Creation's Waltz
the clouds
changing their minds
which color
they want to be
every other minute
the sun slowly
climbing over the
backs of the mountains
the fallen leaves
wind waltzing
over the road
some
synchronized
in their dance
others all
dancing to their
own tune
the morning mist
retreating into
the forrest
to hide
till
another day
by b.e. noll
for those of you from growth group, this is what I was sitting on the floor before group writing last night. It came to me in pieces as I drove to Delaware yesterday. I prayed I'd remember when I could write.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
You know what? I think I have another idea of why I felt the way I did yesterday. At least part of the reason. I've been pushy. To... um, well me.
I hate to be the center of attention. If anyone who knew me in high school, in YAF Fishnet, reads that... they will laugh & say: "yeah, right. Tell me another one." I was, at least with the right people, the "life of the party". Crazy, funny, jokester, I've been known to really make people laugh till it hurts. [don't tell anyone, cause... well, I'm posting it so it's not news now. Ha, ha, I told before you did. At least we're being mature about this. Shhh, let's keep this between us. You, me, & ...well, whoever else reads this.]
where was I? Sitting at my computer, that's right. I do like when people laugh. And Rich Mullins was right: "...when we can't do that, I know that it is frightening...". Inside though, I don't want to be seen. I don't want attention. I want the spotlight to go onto... anyone else but me. You can have it. I joke about photography. "see, this is why I take pictures, so no one can take my picture. I get to be behind the camera."
I'm like this. A few weeks ago, I took photos during ENCOUNTER at LW. Which was difficult, for me. Tonight, at growth group, I stood up & read something. [the intro to Higher education & the Book of love by Rich Mullins] Just me, a podium, & a piece of paper. Truthfully, I so wanted to crawl under the carpet. They were a very merciful crowd.
I don't believe what I've been writing on here, either. Well, I should go. I have a shorter drive for work tomorrow. which I'm very much liking.
Thanks for putting up with me as I try to stretch myself.
B
[oh, the Rich Mullins song, We are not as strong as we think we are. One of my all time fav.'s by him]
I hate to be the center of attention. If anyone who knew me in high school, in YAF Fishnet, reads that... they will laugh & say: "yeah, right. Tell me another one." I was, at least with the right people, the "life of the party". Crazy, funny, jokester, I've been known to really make people laugh till it hurts. [don't tell anyone, cause... well, I'm posting it so it's not news now. Ha, ha, I told before you did. At least we're being mature about this. Shhh, let's keep this between us. You, me, & ...well, whoever else reads this.]
where was I? Sitting at my computer, that's right. I do like when people laugh. And Rich Mullins was right: "...when we can't do that, I know that it is frightening...". Inside though, I don't want to be seen. I don't want attention. I want the spotlight to go onto... anyone else but me. You can have it. I joke about photography. "see, this is why I take pictures, so no one can take my picture. I get to be behind the camera."
I'm like this. A few weeks ago, I took photos during ENCOUNTER at LW. Which was difficult, for me. Tonight, at growth group, I stood up & read something. [the intro to Higher education & the Book of love by Rich Mullins] Just me, a podium, & a piece of paper. Truthfully, I so wanted to crawl under the carpet. They were a very merciful crowd.
I don't believe what I've been writing on here, either. Well, I should go. I have a shorter drive for work tomorrow. which I'm very much liking.
Thanks for putting up with me as I try to stretch myself.
B
[oh, the Rich Mullins song, We are not as strong as we think we are. One of my all time fav.'s by him]
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I have my bi-weekly run to Delaware tomorrow. So this'll be short. Hopefully my run tomorrow will help me unwind. I have a new stop to make on my way home. It'll take me by Towson, MD. Which I've gone to enough to be familiar. I'm planning on a great day.
I just don't know how to describe how I feel right now. Strangest feeling. Not a very good feeling, either.
I just don't know how to describe how I feel right now. Strangest feeling. Not a very good feeling, either.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
"how are you?" can be a frustrating question
It's not been a very creative week for me. Not feeling well, myself. Then, while trying to catch up on rest & get better, a phone call. "I took Dad to the hospital again. For Vertigo." So that was Thurs. evening. I went in, not that I could do much. And sat with Mom. 10:30pm I finally got to take Dad home. I've never seen him so "out of it". Tired, not moving or standing very well. Which was tougher on me than I expected.
Something else that made this hard was something I noticed a long time ago about myself. My "fight or flight" response is... very weird. Activation can be measured in nano seconds. While the return to normal can take many hours. I got the call while sleeping. So I went from asleep to mobilizing myself practically instantaneously. However, I couldn't rest for hours after I got home. So the week was stressful. Thankfully everyone at work was very kind & helpful. My immediate supervisor, upon being text of the events text back: "you know, we're doing well. You can stay home tomorrow, if you need to". It hadn't occurred to me anything involving the next 24hrs. And everyone was very nice with me on Friday. Thankfully not asking too many questions. I was reminded again of why I got on facebook. I can explain something once & done. It's hard enough for me to share when things aren't going well. Being asked to repeat the whole story over & over is... I don't possess the skills or stamina for such things. I loath the process, rather intensely. Then there are the questions. I don't really like being questioned a whole lot. Especially questions that the answers are painfully obvious. I used to know someone who would have the unnerving habit of asking me: "How are you?". When I'd reply: "fine", he'd say: "well, you can lie to yourself if you want." Don't ask a question, if you have already decided what the answer is, for 1. Second of all. Ask a better, more precise question. I don't lie when I say I'm fine.
"How are you?" is an extremely vague question. [with no parameters]
I'm fine....
Which means that:
#1. I'm not bleeding from anywhere at this moment. No one is shooting at me. No one has cut me on purpose recently. No one has hit me with anything in the past few hours. I do not currently have a disease [curable or not]. All of my physical parts are functioning within normal parameters. [I could go on. I won't]
#2. I am because God invented me. "how are you?" [how come you exist] My parents were involved [obviously]. [told you it was a vague question]
#3. I have a job. they aren't trying to get rid of me. My house seems fine, & functions for me. Our cars are in running order. The bills get paid [not to my satisfaction, yet...]. The pc's, electronics, phones, bed, etc. are all working quite well.
#4. I am enjoying my growth group. They walk the fine line they should. Loving me, yet challenging me. Living Word is the same way. My friends are all good, helpful, supportive.
So... don't say I'm lying. I AM fine. Things could very well be worse.
Ask what you really want to know. How's your Dad? How are you emotionally today? are you in a good mood? Do you feel anything today? These are questions that I can't spin a wheel & pick an answer to. Granted, I may not want not answer. If you love me, you could be a real friend & say: "it's ok if you don't feel like telling me much/anything." I very well may not want to. I may give you a one word answer. I may not want to elaborate. Something you should know is, forcing me will not give you what you want. It will give you what will help you to go away. You need me to fear you? ok I do, if you will leave me alone. [I only really fear one person. When you can die on a cross for my sins & raise yourself from the dead 3 days later... I'll fear 2 people.] You need me to feel bad? ok, I do. You need me to feel wonderful? then I do. Whatever it takes. I don't like being bullied, threatened, or bossed around. Especially if you are not my boss at work.
Not sure why I'm typing all this. Hopefully somehow this will be worth reading. Hopefully if the person who used to ask me this reads this it won't be too offensive. Hopefully to those on the other end of the extreme "I've heard he HATES being asked questions about anything." you have an idea how I approach things like this. I don't think I hate being asked questions, really. I do hate feeling like I'm endlessly looping, telling a story over & over again [in the dictionary under "redundant" it says: "see redundant"]. So maybe if you ask me something & you know there's a possibility I've just concluded telling it to someone else you could say: "if your tired of telling this, I can ask you later."
Well... his is nothing like I thought it would be. [the brochure didn't mention this at all] So I hope you can at least laugh @ how I express my annoyance at things I can't really fix.
I'll try to get back to photos, poems, 'n such tomorrow.
B
May His grace drip from your fingers
Something else that made this hard was something I noticed a long time ago about myself. My "fight or flight" response is... very weird. Activation can be measured in nano seconds. While the return to normal can take many hours. I got the call while sleeping. So I went from asleep to mobilizing myself practically instantaneously. However, I couldn't rest for hours after I got home. So the week was stressful. Thankfully everyone at work was very kind & helpful. My immediate supervisor, upon being text of the events text back: "you know, we're doing well. You can stay home tomorrow, if you need to". It hadn't occurred to me anything involving the next 24hrs. And everyone was very nice with me on Friday. Thankfully not asking too many questions. I was reminded again of why I got on facebook. I can explain something once & done. It's hard enough for me to share when things aren't going well. Being asked to repeat the whole story over & over is... I don't possess the skills or stamina for such things. I loath the process, rather intensely. Then there are the questions. I don't really like being questioned a whole lot. Especially questions that the answers are painfully obvious. I used to know someone who would have the unnerving habit of asking me: "How are you?". When I'd reply: "fine", he'd say: "well, you can lie to yourself if you want." Don't ask a question, if you have already decided what the answer is, for 1. Second of all. Ask a better, more precise question. I don't lie when I say I'm fine.
"How are you?" is an extremely vague question. [with no parameters]
I'm fine....
Which means that:
#1. I'm not bleeding from anywhere at this moment. No one is shooting at me. No one has cut me on purpose recently. No one has hit me with anything in the past few hours. I do not currently have a disease [curable or not]. All of my physical parts are functioning within normal parameters. [I could go on. I won't]
#2. I am because God invented me. "how are you?" [how come you exist] My parents were involved [obviously]. [told you it was a vague question]
#3. I have a job. they aren't trying to get rid of me. My house seems fine, & functions for me. Our cars are in running order. The bills get paid [not to my satisfaction, yet...]. The pc's, electronics, phones, bed, etc. are all working quite well.
#4. I am enjoying my growth group. They walk the fine line they should. Loving me, yet challenging me. Living Word is the same way. My friends are all good, helpful, supportive.
So... don't say I'm lying. I AM fine. Things could very well be worse.
Ask what you really want to know. How's your Dad? How are you emotionally today? are you in a good mood? Do you feel anything today? These are questions that I can't spin a wheel & pick an answer to. Granted, I may not want not answer. If you love me, you could be a real friend & say: "it's ok if you don't feel like telling me much/anything." I very well may not want to. I may give you a one word answer. I may not want to elaborate. Something you should know is, forcing me will not give you what you want. It will give you what will help you to go away. You need me to fear you? ok I do, if you will leave me alone. [I only really fear one person. When you can die on a cross for my sins & raise yourself from the dead 3 days later... I'll fear 2 people.] You need me to feel bad? ok, I do. You need me to feel wonderful? then I do. Whatever it takes. I don't like being bullied, threatened, or bossed around. Especially if you are not my boss at work.
Not sure why I'm typing all this. Hopefully somehow this will be worth reading. Hopefully if the person who used to ask me this reads this it won't be too offensive. Hopefully to those on the other end of the extreme "I've heard he HATES being asked questions about anything." you have an idea how I approach things like this. I don't think I hate being asked questions, really. I do hate feeling like I'm endlessly looping, telling a story over & over again [in the dictionary under "redundant" it says: "see redundant"]. So maybe if you ask me something & you know there's a possibility I've just concluded telling it to someone else you could say: "if your tired of telling this, I can ask you later."
Well... his is nothing like I thought it would be. [the brochure didn't mention this at all] So I hope you can at least laugh @ how I express my annoyance at things I can't really fix.
I'll try to get back to photos, poems, 'n such tomorrow.
B
May His grace drip from your fingers
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
forgiveness [...really?]
"unforgiveness is like waking up everyday, drinking poison. Hoping someone else will die." -unknown [Pastor Brian would probably know]
[you may want tissues for some of this]
Forgiveness is tough to talk about. Never mind where you draw the line... between "I forgive you" & [with heavy, dripping sarcasm] "oh, please do it to me again. Once just wasn't enough." [wow, I think I actually offended myself] I've had some interesting conversations about this after telling a few people about my past. I've also gone back & forth with it. You can't blame me, can you? I mean, he did some serious "stuff" to me. So how do you forgive someone like that? Honestly, I can't do it by myself. I'm not... big enough, strong enough, like Jesus enough... to pull this off.
I follow Jesus... I never said I was good at it.
In my story, there is much to forgive... & more than just one human [an abuser] to forgive at that. Turned out, forgiving myself takes a lot longer than forgiving him. Go figure. If you have been abused, you may not be at this stage yet. That's ok. Every story, every journey is different. Turns out God likes variety too. I have forgiven this man for all he took from me. We don't speak much. And, honestly, while my heart tries to forget... my body remembers. He was behind me in line for food once. He put his hands on my shoulders... & I almost killed him. It took every ounce of strength, to reign myself in from it. Some friends, well meaning though they are, want to kill him. For me.
Thing is, killing him ...doesn't erase what he did to me. Harder to swallow still, if you could erase what he did to me... Who would I be then? Renee Yohe is right: "you are not your story". However, your story is part of you. It is how you got to be this person. It is an explanation, yet it's not a definition. As I've said, I've forgiven him... & then been mad all over again, or hurt. As I write my story I relive much of it. Sometimes it comes close to re swallowing me whole.
"...you can surrender without a prayer, but never really pray...pray without surrender... you can fight, fight without ever winning, but never, ever win...win without a fight..." -Rush [from Resist, from the disc: Test for Echo]
"...used to be all I'd want, to learn...was wisdom, trust, & truth... but now all I really want, to learn, is forgiveness for you..." - Collective Soul [from Forgiveness, from the ironically titled disc: Disciplined Breakdown]
It's taken a long time to get to this point. Much of what is worth while is a struggle. A very long journey. That I don't want to be on some days. Yet... the best stories... are full of these gut wrenching moments. "all is lost" [or at the very least, misplaced] You have to keep going. Which is easier to say/type... than to live. I don't know if this post is... quite the way I'd hoped. I may revisit this over time.
I stumbled across a video that I thought did this topic so very well....
Forgiveness [a final journal entry]
to my abuser
I really don't know
what you were thinking.
Why you chose me
to...
"experiment on"
Like the video above
mentions
you eroded my trust
you made it hard
to trust anyone
[even God]
you made love
seem
like science fiction
you
made me
hate
me
you made me
hate being alive
you made me feel
like I was
not a person
but
an object
instead
a broken
worthless
object
I forgive you
and...
I have
a lot of people
who are
undoing
what you have done
this
is not the end
THIS
is only
the beginning
"what you
may have ment
for evil,
God will use
for good"
God
can do anything
he wants to
baby
he
ain't lost
b.e. noll
Well... I must go. get some sleep. hopefully, before this week is over, I'll breathe normally again.
May His grace
drip from your fingers.... [& perhaps love, mercy, & peace as well]
B
[you may want tissues for some of this]
Forgiveness is tough to talk about. Never mind where you draw the line... between "I forgive you" & [with heavy, dripping sarcasm] "oh, please do it to me again. Once just wasn't enough." [wow, I think I actually offended myself] I've had some interesting conversations about this after telling a few people about my past. I've also gone back & forth with it. You can't blame me, can you? I mean, he did some serious "stuff" to me. So how do you forgive someone like that? Honestly, I can't do it by myself. I'm not... big enough, strong enough, like Jesus enough... to pull this off.
I follow Jesus... I never said I was good at it.
In my story, there is much to forgive... & more than just one human [an abuser] to forgive at that. Turned out, forgiving myself takes a lot longer than forgiving him. Go figure. If you have been abused, you may not be at this stage yet. That's ok. Every story, every journey is different. Turns out God likes variety too. I have forgiven this man for all he took from me. We don't speak much. And, honestly, while my heart tries to forget... my body remembers. He was behind me in line for food once. He put his hands on my shoulders... & I almost killed him. It took every ounce of strength, to reign myself in from it. Some friends, well meaning though they are, want to kill him. For me.
Thing is, killing him ...doesn't erase what he did to me. Harder to swallow still, if you could erase what he did to me... Who would I be then? Renee Yohe is right: "you are not your story". However, your story is part of you. It is how you got to be this person. It is an explanation, yet it's not a definition. As I've said, I've forgiven him... & then been mad all over again, or hurt. As I write my story I relive much of it. Sometimes it comes close to re swallowing me whole.
"...you can surrender without a prayer, but never really pray...pray without surrender... you can fight, fight without ever winning, but never, ever win...win without a fight..." -Rush [from Resist, from the disc: Test for Echo]
"...used to be all I'd want, to learn...was wisdom, trust, & truth... but now all I really want, to learn, is forgiveness for you..." - Collective Soul [from Forgiveness, from the ironically titled disc: Disciplined Breakdown]
It's taken a long time to get to this point. Much of what is worth while is a struggle. A very long journey. That I don't want to be on some days. Yet... the best stories... are full of these gut wrenching moments. "all is lost" [or at the very least, misplaced] You have to keep going. Which is easier to say/type... than to live. I don't know if this post is... quite the way I'd hoped. I may revisit this over time.
I stumbled across a video that I thought did this topic so very well....
Forgiveness [a final journal entry]
to my abuser
I really don't know
what you were thinking.
Why you chose me
to...
"experiment on"
Like the video above
mentions
you eroded my trust
you made it hard
to trust anyone
[even God]
you made love
seem
like science fiction
you
made me
hate
me
you made me
hate being alive
you made me feel
like I was
not a person
but
an object
instead
a broken
worthless
object
I forgive you
and...
I have
a lot of people
who are
undoing
what you have done
this
is not the end
THIS
is only
the beginning
"what you
may have ment
for evil,
God will use
for good"
God
can do anything
he wants to
baby
he
ain't lost
b.e. noll
Well... I must go. get some sleep. hopefully, before this week is over, I'll breathe normally again.
May His grace
drip from your fingers.... [& perhaps love, mercy, & peace as well]
B
Monday, October 28, 2013
stumbling forward [or this isn't the end, either]
...well. I was hoping to be in a quite different frame of mind to write a followup to my previous post. However, life doesn't often follow the script we write for it. Does it? C'est la guerre. [pronounced "say lah g-air"] Or, to say it another way: "it is what it is". [and it's not what it's not] I'm a bit "under the weather". Which, in this case, is not simply a geographical statement. I did get to do all I'd hoped. I got to: hike [only 3 or 4 miles, but I got to hike], take photos [love fall photos], EAT [I won't need to eat again till Thurs.], We drove some "road not maintained" roads [even one we never get to drive on because it's usually closed -so awesome!], & wrote several poems. My buddy/brother, Rod, picked on me @ 1 point. "still doing your homework?". This was a major breakthrough for me. I never, until this trip, wrote with anyone in the room with me while I was writing. Well, anyone other than my wife anyway.
While I may be humorous here, I haven't been ...as funny or fun as I was @ the cabin in... a very long time. I think I was in my late teens early 20's, the last time I was quite so "on it" with regard to humor. I think my Father & my Uncle have missed "this me". Everyone else was kind of like, "where did this come from?". Though there was some very heavy sarcasm. "It's a gift. It's a gift. I... don't talk about it much." -I know, it's not really a spiritual gift, either. ..."well, if he's picking on me, @ least he's not picking on anyone else." -"don't bet on it, he's a multitask-er." I do think pretty fast on my feet. -may not be good thoughts, but I can think 'em up pretty fast. And looking for stuff... then finding it "right in front of you". ...[me] "yeah, we put it out in plain sight. Nobody'll EVER look for it there." [thus my thought that we should just learn to "low-jack" everything. Of course...if you forget the password to the program that links all your low-jacked stuff, well... I guess your "hosed", then, huh?]
Did I mention that I did want to write a serious post? It's the thought that counts, that's why I think a lot. Have I also mentioned that I'm also ambidextrous? I can make mistakes with both hands. Actually, ...when I was quite small, a little known fact... I had no dominant hand. This is to say that I literally switched hands every time I did something repetitive. Like eat. I'd use my left hand, set the fork down, then switch to my right hand for the very next bite. My Dad had hopes that I would become the first major league
ambidextrous pitcher. [This did not happen. -I know, "thank you Captain Obvious"]
Ok, since I can't really get serious tonight. I'm going to sign off. I just wanted to break the silence. The heaviness. I didn't... I don't want darkness to be the end. I want a better ending. I guess... I'm just gonna fight... till I get one.
and be encouraged by other stories till then.
Unconditional
October Baby [if you watch this, watch the bonus features. It'll really get you.]
oh... & now I have two true stories to be anxiously waiting for...
Ragamuffin
[& Day One]
anyway, must go...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B
While I may be humorous here, I haven't been ...as funny or fun as I was @ the cabin in... a very long time. I think I was in my late teens early 20's, the last time I was quite so "on it" with regard to humor. I think my Father & my Uncle have missed "this me". Everyone else was kind of like, "where did this come from?". Though there was some very heavy sarcasm. "It's a gift. It's a gift. I... don't talk about it much." -I know, it's not really a spiritual gift, either. ..."well, if he's picking on me, @ least he's not picking on anyone else." -"don't bet on it, he's a multitask-er." I do think pretty fast on my feet. -may not be good thoughts, but I can think 'em up pretty fast. And looking for stuff... then finding it "right in front of you". ...[me] "yeah, we put it out in plain sight. Nobody'll EVER look for it there." [thus my thought that we should just learn to "low-jack" everything. Of course...if you forget the password to the program that links all your low-jacked stuff, well... I guess your "hosed", then, huh?]
Did I mention that I did want to write a serious post? It's the thought that counts, that's why I think a lot. Have I also mentioned that I'm also ambidextrous? I can make mistakes with both hands. Actually, ...when I was quite small, a little known fact... I had no dominant hand. This is to say that I literally switched hands every time I did something repetitive. Like eat. I'd use my left hand, set the fork down, then switch to my right hand for the very next bite. My Dad had hopes that I would become the first major league
ambidextrous pitcher. [This did not happen. -I know, "thank you Captain Obvious"]
Ok, since I can't really get serious tonight. I'm going to sign off. I just wanted to break the silence. The heaviness. I didn't... I don't want darkness to be the end. I want a better ending. I guess... I'm just gonna fight... till I get one.
and be encouraged by other stories till then.
Unconditional
October Baby [if you watch this, watch the bonus features. It'll really get you.]
oh... & now I have two true stories to be anxiously waiting for...
Ragamuffin
[& Day One]
anyway, must go...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
This is not the end
Tonight at growth group, I made this title the theme of our beginning time together. I quoted Pastor Brian from Sunday morning. At any given moment you have the power to say: "This is NOT how the story is going to End." Then played Gungor's This Is Not The End [live]. This seems like a fitting beginning to this post. While I am writing my story, what I share here is not in story form. It is subject headings. Naming it, while not being vulgarly descriptive. I don't believe I can really help anyone person or large group to navigate through this by myself. If you have similar "pages" in your story, I can sympathize with you. I can try to encourage you. However... to borrow from Coldplay, slightly, [I can't really] Fix You. Nice song, love it. I, myself, cannot fix anyone else. To be truthful, this is, to an extent, a "selfish" post. Pastor Steve spoke a week ago about our three lives. Public, private, & secret. I want my secret life to become smaller. Secrets... are a pain. I myself have posted over the last weeks/ month that when we keep secrets from those who care about us, we allow ourselves to excuse away the love being shown to us. I, myself, am tired of doing this. So I'm also attempting to live what I write here.
I should also point out that since I'm not telling any one of you personally, face to face, I'm not sure we can bump into each other & begin talking about/ unpacking what is said tonight. If you wish to do that we might want to pick an appropriate time & place to discuss this if we both deem it beneficial. [sufficiently redemptive]
From this point you may want to consider when, where, with whom you wish to read further. If you have been through a trauma you may want to come back to this post at some later date. As brief as it will be, it could still bring unwanted memories to the surface for you. To write something I told my therapist, it came to me the other day. I think it's by tweets I've read from Renee kicking around in my head.
This is an explanation of how I got to be this me, it's not a definition of who I am.
[This is pretty much the way I have always done it. For the handful of people who know the "short version" this will be familiar]
I was abused from the age of 5 to the age of 11.
[this way, I don't have to name them all]
You ask: Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually?
Me: Yes [meaning all of the above]
Oh, & no. My abuser was not either of my parents.
If you've been reading my blog you might ask:
Is this the person who shot you?
Yes
So... how old were you?
10.
Though, thankfully, it was a bebe gun. as opposed to being clipped with a 9mm round or hollow point. [or other "serious" projectile]
again...
"This is NOT how the story is going to End."
So... not much else to say. I gotta try to catch up on some sleep. make sure I didn't forget anything. I'm ok by the way. I'll feel a bit better when I've posted & moved on. Still can't wait to sit with blank pages & write poems, hike, take photos, sit by the fire [& dream of snow & snowboarding. yep, I'm still weird], last but certainly not least Muddy dirt roads. [Off roading r us] 'nuff said!
ok... time for some songs. [I need a little of my own spin on TWLOHA's "heavy & light"]
Fix You - Coldplay "lights will guide you home, & ignite your bones"
[I can't fix you...but I can inspire you to change... for the better]
JJ Heller - Control
Switchfoot - Dare you to move
Krystal Meyers - Beauty of Grace
U2 - Grace "...grace makes beauty, out of ugly things..."
JJ Heller - Loved
Gungor - This is not the end
Enjoy the rest of this week. Live a great story. Embrace the weekend. Seek what brings you joy & peace. Be creative [it's fun... & people will wonder what your up to. me... i'm up to about 5'5" ;) ]
and...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B
I should also point out that since I'm not telling any one of you personally, face to face, I'm not sure we can bump into each other & begin talking about/ unpacking what is said tonight. If you wish to do that we might want to pick an appropriate time & place to discuss this if we both deem it beneficial. [sufficiently redemptive]
From this point you may want to consider when, where, with whom you wish to read further. If you have been through a trauma you may want to come back to this post at some later date. As brief as it will be, it could still bring unwanted memories to the surface for you. To write something I told my therapist, it came to me the other day. I think it's by tweets I've read from Renee kicking around in my head.
This is an explanation of how I got to be this me, it's not a definition of who I am.
[This is pretty much the way I have always done it. For the handful of people who know the "short version" this will be familiar]
I was abused from the age of 5 to the age of 11.
[this way, I don't have to name them all]
You ask: Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually?
Me: Yes [meaning all of the above]
Oh, & no. My abuser was not either of my parents.
If you've been reading my blog you might ask:
Is this the person who shot you?
Yes
So... how old were you?
10.
Though, thankfully, it was a bebe gun. as opposed to being clipped with a 9mm round or hollow point. [or other "serious" projectile]
again...
"This is NOT how the story is going to End."
So... not much else to say. I gotta try to catch up on some sleep. make sure I didn't forget anything. I'm ok by the way. I'll feel a bit better when I've posted & moved on. Still can't wait to sit with blank pages & write poems, hike, take photos, sit by the fire [& dream of snow & snowboarding. yep, I'm still weird], last but certainly not least Muddy dirt roads. [Off roading r us] 'nuff said!
ok... time for some songs. [I need a little of my own spin on TWLOHA's "heavy & light"]
Fix You - Coldplay "lights will guide you home, & ignite your bones"
[I can't fix you...but I can inspire you to change... for the better]
JJ Heller - Control
Switchfoot - Dare you to move
Krystal Meyers - Beauty of Grace
U2 - Grace "...grace makes beauty, out of ugly things..."
JJ Heller - Loved
Gungor - This is not the end
Enjoy the rest of this week. Live a great story. Embrace the weekend. Seek what brings you joy & peace. Be creative [it's fun... & people will wonder what your up to. me... i'm up to about 5'5" ;) ]
and...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B
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