a new poem [from a photo a friend posted recently]

Butterfly soul

Uncurl

Your wings & fly

Little one

I know

That sometimes you feel

More like a scorpion

A spider

Something scary

I know that you

Scare you

Sometimes

I still feel

The same way

About myself

Yet…

Defending myself

Does not make me a monster

[irregardless of feeling like one]

and

I still got to fly away

In the end

Sometimes

I’m still afraid

Of hurting someone

By accident

Thankfully

I have patient people

Around me

Who love me anyway

No matter

How I view myself

I sincerely hope

You do

As well
by b.e. noll

Hope you like it. Hope it doesn't scare you.
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Because You Are

Because You Are
it
was never about
were you came from
it
was never about
where you
or I
think or thought
you were/are going
It’s not about
who you became
or will become
it’s about
loving you
because you are
you exist
”just be & breathe”
Mom always said
and
that’s why
because you do
we all need
to be loved
not because we are funny
not because we are serious
not because we are artistic
not because we are strong
not because we are intelligent
not because we are wise
not even because we are a good friend
no
because we are.
that’s all
which brings me to Jamie
I hear his voice
over & over
”we’re probably more loved
than we’ll ever know”
thanks, Jamie
for reminding us
just
don’t
forget
that you’re loved
because you are
 by b.e. noll
 
This sort of came from reading a post by Michael Gungor. About his new born daughter. The joy & the sorrow. ...ever since Mare lost her twins... I don't pray the same way about children. When I hear someone is pregnant [like Mick's friend Lauren right now] I pray for health for mother & child. So much can happen. Death is merely one possibility. I used to think that if a gal got pregnant that she HAD to have the child & the child would be healthy, live a long life. When Mare lost her twins it was such a cruel reality. Not that I hadn't already been "formally introduced" to the cruelty of life, mind you. This was just a whole new wrinkle. [that's for those of you who were tired of the old one] There are so many things that can happen in our lives that can rob us of a feeling of value. I guess that's why so many of my poems are about loving/ being loved "just the way you are". We all need people who love us outside of a reason. I'm reminded of a group of friends. We all joked about calling one of them "THE [their first & last name]". As I've gotten to write/ talk to some people who are famous in one circle or another, I think back to that. I wrote to Plumb once. And she wrote back. I've been able to meet many musicians. [Rich Mullins, Bryan Duncan, Steve Taylor, King's X, Adrian Belew, P.F.R., Guradian -so many times they would say high to me & 2 friends whenever they saw us, Iona,...] As well as meeting people like Renee Yohe & Jamie Tworkowski. Sometime along the way I remembered & thought "I do not want to treat these people like they are 'THE whoever they are'. I want to treat them like a good friend. As a valuable person, in spite of whatever fame they have."

In another way, from the opposite direction. It is nice to be treated [if you've never been "famous"] like you ARE somebody. To have people who treat you like a "wow person". 
I, myself, have had this a few times & I never handle it right. EVER. I'm so bad at it that we have to create a new catagory for it. ["taking 'suck' to a whole new level"] If you do this for someone, don't take it personal if they are a "fish out of water" with it. Some of us just do not know what to do when we become the center of attention. We just sheepishly grin [& begin looking for the exits]. I can phychoanalyze this, but I won't. 
No matter where you're at, deep down.....like it or not, we all need to be loved by someone. To be valued. We become horrible things when we aren't. Which brings me back to the quote from Jamie. Every so often I hear him saying it. I can picture the video it's from. [one of the many youtube videos you can see of Jamie's talks/interviews.]
"We're probably more loved than we'll ever know." - Jamie Tworkowski
Well, I'm off. To write some more, sleep some, & to begin to sort the plethora of poems I have printed out into, perhaps, catagories or themes. 

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

You or somebody like you

It all began with a playlist. I've shared some "day" playlists on here. I've got one for Mon. through Fri. Truthfully they are loosely titled something like: Modern Mon's, Prog/Jazzy Tues. [with some jam band "flurishes", mostly Phish & Umphrey's McGee], Truth in song Wed.'s, Nostalgic Thurs., Fri.'s are "us" Fri.'s. [meaning stuff Mick & I like].
Then there are some unique playlists. The first one I posted of was a... not really worship playlist I posted in parts over many Sundays. Though it began as a mix tape in 1990. [titled: GOD... to, from, about, & because of] There was at least one song that fit each of those words/phrases. It was the first of my quite unique mix tapes that have since become playlists. Below is the very next one. I began to pour myself out about the beginnings of it the other night.
After a severe depression. I began to look at the brokenness of us... of me. Which became a playlist called: You or Someone Like You. An honest look at humanness. You won't like every artist listed here. Maybe you'll stop reading this blog. That's ok. In person, as well as on here. I'm just being me. I'm hiding it less. Because hiding who I am is more work than making new friends. Who will love me for me, as I really am. Not only that, I've come to realize that if you keep things from people... who really do love you "as is"... you are hiding their love from yourself. [I see no reason to do this]
It's become boring. [not to mention too much work]
By the way, to understand the title of the playlist. It might be best to imagine me [or yourself] standing in a bathroom, looking into a mirror, & saying the title. That's kind of the place I was mentally coming from when I started this idea...

So, as scary as this seems to me, here it is. a quickly linked set up of that playlist.


I will say again, what I quoted several places: "...I don't know who else to be, more & more I'm secretly just me..." - Goodbye[this is not goodbye], Over the Rhine [from the disc: Films for radio]

you or someone like you
everybodyduck suzie's diet
wishlist by Pearl Jam
Led Zepplin - Nobody's Fault But Mine
King Crimson - Indiscipline
Megadeth - Seven

Alice Cooper - You're My Temptation

Collective Soul - Run
77's - The Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes and The Pride Of Life

Michael Roe - I want Never Gets

King's X - Move Me

Spock's Beard - The Distance to the Sun

The Call - Jealousy

Rush - Resist

Phish - Shafty

Megadeth - ecstasy 
Rush - Half the World

Now I have King's X's tune Human Behavior in my head:
"some of crime we find is just human behavior, everybody's in the line"

Well, take care... have a great one

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

p.s. I didn't publish the words that fell out as I wrote a longer version of this post because... I'm going to put it into the "book"/story of my life that I'm writing.

Pictures [I told a friend I'd do this]

I told a "newer" friend I'd do this sometime. So this is me making good.

For those of you who follow me on facebook, I'll explain. I started at the end & went backwards through my photos. [that's why none of these are on facebook yet] I so very much enjoy hiking, & taking photos. I probably say that too much. Yet there is no way to say it loud enough. My need is very great. This is so healthy for me. Also healthy...
I got through another box of "stuff unavoidably shoved into my basement till I get the chance to go through it" this weekend. Which makes me feel a bit better. I've got a lot of things most of which falls under two opposing lists. Things to start doing.... & things to stop doing. A "stop doing" is having/getting things just to say I "have stuff". I'm moving away from allowing myself to have stuff just so the house doesn't feel empty. I'm trying to streamline stuff. If it has a purpose it can stay...if not, well...maybe it'll have a purpose in someone else's life.
I should go. It is much later than I like to be up.

I don't know who else to be, more & more I'm secretly just me...

Hello. My weekend was up & down. My eyes are starting to hurt a bit. So I won't be on here long. [I hope] I have been attempting to write more on myself on here. I guess I'm partly just living into a line from the song: "Goodbye [This is not Goodbye]" by Over the Rhine. "...I don't know who else to be, more & more I'm secretly just me...help me tell the truth, you see, that's all I'm tryin' to do, is tell the truth..."
I posted a few weeks ago about my "Tues. playlist" being a prog playlist. Though, honestly, I also mix a little Phish, Dave Matthews Band, Van Morrison, Umphrey's McGee, Sting in there. A little bit of Jazzy stuff & jam band stuff into that mix. What I was going for was 2 things. Not to get sick of any part of my collection. As well as to not have the same songs or artist on all of my playlists [Mon - Fri]. Though, after seeing the trailer for Day One [the film of Renee Yohe's story & the origin of To Write Love On Her Arms] Every time I think of these playlists I see Kat Dennings putting headphones on & saying "Mon playlist, track four."
Absolutely every single time.
All of this rambling to say that today, being a Monday, here is my Mon playlist [of sorts]:
"Modern Mondays"
Which is the "younger side" of my collection. Which include artists like:
The National, Radiohead, Foo Fighters, Adele, Ingrid Michealson, Collective Soul, Dustin Kensrue, Death Cab For Cutie, Plumb, Bearcat, Paramore, fun., Coldplay,

One day as I was listening to "Best of You" by The Foo Fighters, I began to think of a song by Orianthi [According to You]. What was my link between these two songs? I could think of these songs from multiple angles. "Best of you" easily makes you think of someone getting under your skin. For whatever reason [my "unique" way of thinking I guess] I began to think of this song in a positive light. Who am I giving the best of me to? Should I be? Though there are lines in the Orianthi song that are exclusive to being sung by a girl, I've imagined myself singing this song to various people. Yet wondered... could anyone sing this to me? [I certainly hope not].  These things just happen to me. Music can be such a "thought journey" starter. I just don't know why. I'm just like this.
Well, that's all I can do for you tonight. Below is just one of quite a few photos from Rickett's Glen....

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

random silliness, & continuing with "gifts" I'm glad I have

Random conversation with a new co-worker:
Her: "You ever see The Foo Fighters?"
Me: "Live? No."
Her: "oh, they are great live."
Me: "I can imagine. I can't believe Dave Grohl has played with such a diverse group of musicians. He played at MTV music awards with Chick Corea. Most people don't even know who he is."
Her: [questioningly] "yeah, um who IS he?"
Me: "ever hear of Miles Davis?"
Her: "um, no."
Me: [trying not to seem like I'm insulting her. So I move on] "He's also played with Paul McCartney."
Her: "cool."
Me: "I think I want to play with Dave Grohl someday."
Her: [laughing "gently". Probably trying not to insult me] "why? -I mean anything's possible."
Me: "He plays with everyone. I just want a turn."
She laughed. Then gave me a look like "that sounds reasonable."
Of course if Mr. Grohl called or tweeted or whatever...I'd probably be the quietest person he's ever met. The thought just popped in there. The "I just want my turn". This is how my mind works.

Ok. In the “continuing thankfulness” category. [or thankful for the gifts I already have.]

I’m thankful for my families. The Nolls, the Amspachers, the Ness’. So many stories.

My Mother & Dad. I’m an only child. Sort of. See, biologically, I’m an only child. I don’t really remember how this began. [or when] Dad became good friends to a secretary he had in Lancaster. Working for a company called Anchor. She still calls me her “little brother”. Though I don’t remember when she began this. She’s thought of Dad as her “second dad”. As he & Mom got involved with Living Word, they began to be called Dad & “Momma Nance”. My mom is “mom” to so many at LW. They asked me once. [they EACH asked me once] “B, are you ok with these people calling us ‘mom & dad”? “If not, we’ll tell them to stop.” I told them “I’m only going to be upset if they stop.”

[& Randy Turner is going to tell me again he wants in on the will. I love your humor Randy.] So now I have lots of brothers & a few sisters, too. So LW is a “family” too.

Well, I’m going to stop here for now.

Got my Delaware run tomorrow. Another gift this week.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

thankful for...Mick [& a bit of my love life before her] a rambling

Hi. I am really sucking at this whole thing I had kind of planned for this month. Now we are at the end of it. I might just "stay sloppy" & let the idea spill into May. I have a busy week. Drive to Delaware again Wed. Which will be relaxing. To add to the "hike-apalooza" of Fri & Sat. [I so need to empty my camera cards for those 2 days.] I also hope to post some more photos & poems here. I've been wanting to pick up my guitar again. Just to fool around, & get re-acquainted with it. I have junk to go through & kick out of this place.  It's just time.

As for my continuing thank you notes, I'm thankful for Mick. We do have some special times. Like realizing we had the evening all to ourselves last night. Didn't do anything major. [I mentioned the Mandela movie] We drove around & got mini red velvet cakes. Marriage is a cure all... till you in one. Afterward, it is an element of your story. Which means that it has everything your story has. Everything life has. Sadness, joy, laughter, seriousness, fights [sometimes with each other, sometimes FOR each other]. Moments when you feel like "why did I DO this?" For me, moments of "I never intended to punish anyone this much ever." We have both got our share of "Wow, you REALLY screwed up." Followed by "Wow, I REALLY screwed up."
After all: "two imperfect people, living together in an imperfect universe. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? -only everything."
I'm glad we have weathered all that we have. I'm glad we can still smile at each other. Get lost in the moment together. There are romantic moments [not as often as one would think or perhaps want], yet they are not "lonely". As mentioned above. I'm still glad for her, she's still glad for me for some reason. Which I guess all of these words are the reason I like Paramore's Still Into You. Why I understand Plumb's Say Your Name, At Arm's length.
So anyway. Still glad there's an "us". Glad we are growing. Growing toward each other. Nope. Easy isn't in there. Never is. No relationship is without it's fair share of bruises. WE want to escape that. We will... just not here. Not the way things are.
Mick has issues.
And I joke, "I don't have issues. I have a subscription." Yeah, I'm a mess. Though...not always. Sometimes this mess is funny. Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes I just don't see the light. Sometimes I run from it. And sometimes I can't out run it. [and that's beautiful]
We always come back to us.
It's not sweet enough to be a love song. Not a bad enough train wreck to be a break up song.
We're just us.
I'm glad there's an us.
I look back & realize I pity every girl I ever dated. [yep, that means even Mickey]
Though Mick not as much. Cause I'm doing better at this.
[I should for crying out loud. I had a good enough example. The best, really.]
None of this is to "feel bad for me". Just to share that I'm human, too.

And I remember being single. Wanting to be married. Though not bad enough to just marry someone who's breathing.
I remember being set up with/ asked about every girl I spoke to for more than 5 seconds. People could not stand for me to be single.
"Is SHE your girlfriend?"
"ya know, 'if you have to ask'..." or
"TRUST me. When I have a girlfriend, I'll make a public service announcement."
"I get to pick the girl I'm marrying, right? -just checking."
Seriously, They'd have me married with 2.5 kids. [in 12.5 seconds. White picket fence-I don't want to paint that every year!]
Just a tip, nothing is worse than being set up with every girl that still has a pulse & walks past you. NOTHING. A single person KNOWS they are single. They haven't forgotten. They don't need a reminder. We need to love people where they are. Not where we create them to be. It is tough, most worth while things are. [oh, & for girls, all you do is switch a word. K?]
Anyway. I never really loved a girl till there was Mick.
So... even though she'll never read this, a last song.
a Paramore song.
cause it was nice to think of who I might date. Yet, there's only one girl for me. I honestly never thought I'd find her [let alone have her become interested in me]. I thought I'd be alone. Forever. I eventually gave up. I began to see it as something that wasn't for me. Romantic love was for other people. I'd never have that. I'd never fall that far "in love". So I began to "dust myself off" & go on. No love for me...
But Mick became
The Only Exception.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B