WELCOME TO MIDNIGHT!

Welcome to a new beginning. A new year. Who knows what will come of this year. Guess it's time to explore it.

As for those resolutions..
Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. Quite a few years ago I decided to try to go a years without buying any new music. Those who know me well know how hard that is for me. I just wanted to try. To prove to myself that I don't worship music, itself. I decided to try new years as an easy to remember date. I did succeed. After about four new years of trying. Talk about bummed. Yet, when I succeeded...I felt so good. A long fought victory. Other times I fought, I prayed, for days on end. desperately for something. For a change to come. You know, those: " this year, please make [blank] happen. - or stop happening." Only to eventually wake up & go "...wait, when did that finally happen? Where was I at?" Crazy. Change isn't often easy. Whether you suddenly have to deal with it having happened. Or if you are trying to instigate the change.

I have a friend who has decided to eliminate wasting time. I'm not sure when, or in what form, I began to really examine my life. To eliminate the wasteful, stressful parts. Talk about one thing leading to another. Who knew obtaining from music would lead to clothing changes, furniture changes... explorations into art. Long, meditative walks/hikes... you never know where a change can lead... even mistakes... can lead you somewhere. You may have needed to go there...more than you know.

Welcome to midnight. Remember though, there's another one in 24 hours. Every 24 hours. There are a lot of chances to start again. Don't give up.

Now.... I gotta kiss my girl!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a day, a movie update, & welcoming midnight

Hello all. In the ongoing craziness that is me getting my CDL license, I passed the part of the test I took. [more on that later. For now..... I would like to shamelessly plug a movie. Partly in the secret hope it will play in York.
I believe that I've mentioned the organization 
  

It began with a story. And has become a movement. A movement of community. Some have seen me use their hashtags [#twloha #peopleneedotherpeople #loveisthemovement] I know I've used others... 
Some have seen my shirts. The "black title" one [with the Donald Miller quote on it]. The @sevenly colab shirt: "La Vie Et Belle", & my brown title shirt. 
They began by helping a girl named Renee. Who I got the pleasure of meeting this year. Along with meeting [several weeks later] Founder [& author of the story] Jamie Tworkowski.
I got a Christmas gift. -ok, well I wasn't the only one who got it. A film was made of Renee's story. 
Of the story behind this wonderful non-profit. I have posted before about the film. Which SONY has picked up, & will be releasing in March of 2015. So... I'm taking a little time before I go off to sleep for the last time this year to promote this film again. Since the new year starts a countdown to the movie.
[here's a link: To Write Love On Her Arms movie
& others: twloha on nbc twloha on cbs ]

The "plan" was to help a friend. How interesting it is that in helping one friend... they would make so many more... As they grew they wanted people to be able to talk about things like depression, self-injury, suicide, addictions, sexual abuse... because we all need to be real with at least one person. We all need people.We need each other. Sometimes it's hard to admit it. It can be hard to trust. Especially when trust has been betrayed. Yet we need others...sometimes to remind us that we matter. To remind us that how our story ends is very important to them. I would love to say more... however, tomorrow will be my longest New Years Eve, & I'm not going to survive it. I'm not going to simply "exist through & beyond it". I'm going to be fully alive in it.
To be fully awake. ...and I'm going to be thinking about Renee.... about Jamie... about TWLOHA.... about new beginnings, new chapters.......
and I'm going to remember their countdown.... an old t-shirt they made last year....
titled:
WELCOME TO MIDNIGHT
I do believe there are better days ahead. I do believe that there are awesome days to live for. Days that will be better than today. Yeah, there will be days to tolerate. Days where I'll still say: "due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled." However, there will be good days. Days to laugh with friends & family. Days to eat good food, while having good conversations, telling funny old stories. Days to just hang out. Days to take long wonderful hikes through the woods, days to take photos of sunsets & frost, snow & leaves, flowers in the rain...
Here's to those days.
May you have more than your "fair share" of them.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

The Anatomy of a Gift [revisited]

I have been told by my mother that people are the eternal treasure. I treasure my family & my friends. My growth group guys, my extended family, my church family...

People... are the only "thing" we can't replace. They are what matters the most.

More than trees...

more than pretty paper....

more than songs....

So..... if people are a gift to our lives. Then... here's the break down for you. A [hopefully wonderful] analogy for you this Christmas.

If a human is a gift to the rest of us, then.....

The clothes, hair color, jewelry, piercings, glasses, makeup, vehicle, house, job.....

that's the wrapping paper.

The body, itself,   the mind, the heart.... are the box.

The soul [intellect, emotions, personality] THAT'S the gift.

the part that makes you ...you.

YOU ARE A GIFT TO US. PLEASE don't forget. Among all that you ever read here, please don't forget that ever.

...so... we are left with:

The tag.

To me the tag is two sided.

On one side... is the boy in the manger.

To remind us who the gift is from......

& on the other side is the cross......

to remind us...

what the gift is worth.

Jesus is a gift to us. His story....to end all stories. The greatest love story, of all.

He gave us you.

You

are a gift to us.

So we thank Jesus.... for sharing.

For sharing you...

with us.

Merry Christmas....

& may His grace drip from your fingers,

B

Here... now

So..... been quite a while. I don't know what I have to say. I've been working on going through stuff here in the house. I, today, became capable of going online all over the house. An early/ unusual Christmas with my parents. I've had a router. I now have a laptop. [no smartphone yet, one step @ a time I guess.] I'm close to having a CDL driving license. I go for my "behind the wheel" test the last Tues of the year. That has been keeping me from writing... both on & off line. As has a request for a "not necessarily Christmas list". Which, being the person that I am, has been much different than what was thought when the request was made. Though I am close to finishing it, as I have envisioned it to be. Quite an exhaustive/ comprehensive list. It's in a spiral bound book form. Though in all fairness, much of it isn't for sale. It's more goals/ routines/ personal changes than it is a "I want to buy x". If anything I post here or else where looks funny or misspelled, please forgive me as I get used to this laptop. It is fun to be typing this in the basement.
Hopefully in the new year I'll get back to posting more....

As for this Christmas season... I have been much ..."blue-r" than I think I ever have. Which I don't understand. I can't say anything really awful has happened. I just noticed it a while ago. Though as I type a transition has been going on the last few days/ hours away from the blueness. I had a great Sat. Both this one & last one. Last week I made fudge, Chocolate Crinkles, & Sandtarts with my Mother. Most of the day. I didn't think the fudge would be good. We didn't remember how she used to make it. It. got. AMAZING! So thankful [I want to borrow from Renee & say: "thankfuls"] Anyway, I've been putting this laptop "through it's paces" for a few hours now. Listening to music [currently Pentatonix singing cool Christmas tunes]. Walking through the house trying to see if there are any "dead spots" in my wireless. going on facebook, twitter, pinterest, & here. I need a bit of a break. So for now, Have a wonderful Christmas, look forward to the new year. It's another adventure, another chapter in your life. Make it count. 
I don't want to be alive.... I want to be a living, breathing, growing human being.
I want my story to inspire people to continuously grow into better versions of themselves.

Remember...
The best presets aren't sitting under the tree, they're sitting around it.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

about a photo & a comment...

"This is my bliss face. I've never seen it before."

You know, it's funny how someone can innocently teach you something just by speaking. [or, in this case typing]

This is my sister-in-law. On her wedding day. I posted this photo on Facebook. The quote is her comment to me on the photo......

You know what? I think that's what I want to do to/for people with my photos. -well, some of them anyway. Show them what they've never seen. I'd like to do that with my portrait photos. Show people... the beauty & joy of themselves. Beauty they might not stop to see. A value in themselves that maybe they haven't believed in.

I've seen Marianne ["Mare" as we call her] go through struggles... maybe that's part of the joy I feel in her comment. That I could capture for her a moment of bliss. A spark of joy. The beginning of a new chapter in her life. Honored that I could be there. Thankful to be able to stand with her family. To be able to stand with Ben's family. To be able to stand with their friends. [they have such cool friends]

Though, my thoughts on this... as they wash over my mind like waves on a beach. Make me realize how selfish I've been. How my own insecurities... punish more than just me. Rob others as much as myself. For so long I haven't "enjoyed myself". To some degree, I've kept others from their ability to enjoy me fully as well. Not that my life has been all painful. It surely hasn't. It surely could be much worse. [& could have been so for a great deal longer] I'm just continually becoming aware of how my brokenness ...the depth of it. the height of it, the insidiousness of it. The limitations it put on my.

Yet I am also becoming aware of how to gently step outside of it. And live. Marianne's comment... so helps in this regard. It's like a nudge or an alarm. Wake up. Keep going. There's so much more to see. So much more to journey to. Even if getting there isn't any of the fun. Arriving will be.

I guess it also reminds me that I've been seeing ...ways to joy in my life. I never realized how alive I could feel... till I began to take more forays into artistic endeavors. Hiking...painting... writing... photography... cooking...baking... I want to eventually break out my guitars & play them again. Just to see where that might also lead. I'm ..."excitedly scared"... or, is that scared excited?

How can you be someone who enjoys being a "wall flower" & end up being the center of attention somewhere?

How do you live as an introvert in an extrovert role?

[can there be such a thing as an extroverted introvert?]

So this is me. Learning to call myself an artist. Learning that being one...might be freeing.......
maybe freeing for more people
than just me....

I've been an only child my whole life....

yet, I find myself with sisters now....

brothers now... [so glad for Ben Krouse. my "new" brother-in-law]

thankful for my brothers from Wed night.

guess..... I'll never be an only child ever again.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

not sure I should say this. [is it helpful?]

So I'm wondering if I can pull this off. A friend wants to talk about suicide with me. Which causes a swirl of thoughts. Can I give them hope & encouragement? Can I really be honest? Can I really "get back there"? Into those moments of hopelessness. I'll admit, it's kind of nice to struggle to get back there. [instead of the struggling to get out & away from there. Which was very hard to do] Which also begs the question will it get me stuck again? -doubtful.
My question "can I really be honest?" isn't quite what you might think at first, either. What I mean is:
This isn't just a "Can I be brutally honest to them without hurting them?"
I actually am thinking more along the lines of: "Can I push the truth out through my lips"
Will I be able to really let them go "all in" into the nuances & crevices of it. [thoughts, feelings, actions] Can I do this in a truly helpful fashion? How do I let them know that what worked to pull me out ...probably won't work exactly the same for anyone else? We are all unique. 
The thing we all have in common is we are all different.
Not to be preachy, God doesn't want to have your relationship with him...with me. 
He's not a manufacturer. Making one cool thing... & making a ga-zillion of them.
Nope. God is an artist. He makes one... & never makes anything like it again. 
I used to think he looked at me & went: "wow.... I'll never do THAT again."
The words are correct. The vocal inflection is wrong....
"WOW.... I'll NEVER do that again." .....meaning: "I like him/her.... so much, that I'll never do that again. They are too beautiful to repeat."
So I'm praying about this conversation.  Not so much that I "save the day". More that he uses what I say..... however he wants. Somewhere between my voice & their ears... HE gets to say what ever he wants..... & we "have ears to hear". He can speak to us both at the same time. Who knows? ...he just might.


So I'm thinking of some quotes/ lines from different people as I think on this, too.
Please don't hide your scars - let them shine as lights to help the rest of us find our way - in the darkness. - Aaron Kunce


The way you treat your heart and speak of your story is what you encourage me to do with mine.   Please, be kind with your heart and courageous with your story.  [click on these sentences to read the whole blog post. I really liked it. From TWLOHA. Thanks Aaron Moore]


"...And I'm a long
long way
from your hill
on Calvary 
& I'm a long
way 
from where I was
where I need to be
& if there is a light 
we can't always see
if there is a world
we can't always be
if there is a 
kiss
I 
stole 
from your mouth
& there is a light
don't let it go out"
from the aptly titled: "Song for Someone" by U2
I want it to be just about reaching out to someone who no longer wants to live here. Meaning the planet. I'm not sure now, though. As I listen to it more... Which means it's classic U2.
[btw, I really like the new disc, Songs of Innocence. Reminds me of the early stuff. Boy, October, & War... without being those tunes with different lyrics. I also hear a bit of a "punk vibe" in this, that I haven't heard for a while from them. And am thankful for.]

Obviously, you can pray for me on this. That it goes the way it should. That we give it the proper amount of time. That wisdom prevails. See, the friend is close to someone who has meantioned wanting to kill themselves. Which is why I'm nervous. Why I want to help. It would be nice to play a small role in making sure someone doesn't end their story...before it's meant to be over. Every person counts.
I am typing this as I listen to Person of Interest. 
Reminding me of two lines: "Everyone is relevant to someone, Mrs. Groves." 
& "That's the thing about the world... it doen't come with extra pieces." both spoken by Harold Finch.

So I think, for now, I'll sign off with some words from To Write Love On Her Arms...
Your story is important.


People matter... everything else can be arranged. [or lived without]

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

I wanted to paint out of love, kindness, hope

Tonight I went out on a limb. I decided to paint. Which I've done before...to my house. I have never considered myself a painter. At all. I like to look at other people's paintings, & "wish I could do that". That's me. Infused Arts @ LWCC, is an artists community, at my church. I decided [after saying I was gonna for about 2 yrs]  to go. So I went in July [for photography]. This month I wasn't sure of.
However, as these photos prove, I went. I really wasn't prepared for my evening. It was fun....

 

 

 I like the way light plays off the paint...

It was a real internal struggle for me, though. I guess I want everyone around me to think that I'm smart enough to know what I really am not good at. Smart enough to not go & do what I can't do well. Thing is... how am I supposed to know if I'm good at it if I never actually try doing it? Further, I can't expect myself to be a professional "world class" or "world famous" anything without trying it. Practicing it. Honing my skills at it. Wait... I should say that I "shouldn't expect that".... The problem is, that's EXACTLY what I expect. From myself. I only expect perfection. Well... from myself. YOU? I got all the grace in the WORLD for you. Just.... not for me.  ...why is that? Beats me. All I know is THAT is something I might just be "The World's Best" at.
After that paragraph, you can imagine how my night started. I began confident... which lasted about 9 nano seconds... & promptly fell off a cliff. Internally: "Why did you think you could do this? This. looks. dumb. Seriously, what ARE you doing? This, is garbage. ..." And on & on it went for a bit. I seriously had to force myself to stay. To keep trying. Is it a masterpiece? I don't know.... I don't care, really. That wasn't the point. The point was to step... into something a bit scary. Something out of the ordinary for me. As I pushed through the negative thoughts racing into my mind, I did what I usually do. I encouraged others. I enjoyed their paintings taking shape. I began to realize that I was one of many who really weren't sure they were "cut out for this". We encouraged each other. As I just kept playing around, dabbling in this paint & that one. I began to force other thoughts. "I like that color.... Mick would like that color.... What if I try this? nope, not liking that. Ok. How about this? -ooooh, I like what she's doing there. Can I make my own version of that happen in my painting?"
Turns out..... the answer was yes. Then one woman came up to me & said: "I like that. I like the hands upraised above the heart. Did you try that? Do you see what I'm talking about?" At first, no. Then...yeah, I do. No, it wasn't planned. Had a great conversation with another gal about how helpful art can be. How therapeutic it can be.
honestly, tonight.... with these people.... was therapy, in the most unusual way.
I really enjoyed this. Especially when I stood up to the inner struggle against myself.

The heart, in the corner, I sign notes to my wife & my Mother with that. I sometimes put it on an envelope as the "postage" on a card I give them. I wanted to paint out of love, kindness, hope..... it never occurred to me that I might be struggling to give myself hope.
It was worth the struggle.

I painted that. I painted the heart with my finger.

May you feel loved.
and may His grace,
drip from your fingers,
B