Regret

It's really not fun to talk about things I think I didn't do right. Things I wish I had done, only I didn't. Things I did, & wish I could "undo". Obviously, I don't want to talk about them. Let alone "immortalize" them here. As I have continued to move forward in this blog I have been pushing myself to get uncomfortable. What's the title of that disc by Sarah Bareilles? Oh, yeah: The Blessed Unrest. Perhaps that is the phase I find myself in. Or maybe an equally appropriate disc title by Michael Been: On the Verge of a Nervous Breakthrough. So, in keeping with this "uncomfort", here we go.
I had a chance to talk with someone recently. I could kind of see in her eyes a look of we could talk later if you want to. Me... I bolted. I left like I planted a bomb. So very sad. Even as I left I felt a strange pull to go back & talk. To talk more. I felt it pulling my sweatshirt on, walking out the door, all the way to my car. Even as I hesitantly pulled out of the parking area. In all fairness, I did have to work the next day. I usually start work at about 7am. I'm up between 4:30 & 5 usually. Can I level with you? Part of the reason is: I was afraid I'd end up talking to these 2 people till then. If I was given half a chance. When I get to see them again, I think I'll take the next day off. So if this returns, I can let it happen. [& if, for some reason, it doesn't play out this way... that's ok, too. At least I'll be ready.]
I hate that I'm like this. I guess it's just too much "going off script" for me. Sadly, I am so very self conscious it is unreal. I felt "out of my element", yet oddly a bit comfortable. I didn't expect to connect. I was thinking some usual pleasantries. Then off I'd go. When that didn't happen, it just... I don't know. I can feel a bit trapped in some of the oddest circumstances. Since I experienced this feeling very young, sometimes I go on "autopilot" & escape as fast as possible. Which would be fine... if there was something to escape FROM. Which, there wasn't.
I'm also not one for fame. Any kind, no matter how minute it might seem. So I'm a guy who does well on the internet, because I at least feel like there's really no one who tunes in here. Or, at least I'm not standing in front of you speaking all of this. Which, till I got to know & be comfortable with you, would be extremely difficult for me. So, if you meet me, & I seem not quite what I am online. Please don't be shocked or insulted. Right now at least, I pretty much laugh every time I watch a scene from Person of Interest which has Finch saying: "You know, I'm a very private person." I'm with you Finch. Totally get that. Me too. [& now I'm talking to a fictional character. Unique, the "polite" adjective used to describe me. There ARE others. Most of those you can't say in church]
So, to borrow from Yoda: "Much to learn, you still have." Yes, I'm afraid I do. I don't want to just share some "airbrushed imagining" of myself here. Which is why I bother to share this. I'm broken too. Hoping to keep on learning. To keep striving for better. To grow in positive directions.
Now for a "mish-mash" of news.
As I tweeted the other day, I burned myself on the oven door. My arm, no biggie. It's not bad. About 1 1/2 inches long, by about 1/2 inch wide at one end, & one inch wide at the other. I'm just hoping that I can keep from picking at it when it gets to that stage. I am horrible with that. Picking at wounds. I really cannot remember a time when I wasn't like this. I have learned some things that help me to stave this off. However the best way is to be a little better with my surroundings. So that was my "come on, B. Your better than this." moment.
I finally posted some pictures on facebook again. It was time. A friend was even asking me to. Which was nice. I've got some I need to go through & post more of. A few concert pictures from Monday a week ago. I still haven't gone through. And Saturday might just be a time to write. Like take a few hours & write. I have a "bottleneck" of posts in my head.
And then there is a book I have recently begun to read. This book is unique. You might see it & think you know what I mean... only you really don't. As I read it I feel guilty. I probably shouldn't. Yet I kind of do. I showed it to a friend. He asked me to share my thoughts on it. "Somehow, it's like...you'll probably think this is strange. Like reading a person's private journal from their days in prison. Only to realize that...'hey, I remember that place...I served time there too." It's a bit unsettling to read a book for the first time.  Feeling like someone crawled into your head & wrote down your feelings in their own words. Changed a precious few things, to throw people off the trail that it's you. Then publish it.
Every therapist I've ever shared with has told me: "Don't you feel better knowing someone else has been through this?" Me:"ah, no. Why would I want someone else to go through something that's anything like this?" I think I have a little bit of an understanding of that statement, now. However, this too, has given me MUCH to write about. So I guess for tonight I'm off. To read & write. Photograph...oh, & I got a guitar pick from a new friend. So I'll have to squeak in some time to fiddle with that. [yeah, I'm now trying to dust off my guitars & play around a little] So this weekend might be a bit of "short attention span theater." Hard to say.
And yes... I like the Beatles. Looking forward to the tribute on Sun.
Songs I hope to hear? 2 among them are:
Come Together [ironic, no?] And
Michelle. I can still remember learning to play this. And then "playing" with it. My teacher helped me to learn strumming techniques with this song. We played it every way we could think of. A country strum, jazzy kind of strum, "The Police" strum, reggae, classical, "string skipping" deal, "More Than Words" kind of strum. We even did it in power chords, kind of a "Green Day" deal. Such fun! Oh, I asked my uncle what the French line is in English. "Michelle, My beautiful, these are words that go very well together." So it's not a deep song... deal with it.
A side note. I'll know I'm getting my fingers back into shape guitar wise... when I can play the solo from the album version of More Than Words. [and every time I listen to this I hear a third voice part. Thanks to my friend Matt Frigm. And I sing that part when no one's around.] Now I'm thinking of Steve Vai's instrumental song: I would love to. Just because it begins with: "you know I'm very, very shy".
Thank you,
and good night. [too rock 'n roll?]

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B