Ironically, it is never a good day to loose someone. Not only did we have the funeral, I was asked to read a poem during the service. Me. The guy who likes to sit back & listen to others talk. The guy who hates ["with the white-hot intensity of a 1,000 suns"] to be the "center of attention". THIS is gonna be good. honestly, Mick kept saying things like: "I'll do it FOR you, if you want." "I'll go up with you. Would that be better?"
"No. I'll do this. I feel like I should do this. Some strange part of me wants to."
I nixed 1 word. NO ONE cared.
...and I realized why we ask someone else to do things like this. As I read it I could hear my Mom reading it. In that moment I realized that, were this my own mother's funeral, I wouldn't stand a chance of reading it the whole way without loosing it. Partly just because I could hear her rhythm of her reading it out loud. I only almost lost it when I reached her Dad, my father-in-law, & he said to me: "Thanks Brian, that was beautiful. You did it so well. I really appreciate it."
It also made the nervousness worth it. After the day, which was not as stressful as I thought it was going to be, thanks to prayers & VERY helpful co-workers. I posted this on facebook:
"Thanks all. It's nice to have the prayers of many "hugging your soul" though a day."
I was wrung out today. So I didn't do a whole lot of "important stuff". I watched a Veronica Mars marathon, had ice cream, made egg sandwiches for lunch, & pizza for supper. NOT a banner day, here. Yet feeling better.
I have thought of writing on death for quite a while. So I thought maybe tonight would be good. So here goes...
While I have spent way more time thinking of what a waste my life was, to have existed at all. I have for the past 4 years [roughly] been past that. With yesterday fresh in my mind. I liked that several people didn't wear black, yesterday. My Mother-in-law wore red, Grandma's favorite color. I rebelled myself. I wore the dark blue suit. Looking [& feeling] very much like a shorter version of Mr. Reese from Person of Interest. I wore 2 things that were, "me". My survival cord bracelet thing. And my classic Mickey Mouse tie. My cousin Bradley looked, saw it, & gave me a smile & a thumbs up.
I'm the guy who makes people laugh when they think that maybe they shouldn't. Yet they would like to to lighten the mood. Not that I can't cry. Not that I can't be sad. Maybe it's my way of embracing To Write Love On Her Arms' theme of HEAVY & LIGHT. I don't know.
I've thought about the fact that people say: "I'm sorry for your loss." or "You lost someone." I didn't loose them. I know EXACTLY where they are.... I just don't know how to get there, & I'm not allowed to go, yet.
One day "I will go to [them], but [they] will not return to me.” - 2 Samuel 12:23
As for when I die... To borrow from The Fellowship of The Ring: "I suspect I shall not return, in fact, I mean not to."
I often say to them, [among other things] when death is near: "I will see you soon...sooner for you than for me, I'm afraid."
As always I think of songs.
When my Dad's Mom died, I really connected with U2's Where the Streets Have No Name This version, from Rattle & Hum, is for Mick.... especially the end "...oh, darlin'....oh now darlin', I wanna go there with you, yeah..."
Yesterday I thought of 2 songs by Gungor. When Death Dies & This Is Not The End.
I thought of my own death yesterday. Not from an "it should happen already" standpoint. From a stand point of those I could end up leaving behind. A sort of thoughts to remember. Or perhaps a...... me helping you get over me..."thing". [told you I'm "different"]
Songs I think of....
Paul McCartney - The End of The End Don't know if I agree with all of the lyrics here, yet I do really connect with some of them loudly. "...at the end of the end, I'd like jokes to be told, & stories of old, to be rolled out like carpets, that children have played on & laid on while listening to stories of old ...I'd like bells to be rung, & songs that were sung, to be hung out like blankets, that lovers have played on & laid on, while listening to songs that were sung"
The Choir - To Bid Farwell
"And if this were farewell, friend
Would you hear one final
For the songs I never would sing
If I were to bid farewell my friend today
A glad song
As the bells beyond the night ring
And though I walked beneath the moon
The sun was in my eyes
So this is not a sorry tune
But heaven help me
A sad sigh
For the words I never would say
If I were to bid farewell the world today
A glad sigh
For the promise of a new day
If I were to bid farewell and fly away
A sad sigh
For the songs I never could sing
If I were to bid farewell to you today
A glad song
As the bells beyond the night ring
If I were to bid farewell and fade away...."
One last song. I thought of this a long time ago. When one of my cousins died very young [17 yrs old]. Then it was to her little sister, yesterday, I thought of my nieces....
The Choir - Wide-eyed Wonder
I don't mind tears. I'm not ashamed of them or scared. All I would ask on that day, is that you don't stop there. Live. Keep living. Today I thought of one of TWLOHA's shirts. The one that reads: "Wake up, you're ALIVE. We're on your side."
Don't just keep living, though. MEAN IT. Do it for real. If you outlive me. You can wear black...or... you could wear green or red. I enjoy Christmas colors. Because once I die, I will forever after be "green". ...and red will be the reason. You can wear orange, or blue, or yellow, or purple, or brown. All colors you find in nature. Which I love to be in. This part might be unsettling... I would rather be cremated, & have my ashes scattered into a stream in a park. If you are going to come & visit where my body "rests" [the "shell" this "ghost" is in], I'd like it to be somewhere peaceful , tranquil. If you want to gather things. If facebook still exists, if Twitter still exists, post songs & photos there. As you all know I enjoy both.
If we hung out. if we had stories, funny & sad to uncontrollable tears. I have loved & enjoyed you. If we were related, I enjoyed growing up with you. I have loved & enjoyed you in my life. Do not forget that. Do not regret that. Some heartbreak...is SO worth it. It means you have loved & been loved. It. is. good. even though it hurts. Do not hate yourself. Let someone else with no imagination do that FOR you. YOU ARE WAY TO IMPORTANT FOR THAT CRAP. Let it fall to the floor. To be vacuumed away. No matter what, you matter. remember that. Write it down till your pen dries up, you run out of paper, your hand cramps up. Really bad. Don't let what someone does to you, tell you that you have no value. You have value. You ALWAYS had value. [you. always. will.]
Remember.... we will out live death. We will stand over the tombstones of sin & death & time.....&. we. will. dance. On THAT day...we will not cry, for every tear will have been wiped away. Remember...
I'm not dying, or terminal [at least that I know of.] So don't panic. Just some thoughts I've been wanting to share. Now... if you don't mind, I'm going to end this wild ride on a positive, life affirming note. With some different posts. [most of which are thanks to To Write Love On Her Arms. I can't believe the movie will come out March 2015! I WILL see it]
Today Means Amen
Shake the dust
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