I'll explain later...

a poem, about gifts. I'm working on something rather lengthy right now. [oh...yeah, I am feeling more "me". My stomach is settling, I have 3 days left till the pills are gone!]

Real Gifts

Birthdays

And Christmas

I get gifts

On these days

I must make a list

Of “what I want”

So I might receive

Some of these things

Books

Music

Art

Tools to fix things

Things that need tools

Just to put them together

Out for dinner

Perhaps a movie

A long walk

A fruitful talk

A scenic view

Enjoyed by few

But…

Lately…

I can’t seem to make

Long lists

Like I used to

…

Truth is

You can’t buy

What I want

They don’t sell it

That’s ok

…I couldn’t afford it anyway

The things I’ll get

Nice as they will be

[cannot add up, to you & me]

They are “post it” notes

As far as I can see

Reminders

That you love me

Sometimes

I cannot imagine

Why

…but I cannot

Imagine

Living

Without it

You will ask me again

This year

[and soon, now, I know]

“What do you want

For your birthday?”

Really

Honestly

I know it’s hard

For you to believe

I know

You don’t think it’s much

But

All

I want

Is you

by brian n.

A movie I must see

ok... that didn't go as planned [A movie I must see]

I saw this trailer [previous post] when I went to see Seven Pounds.
Don't know why, but I'm going to see this next Sat. afternoon.....
I just kind of love stories where someone is found....
Someone who seems marginalized or "thrown away" by the world [maybe overlooked is less harsh].
I think my favorite line is when Robert Downy Jr says:
"being his friend..... will carry you home."
[& I love the 2 songs. This trailer's classical one -don't know the title or composer. & the TV spot with "Human" by The Killers]
Went to my favorite bookstore on Fri. before my allergy appointment [thankfully it was "on the way"] & Hearts & Minds has the book of this movie! [why am I surprised? They always have cool stuff.]

....as you can see, I'm all over the place lately. my emotions seem like the weather, "if you don't like 'em wait fifteen minutes". [which is code for please bear with me]
today I'm stepping down to 2 pills a day!!! which hopefully means my stomach will feel better.
I need to get back to my usual "hang with Him routine" now....
enjoy the trailer.

a few darker poems....

As I sat trying to make a message from a twitter/blog post from twloha for [of all things] a twitter to Hugh Jackman [yeah, the movie star one... I have completely lost it]
I also am thinking over a conversation from Wed. night.
and listening to "Born" by Over the Rhine......

to make a sound

you don't know
how hard it is
to speak
do you?
the thoughts
that run
though
someone's head
afraid
of how
you'll be
if the silence
is broken
sorry
to have
such
painful
violent
memories

You don't know
what it's like
to live through
something
only to realize
...you wish
you hadn't.

You don't realize
how healing
it can be
to speak
...& be heard.
still cared for...
still wanted...
still accepted...
to have someone
sit
in the ugly darkness
refusing
to leave you there

But once someone does
He can show up
in such a way
suddenly
He
has hands
feet
arms His love
transferred
through
the care of another soul
suddenly
even when sickness
sadness
darkness
returns
it is uncomfortable
.....not me
anymore....


can't say: "yes"

I cannot
just give up
& die.
not that I haven't wanted to...
I just can't
I can say it
I can believe it
but I cannot bring it
into my story
like a
pc filter
that kicks
you out of a place
you shouldn't be in
I am "locked out"
of giving up.

Strange,
I spent
far too much time
"right outside the door"
"let me die!!!
"No"
came the thunderous whisper
a secret voice
I cannot
disobey
[or stand against]
so I sat
camped outside a door
I have no place opening

...seems strange now,
to remember that time
even as illness
depresses me
today.....
it's different
I can enter depression
but it cannot stay with me
it can't keep up
...though
it tries to come
between me
and my friends
it is too weak now
my friends
too strong
too close
[perhaps too prayerful]
like bouncers
they stand between us
and echo
the whispered "NO"
"you can't be here....
leave..."

my friends
are a true
and strong
gift.

Sorry I'm a bit darker here. I probably shouldn't post these. But for now I'll leave them up...
soldiers to stand watch....
to remind me of Jamie's blog ending [& now a shirt]
"Wake up
your alive
we're on your side"
B

If I owned a radiostation [& still not feeling well]

Well, my med.'s have me all over the place. [don't feel well, physically... or emotionally really. It stinks, out loud.] But, I'm still trying to do new things.... in that vein, I now have a "make-shift" radio on the bottom of this blog. [hope you can listen too, if you'd like. I'm "just getting my feet wet" in it. Chick won't have a singer with him, that I know of, but it's one of my fav.'s]
Don't know if I'll actually post [twitter/facebook/email] much over the next few days.
Sadly, I'm quite miserable.
And music is the only drug I love taking....
Good night, sleep well [dream big]
B

...ok, said I'd update everywhere

I'm trying to "make good" here....
So, I went to see the ENT today [I know, it's after 12 am, so yesterday].
I don't need surgery. I will be on Prednisone for a week or so. He said that I have the "beginnings" of a polyp on the left side, but it's early enough that this should help to fix everything. Don't have to go for another 6 months. I'm glad to be [or seem to be] through the worst of my allergies. Though, I have been full of energy one day [or hour], & wiped out the next. We did discuss that I should get the allergy shots. Not fun [have I mentioned my love of needles? {add sarcasm}] I'm relieved that I won't need surgery. I have my vacation time back [to use completely as I choose]. I have projects that need done around the house, so I'll have more time for them.
I was dreading a "round 2" of needing help [something I am horrid at asking for], & the last time I woke up [from surgery -"post op"] was jarring -to say the least. I like knowing: how I got where I am/ who all is near me/ where my exit is/ knowing that I won't have to use Cnctema to get to the exit [wherever it is]. ...Why? let's just say [for now] that my childhood wasn't dull. [oh, & for a somewhat brief knowledge of Cnctema, click here, or here. Mikhail Ryabko's best student is: Vladimir Vasiliev one of who's best students is Steven Bentz... who at one time, said the same of me. This is probably all I'll say about martial arts for a while. Though I believe Systema -as it is spelled in English- has taught me a lot about my creator. Which is where I'll bother picking up if I ever talk about it again.]
Well, that was a rabbit trail & a half.
So anyway, I should go for now... this post feels very "disjointed" & like some sort of train wreck between a facebook post & 2 blog posts that don't go together.
So I'll get "back to sanity" [& poems] now....

to short for a title [...or prelude to the Labyrinth]

Well... This is somewhat my life right here. -actually, it is what my life has been. Sometimes more slowly than I'd like, I am untwisting. I am in a state that is both exciting, & terrifying. I'm hoping to have the courage [now that the Labyrinth is over] to share a bit of my journey through it. For now though, I must go.
I get to find out [tomorrow] if I'm going to have another round surgery....