2 poems & some other words

 Ok... a couple of poems. I can't believe the first one came tonight. I wrote 2 emails that were so brief, the one could have been a tweet. I'm just "not ok" at the moment...& yet, as I've written tonight, I'm feeling better. So enjoy these. I may not be online much the next couple of days. Especially "socially". I have a drive that might make tomorrow a 12hr day for me. Then I'm going to try to go extremely early for my usual drive to Delaware on Wed. I honestly don't know how long Wed. will be. I'm catching a movie with the guys [my Wed night group]. Actually I'm BRINGING the movie, Ragamuffin. Then I'm going to try, really hard, to finally make this the summer I "make good" on my "threat" to go to an artists group @ LW. Thurs. night. It's going to center on photography. So I'm equal parts: excited, nervous, to try this out. 

The first poem is kind of written to 2 people. Or with 2 people in mind. Partly to myself, to just let go & allow my natural self to be. To be me, without thinking about it so much. [analyzing myself too much]. The second person is working on their next disc of music. An encouragement, not just to keep going with it. To go with it in joy. To enjoy the process of making her record. On her own terms, in her own time. And her fans, the ones to REALLY write to...they will be glad she took the time to make something she's proud of. After all, if even one of the songs goes big...she could be singing it for a very long time. She might as well like the song. [songs, disc]
I think of weird things like that with the bands/artists I like. Don't just do it for me. Enjoy doing it. as Robert Fripp rehearses for a new King Crimson tour, I'm hoping/praying that he enjoys the whole process. From rehearsals to every tour stop. I'm hoping to catch them in Philly. They're touring with three drummers this time. Should be a fun time to sit "in" music & just drink deep. That's kind of what a "Krim show" is about. I so enjoyed it last time. To me it's a Hard rock band that not-so-secretly enjoys a bit of Jazz. I would also say they are the reason Surround sound was invented. -ok, enough "leaking words endlessly onto the screen"... I gotta go. Enjoy:


Leave them alone
please let go
stop trying so hard to be
whatever THEY want
be you
let them be them
the REAL them
and focus on the REAL you
don't do it
for fame
for a label
for something they can see coming
just
be
you
and let them go
let them be
yet, one more thing
don't JUST be you
enjoy doing it
enjoy the process
so you don't do things the way others do
You can be a clone
or a masterpiece
masterpieces are
one of a kind
it's so much better to be one of a kind
[after all...they can't say you did it wrong...
if it's never been done this way before -right?]
and
besides
it's fun to keep them guessing

I'll live

Live

it may not always be fun

but

I'll live

I do not know

what my story can do

to help you

or anyone for that matter

and yeah

I am scared to death

to tell my story

to share my story

to write it

it's so ugly to stair at

and...yet

some of my very FAVORITE books

are of similar stories

similar parts of stories

where the author

didn't want to share it

yet friends convinced them

that they should

that they NEEDED to

even though it was

painfully uncomfortable

for the author

it might just be

THE most important book
they would ever publish
...

what if

this is true

of me?

what do I do
then?

life is harder than I thought

[more worth it than I've thought, also]

[both]  by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Age

Well... I'm back from a small vacation. A very nice one. The photo is from last Thursday. Even though it looks like a fall one. The sun shown in such a way it made the trees look golden. It was such fun to just sit there & drink it in....

So I did take  my camera. Enjoyed taking Mick away with me. Got away as they say. It's nice to slow down & just sit still for a while. Even though that can be extremely difficult for me at times. [turns out I am my father's son]
Before I left I had some interesting moments. People talking to me about age. Mostly mine.
While I don't really care much how long my physical form has been on the planet... it is one more way I have felt very... "not normal" for a human. Or perhaps it would be better said it is another reminder that I'm not like most people. I don't feel this way as... "Mon - Sun" as I used to. There are still times, moments, conversations that bring it back to mind, though. So I'll speak of this here. From multiple angles.
First. I was, by the knowledge of that time, "scheduled to arrive" on April the 25th, 1971. For those of you who are not like my Dad, that would mean I am 43 as of right now. Again, not that it is terribly important. Due to "complications" I was not born until 5:30am the morning of the 26th.
NO... I do not "remember it well". I remember Mom telling the story countless times. [I'm not upset about that. It's just the facts] The details of that I will leave to my Mother, who never tires of telling it. I have been told for quite a long time that I appear much younger than I am. How much depends greatly on whom you ask. One friend states that I am: "forever green" "You look so young. You should tell people you are 25" Another recently said: "I had no idea. I thought you were maybe 30." [he was fun -& one to talk. I never would have guessed he was older than me. I thought HE was 30! He & his wife look MAYBE 30, if that. It's nice to tell people what I've heard most of my life]
I even had a police officer apologize to me once. He thought I had a "Cinderella license". "No disrespect, officer. How old do you THINK I am?" "16" I was around 28. I told him I would love this when I was 40. Love is a strong word.... maybe when I'm 80? Anywho.
While I'm not fond of the grey hairs that are slowly taking over. Or the fact that I no longer have an extremely thick head of hair. What I really don't like about the prospect of aging is 2 fold.
1. Having people older than me. To go to & say: "So. Is this a thing I should worry about? Or is this a 'huge thing now & totally forgotten in a week' thing?" I like being able to go to people older than me to ask things of. To ponder things with. I've spent a great deal of my life hanging out with people older than me. I'm an only child. I've been doing it for a long time, now.
2. as I talk to aging folks...there is the realization that we spend 21 years becoming independent. We really want to spend zero time going the other way. TWLOHA has ...a blog post, a shirt, even a hastag "People Need Other People". Yet... many of us are really bad at letting other people help us. I am chief among them. I really suck at letting others help me. Be there for me. Don't get me wrong. I love the slogan. I think it's true. Just... "when the time comes"..... I fail at this. Which will make me more of a pain as I get older.
Though, while I still have trust issues, I'm thankful that I have people who try to be there for me. Even though I do not make it very easy for them. [pray for them. they need it.]

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

This is not the end [this is not the end]

If you can understand it. This is from a song by Gungor, a song by Christina Perri, & listening to an interview [Conan interviewing Jack White].

This is not the end [this is not the end]

This is the end

It is

So very over

I have walked

Through the door

I could walk back

There is no point

In doing that

Though

I’ve been there

And done that

I wanted to do that

However

I don’t want to be

A scratch on a record

Playing the same

Notes

To the same melody

Over

And over

And

Over

Again

While this is the end

I’ve come to it at last

I’m

Gladly terrified

…and yet

This

Is not

The end

Not the end of me

The end of us

This is not the end of me

This is the beginning

One book ends

One movie

Rolls credits

…

And a new movie

A new book

Begins

Where will

This character

This me

Go now?

I’m scared

And I’m excited

Can it be

That what scares me

Is the very point of origin

Of my excitement.

So this is the end

And

This is not the end

[and ok, I’m done now]

May his grace drip from your fingers,
b.e. noll

the reason my skin feels too small......

Hello. I'm going to start with something I said to a "sister & brother" from LW.
I feel like my skin is too small for me, tonight. I'm relieved. I'm thankful..... I'm ALL over the place.
This is partly due to the fact that I drove, for the first time, a 26' long box truck. Then had to back it into a garage door, in the side of a building, in downtown Elizabethtown, Pa. It was like parking an aircraft carrier @ THE MALL. Your first thought is "WHY?".... & then we move to "how the... what.... -WAIT, huh??".
Yeah, it was a lot like that. So that was today. I did it in 2 backs, WITHOUT scraping any paint off.
Go me. I got done & I walk up to someone to get my "pick up". 3 skids. And...what song would be playing? Ain't It Fun by Paramore. See? God & I have this "thing going". Our own little "inside joking humor". Irony? yeah, we got that.
I've been this way with driving. I took Mick to visit my Aunt & Uncle, at a farm. They were home visiting from France. Staying at a farm. That had 4 wheelers. So we took some out for a spin on the dirt course they had there. I went. Then I took Mick for a ride or two. Then she asked: "will you teach me to drive one?" "Sure." I said. She gets on the front with me behind her. Stops. Looks back at me & says: "Hey, how long have you been driving one of these?" ..."ah...I don't know. How long have we been here?" Mick:"We've been here about 2 hours." Me: "about 2 hours." She just rolled her eyes & laughed. "How do you DO that? -I mean, you just pick it up & can do it." Me: "I don't know....how come you can't?" That's the thing about gifted-ness, sometimes. If you were "born with it" you don't really know how you can "just do it". You only know that you can. It's as weird for the talented person as it is for someone who isn't gifted in that area. [it really is. It makes me think of the movie Good Will Hunting. Which has a great scene in it about explaining gifted-ness]

Ok. So the reason my skin feels too small...... Tues night was my last therapy appointment. So tonight, I was talking non stop to a couple I know from LW. I haven't talked like that in a LONG time. It's been really good.
I slowly shared that I was even in therapy with only a few people. I did so for many reasons. I share this for many reasons as well. I think it's better to be honest. I think it's important to allow each other to know we are human. Forgive the "shameless plug" here. It's good to share our Fears vs Dreams. It's good to share our accomplishments. To share our arrivals.
I have arrived... at a place where I don't need to see a therapist anymore. I liked seeing her.
I love being here. At this point. Staying up too late. Hoping my computer doesn't crash or freeze up as I type this. Hoping... that you get that I feel very hopeful right now. Hoping that if you don't feel hopeful right now..... that you will hold on. Stay alive. Long enough for hope to surprise you, too. I sit here, in my newest TWLOHA shirt. and. I. feel. good.
And I'm not sorry for feeling this way. I feel good enough that I've actually shared this fact on facebook, twitter, & my Wed evening group. Glad that one guy from group just couldn't stop telling me afterward how happy he was that I got to this point in my story. He doesn't even know what I went to therapy for. He didn't even ask. "IT" ...isn't the point. I'm healthier now. THAT'S the point.
And it's why, my skin feels too small.
I gotta run for now.
Thanks for listening.
fearsvsdreams.com

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a new poem from the day's travels...

Once again I was inspired by what my eyes feasted upon today during my road trip. So, yet another traveling inspired poem....

The Fog

Mystifies everything

A milky white-ish veil

Hiding

The countryside

From my view

Or

Well

Only part of it

Like it’s “cousin”

Snow

[only…less unpleasant for others]

It makes the same hills, trees, & houses

Seem to have a magic

That was somehow

Missing before

Elusive

It turns

Sunbeams

Into

Swords of light

Slicing

Through the gaps

In the trees

Like sharp fingers

Beckoning me

Toward them

“Come & play...won’t you please?”

Alas

The only playing

Is on the movie screen

Of my mind

As my eyes

“Snap” photos

And my heart joins

The wistfulness

With the “rumblings” of this poem

Not quite forming

Till long after the stress

That others share with me

Subsides

Washing away

Like the tides

My soul rejoicing over a newly birthed poem

Like it so often does

Why DO I wait

So terribly long to write these?

They do me such good

What did my “cyber friend” say to me?

So long ago

…something about

Not putting off doing

What’s good for you.

So…

Why

Do I?

So thankful for this morning’s fog

To pull me

Back…

To me.

by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,

B

a new poem [from a photo a friend posted recently]

Butterfly soul

Uncurl

Your wings & fly

Little one

I know

That sometimes you feel

More like a scorpion

A spider

Something scary

I know that you

Scare you

Sometimes

I still feel

The same way

About myself

Yet…

Defending myself

Does not make me a monster

[irregardless of feeling like one]

and

I still got to fly away

In the end

Sometimes

I’m still afraid

Of hurting someone

By accident

Thankfully

I have patient people

Around me

Who love me anyway

No matter

How I view myself

I sincerely hope

You do

As well
by b.e. noll

Hope you like it. Hope it doesn't scare you.
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Because You Are

Because You Are
it
was never about
were you came from
it
was never about
where you
or I
think or thought
you were/are going
It’s not about
who you became
or will become
it’s about
loving you
because you are
you exist
”just be & breathe”
Mom always said
and
that’s why
because you do
we all need
to be loved
not because we are funny
not because we are serious
not because we are artistic
not because we are strong
not because we are intelligent
not because we are wise
not even because we are a good friend
no
because we are.
that’s all
which brings me to Jamie
I hear his voice
over & over
”we’re probably more loved
than we’ll ever know”
thanks, Jamie
for reminding us
just
don’t
forget
that you’re loved
because you are
 by b.e. noll
 
This sort of came from reading a post by Michael Gungor. About his new born daughter. The joy & the sorrow. ...ever since Mare lost her twins... I don't pray the same way about children. When I hear someone is pregnant [like Mick's friend Lauren right now] I pray for health for mother & child. So much can happen. Death is merely one possibility. I used to think that if a gal got pregnant that she HAD to have the child & the child would be healthy, live a long life. When Mare lost her twins it was such a cruel reality. Not that I hadn't already been "formally introduced" to the cruelty of life, mind you. This was just a whole new wrinkle. [that's for those of you who were tired of the old one] There are so many things that can happen in our lives that can rob us of a feeling of value. I guess that's why so many of my poems are about loving/ being loved "just the way you are". We all need people who love us outside of a reason. I'm reminded of a group of friends. We all joked about calling one of them "THE [their first & last name]". As I've gotten to write/ talk to some people who are famous in one circle or another, I think back to that. I wrote to Plumb once. And she wrote back. I've been able to meet many musicians. [Rich Mullins, Bryan Duncan, Steve Taylor, King's X, Adrian Belew, P.F.R., Guradian -so many times they would say high to me & 2 friends whenever they saw us, Iona,...] As well as meeting people like Renee Yohe & Jamie Tworkowski. Sometime along the way I remembered & thought "I do not want to treat these people like they are 'THE whoever they are'. I want to treat them like a good friend. As a valuable person, in spite of whatever fame they have."

In another way, from the opposite direction. It is nice to be treated [if you've never been "famous"] like you ARE somebody. To have people who treat you like a "wow person". 
I, myself, have had this a few times & I never handle it right. EVER. I'm so bad at it that we have to create a new catagory for it. ["taking 'suck' to a whole new level"] If you do this for someone, don't take it personal if they are a "fish out of water" with it. Some of us just do not know what to do when we become the center of attention. We just sheepishly grin [& begin looking for the exits]. I can phychoanalyze this, but I won't. 
No matter where you're at, deep down.....like it or not, we all need to be loved by someone. To be valued. We become horrible things when we aren't. Which brings me back to the quote from Jamie. Every so often I hear him saying it. I can picture the video it's from. [one of the many youtube videos you can see of Jamie's talks/interviews.]
"We're probably more loved than we'll ever know." - Jamie Tworkowski
Well, I'm off. To write some more, sleep some, & to begin to sort the plethora of poems I have printed out into, perhaps, catagories or themes. 

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B