Sunday, July 6, 2014

some photos, a poem, & other random words

ok, I was sitting there this morning as I listened to the talk unfold...and for some reason this came out of me:
half of me 
has been trying to kill 
the other half of me
because all of me
can barely understand 
any of me.

Not a very kind sort of thing to post, I know. Yet... it is so very true. Not true over the past few years, mind you. [roughly 4 yrs. Don't ask how I arrived at that number. It's just this..."gut thing" to me.] I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. So welcome to a journey of surprise for us both. 
I needed to hear the talk today. And I needed the irony of the film my wife & I watched afterward [The Fault in Our Stars] The talk today was: WRESTLING with the love of God. Learning to know that God loves us...exactly as we are, where we are. Something I have spoken to Him about many, many times. Mainly how He can love someone who can't always stand themselves. The movie spoke similarly to this. One of the final lines was this: "They wanted to be remembered long after they died... I believe it is better to be remembered & loved deeply, by a few, than to be adored by many."
My life doesn't fit into a cute Disney movie that ends with me riding off into the sunset. Truthfully, most really good, gut wrenching stories.......don't. I still struggle. I may be done with therapy, yet I am not done with struggle, or messiness. [it would be SO VERY NICE if that was the way it isn't] I'm glad I had a 3 day weekend. To slowly bring me back to a healthier place again. Which started with a photography opportunity on Thurs night. That was fun. Don't know if my photos are "stellar" or anything, it was fun anyway. I got to "get lost" in the best way. Took a walk yesterday. Always a good thing. Haven't needed a band-aide for a few days, always a good sign. So I don't know where to leave off at... yet I need to soon get going. So I'll finish this with some photos that will appear next on this menagerie.

The sky last night.

Better to me
what happened?
why'd I get here?
do I let me
take me here?
haven't I lived here 
long enough?
didn't I have this argument already?
I cancelled my reservation
I don't want this table
I really don't want this anymore
I am valuable
I guess I need to fight harder
and more subtly
I need 
to be better to me
I know it's true
I know
it matters to you
it matters to me, too
I know I didn't travel
all this way
to just give a thumbs up 
and go back
I'm meant
-if anything-
to rest & then
I know I'm going to
no matter how much it hurts
no matter how hard it gets
no matter how steep the climb

b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,

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