Thursday, January 23, 2014

now... sorta

As I continue to grow. I continue to create. To attempt to be creative. This is both a joy...& slightly unnerving. To create & then allow others to view the created "thing"... is to bare one's soul. To allow someone into your private space. You have probably guessed by now that allowing others into my "private space" isn't very easy for me. "Baring my soul" as it were, is not a favorite pastime for me. I learned at a young age that the more I keep to myself the more I can be left alone. Not bothered by people who don't really care about knowing you, except to use that info to make you miserable. If you don't know what I'm thinking... you won't know what bothers me. You won't know if you are bothering me. This came to be a very safe procedure for me. However, you don't really get to know or be known when you do this. It can be tolerated for a while... however, it will frustrate people after a time. They will give up, or get discouraged when they don't seem to get closer to you. Also, what you know...will pass away. As you have not let anyone learn what you know, before you ceased to exist. So... in a way, I'm at war with myself on this. You would not believe the times I sit here, nervously wondering if I should post something. Should I really let you know... this about me? What will it do to your understanding of me? What will you do with this knowledge? Will I like it? Will it give us something to talk about? Will it draw us together...or push us apart?
Then there are other questions...
Is this just me ranting? [Verbal "throw up" or, as Renee puts it: "word vomit"] Is this helpful? Will it heal or hurt the person who reads it? Is this just a chance to shock someone or can they really get something valuable from it?
The questions can go on forever. Sometimes they seem to.
Lately I got stuck. I just couldn't talk much anymore. I "ran aground on the sea of words". It happens to me, sometimes. Maybe it's feelings that words cannot express. Maybe I just need time to construct the sentences, Other times, my brain starts off in about 12 million directions at once. Sometimes one of these follows the other. [like right now for example. I'm currently writing about 3 blog posts at once.] I'm mulling around the idea of wasted. I'm also thinking about words. The good, the bad, & the ugly of words.
So I think I'll get back to these posts. To see what comes of them...
May His gracew drip from your fingers,

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