theater watching The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey [which I am now told is part 1 of 3]. Keeping with the previous film adaptations of J.R.R. Tolkien's [John Ronald Reuel Tolkien's] beloved stories of Middle-earth. I'm told it clocks in @ 3hrs, 9min. I've enjoyed the book, so the length of the movie seems to suggest they won't leave anything to the "wish that was in the movie" category. I'm glad that they only added 1 actor who plays a character from Lord of the Rings trilogy who wasn't in that trilogy. Mr. Freeman seems to fit nicely as "the Young Bilbo Baggins". So if you want to O.D. on trailers for the film go on youtube [I think they're up to "TV spot # 9" now] & you can watch 30 min. of trailers for the film.
I wanted to embed a trailer or 2 but, alas, I'll have to settle for linking to them.

The Hobbit [trailer 1]
The Hobbit [trailer 2]
A fan edited 7 min. trailer featuring both previous ones & TV trailers together

One of my favorite dialogue moments is in the first trailer.
It seems true to life,
at least to me.
Gandalf:
"You'll have a tale or 2 to tell when you get back."
Bilbo:
"Can you promise that I will come back?"
Gandalf:
"No...    ...but if you do... you will not be the same."

try to enjoy the journey,
wherever it leads.
And follow the greatest leader.
b.e. noll

inspiration from LW today.

I had mixed feelings from the life story that a man named George gave this morning. I have felt as he described. Not wanting to get out of bed. Wanting to die. Every day, for months on end. I felt that way in 1990-91. I went to bed praying to God that he would, at least kill me. [my exact words were: "I'm going to close my eyes now. Please don't let them open again... ever." every morning I'd open them "____, I'm still here"] Yet as the days wore on I prayed for God to "un-make" me. So that I wouldn't simply stop living... rather, never to have lived at all.
...yet, if you read this blog... if you enjoy my poems... you should be thankful for those dark days. For shortly thereafter, is when my poetic writings began. That was when I began to seek solitude on Saturday mornings. Around October, I "threatened" God. Yeah, it does sound funny, doesn't it? I sat there & told him I wasn't moving or speaking till he did something. Even if it meant he "came down & kicked me in the face". [yes, those were my exact words to the Almighty!] It took several hours for me to actually be quiet. All the way down to my thoughts. Then it was like he walked out from behind a tree sat down beside me & said: "So you're going to shut up & listen...Wow, this IS a first for you."
It took all of that, the better part of a year, to get me to spend 1 on 1 time with God. [from April to October] He didn't wave a magic wand & "POOF" my problems were gone. Yet, when we were together, on those mornings... I felt alive. I felt 2 extremes at the same time. Like I had electricity running through me. Wide awake, as though the words were redefined. Yet at exactly the same time I felt a deep peace. A peace so deep, it made the Grand Canyon seem like a crack in the sidewalk. When I was in those moments, nothing else mattered. Money, car, job, no girlfriend,... none of these things, true as they were then, mattered. Heck, they didn't even occur to me then! I was with God, my maker. shortly thereafter, words would come. Like you were pouring a glass of your favorite drink. Words would, at times, flood out so fast my hand & fingers would hurt trying furiously to put them to paper as they came. I shared them with someone, sure they were song lyrics. As I think I've said here before, he said: "this reads like poetry." "oh" was my halfhearted reply. I didn't know anyone who read poetry then. Now, I've had a few people tell me they love my writings. They have been healing. They have let me scream what I'm feeling at times. I've been surprised, at times by how they've come. [not to mention where & when]
Well... here is another one.

He came
he came
as a child
he who fashioned the stars
was found by 3 men following one
held in the hands he made
given a father
a "step" father
yet being this father's
author, father, maker
placed in a manger
having created the trees felled
to make it
he came
housed in human form
he
who invented time
became born inside it
the only man
who had all the time in the world
-and never wastes a second
the author of the universe
born into the story
he's writing
he came
by choice
the one who sits on the throne of judgement
to be judged
by criminals
killed by people
his mind created
killed by humans
to redeem them
he came to live a life
I'd understand
to die
so I'd know
the value he places
on each human
he came
to suffer once
he came to die
so that one day
we could watch him
bury death
& live

by b.e. noll
[yeah, Mom. this is what I was writing]

communion...
is a surgery
a removal of what will never be missed.
to replace it with
what should always have been.
[removing the temporary
& replacing it with what is eternal.]

2 songs I thought of today.
a young woman mentioned not wanting this season to end
After December Slips away [I love First Call's version best, but couldn't find it]
and from inklings, someone wrote a short poem on the ocean...
Ocean by King's X
I don't know why this makes me think of God. I guess I think of the ocean as an idea of how big God's love for me is. How I could be swallowed up in His love... drown in it. To submerge into it so far that I wouldn't even know how to get out. Or which way to try to go to get out....guess I think of that as Ty sings "it is there, to remind me...". I'm not saying what they thought of when they wrote it. I've never asked them.

A Thanksgiving poem/ card

Ok, so the last poem was short. ...so that this one will be tolerable. Thank you, for reading these. Thanks, for letting me share...

A "Thanksgiving card" to Yahweh
Thank you
for being larger than air
thank you
that your love
makes the cosmos look like
a single m&m
Thank you
for listening to my frustration
thank you
for listening to me repeat
over & over
"I don't have all the time in the world"
Thanks for responding
"I know child,
but I still do"
Thank you
for showing
just how unfair life is
by not making life
be fairer to yo, it's author
you chose an ordinary life
so I'd know you
"get me"
Thank you
for my families
my birth family,
in-laws,
church family
a church family
begging itself to grow
deeper into your perfect soil,
wrapping it's roots
around your forever solid rock
Thank you
I don't deserve them
yet
you bless me with them anyway
Thank you
for gently placing your Spirit inside me
to inhabit me
Thank you
for not letting
even my skin
come between us
Thank you
for Heaven
for coming here
as a sacrifice
so one day
you can take us there
Thank you, Jesu,
for healing our wounds
Thank you, Jesu,
for keeping yours
so I will forever be reminded
just how important I am to you
reminded
of the lengths you were willing to go
to have me [& those I love]
Thank you, Jesu,
that you love is both words
and actions
Jesu,
thanks
for telling me
you are going to prepare a place for me
for decorating it
perfectly
With those
I no longer get to see here,
& with those
I sadly
know were created...
yet we never got to spend time together
on this side of the door.
Thank you, Jesu,
that
as I look at death
I can quote a Gungor song
"this
is not the end"
Thanks
for the ability
to one day
completely thank you
because I'll have enough time
to list every reason
[guess that'll be my first 1,000 years]
Thanks for letting me love you,
thanks
for being you
& loving me

love
here & now... to beyond the end of the sky,
B

an autumn poem

Fall

the temparature
then the leaves
the leaves loose their grip
on the tree
they were born from
hang gliding
parashooting
surfing the wind
till they land
like confetti on the ground
drenching the land in color

b.e. noll

there's something about "it"

Ok. So this is a bit uncomfortable for me to "put out there". I was inspired by a story behind a song, to write this next poem. I guess this might be a "beauty & the beast" post. I'd like to think that at least the picture is pretty & calming. Hope it isn't too harsh for you...

it
consumed me
it
was a pale
that all the pieces of me
were kept in
my definition
the bench I sat on
the corner
I disappeared into
it
was all that & more
it
had a receipt
like it owned me
or something
it
had no beginning
& no end
from horizon
to horizon
as far as I was willing to look
it
was there
like graffiti
on my soul
nasty
hopeless
graffiti
the opposite of the cool stuff
Red:1 does
I was never gonna be free from

or get away from
it
somehow…
I had to
cause I’m never gonna
BE
anything
until I escape
it
so I did
I wrote
I carved into paper
my anger
I verbally “threw up”
into notebooks
I rubbed my own blood into them
to kill
it
to silence
it
to “jack it up”
 against
the spine
of my notebook
“you want a piece of this?!?!
come & get it”
“bring it”
cause one of us
has to die
I don’t care if it’s me
just
don’t think I’m gonna
lie there & wait
no
you want to kill me
get in shape boy
you’ll need to
…so
then it was
it or me
wasn’t easy
wasn’t fun
wasn’t short enough
…
with some help
and prayers from many
now
Just me.
it
is dead.

by b.e. noll
 
I took this picture on our Sunday walk @ my Uncle's cabin. In Reed's Gap State Park.

Summer's End

summer's packing it in
waving good-bye to the green leaves
who will soon turn color
& join her
hopping a flight with the geese
who honk as they pass by
The Sun
turns in every night a bit sooner
than previous
carefully tucked in
under a blanket of stars
the moon
his "night light"
to keep us company
and to keep his "chair warm"
till the sun gets up
in the morning
fall will soon be here
natures fireworks
on display
allowing us to miss summer
giving us a chance to rejoice next year
when she returns
by b.e. noll

don't now how or where this came from...

[untitled]
so
here I am
pushing on
boggin down
in the thin stuff
channel surfing
through my own mind
I rewind
I fast forward
I think I know where I'm going
somehow
I forgot I'm supposed to care
& be excited about it
As I watch it it gets fuzzy
looking down the road from here
sometimes I get glimpses
of a good story
is it mine?
should it be?
Which way should I really go
I fight to be mature
like a self absorbed child

this story of mine
I hope it's got a better writer than me
I keep wrestling
the master author
I fight him for the pen
and he lets me win
when I win I sit there with writers block
so I loose by winning
& I win by loosing
I can't seem to get it right
wringing my resistance
out of me
I still get glimpses
of when I'm doing it right
[but glimpses aren't enough for me
I want more
I can't get enough of him
& wonder
why he hasn't had enough of me
yet]

by b.e. noll

today

it's a busy week for me. However this was posted on facebook by a friend & I wanted to link to it today... Makoto Fujimura: shalom Peace, b.e. noll

Still renovating my life. Repairing my existence. Understanding the me that is. Which is why it's been so long since I've posted a poem. For those of you who write, especially poem writers, you owe it to yourself to get to know Over the Rhine. Below is a video that gives 1 reason to like this couple. Another is to read the letters section of their website.
I'll continue to mutter on with this blog for a while. As I discover the hidden places in this soul. ...& whether or not to leave them that way....
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

another sunday song[s]

I started looking up links to music I like for a friend. so here's another songs on Sunday posting... [warning the Keaggy link is quiet...Randolph is absolutely NOT quiet]
Phil Keaggy & jazz bassist John Patitucci playing "I Shall See God"
Robert Randolph & the Family Band Run for your life, & Jesus is Just Alright

in a different direction...
a friend is going through a tough time right now. Often in my life I've been better at expressing things through songs of others. So here are a few dealing with struggle.

Amy Grant - Somewhere down the Road [became a favorite track after My Sister-in-law lost twins.]
Michael Roe - I need God

Amy Grant - Better Than a Hallelujah
The Swirling Eddies - With the Tired Eyes of Faith

U2 - When I look at the World
[Jesu "...it's no use I can't see what you see, when I look at the world..."]
this list goes on forever by the way. However I'll stop here for now.

The photo @ top is of Linville falls. Sometimes... you feel like that rock, at the bottom. The water is all around you...& your still thirsty. Your immovable... & no one seems to be able to touch you.....& you wish they could...
I'll close with the final song from U2's 360 degrees, live @ the Rose Bowl....
[Moment of Surrender]

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Photo by b.e. noll, from my trip to the Blue Ridge.

a song on Sunday

my nieces are here. Yet as a friend goes through a tough spot in life... I think of a song that reminds me of the growth group I'm in. [as well as the ones I've been in previously]
Mumford & Sons - Timshel

"Timshel"

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can't move the mountains for you 

for those who like Mumford & Sons & don't yet know,

the new disc will drop in Sept.

[from the new disc] I will wait

take care all,

Happy birthday dear sister-in-law

it may b your b-day, but WE got the gift  -you.

b.e. noll

 [photo from the top of Mt. Mitchell, by b.e. noll]

thoughts on Cinema 16, 7.20.12

By now we all know what took place in Colorado. I just do not get it. If someone hurt you so you want to hurt them... well, I at least understand that. I don't like or promote it in any way. Yet I understand the desire. However, going & shooting strangers who happen to be in a particular place... Why hurt people... just to hurt people? Why would you want people to not feel safe?
Truthfully, I don't really want to understand. Maybe if I understood, I'd condone it. I have yet to see this third, & final Batman film. I want to. There's a clip in the trailer that I like. It seems to go with others from the previous 2 films.
[from Batman Begins] Ras Algul: "Criminals will not share your compassion, Bruce."
Bruce Wayne: "That's why it's so important"
[from The Dark Knight]Commissioner Gordon: "He's not the hero we want...he's the hero we need." [as a Christ follower, this sounds oddly familiar]
[from the trailer to The Dark Knight Rises] Catwoman: "you don't owe these people anymore....You've given them everything."
Batman: "not everything....not yet"

I guess what you get out of movies might greatly depend on who you are... & the mindset you have going in. Maybe it depends on what you are looking for.
This doesn't just make me want to go to the movies. It makes me want a bit of the comic book hero to leap from movies to life. Not in a masked additive to our police, no.
Criminals take from society. However, if you became an anti-criminal...that would mean giving back to it. Build trust, instead of destroying it. Protecting, instead of threatening. While I never thought of someone doing this. It is the possibility of scaring/ doing harm that has kept me from dressing up for a movie. When I go. I want to appear as me. A person wishing to watch a good story. Maybe to even be encouraged to be heroic, if the time came. It is sad, yet good, to hear of young men who became human shields to their girlfriends & children. I'm glad you did, & sad you had to.

from my journal:
"walking into a crowd & just killing people...
every molecule in my existence, every square millimeter of my soul just doesn't get.
How did we get here?
can we leave now?
Yahweh, I don't know how you can stand to see this. Your world violated like this. I don't hate this by, a clown who isn't funny. Please watch over, be with those who cannot change the channel. Reporters, fireman, police, FBI, people who work there, people who considered that theater "their theater" comfort & protect them from the room with possible answers, & definite traps. Keep them safe.
Jesus
I long for you to return
we need a true leader
we need a hero
the hero
only you
can be"

Bullets
don't think
don't feel
but they can take from us
people
who do
they do not solve problems
they're really good at creating them, though
they rape us
of good people
sometimes
take guilty people from us
usually though
they take the innocent away
from us
bullets
make people
extinct
I'd like to see the day
when people
make bullets
extinct

b.e. noll

I don't know if I've talked about this before, I just really liked a scene near the end of a cold case episode. It was done after Columbine. So now may not be the time to watch the whole thing, yet I'll end with the dialogue I liked so much...
[from the episode Rampage. warning, in this episode 2 boys go into a mall & shoot people. you can watch the clip i'm talking about here, it's @ 5:31 to 8:14 into this video clip from the show]

[feeling that the shooting was her fault & holding a pistol in her lap, in the mall] Tina: "I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me. I have to pay for what I did."
Lily: "for every gun that's fired... someone can't be in a closed room, or walk, or see their child again. ...it's not just you who pays Tina, it never is"

an annoying silence

The war of silence

Silence
the deafening  
of no sound
where there should have been one
it’s slow crumbling of what was
of what could be
so easy it is
to simply not make a sound
without thought
yet having much after thought
the silence
screaming at me
from it’s momentary epicenter
and the question
why?
why did you not speak?
ok… so you do not agree with some people
Is this news?
some hurt you
yes, still
why
hurt
them?
is this becoming
who you were designed to be?
I didn’t think so
so stop your self righteous silence
and live
be alive
the way life was meant to be
don’t be a criminal
a villain
in your own story
after all
has anyone ever started a war
by saying hello?
can you at least acknowledge
everyone you meet?

Can you live in peace
with people who may not be at peace with you
or with your choices?
stances?
try

silence

sometimes silence is a good thing. I often need silence. This is why I often go to a park & walk alone. Silence helps me listen to the most powerful & the quietest voice.

however... about 2 months ago, I was silent. I can't get over it. It just bugs me to death.

"Why?" you ask. Because I was looking someone in the face & I just didn't say anything. I didn't acknowledge them in any way [except to keep from running them over]. I keep hearing things like what a gal I was friends with in high school would have said: "Well, that was mature." So this poem is really written to me. In my group we're studying James. 

James 2:12 & 13

¹² Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, ¹³ because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

This is great to read... however, it would probably be better to live. ...& I didn't. 
I had a conversation about Bible translations a few weeks ago. With a friend, my Mother & Father. Which I somehow ended up saying something like: "it's not that the different translations make it easier to read. The Bible is fairly easy to read, it's just hard to live."
Which comes from this written in my Mother's old Bible: 
"knowing what to do must be translated into doing what you know."


sincerely, 
your not even close to perfect friend,
B
[photo from my back porch @ sunset a few days ago]

Father's Day [Grandfather's Mt. pic.s]

Well it's been a long while. I only went down to the Blue ridge for about 5 days. I made it over 2 peaks [out of three]. I had prepared for everything I could think of before hand. I had only forgotten 1 thing. It wasn't till "attic window" that I realized what I forgot about. Asthma. I have a rather mild case of it. So I did not ascend Macrea Peak. The third & final peak of Grandfather's Mt. I got to the base of the last ladder. On all fours, dizzy, short of breath. The guys with me were hoping I wasn't going to try to climb up it, to the cable, which lead to grabbing onto rocks & would have ended with me pulling myself the rest of the way up to a 360 degree view. Since I was dizzy & short of breathe I decided to stop going up. This meant going down a long cable & a medium size ladder. Went down around this peak on Underwood trail. Which lead to the upper parking lot, & my inhaler. So 2 puffs, the rest of a water, the rest of a Gatorade, a Snickers bar [w/ almonds, yum]. Then after waiting for the others & resting, we walked across the singing bridge. Where I got someone to take a picture of my Dad & I together.

"See that? We're gonna climb that in about 30 minutes." [Actually, it was easier than it looks]

"see that outcropping? That's where we ate lunch."

Doesn't that shadow look like a cow?

"Attic Window" [where asthma kicked in]

So some might ask me: "why did you climb that thing? Because it was there?"
"...no, because of who put it there" [& because I enjoy hiking with my Dad]
I got to hike with my Dad yesterday, have lunch, go to Brown's Orchard for baked goods with him, & we got together today for supper. A fun weekend. We had a fun 5 days in the Blue Ridge. This is just one of the stops & about 5 pic.'s out of 1,062!

Well, some of you have been begging me to put my "mug on my blog".
Folks, this is [l - r] my Dad & me. [Thank you Bill Jacoby for taking this picture]
This is across the Swinging Bridge.
This is a favorite picture.
Happy Father's Day.
b.e. noll

Mother's Day

I just got home from my Mother's house. We ate supper together, talked a bit, & watched a movie. I think I've mentioned not being normal. This would be a time to give some proof. We watched THE VOW on DVD. It's based on a true story. The book is the true story.
Basic plot [of both book & movie]: guy meets girl. they date. get married. have a life together. a good one. this all takes place inside of 5 years. 5 years that, after a severe accident, she can no longer remember. What would you do?
I didn't buy it for my mother, or my wife [it was a great date movie, for us anyway]. I bought it... because it seems like some people fight the wrong fight in marriage. They will threaten as many people as possible to keep their spouse/ boyfriend or girlfriend for themselves... but they won't make their marriage/ relationship worth living in. I don't want to be one of them.
[movie version] What the trailers won't tell you, is this. Page [the wife] left her family, fiancee, & some friends & moved into the city... largely because of something that 2 people she cared about did. Her husband knows what it was. If he told her, she would surely stay with/ go back to him. He doesn't tell her. WHY? ...because, love is a choice. It's not a demand. Don't kid yourself. It's frightening to give your heart, your whole self to someone like that. And people who've been cheated on... staying with their spouse, or ever marrying again... I ...there are no words. Except maybe: you are so much bigger/ better than I can hope to ever be. I have trust issues as it is. Help not trusting people, I do not need. I have it "in spades".
You can watch trailers for THE VOW. trailer #1, trailer #2

 Some of my sparseness in posting here, is my rebellion against being "the perfect blogger", at the expense of being much good at anything else. Brad Paisley wrote "Online", with the line: "I'm so much cooler online...".  ...funny song. song, I hope that my life isn't a real live version of, though. See... I'd rather be: a good son, a good husband, a good uncle, a good friend... than be an excellent blogger. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Sorry this is all over the place tonight. It might be the last post for May [& the first week of June]. I'm going to do something I've wanted to for about 5 years. Hike Grandfather's Mountain with my Dad. [base to the tourist part at the swinging bridge] Yep, my camera is going along. 5 days in the blue ridge. Last time I was there was 16 yrs ago this Sept. On my honeymoon.
I am blessed with a great Mom. I've said, & anyone who knows her knows this isn't really a stretch, "if you aren't her friend, it's because you haven't met her yet". She told me how to love my wife. for 42 yrs, she's been showing me what married love is. Her & my Dad. One of the best love stories I've ever seen. Sadly, after 15 yrs of marriage, I think I'm finally getting a passing grade. I'm doing... "good". This, however, isn't the goal by a long shot. Doing good, or ok. Can you imagine it? a tombstone with: "Here lies [your name] they were an ok spouse". Makes you cringe, doesn't it?
So, I pray & I try, & I talk to her. To try to make our marriage, a great story. Someday, hopefully, it will be.
Whether it's the testimony of a woman who lost her mom & dad, yet found a way to be a good mom... or Christ, living the perfect life we can't. Then dying on the cross for us... it's not how much power [or anything else] your have, it's what you do with it that counts.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

p.s. want another intriguing movie? Sci-fi ish, this time. [written on a foggy window] "don't waste my time"
Maybe it'll make you think about how you spend yours...
IN TIME  "...his crime wasn't stealing time. He was giving it away."

A favorite guitarist [R. Fripp]

I believe I've mentioned that I enjoy King Crimson [as well as various "splinterings" or "fractals" of this unique band. Which are sometimes named as ProjeKcts.] I think I've also mentioned enjoying Robert Fripp's extremely unique approach to solo guitar. [think of what abstract art... would sound like.] I can still hear a co-worker asking me "where is that music coming from?" My phone, I told her. Can you believe this is being created on a guitar? I said. "you're kidding". "Not even a little". When I happen to get to work before the other warehouse workers, I turn my phone's music player on. Which pretty much has only Fripp's solo work on it. It's nice to have recordings of Fripp following me around on my belt, bouncing off the racks. For me, it creates a monastery feel to... well, anywhere I happen to be. I'm going to link to NPR, who has had Robert Fripp come to New York to play in the "Winter Garden" several times. If you like it, you can listen to it for a while [approx. 57 minutes]. If not...well, that's ok. If you liked everything I like, as much as I do, that would be... well, kind of creepy.
Every human is created unique. Ironically, it's what we have in common.
Think of it this way, God doesn't do reprints. [or re-runs, repeats,
So, about that link: Robert Fripp's Soundscapes, Dec. 3 and Dec. 4, 2010 [part 2]
have a peaceful day.
[more photos to come]
B

A few Rickett's Glen 2012 photos

hoping to make it to Hearts & Minds Sat. for the N.T. Wright visit.
I wanted to post some photos from the Rickett's Glen hike...

and thanks to Married Life Live I've been listening to Sacred Love again. Especially Book of my life. Which could be the beginning of some music links I've thought over & over again on. [posting "poetic songs", love songs, songs from the soundtrack of my life...]

may His grace drip from your fingers,
b.e. noll

p.s. I didn't get any good supermoon shots, however a friend did. I might post one from her. Perhaps I'll post a few shots from my father, also.... maybe even a few from a friend who went along. [one of me? well...]

Hope I didn't do this last year...

Hello all. Life is interesting. This week has been busy. Some years the week of my birthday is a bit trying for me. I think I just get a bit bogged down in ordinary. Maybe I can't get over myself. This year I had 1 day this week of "that guy". Maybe he finally took a hint. I'm not big on parties. So my families have given me the best of both. Sort of "mini parties". Last Sat. was M's day. We had fun. Sun my nieces, sister & brother-in-law, for lunch. Supper with my parents. Tomorrow is with all my in laws, as tomorrow is the day separating my b-day from on of my sister-in-laws. Her b-day is this Sat. [as is my cousin's]. Sat. some folks from my growth group/LW & a high school friend of mine will be hiking Rickett's Glen with me. Can't wait. Then, I think, the "spoiling" will be over. Almost forgot, Wed. night was cool, listening to the group sing along with Chris Tomlin [amazing grace {my chains are gone}]. Love hearing them sing.

This picture is from the kitchen table this morning. A small gift from Mick [M]. markers, notebooks, & this Guitar card. Cool huh? I used to play, when we were dating. My big gift is new prescription sunglasses. [that was hard on the wallet] Hopefully they last as long as the others have [roughly 17 - 20 yrs]. It's late, so this'll be it for today. I've an unfinished poem rattling around that I hope to post later. Written to the "grumpy one" I mentioned here. And I must figure out how to gently talk to a facebook friend about their posts of late. I don't want to "unfriend" them [or offend]... yet I'm not sure if I want my facebook page to have those kinds of word pictures floating around on it.
oh yeah... the hope I didn't part...
The Beatles Birthday

what used to be

what used to be
[poem version]
seems that some of my old choices
long ago check marked boxes
have gone dog-eared
faded
[or fading?]
glory
I haven't forgotten why
they were checked
what drew me to them
yet
an old drawing
 it is
sad?
kinda
well... not tragic
don't get lost
on that dusty dead end
my sometimes trusty old soul
yet
yeah, as you said to me
don't build a shrine
to what'll pass
in time
this forward
seems forever
both in it's direction
& in how long it's taking
still seems
the best way out
to admit
I like it
liked it a lot, once
that was then
a man [or boy]
I was
the way
it used to be
the path to this me
I think I'm liking
this me
better
the further away
I get from
the way it used to be

by b.e. noll

a poetic rambling reflection

what used to be
[poem version]
seems that some of my old choices
long ago check marked boxes
have gone dog-eared
faded
[or fading?]
glory
I haven't forgotten why
they were checked
what drew me to them
yet
an old drawing
it is
sad?
kinda
well... not tragic
don't get lost
on that dusty dead end
my sometimes trusty old soul
yet
yeah, as you said to me
don't build a shrine
to what'll pass
in time
this forward
seems forever
both in it's direction
& in how long it's taking
still seems
the best way out
to admit
I like it
liked it a lot, once
that was then
a man [or boy]
I was
the way
it used to be
the path to this me
I think I'm liking
this me
better
the further away
I get from
the way it used to be

a poem of life

war of the soul

stuff
money
influence
affluence
talent
friends

all wish to dance
spinning me around
toward?
away from?
whom?
why?
which dance
should I join?

knowing there's a war
is only half of the problem
part of the scare
the really scary part
is
did I choose the right side?
[to join]

do I let
the imposters
have their day?
or do I let
the master
have his say?

the throne
has only 1 seat
who sits in it
decides just how
neat my story goes.
[and whether or not
my story
is worth reading]

I know I said...

I know I said I'd be trying to lay off the "music in blog posts for a while, but...

I think it's cool, poetry in motion, to see sign language to a song. @ Lw during second service we have a sign language section. I love to watch them sign praise songs. Don't know why it casts a spell on me like it does. I just know it does.
Mick & I enjoy Paul McCartney's music. He's kind of a "soundtrack to our love story".
[at least the pretty, romantic parts of it]
He directed a video of his original song My Valentine, which feature Natalie Portman & Johnny Depp signing much of the song. I think that's really cool.
so here's a link to the video: My Valentine ["the dance of fingers" version]
Have a great day. It's going to be beautiful here.
pray for the midwest, where it will be scary.
B

a song & an origin

Don't know if I ever posted this before [sorry if I did]. As a segway into... several paths I might take moving toward the end of the month. I'm going to post a poetic song to/ about Jesus. Over the Rhine is a band that ..."fuels" my poetry bug. This song is the title song of the first disc I picked up by them. Mick & I have been hooked ever since.

The Trumpet Child
The trumpet child
will blow his horn
Will blast
the sky
till it’s reborn
With Gabriel’s power
and Satchmo’s grace
He will
surprise
the human race

The trumpet he
will use to blow
Is being fashioned
out of fire
The mouthpiece
is
a glowing coal
The bell
a burst
of wild desire

The trumpet child
will riff on love
Thelonious notes
from up above
He’ll improvise
a kingdom come
Accompanied by
a different drum

The trumpet child
will banquet here
Until the lost
are truly found
A thousand days,
a thousand years
Nobody knows
for sure
how long

The rich forget
about their gold
The meek and mild
are strangely bold
A lion lies
beside a lamb
And licks
a murderer’s
outstretched hand

The trumpet child
will lift a glass
His bride now leaning
in at last
His
final aim
to fill with joy
The earth
that man
all but destroyed

I once wondered how on Earth I ended up writing poetry. I'm not exposed to it. I didn't own any. ...or so I thought. Then I realized...
Rush - Red Barchetta & Jacob's Ladder
U2 - A sort of Homecoming, Running to Stand still, One Tree Hill,...
The Choir - Tear for Tear, Merciful Eyes
The 77's - I could Laugh, Frames Without Photographs
Michael Roe - Smile, Hold Dearly to Me
[I could go on]
Then I remember taking a notebook to Creation & asking a drummer friend if he thought what I'd written was songs or song worthy. "Um, maybe. It actually reads like poetry to me." "Oh", I said. Very dejected. Funny how things work out.
I kinda want to stray away from music for a while. Don't know if that'll happen. especially if I go a certain direction I've thought of going here.
Well, I should go for now...
stay tuned?
B

not really an Easter post

So I didn't post yesterday. Busy day. Services were wonderful. The day was great.
I could post billions of songs. You'd like some, & wonder why others were excluded.
I'm just going to go back a bit. Several weeks before Easter. I brought a song to growth group... & was asked if we could play it the following week. I said sure. You know how it goes, you say it's ok...but part of you wishes you could just "do what you want".
Boy, am I glad I said sure.
The next week another "left turn". It was beautiful outside. So a couple of guys asked if we could go out & walk the sacred path, together. So we did. Then came in & listened to the song I had originally planned to play a week earlier.
It was perfect. The song? I wonder by Leeland.

all photos by b.e. noll [the black & gold one is the moon reflecting off of Lake Redman]

So many songs, so many verses in the Bible have been grabbing at me lately. As I reflect on This love journey Jesus went on. Today must have been the longest day in the lives of those who were there watching Jesus die. The light of the world, the son of the Living God... died. This CANNOT be part of the plan. ....can it? And why die... for me!?!
what's that old phrase:
"Love has it's reasons, which reason knows nothing of"



I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?
Psalm 8:3 & 4 [the message]

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:5-11 [NIV]

I keep hearing things Jesus said & thinking of how he lived them out.
Luke 17:33
Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it.
[NIV]
If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms. [The Message]

I think the Philippians passage goes with this.
"The last shall be first & the first shall be last." Mathew 20:16
in Isaiah [14:12-14] It mentions the fall of Satan. How he said he would climb God's holy mountain & sit above God, & rule over him.
[basically: "I will be first"]
Jesus came down. Lived as a servant, & died on our cross.
[basically saying: "ok, I will be last"]
He lived as a servant. Didn't he say "The greatest among you will be your servant."?
Mathew 23: 11-12 [above was 11],
12
For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

I could go on. I won't, however. I'll just sit in awe.
He didn't say much during his trial. Nor did he speak much during his execution.
Jesus, "the word, became flesh & dwelt among us." as John says. The one who spoke the universe into existence....was mostly silent. He could have saved himself, easily.

How much power you have... isn't nearly as important as what you do with it.
and another line from a song..."hallelujah, what a savior."
I guess we could all learn how better to use the power we have, couldn't we?
perhaps power isn't the only thing we have
that we could learn to use better...

[an untitled poem]
Jesu
There is no logic
in what you did “yesterday”
no fairness
in dying for me
you never made a mistake
[even though I’ve felt like one]
It is so
“speech stealing”
“breath taking”
to know you could have saved yourself
you could have called a legion of angels
to fight for you
“take care of my light work for me will ya guys”
but
you didn’t
YOU
didn’t need angels to save you
YOU made US
surely you can crush us
with a word from your lips
you could have hung there & told all of those watching
“Go to Hell”
and they WOULD have
[it would have been fair]
yanked your hands & feet off that cross
landed on your feet without a scratch on you
you are that powerful
And more
YOU
didn’t
We want to know
we constantly ask & seek
“Am I loved”
You died on a cross
and all you ask us is
“can you hear me now?”
“This is how much I love you”

You
Jesu
have changed everything
You walked through the valley of the shadow of death
alone
so we wouldn’t have to
You are the origin
of all power
You have showed me
through your life
that it isn’t how much you have
it’s what you choose to do with it
that count
by b.e. Noll