Saturday, December 7, 2013

several fragments

So in trying to be honest, I've got some stories for ya.

First, I'm not really into Christmas this year. I can't explain it. I'm not in a "I hate Christmas" thing... I'm usually crazy about it. "all out" over it. This year... I'm a step above a yawn. I just cannot engage in my usual "fanfare". I'm trying to figure out why. So far... nothing. Maybe it's because I'm occupied with growth. I'm also not as uber excited over the possibility of snow tomorrow. I usually listen to just Christmas music from Thanksgiving day till Christmas day [& struggle to put it away till new years]. So I just thought I'd share that. It's why I'm not putting up a lot of reflections on it this season. I'm still glad for all that this season means. Glad that God entered His creation. Wrote Himself into "the story of us". Ok.... that's one.

I mentioned seeing my abuser the other day... I didn't completely come away unscathed. I had some "broken moments". Biting at my lip [a very old habit, I'm afraid]. So I have been very close friends with my Burt's Bees lip balm. It works to keep my lips from being chapped & it tastes bad, which aides in the prevention of biting my lip till it bleeds. I've had some emotionless moments as well. These things happen. "falling down is not failure, not getting back up is". I'm glad it happened on a Wednesday. I went to group, which we joined the coffee bar group meeting some missionaries. I did something that was out of character for me. I actually asked most of my guys for a hug. I'm not very big on that. I have a few guys that I hug. Mostly because they like it, & initiate it. This night I went to most of them for one. It's nice to be surrounded by people who "have your back". I'm doing better again. It just becomes a moment to pause & take note of.

Second, I wrote to a good friend the other day. [email] I had told him about my dark pages a long time ago [before I came up with that name for them]. He's known me since I was in high school. He was amazing. I shared detailed info about it. Then, sometime later, I began to go to therapy. I mentioned not wanting to go, rather vehemently. When I finally did go, it took a while to be able to tell those pages. When I did, I wrote to this friend. I told him how I felt. Recently I wrote this "update" for it.

I've been meaning to tell you this for quite some time now. You may not remember me telling you [years ago] about a "how I felt" moment. It was after I first told a therapist my story. I told you about a room. Feeling:
"naked in a concrete room. No windows or lights. chained to the floor. Barely seeing a wooden door in the ceiling...& not being able to reach it."
Do you remember that? I'm sure there was much more detail to it than that. However, I'm not really going to research the actual wording. The point is to take you there... as it is now.
That "room" now:
[this came to me a few weeks ago, or a month ago]
"turns out the room, at least now, is in the side of a mountain... The floor is still there, however, there's grass & weeds growing up between/ around the edges of the blocks. One of the walls is still completely there. The one against the mountain. A small part of the connecting walls is still there. Yet if you turn your back to the mountain you can see a breathtaking view. Which easily makes you forget where you are standing. In what was a dark prison cell. The ceiling is gone. small pieces of concrete, a rusty screw or two, & some splinters are all that's left to remind you there ever was a ceiling, with a door in it, at all. The shackles are vacant. Empty of their prisoner, seemingly for quite some time now. Lifeless on the floor, also rusting. The sunrise streaming onto the mountain. Into the this place like the sun itself was brandishing a thousand Katana Swords. Each stabbing into the concrete..."
Hope... runs free.
Just thought I'd share.

Now... I just need to post some songs...&?
Pentatonix - Little Drummer Boy
Four guys playing one piano - Angels We Have Heard on High

Rest in peace Nelson Mandela... [I may post some of his quotes that a friend put up on facebook later]
U2 - Ordinary Love [from the movie Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom]
A talk Jamie Tworkowski gave recently [thank you Creative Mornings]

Thankful for our series on "Hope Has Come"
oddly... several movies I'd like to see have hope mentioned in their trailers...
The Book Thief 
X-men: Days of Future Past

Hope... runs free.
Just thought I'd share.
May His grace drip from your fingers,

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