my strange April

Life is so weird. While I've been up & down, lately. [pretty "standard fair" for April] I've been able to go to the Infused Arts stuff at LWCC. Pretty much all month. I actually wrote about 5 haiku poems tonight. I went through my usual: "Wow, I really don't do this well at all." first.
As we were sharing our poems with each other. I heard something from one of the gals there I never thought I'd hear. A woman named Beth said: "Hup, nickel in the 'jar'. [puts her finger on the center of the table] We don't say we're stupid here." 
In a way you feel like your back in grade school. Yet, why DO we tolerate calling ourselves stupid, anyway? I mean, like that'll make you do better..... at anything. Wrong, thank you for playing. What's actually worse is, I wouldn't tolerate anyone I know saying that about themselves. So why do I give myself permission? Yeah, guess what needs "voted off the island"? Ah huh. I thought you'd see it my way.

So I'm working on writing a post for another blog. Welcome to the latest edition of: "sentences I never thought I'd type, with your host..." I've been invited to write one. It doesn't mean I'll actually get posted there. So I'll link to it if it actually happens. Which will be the latest "wow, this is weird/ surreal".
What's more, I'm going to try to squeak out some money to have 1 or 2 of my pictures framed so they can hang in a gallery. Me. Artist. ....who knew? [not me, THAT'S for sure] So welcome to my "it doesn't feel real" life.
Welcome to the strangest April I think I've ever had.
Maybe it WILL snow on my birthday....
[yeah... don't hold your breathe]

Haiku

[the rules as a haiku]
five, is it's beginning
seven, is what comes after
concluding with five

as he drew his sword
like he did, in days of old
his nemesis, bold



May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Ode to a Thorn

ok, so I posted this poem on facebook first. I'll say some similar things here that I said there.
First, I wrote this last night. During the 10 year celebration of TWLOHA. You can watch it on live stream here. It's about 2 hours long. My poem is inspired by Sierra DeMulder & Tonya Ingram & their spoken word poems [probably why I think mine would sound better spoken, than read]. I began to write a poem, didn't like it. I started over. The following is what came next. After I wrote it, the title became obvious. Though as I got more than half way done, I realized it has a bit of a similarity to the Apostle Paul. Who wrote of having a "thorn". While never naming what the "thorn" was. I'm glad he never named it. That way, we can each put our struggle in there as the word or words that replace the word "thorn". So this is a poem about thorns. I hope you get the point. Without getting stuck by it. [couldn't help it] So, here is my "ode to a thorn"....

"this"

when your tired

of "this"

whatever your

"this"

is

that part

of you

of your story

that you want to

rewrite

or

just hit "delete"

-or maybe "undo"

yet you know

you can't

it's there

unblinking

staring at you

you look at

"this"

you think

you just say to yourself:

I am "this"

nothing but "this"

"this" is all there is

to who I am

"this"

is all I am

just wait

it's not true

you

are more

than "this"

your story

is way more

than just

"this"

"this" is a chapter

in your story

not the story

not the plot

certainly not

the theme

"this"

isn't you

or who you are

so please

don't live &

die like

"this"

is all you are

were

ever will be

we don't believe

that

why

should you?
why

should

YOU?

DON'T

not for one second

YOU

are way more

than "this"

"this"

WAS.....

it does not

need to be

part of the present

or the future

not YOUR future

not my future

not anyone's

future

so grab

a shovel

let's

bury

"this"

IT'S journey

ends here

tonight

the ONLY thing

"this"

is good for

now

is to share

what

"this"

was in your life

why?

you ask

so everyone knows

you
are not alone

in "this"

you

are not the only one

dealing with

"this"

to tell

or remind

each of us

that we all

have

a "this"

by b.e. noll

p.s. I reserve the right to add to or subtract from this version of this [or I may not be finished with it yet]
p.p.s. TWLOHA, thanks for all you do. So glad & honered I got to meet Jamie, Renee, Chad, & Jessica.
Thankful for Jessica giving us a tour. When I flipped the calendar to April I heard her asking to see the calendar making sure the birthday sticker was in there.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Hello out here in cyberspace. I have really "gone silent" online as of late. No emails.... no facebook posts... no tweets..... nothing. [cue crickets here]
There are two parts to this.
The first part is that the business I work for is changing.
I think for the better. Not that I feel that way every moment of the day, mind you. However, in the long run, I think it will be an improvement. I like everyone I've met from "corporate". [Which I call them because I'm not quite sure what else to call them. People from the company that basically bought us out.] Change can be a lot of things. It can cause a lot of emotions. Not all of them desirable. I have been given the chance to drive commercially. Which I've done for a while now. I've learned quite a bit about myself through this. One thing I've learned is that while I am an introvert. This does not mean I want solitary confinement. To be alone every second of the day. I like being around people, I just don't recharge around them. [I get Donald Miller's "when I'm alone for too long, I get a little strange" statement] So I'm no longer sure I will end up driving "for a living". Which is sad of course. One can make a lot of money doing that sort of thing. So the thought, now, is that I will be a back up driver. [vacations, sick days, etc.] Though, I'm not sure that's settled yet or not. I'm still glad I went through it. Glad I tried it. I'm really good with GPS now. I'm liking traveling a lot more now. It made the Disney trip a "cake walk". [though why you'd need to walk a cake, I'm still not sure] With the work hours I'm getting & other things in life I haven't been very chatty. [in person, either]
...which leads to the second reason.
I'm really bummed. I sleep more. I sit in front of the TV more lately. These two things seem to blur into each other. I watch the first part of something, wake up an hour later. Which I'm not a fan of, really. I don't feel like doing.... well, anything, really. This feeling has got to go. I am voting it off the island. So I'm slowly ...how can I say? "pushing back" as it were. Trying to push myself to things. I've been depressed before. So I'm pulling out those things that I use for meditation. Trying to push myself to write & take photos more. Pushing myself to write this. I really don't like being honest... when being honest entails telling you that I'm not ok. I don't want people to worry. [which not saying anything doesn't really fix, or avoid] I don't want to "be a bother" to anyone. Sadly, what no one tells you... is that when you try too hard to "not be any trouble" ...that, itself, can be the problem. If I really want to help others.... I need to let myself be helped. It was never really a one way street. It wasn't meant to be, either. What's worse, to me anyway, is I really like & support twloha. Who, as a general rule, are trying to shout the very sentences I've just said. Who really want this last paragraph I struggle to write [let alone post] to be more easily shared with people. To be shared among people. For us to quit hiding the "not so fun" posts [words, parts of our lives] from each other. Largely because it helps no one. Yet I still do it. And I know some of you still do, too. We have to allow people to see the down with the up. Because when we do, we realize that struggling... is a common experience to all. Your struggles & how you handle them can help me. Mine can, maybe, help you.
Only if we share them.
So this is me, sharing my bummed out feelings with you. Wherever you happen to be on your journey.
Stumbling... falling on the journey isn't our problem. Refusing to let others help us back up is.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

I know I'm silent right now... [a poem] by b.e. noll

[this is a "stream of consciousness" poem. spawned by an email...
& a video by Sierra DeMulder + Tonya Ingram for TWLOHA]

I know I'm silent right now

the inbox

shows only old conversations

said in a million yesterdays

but

know this

I am still here

even though my facebook feed

dries up

I check my inbox

and it reads you have

with some strange number next to it

"notifications"

from facebook

a plea

from somewhere in cyberspace

saying please reach for me

when my twitter feed

seems all tweeted out

when my pinterest

holds no new interest

when the pins are dusty

and my keyboard seems rusty

you may want me to speak

and I'm silent

and you think

"must he?"

keeping you in suspense

please don't be too tense

I

really am

a "work in progress"

yes

sometimes

it is that I just

'wall myself off"

from people

afraid my junk

is far too much for them

that I am not worthy

of your worry

even though

we both know that is a lie

know

we both know

that that is a lie

thank you

for living out

the fact

that I am worth knowing

worth sharing the darkness

with

it's strange

to think my hell

could be the path

to your heaven

that somehow

what I lived through

could help you

live through

your own

it's scary

a good kind of scary

perhaps a necessary kind

yet still not the easy kind

it's hard to let go

of the bad habit

of keeping your hell to yourself

yet

I must try

I must push through

because

the only thing better than surviving my hell

better than breaking out of my own hell

is seeing you

break free too

so I know I'm silent right now

...but...

all it is
is silence

not death

not the end

not the end of me

not even close

NO

I'm still here

still breathing

still living

still fighting

for a better tomorrow

knowing

that

one day

a better day

will

be

mine

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B