Monday, August 25, 2008

Unplanned Beauty

My weekend was very restful. Any prolonged time in the woods, in nature, is a "recharging" of my batteries/ a personal "entrance into a holy place"/ a time of ideas being born/ an "untying of the knots" in my life. The picture at the top there is an unplanned... "beautiful accident". I had a shot in "my sights" -& the log fell apart. Disintegrating into this. I'm guessing its the "winding of the embers" that were given off to float away into the night sky. Taking flight, in some random, beauty that only God knew was going to happen. I'm so excited that I caught this, it's my desktop [for now]. Replacing a P.J. Crook painting. Below is another sort of neat "oddity". They evoke a sort of King Crimson vibe, to me. [click on them for a larger view]
I'll try to do a virtual tour of the place later. [yeah, I still haven't done the door pics yet...]
I took pictures, laughed, wrote, remembered previous trips.... was challenged to answer a question I was asked [Sat was a very ...indescribable day/night. So much happened. Beautifully frightening]. I still have no answer... or I'm afraid of the answer.
I finally had the courage, Sat., to "wander off" down at the bridge [pictured in the previous post].
I've been "back there" before. [with varying numbers of my -then- 20 cousins].
Sat. I entered... & Jesus "showed up". No, no splitting of the sky/ hallelujah chorus "stuff". but I just felt Him. [Very "The Difference (in the garden of St. Ann's on the hill)" by King's X, from Gretchen Goes to Nebraska]. I wrote ...for quite a while.
Afterward, I got back late [I so despise being late], So I sneak into the Bible study "already in progress". Little did I know how a small comment I made [a picture from my own darkness] would "rumble around" inside someone there. We were talking about different things, struggles, feeling trapped. And I, awkwardly, opened my mouth & said something like: "...the worst part about our prisons... is, usually, they are locked from the inside." [this kind of gives a peek at the symbolic-ness of "the doors" I spoke of]. My dad came to me, after dark, I have to say I was a bit dizzy at the time. He asks me if I can "come with him for a moment". I've known him too long not to have an inkling of what he might be asking for. [no pun intended] I end up sharing a poem I wrote with this person. As well as where the prison cell reference came from. Truth is, we really aren't alone in there. God is there, even though I didn't always feel Him there. Hand open... with this "can I have them please?" look on His face ["them" being the keys]. I once shared my favorite Pink Floyd song with a friend. He had asked what I use to try to get out of my darker feelings. I have a playlist called hope. I don't own the Floyd song, so it isn't on there. As I told him, it's my favorite Pink Floyd song, but it's on my least favorite Pink Floyd album: The Wall. The very last "song" is called "Outside the Wall"...

Outside the Wall (Waters) 1:42
All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you Walk up and down outside the wall. Some hand in hand And some gathered together in bands. The bleeding hearts and artists Make their stand. And when they've given you their all Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

So, I'm standing there mentally trying not to say too much about myself... yet to speak into this man's darkness... desperately hoping that God can use the words of a broken soul to build a life raft of hope for someone I don't know very well. I must go for now...
but I'll leave with another song that's currently playing on my earphones [same playlist].
[from Courage by Superchick]
"...There are days when i'm ok
And for a moment,
for a moment
i find hope
But there are days when i'm not ok
And i need your help

So i'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Somedays i'm still fighting
to walk
towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it
through another day

You should know
you're not on your own

These secrets are walls
keep us

I don't know when
but i know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

(together we'll make it through somehow)..."

Jesus, As I've said to You before, thank You for those You've made & shared with me. My friends are such a gift. [The most important gifts You've given me... only You could make].

Thanks again for all of them. For allowing me to know them. For their help, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose, always appreciated. They are, for me, the physical manifestation of Your hands & feet. Some have sat & listened... to "complete darkness". Ached with me, even cried for me... knowing I can't always do that. They are You're "floatation devices". They've helped me not to drown [even when I sometimes want to].

So... I reach out, through cyberspace, & I pray that -maybe You will help him write his way out of his "self made trap". All of us down here need You, Jesus. Mere words [of any & all languages] cannot speak to our need for You. They hint, they beg, to try to describe the ache that only You can fill. The spot too big for anyone or thing... but You. Thank You, that you never get too tired, sick, or bored of rescuing us. ...even though I've been tired of needing it for decades. I'm still glad You do it.

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