forgive me for my intermitten poem bursts...

L.L. Barkat has been doing a bit of a "poem challenge". I like giving these a stab. As most of my poems simply flow out of me. Without any guidelines. My guidelines usually come after the poem is finished. This one seems to have no light or hope in it. This one shares too much of a darker part of my story. These are 2 "filters" that I decide no, I don't think this one should be shared. L.L. 's latest is for us to use "Once upon a time" [or other fairytale language] or even just the word "Once".
Well "Once [pt 2]", I do not think I'll share. However.... how about a really old one [that deAnn almost published in Inklings [called Only Once] & one I wrote on break today [Them].
Only once was born out of a book [this book, Inside a cutter's mind, understanding & helping those who self-injure by Jerusha Clark & Dr. Earl Henslin]


What made me buy this book, was a story near the end of it, lifted from the site sloppynoodle.com. An anonimous story, called: Only Once. I lifted the title only. And I borrowed a line from a video I watched by a self-injurer "protect me from what I want". [This was written over a year ago]

Only Once

I can’t seem to let this go
It separates me from everyone I know
I don’t want to be alone
But they can’t reach me,
Not even one
How did I get here?
How do I leave?
Can anyone help me?
How long will I hold onto
That which wants my death?
How long
till I see the sun again?
Will You help me give up,
What is killing me?
Is it too late to reach back
For the ones who seem to want
what I despise?
Will I see me as they do?
Why do they want me?
When I don’t?
They remind me of You
Loving what seems unlovable
Help me give them what they want
What You want
Protect me from what I want
Save me from the whispers in my head
I know You can
I know You want to
Help me let You
Help me to reach for them
The few that seem to walk near
but cannot touch
cause when I can stand their touch
when I can feel them near
I can feel You
It is You that I see
In the looking glass of their eyes
Is Your reflection
They are beautiful
Thank You for making them
Thank You for ….
Having them want me
To reflect Your feelings about me

As I wrote this one [on break today] I was thinking about my friends. And how much I need them. Thinking about how important the facts stated here are to me. And to people who have been through similar things. This fits L.L.'s poem guidelines...

Them
once
upon a time
not long ago
I told them
[well, some of them]
I thought
I'd die
but
I didn't
thought
they'd
run away
[dump me like a bad habit]
they didn't
the ones
who know
are fine
the ones
who know
that they don't know
are fine
[...they're fine
'cause they know some do know]
is this
my "happily ever after"?
-no
...but I can
see it from here
[...@ least some days]

Take care, be safe, know you are loved