My three favorite X-men.

They would be: James Howlett III, also known as Logan, & The Wolverine.

The thing is, I see the X-men partly from the standpoint of flaws made to look attractive. Wolverine gives you an idea what it's like to have PTSD. He's always waiting for someone to try to kill him. When he feels threatened, his claws come out. I so get this it's not funny. Probably because my abuser always surprised me with his desire to "go down that path". Wolverine also wasn't born with the steal on his bones & claws. [called Adamantium] It was an experiment done to him later on. I also felt "experimented on". So I have felt like him a bit. Like if he were real, we'd understand each other.
It's why I "jump" sometimes at LW when people touch me. My "jumpiness" is my mind overriding my body's natural desire to defend itself. I learned to do that because of the negative, abusive touch I used to get. It doesn't always happen. Yet it can happen when I least expect it to. I almost broke a friend's neck in a grocery store checkout line, once. Not fun. Though, he never walks up behind me anymore... So I'm nervous about myself at times.

I mentioned talking about Kurt Wagner, also known as Nightcrawler, when I posted a drawing of him on Pinterest. Nightcrawler is the one X-man who believes in God. Ironic, huh? He looks like a blue devil.

I've often felt like I might as well look like that when I've been around some people who are Christians or believers, worshipers of God. Not all of them "get me". I'm "out there" as far as they are concerned. I like things they think I shouldn't. I hang with people they don't think I should even acknowledge. Honestly, I tried to be what they wanted... & I never felt so far from God in my life. So I stopped. I just tried to become what ...[it's a bit scary to say it like this. Though I don't know how else to say it] I simply tried to draw close to him. To be what he wanted. When I walk alone in nature...I feel like he walks with me. Ok... that was weird. yet still true. Same with the movies I watch, music I listen to....

I also liked a line from X2 [the film X2: X-men united]

"You know... outside of the circus. People were afraid of me, but I didn't hate them. Do you know why? Because most people will never understand anything beyond what they can see with their own two eyes."

Then there is Dr. Hank McCoy. Also known as Beast. Lately I feel a bit of an unusual connection to him. See, he's been drawn differently in comics. From series to series. Even within a series depending on who draws him. He was originally Caucasian. Just like in X-men: First Class. Then he was blue skinned. Then he tried to change his skin color back, it didn't work. He became "cat like". He has been described as having a sort of fluctuating DNA. So every so often his appearance changes. Thus the 3 different versions of him from X3, to First Class, to the last film Days of Future Past. These are 2 of my favorite versions of him.

As my life goes on, I feel like there are times of "monumental change". Though more thought process, emotional, behavioral changes than my body becoming wholly different. So I feel a connection to these 3 X-men. Strange as that may seem.

So I think that'll be it for tonight.

I wrote a much longer intro to this... yet I'm not sure I like that part. I want to write to Jamie about a post he put on instagram...yet, I'm not sure how good of an idea that would be.

May His grace drip from your fingers,

B

#WeLoveTheBroken

I wrote of this on Tumblr. I wrote of it from a U2 perspective. Though I later wrote this, more poem like version. Hope you like it......

"What's your favorite song right now?" she [my Mom] asked.

We Love The Broken
if I must pick
it is the song of the universe
thousands of bands 
singing different lyrics together
songs of pain
and of healing
songs of hope
not sung in vain
it is the sound
of nature's glorious symphony
humming of the love
that made it
and conducts it
the sound of people
confessing their stories
uncountable horrors
from darkness
that threatened
to drown the teller
yet
by the very act of telling
they are saved
helped.....healed
using the ears 
that listen
the hearts that hear
   and
      love
        the storytellers because of  [in spite of]
these stories 

I am one of the listeners
your stories
are aloe 
to my own
for we will love
the broken
and thus
feel love
as well


Well... there's a ....poem? Well, there "it" is. [whatever it is]

I still want to write more on the To Write Love On Her Arms movie. There's so much I could say. I really enjoyed it [which, I believe, I've said already]. I see parts of my own life in it. 
I've been the one asking: "you coming in?" & heard the familiar, toke on your cigarette, & say: "NOPE". As well as the lines: 
"So. Are you addicted to Jesus?" 
....
"So, why are you here?" 
"I'm here for the communion wine."
"I hear that's watered down, now."

Still cracks me up watching "Renee" look at "Jamie" & ask: "Want some Lucky Charms?" You cannot know how many ..."unique" introductions to "people who became friends later on" I've had. You can't, cause I couldn't even try to take a stab at a number. Though... there is a "high lights reel".... 
There are moments that maybe I see way more than anyone was trying to put into a scene.
Then there is the discussion guide. Which I did the... brave? [or is brave just the polite spelling of stupid?] decision of emailing a friend. Not just the guide, I sent it with my answers. Time will tell just how good an idea that was. 
Well, I should go for now. Late nights.... long drives.... lots of "stuff" going on...

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B 

The April problem [the month, not a girl]

ok... I'm gonna post this. I wrote it a while ago. Earlier in the month. April has been ...not always a horrible month, yet often it is. I'm still working on the details of it. Can I find a why? Can I figure out a way to fix the problem? If no -to either of these... can I find a way to fight it? YES, I can. So I've assembled music, 2 books, a couple of movies. Think of them as... Swords, taping up my hands for a fight, guns & ammo, ...whatever works for you. Whatever analogy is vivid for you. It seems to be working. However, the one thing I'm a little nervous about... call it "nervously determined". I'm planning to assemble a few people who will know my story better. So I can share a bit better how I'm feeling. If I can't put into words what I'm feeling they will have a sliver of an idea what it comes from at least. I struggle still with who should know how much. Yet, as I read blog posts from To Write Love On Her Arms... I cannot help but see how helpful it is for me to be able to read many of their posts. They are a big proponent of community. And our need for it. Like many other things, I seem to live this "it's important for others to have... not me." Which is a very pathetic lie [if ever there were one]. So I'm trying to apply their People Need Other People to my own self. Which isn't very easy. Yet I feel it's necessary. 
So all that to explain the poem that follows, & the few sentences after. I've been up & down since. This week is no different. Tomorrow is my last work day for the week. Then I'm going to try to relax a bit. Well, my version of relax, anyway.  Baking Red Velvet cake, photohiking, driving. I can not wait. Hopefully tomorrow I'll pass my CDL test. I think so. I've been practicing. You haven't lived till you've tried to parallel park a 26 foot box truck.  
Take care of yourself. Make sure, sooner rather than later, that you have some people who know the darker pages of your story. You never know.... your struggle may very well help someone else's struggle... their struggle... my very well help yours. 
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

over again

like a scratched record

I get up

I

fall

down

I beat myself up

till I fall

in a heap

on the floor

What did I do

oh no

not again

here we go

all

over again

back to the same

wretched place

broken

wondering

how many times

can I go through this?

how many times

must I?

will this ever end?

am I doomed

to this

rerun?

I want to be done.

for this

to be over

yet

it isn't.

So I beat myself up

till I

fall

down

again

endlessly

it continues

like I'm circling

the drain

over

& over

& over

over again
...

one day

it will be

over.

never

again

Sorry, I'm a bit up & down lately. Things coming & going round again. Same struggles, different year. It's not "getting old". It's not new enough, anymore. 
So I'm working out a ...well, a new fight strategy.