Saturday, April 25, 2009

to continue reflecting on gifts, among other things...

My gift posts & poems haven't "come out" the way I first envisioned them to. But I will continue, on this with this post....[picking up from yesterday:]

...anyway, I know it's tough to see yourself as a gift sometimes. We are our own greatest enemies. As a video, created by a self-injurer, so powerfully put it: "Where do you go, to escape from yourself?"
While I cannot escape from myself, I'm learning [painfully slowly] that it isn't really so important what I'm running from.... as it is who I'm running to. I'm not perfect [I know someone who is...but I'm not Him]. I don't have all the answers [I'm not even sure I have all the right questions].... but I know who does have all the answers. And sometimes I lie on the floor & pound my fists into the dirt & beg & cry for the answers.....& sometimes.... I'm afraid He might actually give them to me [afraid that getting the answer won't make me feel any better...or fix anything]. The answer I really need, the stuff I really need to know & cling to is:
I'm loved.
I'm loved by THE somebody.
[& He's not the only one...]
I've written this, this way, partly because I suspect I'm not the only one who needs to read it just that way. In the First person, singular.
I WAS going to go to a concert tomorrow. [tomorrow being my birthday]
I'm not going. I'm VERY mad that I'm not going [at least, as of this writing I'm not.. I'm very "wishy washy" about it at this point]....but not for the reason you'd expect.
I'm mad at ME. I waited till this last week to even ask anybody if they wanted to go.
I just "assumed" [& we all know what happens when you assume don't we?] that
"no one would want to go with me to this."
I emailed some friends about going.... not one of them said:
#1 "No, I'm not interested. Why would you ask me?"
#2 "I really HATE Jazz, Brian -sorry."
#3 "I'm sorry, I just don't like him"
Nope. Not one person said any of those things.... but I planned this as if they had. How cruel.
As a matter of fact. My answers were: "Sorry, I'd love to, but I'm really crazy busy right now"
"I think we'll pass this time, but thanks for asking us."
"I'd love to go to see him with you, maybe next time I can go along."

Why do I do this? I essentially gagged them & made up my own answer. ...which makes me wonder.... do I do this to God, too??

[tomorrow I'll try make my last post on this. It's just a little favor...]

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