Monday, July 8, 2013

on loss...

My Uncle died last week. He was one of 7 uncles that I have on my father's side of the family. We have been very fortunate to have him as long as we have. He had a bad heart... on July 2nd, it gave out.

For me [sigh], this begins a recap, or a recount, of all those who have been lost. Grandmas, Grandpas, nephews, a cousin [at 17, sadly], even a musician I really enjoyed. Since it's no secret that I enjoy music, it's songs that "come & visit" during this time. They make me cry. Tears... are not the enemy we make them out to be. Nor are they an indicator of how tough you are [or aren't]. I make time to go off by myself & walk in nature. I need this whether I'm: mad, sad, or glad... & I'm usually one of those. I do it because it is the physical expression of a song that closed LW's Sunday service.
[Paul Baloche - Just to be with you]
To clarify, I don't always "feel" Him when I go there [into the woods]. Most times I do, not always. And sometimes that's frustrating, other times it's frightening. When I do feel Him with me, it's different every time. Like spending time with a friend, my wife, or other human relationship. Sometimes I need to vent. Sometimes I need to "just shut up" [-sometimes I even realize I need to be quiet]. If I'm there long enough, I can usually untie all the knotted thoughts swirling round inside. I become calm. There will be times when it won't work. I'm glad it usually does, though.

The strange thing for me, at viewings & funerals, is how the person looks to me. They look good, don't get me wrong. They just... look like a 3D photo of someone I knew. Like driving by a house you used to live in. You remember living there. Yet you are extremely aware of the fact that you don't anymore. Someone I love, lived in that body... it just doesn't seem like they live in there anymore. I say good-bye, as though they are in the room. Yet, I always add "see you soon". Sometimes even saying: "...sooner to you than to me, I'm afraid." This world...this land... is the land of good-byes, but one day... I will live in a land, where good-bye is obsolete. I dream... that there are 3 tombstones there. "Here lies... death, sin, time. one misses you." And a celebration is going on, a few feet away...
so... here are some songs.
[begun when my cousin died]
Merciful Eyes - The Choir
Blue Skies - The Choir
Restore my soul - The Choir
[actually most of the Circle Slide disc]
[when the twins died]
Into the West - Annie Lennox
With the Tired Eyes of Faith - The Swirling Eddies
Somewhere down the Road - Amy Grant
[when Grandma & "Pappy" died]
U2 - Where the streets have no name
U2 - One Tree Hill
 "...I'll see you again, when the stars fall from the sky, & the moon, has turned red, over one tree hill..."

I was writing to my cousin & it reminded me of poetry. So I thought I'd try a poem to "go along with this".

what is there to say?
No words seem to really work
do they?
I wish…
a thousand different things
in a thousand different directions
but none of them matter
While my presence would be nice
it too, isn’t really the point
not always

It’s that I exist
isn’t it?
at least
that’s how I feel
how I’ve felt
@ LW
they aren’t perfect
and… as long as Jesus hasn’t returned
they won’t be
they pray.
it makes a difference.
even when I cannot hear them praying
it still makes a difference
even though it’s hard
[harder to watch a sadness
in another’s life
than to experience it yourself]
especially with a death,
it isn’t what you do
it’s that you are
that you
just keep
strange as it may seem
…doesn’t it?

b.e. noll

1 comment:

Bought as is said...

don't know if I'll keep posting if someone is going to take words & make silly links with them without my permission. very childish.