I wanted to paint out of love, kindness, hope

Tonight I went out on a limb. I decided to paint. Which I've done before...to my house. I have never considered myself a painter. At all. I like to look at other people's paintings, & "wish I could do that". That's me. Infused Arts @ LWCC, is an artists community, at my church. I decided [after saying I was gonna for about 2 yrs]  to go. So I went in July [for photography]. This month I wasn't sure of.
However, as these photos prove, I went. I really wasn't prepared for my evening. It was fun....

 

 

 I like the way light plays off the paint...

It was a real internal struggle for me, though. I guess I want everyone around me to think that I'm smart enough to know what I really am not good at. Smart enough to not go & do what I can't do well. Thing is... how am I supposed to know if I'm good at it if I never actually try doing it? Further, I can't expect myself to be a professional "world class" or "world famous" anything without trying it. Practicing it. Honing my skills at it. Wait... I should say that I "shouldn't expect that".... The problem is, that's EXACTLY what I expect. From myself. I only expect perfection. Well... from myself. YOU? I got all the grace in the WORLD for you. Just.... not for me.  ...why is that? Beats me. All I know is THAT is something I might just be "The World's Best" at.
After that paragraph, you can imagine how my night started. I began confident... which lasted about 9 nano seconds... & promptly fell off a cliff. Internally: "Why did you think you could do this? This. looks. dumb. Seriously, what ARE you doing? This, is garbage. ..." And on & on it went for a bit. I seriously had to force myself to stay. To keep trying. Is it a masterpiece? I don't know.... I don't care, really. That wasn't the point. The point was to step... into something a bit scary. Something out of the ordinary for me. As I pushed through the negative thoughts racing into my mind, I did what I usually do. I encouraged others. I enjoyed their paintings taking shape. I began to realize that I was one of many who really weren't sure they were "cut out for this". We encouraged each other. As I just kept playing around, dabbling in this paint & that one. I began to force other thoughts. "I like that color.... Mick would like that color.... What if I try this? nope, not liking that. Ok. How about this? -ooooh, I like what she's doing there. Can I make my own version of that happen in my painting?"
Turns out..... the answer was yes. Then one woman came up to me & said: "I like that. I like the hands upraised above the heart. Did you try that? Do you see what I'm talking about?" At first, no. Then...yeah, I do. No, it wasn't planned. Had a great conversation with another gal about how helpful art can be. How therapeutic it can be.
honestly, tonight.... with these people.... was therapy, in the most unusual way.
I really enjoyed this. Especially when I stood up to the inner struggle against myself.

The heart, in the corner, I sign notes to my wife & my Mother with that. I sometimes put it on an envelope as the "postage" on a card I give them. I wanted to paint out of love, kindness, hope..... it never occurred to me that I might be struggling to give myself hope.
It was worth the struggle.

I painted that. I painted the heart with my finger.

May you feel loved.
and may His grace,
drip from your fingers,
B

Please... don't go [a poem]

Please... don't go

it can be hard
to stay here
when all you see
is broken
when it all seems
like it's your fault
like everything you touch...
just goes away
when you feel
like your dreams
thumbed a ride
and all you can do
is watch the tail lights dissapear
And all you wanna do
is "go with"
however
as tempting as it can be
to end your story
please...don't
please stay here
we need you
your the only you
we'll ever get
No one else can do that job
but you
We need you
we want you
even
if you don't
don't
let
go
life is a gift
please share yours
with us
b.e. noll


"...& be.....
be yourself.
There's no one,
who does it
quite
like you
& be.....
no one else
cause if you don't
then who is going to?
your a tribute to the best of us..."
from "Be" by Kevin Max

more fragments [or what a fractal would look like if it were made with a typewriter]

No One Else Can Play Your Part I just liked this.
Sorry the individual song on my last post has been taken down. [I'm more sorry that it wasn't legally put up. Feel like I should apologize to U2 & UMG, however, I didn't put it up] You can still listen to the album on iTunes, it's still free. Though, I plan on getting a physical copy. I can't say I support a band when I didn't buy their disc. [My Mom thinks it's cool that she has a U2 disc in her iTunes library. I'm probably the only "kid" -I am 43- who's Mom not only prays for his friends...she prays for the bands that move me. At least the ones I tell her about all the time.]
Been wearing my TWLOHA T's this week. Tomorrow will probably be "brown's turn" [if not it'll be: "La Vie Est Belle" which, in English, means "Life Is Beautiful". My Limited Ed. Sevenly & TWLOHA shirt] 
I'm not sure why, I seem to be attracted to "interesting" movies lately. 
This looks good: YOUR NOT YOU. Heart breaking moment: when the caretaker says "You wanna die, & you know I won't let you." ouch.
Sobering conversation tonight with a friend. He shared that his Mom committed suicide...& his son has talked about it. We've agreed to talk about suicide at some point. Then he said something I... couldn't think of a response to. "Glad you're still here, B." ...what, exactly, do you say to that?
He knows that I came pretty close to it.... [seems like someone I knew, a lifetime ago]

"...there is a light, don't let it go out..." by U2 from: Song for Someone, from the album: Songs of Innocence.

"There is no end to LOVE."
- BONO [from: Bono's note, on U2's website: "Remember us?"]
[not that he's ever gonna be bored enough to read this]
Dear Bono,[Edge, Adam, & Larry]
Remember you... I'll never forget you. Though you don't know me from Adam & Eve's house cat, your songs are: nostalgic, comforting, give me permission to cry [& help me do so], give me permission to scream.... many are like old friends. We have secret stories. They are encouragement letters set to music. Post-it notes to keep me going.

Thanks, take good care of yourselves.
No one else can play your part.
Thanks, for playing your part.
B

I need to go for now. Get some sleep, so I can try my had at painting "Jackson Pollock style" tomorrow. I know... push your luck much? ALL the time. But, hey...I AM good at it, no?

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

You matter, no matter what

I have so many thoughts in my head.
I should be sleeping.
and I can't keep my head still.
Still... I think & try to find
a way to settle this
ever plaguing thought process
swirling in my head
though
I should be asleep
instead.
I'm going to wear my TWLOHA shirt
[well, one of them, anyway]
tomorrow
-wait, today. it's after midnight.
Welcome to today
welcome to
your life
right now.
already running
spinning in or out of
control
I get to drive today.
I can't wait.
though, it would have been nice to listen to the new U2
on my drive.
Anyway, as you can see I'm not really doing anything,
just playing.
So for tonight...
i'm gonna sign off with some small random quotes & links
if your iTunes works [mine doesn't] you can go to iTunes & get the new disc by U2, for free.
if yours isn't working either. Here, you can listen to it. U2 - SONGS OF INNOCENCE
I feel like, in light of today being World Suicide Prevention Day, this feels like a theme song for today: U2 - Song For Someone
ok, now for rAnDoM things of moderate interest.....
Great words from TWLOHA
Welcome to midnight. Glad your here. To new beginnings [& greater chapters]

This came to me last night…

Perhaps we are all like nuts.
The “meat” on the inside is the real us…
The shell to be discarded is who we wish we were…

 

To the wrong person, you'll never have any worth. To the right person, you mean everything. from God's not dead. #NoOneElse14 #TWLOHA 

 

"We all need people to fall apart with." #simplytrue 

 

Repost of the poem Unique [on Tumblr]

Remember that you matter...to more people than you think.

May his grace drip from your fingers,
B

a poem

who you aren't

you

are not what you drive

you

are not

where you live

you are not
how good you could look in a digitally altered photo

you are not

what you do "for a living"

you are not

what you wear

you are not

what you eat

you are not

any disease you have

or might get one day

you are not

simply "what your gifted at"

you are not

who you hang out with

you are not

your favorite color

or song

or movie

you are not

the library of

books

movies

or music

that you own

you
are not

a mistake

you
are not

an accident

you
are not

your story

You are not

an object

...

you

are

SO MUCH MORE

than any of these lesser things

by b.e. noll

TWLOHA: No one else can play your part #nooneelse14

To Write Love On Her Arms is asking this question for Suicide awareness week Sept. 8th - 14th [day: 10th]. So I thought I'd put some thoughts down....

I see faces in my mind who would have no problem writing this for me. The answer seems so loud to them. I sit here & stare, dumbly, at them.  The first thing that comes to mind is a sarcastic answer. "...because who would WANT to?" "...because no one else is THIS strange."

I'd like to grab the first one....

Who would want to play my part?

See, if you play my part....who will play yours? If you play my part & I don't.... then the world looses two people. You can't be me, AND your not being you. You might be able to be me long enough to film a movie, but that's it. So be yourself. You won't know how valuable it is till we get to see it for ourselves. We probably need it more than either of us knows.

Which is probably true of me, also.

I cannot tell you how many times I've head people say: "you see things so differently than anyone else I know."

Yeah, it's not as fun as the brochure says it is. Sometimes it sucks to be unique.

So...

No one can play my part because...

well, for starters, no one would turn this question into a blog post [except me]. Because no one jokes like I do. Because no one can be really "stream-of-consciousness" funny like me, one minute... then be able to talk/ listen to others talk about really dark stuff & just listen. Trying to understand, help, just be there & tell them they still matter. Ask later on how they are. Do they still know that they are loved. That they matter. That I'm glad they are still alive.

So...I ask you who read this to sit & come up with the answer as well.

Tell someone why: "No one can play your part".

It's true, even if you can't believe it.

[listened to this while writing this post] I Believe - Christina Perri

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Only The Tears Are Different

I've been trying to figure out what to say about Robin Williams.... Those of you who have been with me when I would joke around, know I really liked Robin. I will always like him. He made me laugh....like till my stomach hurts & tears are tracing their way down my cheeks.

What's more he made me feel like I'm not alone. I could point to him & say "well... He's worse than me. He makes you laugh more often, sooner, & harder than I do." ...which means it must be ok on SOME level for me to do it, too.

I wish I could have made him laugh. I wish, basically, that I could have tried to return the favor. I still laugh, just as hard. ...only the tears are different......

Just hearing his name makes me smile. I have memories of watching him be a guest on so many different shows. Watching Mork & Mindy. Seeing What Dreams May Come, Good Morning Vietnam, Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, & many others. Robin could make you laugh till your stomach hurt. But he could talk ABOUT ANYTHING & do that. [Robin Williams on golf] I could post hundreds of these. Just youtube him & I give you a minute & a half to be laughing uncontrollably. [it probably won't take half that time] I think it was Oprah Winfrey who was quoted as saying [of having Robin on your show as a guest] "You don't really have Robin Williams as a guest on your show. He has you as a guest on his."
I kept thinking this last week of the little lines....
Good Morning Vietnam: [to Forrest Wittaker] "you know, if the engines running, it's already started."
Dead Poets Society: "why am I standing on my desk?" a student: "to feel taller?" [rings one of those "ring bell for service" bells] "No, [ring] Thank you for playing Mr. Dalton."
about a prank the kids played on the dean of the school:
"God calling...that was good. but it wasn't daring. Now if God had called collect, THAT would have been daring."
Good Will Hunting: Will: [hugging his therapist] "does this violate the dr. patient code?"
"Only if you grab my a"
He made me enjoy living. He made fun of everyone, himself included. Even when things go wrong, he could run with it. I still see that moment when, in the middle of an interview [on the tonight show with Leno], the lights went out. Total darkness. No one spoke, not even Robin. when Robin didn't speak...it was ok, he was just reloading. [or changing topic, hard to tell really] Then a spot light came on above the desk between them. Robin, ever the improv master, stands up begins removing his blazer, steps up onto the chair & then onto the desk: "their coming for me Jay, I'm going home now, I won't forget you, strange little people..." [ok, honestly, the only line I remember him actually saying is "their coming for me Jay"]

...not sure what else there is for me to say...
I really liked What Jamie Tworkowski said: In Paste Magazine here [Don't mistake the man for the moment]
And really appreciated what Sophia Bush said on Instagram: [re-posted on TWLOHA here]
And Billy Crystal: from the emmy's

Only The Tears Are Different

I never knew

how similar we were

till you left

I think of you & smile

Can't imagine it
any other way

You made me laugh

till I cried

I always had to watch you twice

to laugh at the jokes

I was laughing during

the first time

I never wondered

how you "did it"

I was just so glad
for the blessing

the gift

of being able to enjoy

what you have brought to so many

I guess you never knew

how important

your part really was

like many

I echo

the wish that I could have helped

hopefully

others

can be helped

as a tribute

to how you helped us

You will always make me laugh

I'll always be glad you can

I'm sad we won't get any new

skits/ impromptu's

from you

yet

I'll hold onto

all the ones we have

they'll always make me laugh...

yet, right now....

the tears are for a different reason






May His grace drip from your fingers,
B