a few darker poems....

As I sat trying to make a message from a twitter/blog post from twloha for [of all things] a twitter to Hugh Jackman [yeah, the movie star one... I have completely lost it]
I also am thinking over a conversation from Wed. night.
and listening to "Born" by Over the Rhine......

to make a sound

you don't know
how hard it is
to speak
do you?
the thoughts
that run
though
someone's head
afraid
of how
you'll be
if the silence
is broken
sorry
to have
such
painful
violent
memories

You don't know
what it's like
to live through
something
only to realize
...you wish
you hadn't.

You don't realize
how healing
it can be
to speak
...& be heard.
still cared for...
still wanted...
still accepted...
to have someone
sit
in the ugly darkness
refusing
to leave you there

But once someone does
He can show up
in such a way
suddenly
He
has hands
feet
arms His love
transferred
through
the care of another soul
suddenly
even when sickness
sadness
darkness
returns
it is uncomfortable
.....not me
anymore....


can't say: "yes"

I cannot
just give up
& die.
not that I haven't wanted to...
I just can't
I can say it
I can believe it
but I cannot bring it
into my story
like a
pc filter
that kicks
you out of a place
you shouldn't be in
I am "locked out"
of giving up.

Strange,
I spent
far too much time
"right outside the door"
"let me die!!!
"No"
came the thunderous whisper
a secret voice
I cannot
disobey
[or stand against]
so I sat
camped outside a door
I have no place opening

...seems strange now,
to remember that time
even as illness
depresses me
today.....
it's different
I can enter depression
but it cannot stay with me
it can't keep up
...though
it tries to come
between me
and my friends
it is too weak now
my friends
too strong
too close
[perhaps too prayerful]
like bouncers
they stand between us
and echo
the whispered "NO"
"you can't be here....
leave..."

my friends
are a true
and strong
gift.

Sorry I'm a bit darker here. I probably shouldn't post these. But for now I'll leave them up...
soldiers to stand watch....
to remind me of Jamie's blog ending [& now a shirt]
"Wake up
your alive
we're on your side"
B