Wednesday, December 4, 2013

a randomness post. [or "I couldn't sleep anyway"]

I wanted to get up at 4:30am this morning... however, 3:30 will do I guess. So I got up wrote a little bit, read a little bit. Now I am drawn to this. I am supposed to drive today, for work. My 6hr drive to Delaware & back for a delivery. Which will be fine. I'll be awake & "me" for that. I have my Growth Group [small group @ LW. a men's group]. Don't know how much "fun" I'll be to them tonight. I might be either spent or wired, difficult to see. Neither is really "better" than the other. As long as I feel something we should be good. I don't usually sit for that long in a day, unless I'm sick. So I can be ready to run laps around the church when I finally get there. Though, sometimes, I can be "up" [meaning conscious] for so long that I just do not feel much of anything anymore. It doesn't bother me. It probably would if someone else was doing it, though. Emotionless -ness is kind of weird. [yeah, like I had to tell you that. Thank you Captain Obvious] When I'm aware that I'm..."there" I try to avoid people as much as possible. It can be unsettling. Yet, I really love my group, & LW in general, so it's the one setting I sometimes use as an exception to some of my rules about people. I've often tried to "shield" them from my "quirks"... only to find them not simply ready & willing, but almost desiring to be given a chance to "love me anyway" in the midst of whatever happens to be my "current state". A rare find, I know. Yet, what happens, partly because of this is I can try to break out of these states. I may go not feeling much & thinking I shouldn't be there. Yet the warmth of my brothers there, will gently "reshape" my mood. Bring me to a peaceful place. this would be why I sometimes forgo, or ignore, my thought to avoid a situation that involves them. Sundays can be like this as well. Just one more reason I love my church family.

so, after all that, & realizing that my grammar on this post leaves something to be desired. I'll post a few of my random writings from this morning.
I recently finished re-reading my book "Inside a Cutter's Mind". Chances are you know someone who self-injures, even if you don't know they do it. I'll never forget Pastor Rob explaining why he has a bowl one of his children made, sitting on his desk, full of razorblades. On Sunday morning. "each one represents one person who came to me & said: [something like] 'I felt like I should tell you. I cut myself...on purpose."
I enjoyed Person of Interest's last new episode. Though it went through me listening, again, to Johnny Cash's cover of the Nine Inch Nails song "Hurt". A very dark song, though I still love the line: "...& you can have it empire, of dirt...." I'm not sure I should link to this. For some, especially if you are a self-injurer, it might not be safe. I, myself, don't watch just the song part of the episode.

on a lighter side...
Close friends are like ornaments on the tree of life. [with a man from Nazareth as the gift under it]
Be safe, gotta go, pills to take food to eat, and a beautiful drive to take...

May His grace drip from your fingers,

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