I've been working on a review of the film TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.
oh..... um, this isn't it....
All the ways you wanna punish Renee for being a s**t friend will pale in
comparison to the ways Renee will punish herself."
-McKenna [TWLOHA movie]
Some will never understand how true that
is of a person they love enough to be hurt by. Some have no idea that
the person that can hurt me the worst.... WILL NEVER BE YOU. That person
is actually... me. You will never be able to be as bad to me, as abusive to me, as I can.
explain. If you beat me up... you will look at me for a handful of
moments, & then leave. I don’t get to leave me behind. Where am I
gonna go that I won’t be there? This means that I can beat on me for
DAYS without end. So my beating on myself will last infinitesimally
longer than your beating ever will. I also know so much more about me than you do. So I can hurt me more efficiently than you can. It can go deeper, much faster, & last so very much longer. Most of you have no real idea exactly how cruel I can be to myself.
From this standpoint, I can comprehend the dialogue between Dylan & Renee...
Dylan: "Why did you do that to your arm?"
Renee: "It just looked right."
Probably the easiest, shortest way to convey, in some way, how harsh I've been to me over the years is a story I can tell in short form like this:
I was in a peer counseling group in high school. As some of you know [all too well] I have a "quick wit" about me. This is not always a "gift". As you will see.
One girl was joking with me. We were bantering back & forth. What she didn't have any knowledge of was, I really didn't want to talk. I wanted to be invisible. Not be seen, spoken to, or acknowledged. I was being a real bully to my own self. Inside, of course. So, as she ran out of clever things to say, she said [but did not mean]: "I hate you, B!" To which I [not fully realizing that my filter had been turned off] said: "Get to the back of the line, honey. I was here first." You cannot fully imagine the look of shear horror that quickly swept across her face. Our conversation had come to a violent halt. She came to me a short time later: "Do you REALLY feel that way?" "Um.... yeah. I do sometimes. I don't really need you to hate me. I'm better at it than you."
I have learned to be kind to myself. No, really, I have. Not that I can't turn on me at a moments notice. Yet, I have learned to recognize the signs. I have learned.... put together resources... to keep this "at bay". Learned to fight back against this. Recently, I have put together quotes from people. Some from Twitter. Songs [of course]. You learn to use what works for you. I write. [as I've mentioned before]
I'm learning to be braver with others.
Talking about this coming week. How I'm not sure how I'll be till it's over. I'll survive. It's what I do. I'm just not sure how much fun I'll be. I could be "atitudinally challenged." Or a bit "wolverine like". [in all the non glorious, annoyingly "north end of a south bound horse" ways.] [need more adjectives here]
-ok. Enough. You get the point. Hopefully you laughed a tiny bit in there somewhere.
I'm not really comfortable with this post. Yet, as I told someone tonight, I'm hoping to be courageous enough to share a bit more of myself on here over the next month. So this is a feeble attempt to begin this. [hopefully it won't bite me in the rear in the near or not so near future]
May His grace drip from your fingers,