Sunday, April 13, 2014

the week

 I had a tough week last week. I really fell apart. I had some lifelines made available. I got to go to something at LW. Quite a few years ago they started creating a Sacred Space. A place to slow down & experience God. To savor being still before Him, & with Him. I so needed it. My modem died, my mp3 player died, & my car's fan that circulates air inside the car is on the fritz. Beyond all this I simply fell apart. I haven't felt like that for so very long. One gal from the class I have been going to, made me nervous. I thought: "How am I going to tell her that sometimes touching me just isn't any shade of fun?" What I wasn't expecting is that I have been changing. She hugged me. She hugged me more last Wed. than she's hugged me in the whole nine weeks! Like every five minutes after class was over. She seemed to just know I was really ragged. Normally, well...the previous normal, I would have been very "unpleasant" to be around & especially to hug. I was ok with it, though. The second gal this year to do this & get this kind of reaction. Which is SO unlike me. It is nice to see change. Nerve wracking, yet kind of cool. Another gal saw me coming into the coffee bar [me on my way to The Well -what we call this Sacred Space these days]. I didn't acknowledge her at first. She was in a conversation & I didn't want to disrupt the flow of it. So I was totally unprepared for her to pause it & go "Hey B, loving the book." [or words to that effect]. I'm feeling like I shouldn't even be seen, & so I stop. And "I'm out". I got nothing. I never did handle compliments very well at all. So, I'm my usual awkward self. "uhh, cool. So...glad." I honestly don't know what I said, but it was painfully weird. She was trying to be nice & I just don't know what to do with it. Cause I'm in a bit of a dark place. A bit isolating & solitary. And frayed. Wishing/hoping she can't tell. [& afraid she's nowhere near that naive, or stupid. Briefly wishing she was.] So I move on, "man on a mission" style to The Well. And beginning to pray that no one else I know will be around me for the rest of the night. Why punish people? Though, my church family would never see it that way. I was in The Well for 2 hours. I've never spent as much time trying to pull myself away & calmly enter into it. Everything was just swirling. I just could not quiet my mind. As time lapsed I felt increased pressure. "I can't be here all night." I finally begin to quiet down & settle into my more open calmed rhythm that usually accompanies these things for me. And the knots begin to loosen. I'm still down. Still a bit "to myself", though, that's kind of the modus operandi of this space anyway. You & God. Mono et Mono.
Sat. I got to take a long walk. As you previously read I could use all the calming/centering help I could get. So the following poem came from that.  

I Can Exhale


I can

Breathe again



To be alive

To roam

In free

Clean air

I can walk


“The Wild Places”



Can exhale now


The wind

In the trees

The breeze

As it kisses

My face


My eyes

Can drink

In the deep, long


As spring


By b.e. noll

I feel more ready for what's next now. Enjoyed a 50th wedding anniversary surprise party for my Aunt & Uncle. So fun. I like surprise parties. As long as I'm not the guest of honor. Not really a fan of being the center of attention. Got to hang with my cousins.
And I dusted off a song from an old playlist. I have a list that is kind of personal songs to Him.
So I thought I'd place a few of the songs from there here...
Martika - Love... Thy Will Be Done
U2 - Hawkmoon 269
The Who - Bargan
Spock's Beard - Wind at My Back
TransAtlantic - Stranger in Your Soul
Paul McCartney - Follow Me
The Call - Uncovered
Kevin Max - You are [this song begins after the poem @ about 1:50 into the video]
ok... I want to post some photos & get off line for a bit.

May His grace drip from your fingers,


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