Wednesday, August 20, 2008


...shear craziness. My life is in a million directions at once. To some extent, no wonder I'm feeling dizzy at times. I think they might be from stress, & breaking my normal rhythm. As these are times when I either get them, or they become more severe. Thankfully, I spent very little time on the floor this time. Anyway, 2 days till I go to my uncle's cabin...
This is what you see when you turn off from "the main drag":

Even looking at this picture is peaceful... & full of memories. This cabin has been in the family since I was around 12. You go all the way down, cross the one lane bridge, back up the other side & you see this sign:

it's right at the end of the driveway. One of many trees "the brothers" have cut down up there. [my dad is one of eight]
My sister-in-law is back home [her parents house]. A layover, of sorts, before she settles in above the square in Red Lion for a few years. So I have more "free reign" of my house again. I really hate that I’m like this, but… I am a complete freak about personal space. You will NEVER find a person with more of a personal space issue than myself –I promise. I’m still amazed that I actually let my wife’s sisters even stay at my house [& I haven’t let them “all at once”, of course]. I also haven’t written much since Thurs. Because I don’t really “get creative” when I have… “witnesses”. I can’t believe I actually let myself take pictures with deAnn & John standing anywhere in my line of sight. I don’t write with others watching [well, I guess, if you count at church, maybe I do… but they sure aren’t looking at me when I’m doing it, & probably think I’m just taking notes.] …I guess I see others as creative, as “special”, I see people as “The Sculptures of God”… everyone, that is… but me. …though, that is slowly becoming just a sad [& old] mantra. One day, feeling the “inner critique” voice saying that previous sentence to me again, I [kind of angrily] wrote this:

But Me
I am so sick & tired of
“but me”
Round & round it goes
And no one knows
How often I say
The world is a masterpiece
The whole world
All of it
…but me
The whole world is beautiful
A work of divine art
…but me
So many beautiful people
That are so fascinating
They are gifted
They are amazing to watch
They are priceless
All of them, that is
…but me
They were supposed to be made
…but not me
Loved by their maker
Created for wonderful tasks
Some to create beautiful paintings
Some to write such wonderful prose
Others to sing
What is in so many of our hearts
To sing
what so many of us can’t find the words to say
I see such beauty in people
other people
…but not me

So why am I
Never very far away from such beauty
…but always feeling like I’m not part of it?
A small group of friends
Yet if they knew this was how I saw me
They would cry.
Bono once sang
“what happened to the beauty I had,
Inside of me?”
What indeed?
Did it get bored & leave?
Why do I feel, Lord....
Like you made everyone
…but me?
Why do I feel like everyone is special
…but me?
Why is it
That everyone thinks I’m something
…but me?
Why is it that everyone can stand me
…but me?
Does no one feel like this
…but me?

Everyone feels inadequate
not just me
But it’s so much easier to say
there’s nothing wrong with the world
…but me…

When the truth is:
No one can change the way I feel about myself
No matter how much they love me
No matter how often they say or show it
No matter how loud they are
In word or deed
No one can change
the way I feel about me
no one…
of course,
…but me
[…so help me do that God…because it’s really hard]

Well, I'll pay for being up this late "as it is"... so I must sign off.

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