reflections on finding my soul

Lots going on this week. Bad week for my allergies. Got to celebrate one of my favorite gifts this week [my Dad's b-day was Mon. Good food, great conversation. once again I find myself saying: "it may be your b-day, but I got the gift. I got you." People are the best gifts. -I'll post the poem born from this in April] Got home from an evening with Dad, & found out that my friend & neighbor, Jared [& his wife Becky] had a boy. Then bad news, in 2's. Tues. a co-worker mentioned the anniversary of his wife's death. Wed. I found out that 2 friends I'd lost touch with [who are now married to each other] lost their baby boy. [...& an old wound bleeds anew...] I, myself, am fine. I am [as I commented on L.L.'s blog] unfolding myself. Finding my soul. [or, perhaps better said, my soul re-awakens] Things seem different, lately. As though God has started over, yet without "throwing the other me out". I write, pretty much every day now. Some is very poetic, almost to the point where it's an "out of body experience". I almost say "I'd like to meet the person who wrote that". My allergies have me on pills [those who know me well, know how I despise pills]. My skin isn't too bad, right now. [besides hives when I weed out front. I get this itchy, weird, "can't stand to be in my skin" feeling at times.]
I again, swing back to the fact that in spite of the "downer" stuff that is in my life. I am in a mending, awakening, artistic phase. I am also stuck on the new U2 disc. [wrote a poem answer to Magnificent, among about 5 or 6 other poems while listening to it.]

I found my soul...
It seems like I have been looking for you
forever
I'm sorry you got lost
I'm sorry
that the last time I saw you
you were being violated
torn up
beat down
but I'm glad I found you...
[I'm glad you are still here]

I found my soul
damaged
whimpering in a corner
trying
not to make
a sound
so worn out
like a three legged dog
a weird
shriveled thing
that I thought
no one wanted...

I found my soul
& I found people
who would pray for it
people who would nurse it
back to health
I keep losing my soul
I found it in a youth ministry
They helped to make it whole
I "refound" it
in an odd place
a church
in an old school building
a living church
a beautiful body
of Christ
that has
[and seems to continue
in new & ever deepening ways]
written love
all over my soul

[...I'm not sure this is finished, but it is for tonight. I will get back on track soon...]

thanks [& why so quiet lately]

a quick note...
Thanks to all who have commented on "[for L.L.] Grace found me anyway". I am speechless, and encouraged. I am writing -just not here very much. This is a hectic time of year for me. Complicated by the fact that my allergies are in "full bloom". [meaning I am on med.'s, feeling like I just left a Dead show, & skin problems] I'll try to post "in earnest" soon again...

A wonderful video [I hope this works]

I've never done this before. I'm going to try to embed a video from To Write Love on Her Arms. So I don't even know how this will look/work. I love what Renee Yohe says in this video. About community, about how maybe our painful stories are actually our ministry. I love the title of her book [it's a collection of writings from her journal] called: Purpose for the Pain. The three year anniversary is sobriety from drugs, alcohol, & self injury. To borrow from deAnn [over on Vertical Creativity]. It's her "living into her skin". Renee is the "her" in To Write Love on Her Arms. Hope you like this as much as I did...


Renee, Three Years. from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.


I will probably post more on "skin" later. As well as things Renee says here.
Enjoy. Know you are loved.

Thank You, Father

Father,
Thank you for the ability to write...
for the way
that writing
is a lost key
to the prison
I've locked me
in
I don't know
why I put me
here
I guess
sometimes
I feel like...
when You made me
You goofed
Like I was made wrong
a "defect" from the factory
A "lemon"
But...
there is no verse
that says
"...& God said: oops,
sorry, I didn't mean to do that."
This must mean
that I am
not one,
either
writing
is helping me
to see myself
as less of a waste
to begin
to see me
as having purpose
it just hasn't quite
been revealed yet.
Like a new cd
that I know is coming
but I'm not allowed
to hear it just yet.
Thank You
that you would go through
so much anguish
just to shout to me
without words
"you're alive
I love you
I want you"
I'm glad
that You
want me God
cause I need You
[...so bad I can taste it]

[for L.L.] Grace found me anyway…

L.L. I feel like we are kids. Using blogs like little children who should be sleeping, but aren’t. So we write little messages, just so we don’t get caught. These writing prompts are like that.

I feel, as far as grace goes, like it often finds me –in spite of my not looking for it…

Grace found me
Grace found me
When I was busy
Doing something else
Grace found me
When I really
Needed
To be found
Grace
Found me
In a hospital
When 2 children
Were born
Too early
Without
A sound
Grace found me
In a park
When my friends
Left town
Grace finds me
In a room
Designed by new friends
Who show
Grace to me
When I don’t want
To be found
Grace stayed with me
When I crawled
Out the back window
Of my up side down car
Grace stayed with me
When I couldn’t
Get off the floor

I guess
You might say
“When I went searching for grace”
I couldn’t move
So grace came to me
As a man
Who would heal my wounds
But keep his

A story of looking for grace? Again, I wasn’t looking for grace… I was trying to find words. Words, for my sister-in-law. She had just lost twins, they were 18 weeks old. Words… all words seemed to crawl out of my mouth, ashamed of themselves & hide. There were no words. I would later be asked: “how do you feel?” “…the marrow of my bones ache.” My DNA, the particles that made up the atoms that were, essentially me, were crying out “there is something wrong with this world… & I want it fixed…NOW”

“Brian, are you mad at God?” “No… I know God too well to be mad at Him…but not well enough to know what He’s doing.”

But there… in the hospital… Grace swallowed me whole. Sometimes the best thing to say… is to show up. To sit in the darkness together. Wordless. I had told a friend from LW, who kept others, who would pray for us, “in the loop”. As I left, walking the halls of the hospital. I felt I had walked into a “wall of grace” made of water [for some odd reason]. As I walked out, I felt drenched. Drenched by grace. I felt like it was dripping from me… oozing into the cracks in the floor. Silently whispering for it to search out & calm others, as it was doing for me.

I would later read a book by Dan Allender [the Healing Path] where he mentions [to me at least] the single greatest thing one needs when facing such darkness. When we find ourselves “shattered”, into thousands of pieces.

I asked an Audiologist [a scientist who studies sound], “If a tree falls in the forest, & no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?”
“No” he replied. “In order for it to make a sound, someone has to hear it.”

This is the one question a heart that is shattering is asking… “did you hear that?”
Grace says “yes, I did.”
Jesus says “I am right here”

May His grace drip from your fingers,

Beginning Lent

Last night I got to experience "The Labyrinth, a Sacred Space" @ LW. Though they seem to not be calling it The Labyrinth anymore. There has been at least one time when it didn't follow a Labyrinth "structurally". So I understand why they might not be calling it that anymore.
It does free up the artists who create the space to create more freely, "a space" as opposed to always making a path for you to follow. -though that has always been, even though you are free -even encouraged- to move about the space as you feel God speaking to you. Spending more time in one room than another. Perhaps even spending all of your time in one room. I may spend all of one of my visits in one room. [I typically go 2 times in a given year]
For me [if I may "wax poetic" for a moment] Stepping into the Labyrinth... is stepping... inside God. I feel Him "on me" in a way that can best be described as jumping into the ocean. [Ala cliff diving into it.] Everything feels different. There is a smell. No, not a smell that is put into the room. A familiar smell. The scent of God. It is also a time of brutal honesty. Sharing frustration. You know, "taking the gloves off", as it were. Of saying, again, "God, I know You too well to be mad at You. ...but not well enough to know what You're doing."

This year my growth group went. The Labyrinth. In a group. My friend I told said it best: "Ick". This is a very private time with God. Very personal, "you & God" thing.
However, I had never done it as a group. I'll try a lot of things, once. We ended up going by ourselves, at our own pace. Just meeting beforehand, then spacing out, so as not to be too crowded. Encouraged to enjoy it at our own pace. Don't feel forced to act/ think/ be any certain way [other than respectful & quiet for others]. It went very well. I so loved it. I moved into a more free place with it this year. I actually laid down on the floor in one room. [I never felt comfortable doing that previously] I wrote feverishly in about 4 rooms. I even wrote a poem in one room. [just sorta "came out".]
I think I may go back & delve into these 4 rooms a bit deeper. A friend [who is involved in creating the space] told me she thought I'd love one room... I have to admit, each of the rooms I liked, made me think, if only for a moment, "this one?". But then I saw a sign in one room, the moment I saw it... I instantly smiled, & thought of her. I tried to wipe that smile off, gave up, & breathed a prayer of thanks for my friend. [I may, in the coming weeks, post more "in depth" about what I got out of this room & the 3 others.]
Well, I must go, for now. I plan to post another color poem. But I have to figure out how to preface the thing first.

"color poems" [blue]

L.L. Barkat is creating these little "games" [can I call them games?] for writers. "Poem Challenges" might seem better. So I will attempt to encourage a friend & write one at the same time.
[btw, this title is borrowed from a wonderful song by Paul McCartney]
Why so Blue?
i hear how you are
it saddens me so
I think
i may know
why your blue
please don't be
so hard on yourself
there are more people
than you probably know
who are cheering for you
praying, too
We wait
with great
anticipation
for whatever
you end up
doing next
hoping
and praying
you'll share it
with
"the rest of the class"
why so blue?
creative little you
blue
is a nice color
used to be my favorite
deep
ocean
blue
but blue
is the wrong crayon
when painting
your mood
I wish
you could see you
as the rest
of us do
you are so creative
so encouraging
please tell us
let us know
how
do we
learn
to encourage you?
why so blue?
[we love you... do you even know?]

As I stated, this is kinda written for 2 people that I know.
I wrote a few "red" ones...
We'll see if I have the guts to share any...