short

This just came to me today. Out of the blue. Wished I could have said this to someone a long time ago.

In the Company of Tears

My dear

Your eyes

Have cried

Enough tears

For one lifetime

I

Sadly

Cannot guarantee

You will cry no more

All I can guarantee

Is

Your tears

Neither fall alone

Nor unnoticed. 
b.e. noll

I put this up everywhere else so why not here

Hello. I've asked for prayer for The Guatemala short term missions trip every February. In my multiple places of social media. [I am currently on: facebook, twitter: @bought_as_is, pinterest: B.E. Noll, & tumblr: bought as is.  &... of course here] So I posted links everywhere but here.
Thanks to Megan McDermott for making this video. [I hope I'm not making things difficult for anyone.]
It IS long 17 min.
If you ever wondered about the trip, watch this video.
I hope to go some year with my Dad.
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

continuing onward

I'm not sure I can just post on lent the whole 40 days. So, in between, I'll sometimes be posting "other stuff".

I’d like to write about how I’m not on the “inside” of every little thing. So, with St. Patrick’s Day closing in, I’d like to tell you that the most Irish I am is:
I like U2, Van Morrison, don’t know if you’d consider these other 2 to have an “Irish connection” or not: Mumford & Sons & Iona. I like the color green a lot. Shamrock shakes, Annnnddd yes, this IS very lame. Thanks for noticing. I can’t be on the inside of everything. Sometimes as I post I just feel like there’s this “B’s from everywhere, experienced everything, had to deal with everything…” Don’t buy that for a second. There are a lot of things I don’t know. A lot of experiences that I never had. I’m an only child. So I have no real knowledge of siblings. However, since God is not bound by the things we are, he can “get away with” things that we can be blessed by. Even if they aren’t the “normal” way we would like to have them. There really were times when I wished I had siblings. God has most graciously given me “siblings”. I lived close to several of my cousins for quite a while. Betsy, & Lori were my first “sisters”. Doug was like a “brother”. When I got married, I got sisters [-in-law]. Which was a new, & fun experience. Now, through LWCC, I have quite a few “siblings”. Though, I must confess, the thought never occurred to me that having sisters would mean that I would one day be called “Uncle Brian”. When I see Jamie Tworkowski post photos of his nephew, I can’t help but want to tell him: “you think you enjoy him now? Wait’ll he runs up, hugs your thigh, & says ‘Hi Uncle Jamie’ ‘Love you Uncle Jamie” That’ll really get you. One of those “can’t wipe the smile off your face so don’t even try” moments. I’ve enjoyed mine [& still do].
I’m going to try to post short posts & long ones. As well as brush off my somewhat hidden comedy & sprinkle it in here & there. I used to be quite the comedian to some folks. Much more so than I have been in recent years. This is just another of the parts of me that I don’t seem to understand. I’ve been called a good listener, yet I’ve also been told that I’m quite the “funny guy”. Does that make sense to you? [I kind of hope not. Then I won’t feel so on the outside by myself]
So welcome to this odd season of posting. Hope you can enjoy some of them.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

on lent pt. 1 [of?]

I don’t want to alienate anyone who reads this blog. I don’t want to “convert” anyone either. At the same time I want to be my authentic self. This means I believe in the God of the Bible. This also means I worship him. Perhaps not the way you are used to someone you know [or you yourself] worships him. Yet, I have come to a quite definitive conclusion that he not only exists, wants & loves me, he also has a purpose for me. I don’t know if I can put into words what on Earth that purpose is. Or even that I would know at this point. However, I am thoroughly convinced that he has one. Considering that as I write out my story I see how many times I could have & probably should have died & yet I did not. It is a sobering thing to have a medical doctor tell you: “Well, if you believe in God, then you should go home & thank him. Because he’s the only reason I can come up with that you are still alive. Medically, scientifically, you should have died today. Your being alive is against the laws of physics. Electricity does not behave this way. At least not normally.” In all of my days of being called a smart “a”/ “quick witted” person, this was a time I was quite speechless. What’s a snappy comeback for that? I had plenty of time to be reminded of this near to death experience. Since for a long time I had a pink burn mark up the side of my face. [I honestly don’t remember how many months it took before it went away.] However, I’m not posting here to tell the story of when I bled from my ear & went from being conscious standing in one place to being conscious four feet away sitting on the floor. Perhaps another time.

I’m going to post about Jesus. Lent is a time we think of his sacrifice for us. What it means to us. I don’t know if you’re ready for this. I’m not sure I am, either.

I have found it to be a sort of miracle that no one speaks of. At his trial, Jesus says very little. Jesus is God. We are told this quite definitively. He displayed this to great & dramatic effect. …so, this means that the same voice that spoke: “let there be light” & there was light. Said nothing to his own defense. You & I speak so carelessly with words. Often not realizing the weight of our words. The power of our words. The destruction our words can cause. The healing our words can bring. Jesus also said very little during his crucifixion. As I look at this truth. It speaks of how great Jesus is. His power & his wisdom & constraint. How much power you have is not nearly as important as how you wield it. You do realize, that at any point. He could have just said: “go to Hell”. The difference between him saying this, & you & I saying it, is that he would have been alone in minutes. Because when he says things, even the elements obey him. Can you imagine the restraint he HAD to have? All that power. And he just let them do that to him. For us. For you. For me. This leads me to 2 things he said. “he who seeks to save his life will loose it. He who looses his life, for my sake, will keep it for eternity.” [Luke 9:24] Jesus lived this out. I think it’s partly why he still has the scars. Only partly why, though. He became nothing, to be our everything. I’ve spent years wondering why the most important man ever kept his scars…& removed many of mine. [I do have a few left]

I’ll post the other thing he said in a few days/weeks. I’ve begun to write out a series here. So “stay tuned”. I’ll also speak of the other reason he kept his scars later.

[you have no idea how many different things I’ve thought of doing here over the next days/ weeks/ month. Wish me luck –or pray for me. As I figure out what to say/ share.]

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

on loss [& songs of]

My thoughts go out to a friend tonight. He was pretty sure this would happen before the week ended. His mother died. This again takes me back to my earliest memory. My Mother loosing her Mom. When I was 4. Back to the Red Velvet Cake that is part of my only vague memory of her. [she made it for my birthday. And, in a little over a month, I'll have some for my b-day again] I'm not really sad. I am, however, pretty gone. I got 1 1/2 hours of sleep last night. So, after this I will be acting out a band name: "sleeping at last".
I've thought of writing on loss lately. So I think I'll do that a bit tonight. As I so enjoy music... I have music that speaks to me on loss. So I'll post them here.
While I do, I'll think of two people from/ connected to TWLOHA who lost a very close important friend over a year ago. I pray for them, on the 14th of each month, lately. Think of them... ask God to... "hug them for me". Maybe this post could comfort them. [they love music like me]
[kind of afraid to share this. Don't know if any of my family read this anymore.]
When I was 21... I lost a cousin, Heather. She was 17. Car accident. For whatever reason, songs from The Choir's Circle Slide disc seem to remind me of it...
Blue skies
Merciful Eyes Fav lines: "...Heaven come near, whisper the answer. did a dead man arise when she entered the room? did I smell love decaying, & call it perfume? Can a justified man, know the grave from the womb?..... Baby come close, sorry words spoken, Would the spirit of truth, make a liar understand. If I reach for the blue with my face in the sand. Can a justified slave call himself a free man? When I turn from your face, render mercy & grace, red blood rain, from the sky, God have merciful eyes..."
Restore My Soul
I call to you
With one lung exploded
From breathing the dust of the earth
With my tongue eroded
From licking the crust of the earth
A tear away from reconciled
A prayer away from whole
Restore my soul...

I cry to you
With two eardrums blistered
From laughing with preachers of night
With my vertebrae twisted
From dancing with creatures of night
A day away from sanctified
A breath away from whole
Restore my soul...

I crawl to you
With ten fingers smoking
From turning the pages of sin
With my spirit choking
From earning the wages of sin
A bridge away from justified
A step away from whole
Restore my soul... 
...RESTORE
MY
SOUL


I remember when my Great Grandmother died as well. If she had lived another 3 weeks she would have been 106 yrs old. She spent the last week of her life in the hospital, her very first time in there, ever. It was a Sat. Mom read her favorite Bible verses to her. She then asked Mom: "I don't know what to do. Should I stay, or should I go?" Mom: "You should ask Jesus what he wants you to do. If he wants you to go home, then go home. If he wants you to stay, then you need to stay & do whatever he wants you to." We drove home from [Lititz?] the hospital... & there was a message for us from them. After listening to it I told Mom, "I guess Great Grandma beat us home."
One thing I remember when she would visit. After she was 101, she began to say, every time I saw her: "You know, this might be the last time you see me." Being myself, I get tired of saying the same things after a while, or hearing the same things. Over & over. So I finally replied: "Why do you say that? You DO believe in God, in Jesus & what he did for us...right? You believe you're going to heaven, right?" she  said yes. "...then we will ALWAYS see each other again. The only question is... how long will it be, between this time... & the next time." She totally loved this.
Sting - Why Should I cry for You? fav. lines: "...sometimes I see your face, stars seem to loose their place, ....why should I cry for you? why would you want me to? what would it mean to say: I have loved you in my fashion..."

When my Dad's Mother died it was hard. We got the sickening "opportunity" to decide when & what she died from. Let her go soon [i.e. less painful], or hold on & let her die a very painful way. So our choices were: sucks vs sucks even worse. Wow you shouldn't have. No. Seriously. Please don't ever do that again. If I want to feel that way again, I'll go into my kitchen, grab a knife & stab myself. It's faster.
We decide to go with "option #1",  by the way. It was either with Grandma Noll or Great Grandma that I began to no longer say good bye. I replaced that with: "I'll see you soon...sooner for you than for me, I'm afraid." When I would go to the funeral, I would thank God...for giving me the gift of a relationship with the one lost.
U2 - One Tree Hill "...I'll see you again, when the stars fall from the sky, & the moon has turned red, over one tree hill...  rainin' rainin' in your heart rainin' in your heart.......oh...great...ocean...oh...great...sea....run...to...the ocean....run...to...the sea."
U2 - Where the streets have no name "...I wanna run. I want to hide. I wanna tear down the walls, that hold me inside. I wanna reach out, & touch the flame. Where the Streets Have No Name.....[from the live version on Rattle & Hum, the movie] Oh darlin' ...oh now darlin'... i wanna go there with you, yeah." [too many lyric lines to post all my fav parts]
U2 are four men who really have no idea how much they have meant to me. Just by writing & releasing songs. I carry their songs like a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. Or... a sword & a shield to do battle...often with myself. ["...I can't fight you anymore, it's you I'm fighting for..."] They help me to cry, & not be afraid or embarrassed to do so. Bono can break my heart with his voice. Vocal chords plucking heart strings. [not that they read this] Thanks guys. two small words to cover a dictionary of emotions, & thoughts.

Then, of course, there was the loss of Mare's twins. Mackenzie is 9 as of yesterday. [my oldest niece] That means that my nephews would have been 9 this year also.
Mom cried when I told her. And said: "My Momma will enjoy them till Mare gets there."
This where I am most thankful for U2. Mare had a tough year. So Walk On became my "song to her". [never really told her that] I've sang this one at the top of my lungs though a veil of tears so many times I've lost count. It's rare I get through it without some tears, honestly. I still remember 2 friends from church telling me "it's ok if you're mad at God." I told them: "I know God too well to be mad at him, but not well enough to know what he's doing." So it was cool last summer to have someone from Growth Group play a song by JJ Heller that seemed to be written from this quote of mine. I went back through all the previous songs during this time. I took long walks alone. Silence ...inside & out. There just weren't words that worked. Just some songs....
U2 - Walk On
"...and love, is not the easy thing, the only baggage, that you can bring, love, is not the easy thing, the only baggage you can bring, is, all that you can't, leave behind...[the "gets me every time" part:] and. if. your. glass. heart. should. crack. or for. a second. you turn back, oh no, be strong, oh, walk on, walk on, what you got, they can't deny it, can't sell it, or buy it, walk on, walk on...STAY SAFE TONIGHT. and I know it aches. & your. heart it breaks. you can only take. so much. walk on..."
JJ Heller - Who You Are "...sometimes life doesn't make any sense, full of wars & pain & accidents, we keep praying I don't know, I don't know, what your doing...but I know who you are. You have a father's heart, & a love that's wild...and you know what it's like, to loose....what it's like to loose a child...."

May you be comforted... when you feel like the world is either falling apart or trying to beat you down. Hold tight to those who will sit in your hell with you. Those who will bring "light into dark places, when all other lights, go out."
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
So for Jay...[and a few others, who, if they read this. will know who they are...j&r]
after all this, there's only one thing left to say...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

another journal post channel surfing thing [enjoy...or don't]

Let me begin by saying this post will have a bit of a channel surfing quality to it. Just to warn you ahead of time.

Now I shall borrow from Inigo Montoya: "Let me esplain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up"
I began this blog to help me learn to speak. Learn to communicate better. To be honest with at least myself, if not with anyone else. I told myself I wasn't going to care if anyone read this or not. Commented or not. I wanted to be up front with the idea that I am not perfect. That I am broken. So, in case... well, in case you read it I wanted a "heads up" for you: "This is a flawed person you are reading about." I was kind of hoping to have a "devil may care" attitude about this. It was a nice thought. Turns out I did care whether anyone read it. For a while it was kind of disappointing that there were no comments.
I didn't want to let those things be the driving force behind my writing.
For me at least,
"Writing is the healthiest way to bleed."
Writing is my therapy. It unlocks the prison I locked myself in.
So with much of this in mind I decided to call this thing, this "adventure" Bought "as is".
At the time my thought was: "If I ever got a tattoo of words on my body, that would be it. Because you should know "up front" that I am damaged goods. However, as I journeyed with this. Sat with those three words. I realized that Jesus bought me, knowing full well, that "there was something wrong". So it began to be changed. As I wrote it became freeing. At times confessing. This journey has lead me to this point where I'm going to try to talk about an event many of us know about. The difference is... I'm going to tell you my thoughts on it. Which might require some understanding of where I was when some of the thoughts occurred. This will be the tricky part.

Now for some things from my journal.
Striped Hat [revisited]
so
we come
at last
back
to the
striped hat
and the wounded
bird
beneath it
she could still
fly free
she just needs
to heal her wings
fly
little bird
hide no more
soar free
share your
broken wing story
sing it
on the wind
that it might
resonate
with strangers
so more
will come out of hiding
and join the chorus
adding their own
verse
to a grand
ongoing story
of redemption
[and how possible it is]
b.e. noll
[1 of many poems written while reading Purpose for the Pain, by Renee Yohe]

[entry yesterday]
...I think that those who have experienced deep pain have been taken to a place where they see the world from a very rare, unique vantage point. They [we?] can help the world to see itself in a way, from a perspective, that it cannot see otherwise. We have to find a way to out live the darkness that threatens to keep us outside the world. Trapped inside ourselves by the enemy of us all. We need to unite against him with the architect of all that is.
We CAN out live the enemy.

The Middle
I sit here in the middle
of wonderful forward movements
I need them all
Yet I stumble & fall
into "park"
my breaks put on
when all I want to do
is keep rolling forward
I
will
not
give up
I will keep struggling forward
I will get back to "having"
so I can give
again
I want to give again
I'm gonna
he
  will
    not
      stop
        me!
I'm going to live
     -to thrive again
and this time NOTHING
will take it from me
I
am a fighter
a survivor
I survived abuse
horrible abuse
so
I      will      live      well
THIS story
will not end in dust!
I will leave
this middle ground
and climb higher
higher than thorns
to your garden

b.e. noll

Eugene Peterson spoke of story. How we begin a book knowing it will have an end. We look forward to the resolution of the story. We believe that even if the middle of the book seems hopelessly lost, the resolution will be satisfying. As he spoke he made me think of the times I wanted to die. To end my story myself.
"...The last chapter, we are confident, will demonstrate the meaning that was continuous through the novel. We believe that the story will satisfyingly end, not arbitrarily stop."
I just am stuck on this statement. I'm glad I didn't cause my story to "arbitrarily stop". It's a bit sobering to type that. Yet, I'm glad I can. It is good to see light at the end of the tunnel.
a "suite" of songs about being you
 Englishman in New York - Sting
She's too good for me - Sting
Nothing 'bout me - Sting

Annnnnnd now I don't know how to stop this train & get off.
Later,

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a more journal like entry

I had a nice walk Sat. meditative, slowing down time to just breathe. Which I so very much need from time to time. Clearing out clutter at home. Small steps, with big results. Reading poems [a nice surprise in the back of a book I'm reading] then writing my own. Some poets just "nudge" me to write. As if their writing stirs writings in me. "reminds my hands" to put words down that were there, I just didn't know it or forgot. I'm still trying to put to words what I might say over Lent. Finding that elusive line between sharing enough & too much. So my journey continues. As I am pulled in so many directions. I've got a lot of poems to look through. I swirl around tonight. I find myself turning from one thing to another. writing for this, poems, listening to songs [running the gambit. from the Beatles to King Crimson to Queen to Ryan Adams to Gungor to The Mars Volta]...like I'm turning an old dial on a radio. A friend gave inspiration to this poem... I don't know if it turned out the way I wanted. Sometimes my writing takes on a mind of it's own.

With The poet

I want my breath

To be in your rhythm

My heart

To beat in time

With yours

My voice

My words

To be harmonious

With all you’ve ever said

My eyes to see whatever you have

To show me

My ears to hear your voice

Even though

It comes from a thousand mouths

A millions different ways

In a million different places

Help my lens

To capture

The views you wish to bless me with

Saving memories of our time

Together

My pen

To write out & let go

Of the poison I have kept for so long

To write rescues to others

To light the way

To you

Animate

My fingers

That

What I type

Might be

What ever you can dream up

Whatever you like

An escape route

A path

To a brighter day

An anchor

In a hurricane

A harbor

A stirring

To courage

And

As only you can

May all that I do

Somehow

Help me

As wellby b.e. noll


perhaps I'm the victim of too many fastnachts today.
Well... I "shall take my leave of you now". I need to pull myself to a quieter place if I'm going to sleep at all tonight.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B