Today did not have a
stellar start. I woke with the feeling that someone had hit me in the face with
a cinder block. This is how the whole right side of my face felt. So I’m
struggling to get going, thinking I’ll never make it anywhere today. Slowly
thinking I shouldn’t try to go anywhere. As I got on the road I’m not even sure
I want to be alive. Where did this come from? Old voices, from time past.
Perhaps not long enough ago. I went anyway. I said I’d help with the shoeboxes
today. So I went to church anyway. Feeling very sorry to exist. Which isn’t a
feeling I want to share. [even here, now] Going in I wanted to be invisible.
Which I simply cannot do at LW. I’m not sure when I first realized this truth.
It simply is. When I feel like being invisible I always run into a wide variety
of people I know at LW. Today it was Pastor Brian, Leigh, my growth group guys,
several other guys I know, George. …I’m learning though, & growing. To some
I said what I always say. That good old “knee-jerk” reaction. “How are you B?”
without thinking I reply: “I’m fine”. Which I then thought “Why did I say
that? It isn’t true. It isn’t real.” Thankfully to others I began a new
chapter, “I’m…here.” Or “How’s it going B?” “it’s going…it’s not taking me with
it, but it’s going.” When it’s really bad [& I’m with close friends] it’s
“it went.” [notice I’m still here] I guess my thought, sometimes, is if
I can’t laugh maybe you can laugh for me. Sometimes it helps. I got a
long hug from Dad & Gabe. Which I needed, didn’t know it till I got it. So
I’m learning to share these things with some people. I held onto Gabe, which
made him ask “everything ok, brother?” “no. I’m just ‘not right today”. I then
got to help with skidding shoeboxes. Talked a little with Leigh, which was
nice, even though my whole self wasn’t zeroed in on our dialogue like I’d like
it to be. All of which seemed to really help me out. Mood as well as
physically. Spent time eating lunch with my brother-in-law, hanging out &
talking for a while. All of this “rebounded” me quite nicely. Took a walk
afterward. Which I needed. I didn’t intend to post any of this. Of course, I
didn’t intend to feel like I did this morning, either. All of this brings me to
a line I keep thinking of from a Plumb song “…I don’t wanna push you away, I
don’t wanna hold you at arm’s length, I don’t wanna push you away, it’s just a
knee-jerk reaction…” [“At Arm’s Length” by Plumb, from the disc “Need You Now”]
And… now I have no real
way of ending this. I guess I’m just saying that, slowly, I’m finding my
footing on this idea of sharing when I don’t feel the best. Giving people the
chance to “minister” to me simply by knowing that: “I’m not at my best, I think
it sucks, hope it goes away soon. Thanks for listening.”
Guess I’m also saying I’m
thankful for my church. For their ability to deal with people who aren’t easy
to deal with. [or figure out] People, like me. Thankful that LW cares about all
kinds of people from all kinds of places.
Like I said on facebook tonight, Thankful for my
Dad, my Brother-in-law, growth group guys, Pastor Brian, & others from LW.
I needed you today. You helped me salvage my day. You… picked my mood up off
the floor.hope it's ok to post some songs. some audio keep going/ keep living songs...
Nickleback - Savin Me [I like that the video seems to answer the question. At least for 2 people in it. Wonder if it inspired the movie "In Time" or the other way around.]
FUN. - Carry On
Plumb - Drifting
Jars of Clay - Inland [no man is an island... every man tries it at least once.]
Mumford & Sons - Timshel "...you are not alone in this, you are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand, & we'll hold you hand..."
Nickleback - If Today Was Your Last Day
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B
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