Hello out here in cyberspace. I have really "gone silent" online as of late. No emails.... no facebook posts... no tweets..... nothing. [cue crickets here]
There are two parts to this.
The first part is that the business I work for is changing.
I think for the better. Not that I feel that way every moment of the day, mind you. However, in the long run, I think it will be an improvement. I like everyone I've met from "corporate". [Which I call them because I'm not quite sure what else to call them. People from the company that basically bought us out.] Change can be a lot of things. It can cause a lot of emotions. Not all of them desirable. I have been given the chance to drive commercially. Which I've done for a while now. I've learned quite a bit about myself through this. One thing I've learned is that while I am an introvert. This does not mean I want solitary confinement. To be alone every second of the day. I like being around people, I just don't recharge around them. [I get Donald Miller's "when I'm alone for too long, I get a little strange" statement] So I'm no longer sure I will end up driving "for a living". Which is sad of course. One can make a lot of money doing that sort of thing. So the thought, now, is that I will be a back up driver. [vacations, sick days, etc.] Though, I'm not sure that's settled yet or not. I'm still glad I went through it. Glad I tried it. I'm really good with GPS now. I'm liking traveling a lot more now. It made the Disney trip a "cake walk". [though why you'd need to walk a cake, I'm still not sure] With the work hours I'm getting & other things in life I haven't been very chatty. [in person, either]
...which leads to the second reason.
I'm really bummed. I sleep more. I sit in front of the TV more lately. These two things seem to blur into each other. I watch the first part of something, wake up an hour later. Which I'm not a fan of, really. I don't feel like doing.... well, anything, really. This feeling has got to go. I am voting it off the island. So I'm slowly ...how can I say? "pushing back" as it were. Trying to push myself to things. I've been depressed before. So I'm pulling out those things that I use for meditation. Trying to push myself to write & take photos more. Pushing myself to write this. I really don't like being honest... when being honest entails telling you that I'm not ok. I don't want people to worry. [which not saying anything doesn't really fix, or avoid] I don't want to "be a bother" to anyone. Sadly, what no one tells you... is that when you try too hard to "not be any trouble" ...that, itself, can be the problem. If I really want to help others.... I need to let myself be helped. It was never really a one way street. It wasn't meant to be, either. What's worse, to me anyway, is I really like & support twloha. Who, as a general rule, are trying to shout the very sentences I've just said. Who really want this last paragraph I struggle to write [let alone post] to be more easily shared with people. To be shared among people. For us to quit hiding the "not so fun" posts [words, parts of our lives] from each other. Largely because it helps no one. Yet I still do it. And I know some of you still do, too. We have to allow people to see the down with the up. Because when we do, we realize that struggling... is a common experience to all. Your struggles & how you handle them can help me. Mine can, maybe, help you.
Only if we share them.
So this is me, sharing my bummed out feelings with you. Wherever you happen to be on your journey.
Stumbling... falling on the journey isn't our problem. Refusing to let others help us back up is.
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B
