broken poems

Just sitting here

as I am
my mind is awash
in the sea of names
of people who are
praying for my family
the gladness of having
a group of people
praying,
caring,
for us
I find myself thankful
for Living Word
the people
the care,
grace,
& love
that cannot be avoided there
the ability
to learn
without being trampled on
or
jacked-up against the wall,
to "make me" into something
...that I'm just not
Thankful
for Jesus
wanting me
in spite of...
"the long & painful list"
of who I'm not,
what I have done,
what
I haven't



Yahweh,
Jesu,
Holy Spirit...
all
I want
is you
you are...
the only one
who can withstand
the storms
that rage [have raged] inside of me
the only one
who knows who
I am
& loves me anyway
I want YOU
I need you
so bad
I can taste it
You are
what I was looking for
I tried to purchase "you"
I tried to climb to you
I tried to rebel against everyone
to see you
to think incredible thoughts
so I could understand you
I tried to be everyone's friend
everyone's anything
Yet, you have been here
all along
Loving me
I
do not deserve
you
I'm glad you still want me
want to live with me
in me
through me
because
I want you
I need you
you
are what makes me
worth anything
If I am fun,
it's your fault
If I am intelligent,
it's your fault
If I am great
at anything
it's your fault
...
I'm saved
it's your fault
I will live forever,
it's your fault
I have the greatest parents,
it's your fault
poems,
photography,
it's your fault
without you
what would be worth looking at?
without you
why write anything?

thank you, Jesu
for being you,
& loving me
b.e. noll

well, another poem will be published in LW's inklings booklet. I'll link to it when it comes online.
Sorry for the fragmentedness of these. I just needed to write tonight. Now, I should go. I've been on here a bit too long.

an ongoing story...

Well, Mom is doing much better. She sat up to eat on Sun. Took a short walk down the hall today. She is changing med.s [slowly off 1 & onto another]. Her platelets are coming up. She's @ 145 & needs to be @ 150. So things are looking good. I'm thankful for all the visitors she's had. All the prayers, for her recovery. She's going to get a blister on her foot looked at tomorrow that's slightly painful. I've been trying to write something... & I'm just not getting it. The words aren't there tonight. Perhaps later it will come. So for now, I guess I'll "let this be it". I'm tired... yet if I may... I'll leave you with a song that seems to stick with me lately. If today was your last day by Nickelback
I really like the line:
"..if today was your last day
& tomorrow was to late
could you say good-bye to yesterday?..."
The video is interesting as well.

Well... I guess I'll sign off for now.
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a harmony poem [at least in title]

2 things to share here...
1. another song:
Doulos
by Kemper Crabb
from the disc The Vigil

"...
You are my God
And I am your man
And I will worship you
With the works of my hand
And the thoughts of my mind
And the love of my heart

If the world could know
If they could understand
that Ah, the exquisite touch
Of the Creator's hand
Brings a blur to my eye
But makes my vision clear

Ring, rainbow ring
Encircles the throne
Fiery ring of love
Around your throne..."

2. I wrote this early this morning. Thinking on many things. Thankful for the ways God "shows up" in my days....

The Shore of Uncertainty

I am suddenly
washed
onto a lonely beach
waves of doubt
crash over me
I sit here
drenched in doubt
I struggle
to get out
from under
the waves
then suddenly
I wipe my eyes
the waves
I can still hear
still see
but
they are distant
I have pulled myself away from them
…or…
have I?
I suddenly become aware
of another presence
I turn to face Him
realizing
that I didn’t pull me away
He did
my “ever present help in time of need”
I sit
next to Him
He holds me
The waves still crash
I still see them
I still hear them
however,
He is closer
Bigger,
stronger,
calmer,
calming,
calming me
which is every bit as good
as calming the storm
[maybe even better]

b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a story continuing to unfold...

Well, Mom is back in the hospital. In case I didn't say so here yet. There are "other turmoils" in my life @ this moment, as well. She has a blood clot. They put in an "umbrella". near her lung. She will be in pain for a while. Though last night she said her pain was a 7, tonight it was a 6. Which is good. She also stood for a whole minute. Which is progress. Many have said different things to comfort me. Some trying to put words to God's actions. I don't have any. God exists outside of both space & time... I've never been outside of either one. So, to some extent, I really don't "understand who I'm dealing with". I do see, as He sees. I cannot understand, as He does.
Music is a way I try to... cope/ put words or dialogue to things. How I get things out of myself. So... what songs come to mind here? Merciful Eyes, Blue Skies, & Restore My Soul by The Choir ...somewhat. Yet... as I continue to live [& hopefully grow] I'm confronted by an oddity. Songs to God seem to come to mind. I especially loved singing "It is Well With My Soul", among other hymns recently in church.
Tonight on my way to growth group, I had in some music by Kemper Crabb. I'll leave you with one of the songs...

[actually it's easier to link to my previous post of the lyrics, here]

sure of uncertainty

I certainly
don't know
what your up to
I don't know
why you haven't
snapped your fingers
"and fixed it yet"
I don't always know
why I can't understand you
I can't leave you either
[where would I go?!?!]
Here I am
in an uncertain place
the only thing I know
for sure
is I'm uncertain
how this will turn out
I don't know why
why her?
why now?
why this?
All I can do
is remember
that funny story
from when I was a kid
and didn't know an answer
rather than lie
or make one up...
"brian,
what does idk mean?"
"it means I Don't Know"
...and I don't
you know
I don't know
what your doing
I don't know
how you'll use this
...
but I've watched
I've read your book
I know
you will
of this
I am
also certain

...while I wait
for answers
to the prayers of many
will you
sit with me?
If nothing else
right now
just sit here
with me

b.e. noll

experiencing a Monday

A Monday experience

my new cell rings
it announces that it's Dad
Mom is officially home
"Maybe you could stop by
and see her
but only for a little bit"
my day
chaotic
yet...
a restful harmony
flows under everything
today
Yahweh has seen fit
to allow me the blessing
of my Mother's safe return
to her home
I stop by
listening to the "sounds of home"
feeling the spirit
that always seems to permeate the house
I hold Mom
remembering this action
from multiple points
in my life
my whole body seems
to exhale
the last few weeks
seemingly
a long holding of my breathe
waiting for this moment
Dad making arrangements
Always looking out for her
[and me]
No more visiting hours
no more elevators
just 1 ...or 3 steps
depending on which entrance I use
Yet I am thankful
for the army
of prayers,
of support
that has been brought to the surface
through all of this
I'm thankful for a
more normal Monday

Thank You Jesu
for this Monday, especially
B. E. Noll

[My Mother arrived home safe, sound, & slightly tired today. She seems completely herself again. Which is a gift. Thank you for your prayers.
I feel more rested myself... or perhaps the word should be "settled".
Every breathe today, is a whispered thank you to God... a "breathing hug".]

9/11

"...It's early fall,
there's a cloud
on the New York skyline
Innocence,
dragged across
a yellow line..."

-from The Hands that Built America by U2

Yes... I remember. I remember pulling weeds. I worked second shift, as a printing press operator. I can still see the sunny day it was...in my back yard. Mick came out to me... I knew something was up, she seemed...different. Brian, you need to come in & see this. A plane just hit the World Trade Center. "what...like a little Cessna?" "No, like a passenger jet. You're not gonna believe it, just come see." As I watched... I saw a replay...& then a silhouette of another passenger jet... "Honey, there's another one." She didn't believe me at first, until the announcer said "oh, God, another one hit -a second plane just it the South Tower..." It was every channel...every radio station. I think the hole country, the world, were just begging to hear the death toll go down.

I watched the movie World Trade Center. I still am captivated, by the Marine, walking through the debris... [in a commanding, loud tone] "This is the United States Marines. If you can hear my voice, yell or tap." Over & over & Over again. He finally hears something. When he gets to talk to 2 port authority officers trapped 20 ft. below him, they ask him "...the Marines? what mission sends the Marines here??" ..."You are my mission." Boy, does that sound like Jesus... or what? Walking through the Hell... you find yourself in... to tell you.... the cross, was for you. You are His mission. You are the reason... why He bothered to come here... why He bothered to die... I heard someone say to me one day: "If Jesus was God - or is God - why didn't He save Himself?" "because if He had... He wouldn't have saved anyone else."
Is love crazy? ...you tell me.

I'm trying to write a poem for this....it just feels too big....for words.

I began with U2... so also, I will end with them...

Peace on Earth
[ from the disc All That You Can't Leave Behind]

Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of
all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing
again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth...

...Jesus could you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones
who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No who's or whys
No-one cries
like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got
to say goodbye
To see the colour in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth

They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger, than any big idea...

...Jesus this song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth?
This peace on Earth

Peace to you, wherever you are, whatever you are going through,
B.E. Noll

Mom

SURGERY UPDATE
Mom cried earlier. The nurse asked if she was in pain. No, She's sitting up & not feeling ANY pain what-so-ever. She's overjoyed. She's been sitting in an easy chair for 1.5 hrs. now!!
YEAH GOD!!!

...she could feel some pain over the next 24 hrs. I'm just so very glad that God has taken care of her. The surgery went well, however, it was to be 1.5 hrs. they started @ about 10:45 & ended @ 1:05. Needed to do more than first thought. But it went extremely well. THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!

Ok. So Flooding wise, my basement is dry -yea! however, many have flooded basements in our area -& they are the blessed ones. As some areas have been evacuated. Tonight on WGAL 8 is the first time, I can remember, hearing that we have States of Emergency. States -plural! New 8 is on in the background. They just rescued some people stranded on the roof of a pick up, that's stuck on a bridge [not that you can see the bridge, mind you]. It's to rain again tomorrow.
...Noah called, the ark is on back order...
Yes, when the going gets tough, the tough... tell jokes. I was re-writing classic rock songs today @ work... "...come float away, come float away, come float away with me..." I'll tell you what "come on & take a free ride" has a WHOLE new meaning here. And the water park is closer than it used to be. The down side, of course, is that I own the "log" I'm riding in the flume ride!!!

well, I must go. It's my wedding anniversary. 15yrs!

take care out there in PA!!!
B

a different visual for a lyric

I hope it's ok to do something I have been thinking of doing for quite some time now. I believe people who read this regularly [well, as regularly as I post on it] know that my musical tastes are rather wide. The following is for me, probably more than for you, it is an exercise in trying to ...print lyrics in a fashion that will deliver a similar effect as listening to the song itself. As I recently ordered my copy of the 40th anniversary of Discipline by King Crimson. It might even be appropriate. This is the last song on the disc. I hope it speaks to you...

Indiscipline
I do remember one thing...

It took hours
and hours
and hours
but..

By the time I was done with it
I was so involved

I didn't know what to think.

I carried it around with me for days
and days
and days
Playing
little
games -Like

not looking at it

for a whole day
And then..

looking at it. To see if I still liked it.


I did.


I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress.
I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress.
I repeat..

The more I look at it
The more I like it.

I do think it's good.

The fact is..
No matter how closely I study it

No matter how I take it a p a r t

No matter how
I
break
it
d
o
w
n

It remains consistent.
I wish you were here to see it.

I like it.
I hope you enjoyed this -B

surgery, pt...?

Well, Mom did not have surgery today. Unless something unforeseen happens, she will have surgery tomorrow. 10 - 10:30am, 1.5 hrs for surgery, 1.5 hrs for recovery. Sorry, I feel a bit wrung out. And in the middle of being in the middle of things...

reflecting on "God isn't Santa"

Well, Mom did not have her surgery last Fri. She will have her surgery tomorrow. She was on blood thinners so they could not do it last Fri. ...So when our teaching pastor yesterday talked about all the things we cannot control. I had to smirk. I've had time to calm down. Pastor Steve also talked briefly about our Alpha course. A place to ask questions. This usually is for those who don't know God, yet it speaks of the hard questions that come up in life. And after the let down of Mom not having surgery, this blogger..."fell to those questions". Summed up so well in this one:
"If God can fix everything...why doesn't he???" I wish you could here this said the way I have. So from Hard to get by Rich Mullins, to Better Than A Hallelujah, & Somewhere Down the road by Amy Grant flooded to mind after a while. Times like these are why I love the Psalms. Because 1 page you read of how great God is, mighty & powerful... the next page [sometimes in the same psalm] you read God...where are you? why don't you fix this, like now please?!?!?
Knowing God is not knowing the answers,
it's being friends with the one who does.
I've said this since my sister-in-law lost her twins. When asked: "are you mad at God? Cause it's ok if you are".
I answered: "No.
I know God too well to be mad at Him,
But not well enough to know what He's doing."
Obviously, this is still true. Many verses come to my mind Isaiah 40:12-26,
Psalms 139, 147:3... the list goes on.
Fri. from about 12:40 on I was just exhausted, & sick of the brokenness of this world. I was ready for Rev.21:1-6.
So, God isn't Santa. He doesn't just have a dorky smile waving a peace sign.
Truthfully, these moments are good for my relationship with Him. When the prayer is answered:
"not now" or "no".
When a friend: does something that betrays trust, or isn't as close of a friend as I thought [or maybe is too close for my good].
I go off by myself... & get away from every one I can... then I'm left with only 2 people... me & Yahweh. [God, The Father, Him who sits on the throne & holds the key of David, The Master, King God, etc.] And, at least 1 of us is never wrong.
Then I rant, to Him. I fall apart... [no one talks of yelling prayers, why not?...]
Then, something happens. He just listens. He's just there... with me. We feel closer [at least to me we do]. Because He's the God you can be real with.
Friday was a day I'm glad God is the way He is. Because that's what I needed. For Him to listen & draw near. A friend from church once said: "Sometimes, God can be can be closer than your skin." Friday was a day like that. [thanks for your words Connie]
Awesome God is not my favorite Rich Mullins song.
My Favorite? We are not as strong as we think we are.
Sunday was nice. To be in church. To be sitting next to my Sister-in-law & Brother-in-law. To be singing How Great Thou Art & How Great is our God.
[My favorite hymn? Great is thy Faithfulness.]

Yahweh,
thank you
for not being
paper
or plastic
thank you
that You created me
not
the other way around
thank you for coming
to me
even if I wished you'd come
to my rescue
Thank you
that even though
you don't answer all of my prayers
with a yes
Even though You don't give me
"all the answers"
You gave me the most important ones
Can we live together forever?
Can you save me?
thank you
for those yes'

B.E. Noll

Mother's voyage

Well, Mom will have surgery tomorrow morning. 10 - 10:30, they will remove the cyst, work on her spine, & hopefully this will greatly improve her situation. It will take about 2 hours. Then an hour of recovery. She'll stay in till Tues. Hopefully Tues. we will bring her home. She's made friends with the nurses. Though, those who know her will laugh, Mom makes friends everywhere she goes. I know some who read this blog don't necessarily worship God, please know I'm not trying to shove Him down your throat. Yet, I'm not going to hide my belief in Him. And... I need Him, more than He'll ever need me.

Yahweh,
Please give the surgeons, nurses, & others involved
wonderful, restful sleep tonight
guide their thoughts, hands, & actions tomorrow
as they work on my precious Mother
Please let this give her the relief she needs
for that will give Dad, myself, & her
"army of children" the relief we need.
Holy Spirit
fill that operating room
give it a peace
that peace I have felt on occasion
reach into Mom & help to heal her
Jesu,
be in the rooms with Mom
walk through this with her
may she feel your presence
as she goes through her entire day
and may it bring her peace & calm
help them get everything done in there that they need to
touch her & heal her
help her to walk through recovery well
help her to know how many of us
have been touched by her love for you.

Thank you once again for my families
Mom & Dad,
The Nolls,
The Amspachers,
growth groups,
& LWCC
you have blessed me so very much

Love,
beyond the end of the sky,
B